JustAYak

Good question. I asked her about it and she said that'd be fine too. Really...it'd be cheaper overall.

I don't really see how leaving me behind with another addict was the best she could be doing at the time. Maybe I'm wrong...but I just don't see the logic there.

The other thing about private therapy, I don't even know if I want to do that.. I'm thinking I'll need it sooner or later though.. I don't know, I guess I don't see myself being comfortable talking to someone one on one like that.

MyJoey

Jason,

That is no problem wait till you are ready to sit and talk to her, who knows maybe she will bring it up first.

As far as her asking if your lying, just tell her you have no reason to lie.......what's she going to do leave. Tell her about this site and how much you are on here helping yourself, my goodness I can't believe you are doing as well as you are.........I am very proud of you, I know this is hard please stick with it. We both know using will not make it go away or make it any better. I am pretty sure your mother is feeling pretty bad for leaving you, she may not know how to say it to you, but I am sure she feels bad. Give it some time to all sink in. We are all thinking about you. (((hugs)))

Chino

That was my kind way of saying she just couldn't handle it. In my situation, had I gone along with my mother's wishes, without a doubt I would've been a lab rat and put on all sorts of drugs with my brain permanently fried. The stuff they prescribed back then, they don't any more for a damned good reason.

Long winded again, but you've survived despite your mom abandoning you. Had you stayed with her - someone not able or willing to care for you - you might very well be dead right now.

I was offered free counseling by the court as a parting gift, but felt the same way you do. When I finally did go on my own dime, it was out of desperation because I literally wanted to die. I was no more comfortable talking then than earlier, but had to before I offed myself. My therapist told me the longer we wait, the more crap we accumulate.

You don't have to do anything right now, just please keep it mind, OK?

Serenity Bound

Jason, I agree with all of the others. I seriously do NOT want to see you living alone. If your mom is willing to help pay & your friends willing to have you live there, that just may be the best for you at this time.
And if you're not ready to talk to your Mom, give it time. Right now you have gone thru so much, alone, and at such a young age.
You may not see it, however we here at SR do, you are a very mature young man, with a wonderful future ahead of you.

At this particular time, you are very upset, confused and hurt. Please keep coming here to let us know what you're feeling and how you are doing. There are many, many people here at SR who really do care about you.

Sending you big Mom Hugs.
Chris

JustAYak

Okay wait...now I have no problem with your opinions but I'm just curious on why people don't want me to live alone but some have mentioned emancipation previously, and through the emancipation, I would end up living on my own. Don't get me wrong, if I have the option to live with anyone other than my mom, I will take it, I'm just curious to know why living on my own would be such an awful thing.

Aside from that...I talked to my sister today about...well, everything. I mean it was like from memories to present time, lots of questions for each other. It was kind of comforting to know how this has affected her too and that I am not the only one that really cared for my dad. Yes, I know my mom had cared for him, but I don't think she does now, especially after what my sister told me. My sister said that if my mom were to be having a bad day she'd sometimes talk about my dad like he was the worst person on the earth and blame him for money issues, her emotional state, etc etc. It's like she is over him, but she's really not. I don't understand it, I don't know if I want to bother even trying to understand it. I just feel like everything has been totally screwed up since my mom arrived..

MyJoey

Jason
I am not one of the ones that said you shouldn't live alone, but I do think it would be lonely. Then again I think you were alone a lot anyway.

Uhhh I think things were screwed up way before mother got there, it was just a different screwed up. I am glad you are reconnecting to your sister it is always nice to have someone to talk to. I am sure your mother is over your father, but that don't mean she didn't have feeling for him I'm sure she is feeling a full range of them from love to hate. Just keep yourself together and know that this will get better and you will adjust. I really feel bad that you have to deal with all this, I have been thinking about you all weekend. You are so bright Jason just don't give up on yourself, because we sure won't give up on you. (((hugs)))

cessy68

Jason,

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. If the computers wern't able to give real feeling enough- it's certaintly extremely hard to convey heart-felt words on this subject on-line.

Nonetheless, that is all I have to offer- and I hope that in even a minute way- you feel the love, prayers and hope I send off to you................

Hugs and Love,
Cessy

In a Tailspin

I can only tell you my thoughts, Jason. While there was a time (before the trauma of your dad's death) that emancipation may have been the best route for you. It would've gotten you out of the clearly unhealthy environment of his using and hopefully gotten you some space to start on a solid path in your own recovery.

However, my concern with you living by yourself now (fresh off of such a traumatic event and struggling through the early stages of recovery) is that it would compound everything you've gone through and leave you feeling unsupported. My xabf has told me several times of the HALT acronym (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) - as in these are the times when you are most likely to be triggered to use and least likely to have the strength to resist that urge. That *lonely* one would be awfully hard to avoid if you were suddenly living by yourself, coping with the loss of your dad. Pile on top of that: finishing HS, all the additional stresses of making sure the bills are paid on time, worrying that someone might *out* you on the whole "minor living alone" thing and it seems like a recipe for instability - - which you already have plenty of and need no more.

I don't know you.........but my heart has gone out to you through reading your posts here on SR, and while I think it absolutely sucks that this sh*t has happened to you, I think it would be even worse if you were to put yourself in a position where it was more likely that this sh*t could keep getting the best of you for days, weeks, months, or (God forbid) years to come.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers - - and oh so proud of you for all the headway you've made...........staying clean through these last few days has probably been harder than ever before. And opening communication with your sister has got to feel really good. You're on the right track........one foot in front of the other.

sophia1980

I'm very sorry for your loss Jason, I hope you continue to seek strength from the support at SR. My thoughts are with you
Hugs xx

winnie12

Jason, I had previously suggested emancipation to you. Your previous situation was very different. When we're grieving its very important to stay around people - being isolated can make grief much more difficult and can bring us to very dark places emotionally. You've been abandoned in so many ways and to isolate yourself now could make this feeling even more prevalent in your life. You need someone to help get you through this - it doesnt have to be someone that you talk with the problems about but just the mere presence of others in your life. If there is a friend that you could live with while you finish highschool then that sounds like a perfect solution. It doesnt sound like you're ready to address the issues with your mom and that's your perogative and understandable - just as your anger at her questioning you is understandable. In time hopefully the two of you can heal that relationship. Have you gone to anymore meetings? In the walls of AA and NA I think you may find a lot of people that can directly relate to some of the things you are experiencing right now.

hope213

oh,jason, i am so sorry. i am sending up prayers for you. your dad is at rest now but i know it hurts. please let us know how u are. we all care so very much about you. big hugs,

Serenity Bound

Jason, just as winnie said, it's that I don't want to see you alone right "now". I don't want to see you isolate, I feel you struggling with a lot of emotions, grief, abandonment, fear, and Love. I know that you can take care of yourself, as obviously you have been doing. Maybe it's the Mom in Me, or maybe it's because I know when I isolate, things can seem a lot worse.

Hugs

sistergldnhair

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jason. Keep posting here...we care..I'm saying prayers for you right now..
Again, I'm soo soo sorry

jennib

Jason,
I cannot stop thinking about you and praying for you. I hope all is going okay. Please keep in touch...

JustAYak

Well all of you don't need to worry about me staying alone in the apartment anymore because my mom has eliminated that option. They're leaving tomorrow, so we're talking to one of my friend's and his parents to see if I can stay with them, if I can't, then I'm moving to Michigan :\ The only reason I'd really see why they would "reject" me is because they don't know about my drug use and even my friend doesn't know about my drug use...so this is a little nerve-wracking for me. I don't want his parents to make false assumptions about me, or even Brent (the friend). If they assume anything it should be about me -- I'm afraid they might think Brent is doing drugs too because I hang out with him and that's not the case at all. But I'll tell them that I'm trying to get clean and have been going to NA meetings and hopefully they will believe me. Wish for the best, I guess..

I've been packing up stuff since I got home from school... it's really sad.. It's not really that I'll miss the apartment or anything, but I miss the person that was in it with me

Ann

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. However your living arrangements unfold, just know that you can work through this and come out a better person in the end.

Hugs

bluebelle

I want to add my condolences on the death of your father. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I'm praying for you. I think counseling would be a wonderful idea. I know you said that you are really shy, but it would help to talk to someone who could help you with all of the emotions that you are feeling. There are counselors who are used to helping people through the death of their family members. I hope things work out so that you can finish at your high school.

liesagain

Jason

been thinking of you

Its okay to be sad.....its okay to be angry, afraid and even happy when that time comes.
Just let yourself feel thats key...............

You love your dad, and no matter what happened with his addiction you can try to remember the good times and know that his disease was the root of the bad times........I'm sure he knew you loved him as he loved you.

I hope all the logistics of your living situation work out as you'd like and as your Hp has planned.

Big hugs for you

MyJoey

Jason,

If you end up going with your mother, it maybe a fresh start in a new town away from the drugs and friends that supply them. Not that drugs won't be at the other school, but people will not know you as a user unless you tell them, that could make it easier on you. I can't blame you for wanting to stay in your own school for the rest of this year, but whatever happens try to look at it as for the best. I am sorry your missing your father, only time will ease that pain. Try to think of the happier times, as a parent I a can tell you he would want you to go on and make something of your life. I hope your friends parents will let you stay with them that is a hard call, because if they know your an addict, they may worry about their son using them. I hope they give it a shot and let you stay. We are all cheering you on, tell his parents to get on here we will tell them what a great young man you are. Julie

serenityqueen

Jason, I just wish I could send you the money to come and live with me. I have a son who's 20, a normie, he saw what my addiction did to me and is very anti everything! Even cigarettes. But I would open my home to you if things were different here, I live in a 1 bedroom apt and my Mom should be able to come back home from the Nursing Home soon. I've already turned my living room into her room.

You really have touched my heart with how honest you are, your maturity that is way beyond your years and your genuine desire to get off the dope once and for all and start a new life free from the grip of this disease.

I'd lost quite a lot too from this disease, people, many years of my own life . . . it nearly cost me my own life. I've shared with you the feelings I had when I lost my Sister. Just remember, whatever feelings you have towards your Dad are legitimate, don't let anyone ever tell you that you shouldn't be feeling a certain emotion. When Linda died, I had the usual feelings of missing her, but I was also so angry from situations that were left unfinished or settled, I wanted her back for me, but I also knew that she was no longer suffering from the hell this disease puts us through. I encourage you to find someone, anyone who you feel safe enough with to open up and talk about these feelings. Let yourself grieve. Just remember, as I had to when working through all of my feelings towards my Sister, it wasn't her that did the things she did that hurt me, it was the disease. Just like your Dad never meant to hurt you at all, he had a disease that caused him to act like he did and say the things he did. It took time, but now I can remember the good times Linda and I shared. I also live my life for the both of us, I know more than anything she wanted to be clean and sober, so I let myself feel enough joy and gratitude for the both of us.

I hope things work out the way you want, if not, just have Faith. Faith is confidence in God when we do not understand. I will keep you in my Prayers. You are a very special young man who has touched so many lives on here.

God Bless you Hon,
Judy