She wants to hold me hostage (figuratively)
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Marle,
I am so sorry that she is squirrelling about the exbf.....but you know, there is no controlling someone elses feelings. It was when my RAH got past the pink cloud and the attitude of gratitude that I truly began to understand how incredibly wretched drug addiction is. Dealing with someone in recovery can be just as hard as active addiction - just in different ways.
Love going out to you....
I am so sorry that she is squirrelling about the exbf.....but you know, there is no controlling someone elses feelings. It was when my RAH got past the pink cloud and the attitude of gratitude that I truly began to understand how incredibly wretched drug addiction is. Dealing with someone in recovery can be just as hard as active addiction - just in different ways.
Love going out to you....
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Oh, Marle, I know, I do know what you are going through.
Love Ann's statement. I'm going to cut and paste it to my SR file.
Only you know what your boundaries are. I finally came to a point where I could not do what went so totally against what I felt in my gut. I was sick of compromising my beliefs to make someone else comfortable. I also realize I did that compromising because I was scared to death what might happen to my daughter.
Husband and I were in your situation and we just kept applying our program. We did set some boundaries, but never had to say "get out." We were blessed that our AD got so aggravated with us (we were working our program and she didn't like it...imgaine that) that she chose to leave, so we didn't have the hard task of saying get out. And she went back to a horrible situation, but finally saw the light.
I know your story isn't my story, but if she's back with the abusive, drug suppling BF, I just don't think it will be long before she makes a choice to leave. I know that isn't what you want, but we just never know, Marle. That might be the turning point. And as in my situation, it was God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself at that point.
You're an inspiration, Marle. Keep working the program and, as we say, "more will be revealed." Sometimes sitting and waiting is the best thing for me to do, even though I always have that tendency to want to do something. And I know you know all this. The mama in me is just wanting to make you feel better and encourage you .. the ole codie self coming out yet again.
Big mama hugs to you, and I'm praying for both you and your daughter. My HP loves these kids and he sees right where your daughter is today. And I know he's trying to get through to her. I'm praying something will make her hear.
Love,
Hangin' In
Love Ann's statement. I'm going to cut and paste it to my SR file.
Only you know what your boundaries are. I finally came to a point where I could not do what went so totally against what I felt in my gut. I was sick of compromising my beliefs to make someone else comfortable. I also realize I did that compromising because I was scared to death what might happen to my daughter.
Husband and I were in your situation and we just kept applying our program. We did set some boundaries, but never had to say "get out." We were blessed that our AD got so aggravated with us (we were working our program and she didn't like it...imgaine that) that she chose to leave, so we didn't have the hard task of saying get out. And she went back to a horrible situation, but finally saw the light.
I know your story isn't my story, but if she's back with the abusive, drug suppling BF, I just don't think it will be long before she makes a choice to leave. I know that isn't what you want, but we just never know, Marle. That might be the turning point. And as in my situation, it was God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself at that point.
You're an inspiration, Marle. Keep working the program and, as we say, "more will be revealed." Sometimes sitting and waiting is the best thing for me to do, even though I always have that tendency to want to do something. And I know you know all this. The mama in me is just wanting to make you feel better and encourage you .. the ole codie self coming out yet again.
Big mama hugs to you, and I'm praying for both you and your daughter. My HP loves these kids and he sees right where your daughter is today. And I know he's trying to get through to her. I'm praying something will make her hear.
Love,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
(((Marle)))
I just saw the last few posts
I am so sorry the roller coaster ride is continuing
this is such a difficult period she is going through
early recovery is so hard
she is over the "honeymoon" period but not solid enough to appreciate the sober life....
as with my son, it sounds like the mental health issues that initiated the "self medicating" in the first place still remain and need to be addressed
of course the ball is in her court and she needs to be willing
my son went through many similar times...
90 days seems to be a milestone (for good or bad)
the long term recovery facility was beneficial b/c even when he wasn't willing he was in an environment that supported him until he picked up his recovery again
it happened like that more than once!
his biggest challenge now is stabilizing his mental health issues
recovery is so much more than refraining from substance abuse
Megan is in my prayers
I pray something will trigger in her the desire to stay the course despite the struggle
if so, perhaps looking into a recovery house where she can develop lifeskills and recovery relationships would be an option
Marle...I am praying for you and your family
(((Blessings)))
I just saw the last few posts
I am so sorry the roller coaster ride is continuing
this is such a difficult period she is going through
early recovery is so hard
she is over the "honeymoon" period but not solid enough to appreciate the sober life....
as with my son, it sounds like the mental health issues that initiated the "self medicating" in the first place still remain and need to be addressed
of course the ball is in her court and she needs to be willing
my son went through many similar times...
90 days seems to be a milestone (for good or bad)
the long term recovery facility was beneficial b/c even when he wasn't willing he was in an environment that supported him until he picked up his recovery again
it happened like that more than once!
his biggest challenge now is stabilizing his mental health issues
recovery is so much more than refraining from substance abuse
Megan is in my prayers
I pray something will trigger in her the desire to stay the course despite the struggle
if so, perhaps looking into a recovery house where she can develop lifeskills and recovery relationships would be an option
Marle...I am praying for you and your family
(((Blessings)))
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
Ow Marle, i'm sorry to hear that... I didn't read all your answers but i am sure they gave you great advises & support.
I hope she sees better than seeing the guy that drags her down. That's just so frustrating...
Until then, keep your boundaries, as always
Hugs
I hope she sees better than seeing the guy that drags her down. That's just so frustrating...
Until then, keep your boundaries, as always
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Marle)))
I'm sorry. It sounds like she is in the part of recovery, when we realize it's not all fun and games, consequences suck, and life seems boring without all the drama and chaos that comes with using.
I'm hoping Megan gets through this phase and back on track, but whatever she does, keep your boundaries and take care of you.
Mega hugs and prayers to you, Mr. Marle, Megan and the pups!
Amy
I'm sorry. It sounds like she is in the part of recovery, when we realize it's not all fun and games, consequences suck, and life seems boring without all the drama and chaos that comes with using.
I'm hoping Megan gets through this phase and back on track, but whatever she does, keep your boundaries and take care of you.
Mega hugs and prayers to you, Mr. Marle, Megan and the pups!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
Marle,
Your really getting hit between a bf and drugs. I am so sorry she is choosing to go back with him. It sounds like she thinks you will let her have her cake and eat it too. I hope you tell her she can't have it her way.
I know that will be hard Marle but she either cares enough about you and her recovery with you in your home or she chooses to throw it away.
Feelings are tough enough to deal with on a plain basis but him doing drugs is just a killer for her.
Stick to your boundrys, no maybe's, no just one day, no nothing just as it has been. Look out for you on this one because you have done great and if she chooses to stay with you and away from him wonderful, if she doesn't you can't change her thoughts. Then you need to look out for you no matter how selfish that may seem to you..it isn't. Your special too! Stay strong! And were here:ghug
Your really getting hit between a bf and drugs. I am so sorry she is choosing to go back with him. It sounds like she thinks you will let her have her cake and eat it too. I hope you tell her she can't have it her way.
I know that will be hard Marle but she either cares enough about you and her recovery with you in your home or she chooses to throw it away.
Feelings are tough enough to deal with on a plain basis but him doing drugs is just a killer for her.
Stick to your boundrys, no maybe's, no just one day, no nothing just as it has been. Look out for you on this one because you have done great and if she chooses to stay with you and away from him wonderful, if she doesn't you can't change her thoughts. Then you need to look out for you no matter how selfish that may seem to you..it isn't. Your special too! Stay strong! And were here:ghug
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
Just my 2 cents here. Who knows what the exabf told her what he said about you and how your trying to control her. How you want her to change and blah blah blah. I'm sure he had alot to say that things werent that bad and he would change and get better and things could be better with them. I'm sure she still loves him and will fall for whatever he says. Maybe he convinced her you were trying to control her and he never did that to her. There are 2 sides to every story. I bet if you told her if she wants to continue to talk to him that she couldnt stay there that she would leave. Its so hard. I'm sure he hates her being clean cause he lost the control he had and now is trying to get that back. Its so sad that she is falling for his bs. I have been there and always went back. Maybe set up boundries that dont sound like your controling her. Let her think it was her idea. Ya know. It sucks such a hard thing to deal with you want the best for your daughter and have waiting for this day to come for so long. Shes gonna believe everything he says sad, but true cause thats what we do sometimes. It sucks. I hope she chooses recovery and not him.
He is toxic we can see it but she cant she still loves him and thinks he wouldnt want bad things to happen to her. Yet when she was strung out he had control now he lost that control and is trying to get it back by telling lies cause thats what hes good at manipulating her. Shes his puppet he calls the shots. Trust your gut and follow through with things you said you would do but dont back down cause you want to save her. Hopefully she has enough recovery and has seen how good things can be clean vs. being a puppet to some low life. I hope this makes sense its hard to put in words. I have been where she is and now how hard it is to walk away from someone who will promise you the world and make u hate the ones who really LOVE you. Keep your chin up things will work out. Sometimes tough love is what you have to dish out. (((HUGS)))
He is toxic we can see it but she cant she still loves him and thinks he wouldnt want bad things to happen to her. Yet when she was strung out he had control now he lost that control and is trying to get it back by telling lies cause thats what hes good at manipulating her. Shes his puppet he calls the shots. Trust your gut and follow through with things you said you would do but dont back down cause you want to save her. Hopefully she has enough recovery and has seen how good things can be clean vs. being a puppet to some low life. I hope this makes sense its hard to put in words. I have been where she is and now how hard it is to walk away from someone who will promise you the world and make u hate the ones who really LOVE you. Keep your chin up things will work out. Sometimes tough love is what you have to dish out. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Since I was dealing with two teenaged newly recovering sons - we had rules in order for them to live there. They had to be in an "aftercare" program - or weekly counseling (so someone other than their parents were giving them some instructions - and listening to their anger). And they had to be active in a recovery program - for us it was a meeting a day in AA/NA.
I had gotten used to calmness/serenity/recovery in my house - my husband and I in Alanon - and the boys in AA - and the other son in Alateen. And I was not willing to go back to always being afraid, the drama/trauma, do they need medication, whose fault is it, hanging with old using friends. It was a hard line to draw - but it worked for us. One son stayed sober - one left in anger after 3 years and was using for almost 20 years. But my husband and I found our own recovery through Alanon.
You'll find what works for you. I really love Ann's sentence - I learned to say things like that in a calm and loving way - over and over. Like a broken record. Amazing how when I stopped arguing and begging and crying and started to "act like a grown up" as my sponsor always used to say - at least I felt better about myself.
What a journey!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I had gotten used to calmness/serenity/recovery in my house - my husband and I in Alanon - and the boys in AA - and the other son in Alateen. And I was not willing to go back to always being afraid, the drama/trauma, do they need medication, whose fault is it, hanging with old using friends. It was a hard line to draw - but it worked for us. One son stayed sober - one left in anger after 3 years and was using for almost 20 years. But my husband and I found our own recovery through Alanon.
You'll find what works for you. I really love Ann's sentence - I learned to say things like that in a calm and loving way - over and over. Like a broken record. Amazing how when I stopped arguing and begging and crying and started to "act like a grown up" as my sponsor always used to say - at least I felt better about myself.
What a journey!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Professional Hanger On'er
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Way out of Town, MI
Posts: 103
I am praying. praying. praying, that this appears to be an option to her. I know you will think through this and do what feels right to you. Being held captive is not going to work for either of you for any length of time and she still does not realize that her captor is not you. PM me anytime. I will even give you an IOU for lunch one day if we can make it work!
Last edited by wenchris; 08-25-2008 at 07:11 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Sounds like she needs a dose of tough love to me. Kick her out and let her hit her bottom. That is the best gift you could ever give her. Otherwise, you will have blood on your hands when she dies.
I know this sounds harsh, but unfortunately it is reality.
Good luck!
I know this sounds harsh, but unfortunately it is reality.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Marle
You and Meagan are always in my prayers. I too had to set the boundries with my RAD 22 year old. She is now married to the 44 year old control freak. I had to let her make that decision. He does not "allow" her to talk to me . . .
I kept the boundries in my home, she chose to leave and "find love" elsewhere. I still pray she will one day return to us as she matures.
Mom hugs to you
Terri
You and Meagan are always in my prayers. I too had to set the boundries with my RAD 22 year old. She is now married to the 44 year old control freak. I had to let her make that decision. He does not "allow" her to talk to me . . .
I kept the boundries in my home, she chose to leave and "find love" elsewhere. I still pray she will one day return to us as she matures.
Mom hugs to you
Terri
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Marle,
Your no nonsense advice has always helped me. I was so enjoying hearing about your daughter's recovery, that i feel kind of let down as well. sigh....I don't have any more words of wisdom. Just one friend to another, hugs.
krhea
Your no nonsense advice has always helped me. I was so enjoying hearing about your daughter's recovery, that i feel kind of let down as well. sigh....I don't have any more words of wisdom. Just one friend to another, hugs.
krhea
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
