She wants to hold me hostage (figuratively)

Old 08-25-2008, 09:32 PM
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prayers for you and megan, Marle. I hope it is an off day and she jumps back to an attitude of gratitude. You've got strong recovery and I know you will establish the boundaries you need. Hugs
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Old 08-25-2008, 09:44 PM
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Here is the update. She did see the ex today. They went to a meeting together. He has been clean for a month. Megan is just really confused right now and being torn in two different directions. She says she is serious about not using, working her job, starting another IOP session this week, doing meetings, paying off her debts and living here. I told her it is her life and her decisions. She needs to do what feels right for her. So many emotions are crowding her head, emotions that she used to numb and now has to deal with. I see the struggle and I have compassion for it. She IS clean and she did apologize for yesterday. So for now I am not doing anything to cause a crisis. I want my peace and serenity. I really do think that she wants to stay clean. So I will take it one day at a time. Decisions made in the heat of the moment have never worked before. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-25-2008, 11:07 PM
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Good to hear that today was a better day. Let's cherish days like this, shall we?
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Old 08-26-2008, 12:25 AM
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I have a little different take on this. Maybe I missing something that might have showed up in a prior post of yours that I haven't read. But I was just thinking that not permitting her to see whomever is just controlling on your part period. Yes, I get that its your house, your rules, but when do you let go? I would keep it simple. If the rules were no using, then that's the rule. If she uses behind seeing the X, then she's out because she used. If the rules were she does XYZ chores and pays some sort of rent, for example, then that's the rule. Telling an adult who to see just smacks of codependency and controlling IMO - but that's just me. Now emotionally speaking, I'd be freaking out too - and sad, and disappointed and praying. But that's your stuff to deal with in your own recovery way and jumping right to controlling the other person to stop the uncomfortable emotions you feel... well it just doesn't feel right to me. Again, just my take on this.
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Old 08-26-2008, 02:53 AM
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Marle, you are such an inspiration to me. I know how very hard all this is for you (and for her too, new to recovery means emotions all over the place), and I admire your thinking process and your ability to take it all one day at a time, one incident at a time, and to know what is yours to own and what is not.

You may not feel it, but your light is shining brightly here, and I am blessed to be walking with you through all of this and through my own recovery as well.

My prayers continue for all of you. May the miracle of recovery be yours and your daughters today, because each day they are clean in indeed a miracle and I like to take my miracles one day at a time.

Mom-to-mom Hugs
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Old 08-26-2008, 03:43 AM
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I agree, Marle. Your light, love, and ESH are shining for all of us. I also support Sleepy's suggestion of the "control" issue. If it is for YOUR benefit, then yes. If it is to keep Megan from danger, that is between her and her HP. She may also be experiencing her own codie issues, the "addiction" to the boyfriend who will just bring her down, much like we do as codies ourselves. She has many lessons to learn in her sobriety, and she must be the one to recognize self-destructive behaviors that she lets into her life, just like we have. Thank God she has an incredibly loving, smart role model to witness in her mama. Big hugs and support, Marle.
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Old 08-26-2008, 06:20 AM
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You're recovery is there for all of us to see and I thank you for sharing it with me. Gives me courage.

I love what you said about doing nothing right now. I, as a codie, am always prone to just have to do something. And like I posted somewhere the other day, sometimes my doing something is to do nothing. Prior to recovery, I never knew that "doing nothing" was an action. And I've found that doing nothing, staying out of my AD's recovery, has really worked for the good.

I'm glad you are comfortable with where you are today in this situation. This is when "one day at a time" surely comes in handy. I'm so grateful for that way of living. We can take what is right in front of us today, and not get into tomorrow if we remember that.

Hugs and prayers for both of you. God sees your daughter and I know he's trying to get her to a better place. I hate that sometimes our kids have to go through so much to get there, but I know that God can use what seems to be bad for good.

Love ya,
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Old 08-26-2008, 08:56 AM
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I want to add my admiration and respect also, Marle, you give us so much as you share your walk....
always, my prayers and love for you and Megan,
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Old 08-26-2008, 09:23 AM
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When I was new to recovery, is when I realized what a codie I was. Mayber, like peaceteach said, Megan is seeing a codie side to herself? I had read about codependence, years ago, thought it applied to me. It wasn't until I got into recovery that I saw how much it influenced my using. Someone elses' actions/words (especially XABF) would get me so confused and stressed, that I'd want to use.

I'm not sure if that's what's going on with Megan, but it might be a part of it. The good news is, with recovery we learn to put our focus on us and less on them. It may take a while, but I think Megan's a smart girl (takes after her mama) and will figure it out.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 08-26-2008, 09:31 AM
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Megan realizes he is a trigger! She has a good head on her shoulders and I believe she will get through this even stronger than you thought!
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Old 08-26-2008, 11:48 AM
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You do have a light Marle, we are very lucky to have you here.
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Old 08-26-2008, 07:57 PM
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Sending prayers for you! You are a wonderful mother and I know you will find the strength to do what you have to do. I can't even imagine how hard it is to deal with addiction with a child. You have always been an inspiration to me and I am sure to many others that have come through here.

Remember to take care of you! Love you!
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Old 08-27-2008, 08:13 AM
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I am coming late to this one.

I have also been inspired by your posts... you have been a shinning example of a loving mother with a great tool box, filled with all of the necessary tools needed for recovery.

It has been my pleasure walking this road of recovery with you.
But, as we both know, this is a very long road that we are walking...
so my advice is to keep your comfortable shoes on...
this road we are walking is bumpy.... and only paved with our good intentions

You and Megan are in my prayers (Mr. Marle and the pooches too!)

Just know, that me and "my Meghan" are walking right besides you and "your Megan"

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