How can I start getting better?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2
How can I start getting better?
Last night my AH was in day 2 of subutex withdrawal. I only see him at weekends as he works away during the week. He was starting to feel ill and went to bed at 8pm ish. I had worked in the morning so spent a total of 5 hours with him.
He eventually took some subutex after a night of RLS and pain at 6.30am this morning.
I feel resentful that he chose the weekend to try to detox, even though he works in the week. Last night when he went to bed, I came into the lounge feeling lonely and frustrated. You'd think I would be comforted that he is trying to detox. I feel like a needy selfish teenager.
Im not trying to justify anything here. I actually am humbly asking for advice. How do I cope with this. I know this is about me. Where do I start? I can accept the 3 'c's. How though can I stop crying and feeling self pity. What is wrong with me that sometimes I actually prefer it when he is on sub or has used, compared with when he is trying to get clean. It makes me feel like a very bad person. When he is clean he has a beautiful sparkle in his eyes.
Best wishes to all. This is my first post. Please help me. Sometimes I feel so utterly sad.
Love Hxx
He eventually took some subutex after a night of RLS and pain at 6.30am this morning.
I feel resentful that he chose the weekend to try to detox, even though he works in the week. Last night when he went to bed, I came into the lounge feeling lonely and frustrated. You'd think I would be comforted that he is trying to detox. I feel like a needy selfish teenager.
Im not trying to justify anything here. I actually am humbly asking for advice. How do I cope with this. I know this is about me. Where do I start? I can accept the 3 'c's. How though can I stop crying and feeling self pity. What is wrong with me that sometimes I actually prefer it when he is on sub or has used, compared with when he is trying to get clean. It makes me feel like a very bad person. When he is clean he has a beautiful sparkle in his eyes.
Best wishes to all. This is my first post. Please help me. Sometimes I feel so utterly sad.
Love Hxx
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
((helj))
I don't have much advice to offer, hopefully others will respond shortly with more AH or AW experience. I just wanted to connect and to let you know we are all here to listen and support you in your desire to gain peace and serenity.
If you are able to, I would strongly encourage going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. They help me maintain my sanity and provide me with wonderful support.
Welcome!
I don't have much advice to offer, hopefully others will respond shortly with more AH or AW experience. I just wanted to connect and to let you know we are all here to listen and support you in your desire to gain peace and serenity.
If you are able to, I would strongly encourage going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. They help me maintain my sanity and provide me with wonderful support.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
I understand
I understand what you are going thru. My ex-husband, the father of my AS, is an alcoholic, when we were married I made all the mistakes a codie makes. Threats, promises, taking all the responsibility for the family, to dumping all on him to make him feel quilty. He tried treatment-didn't stick, he tried counciling-didn't help, he is still drinking 18 yrs later. To this day, after going thru what I have with our son, I think I am finally seeing the light with help from this site, alanon and my HP.
I, as a codie, have this caretaker complex and when my AH and AS are/were using it gave me a focus for my complex. I needed to feel needed and when they were/are clean there was nothing for me to fix. I didn't know what I was supposed to at that point because that is what our relationship was built around. When that was taken away, I felt I had nothing left to do. When my AS went into treatment this last spring, I decided that I wasn't going to be that person anymore and decided to concentrate on fixing ME. I have learned over the last few months to let go and let GOD. I am working on only doing the things that make me stronger and healthier and letting GOD take care of the rest. For the first time in 25 yrs the only person I am taking care of is myself and that feels awesome. Don't get me wrong, when my AS calls me about a decision he's made, there is a part of me that wants to take over and tell him what he should do, but to pat myself on the back, I am starting to use a different language structure to give him advice instead of telling him what to do or doing it for him.
Try alanon or naranon, church support groups, or meditation on yourself when you feel stressed out over your AH recovery. We are in need of healing as well as them when they decide to get clean, we have to change our thought processed to deal with the new person emerging from their treatment.
Sorry this got so long, hope it helps in some small way. Stay on here and alot of support will come your way. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good Luck.
Barb
I, as a codie, have this caretaker complex and when my AH and AS are/were using it gave me a focus for my complex. I needed to feel needed and when they were/are clean there was nothing for me to fix. I didn't know what I was supposed to at that point because that is what our relationship was built around. When that was taken away, I felt I had nothing left to do. When my AS went into treatment this last spring, I decided that I wasn't going to be that person anymore and decided to concentrate on fixing ME. I have learned over the last few months to let go and let GOD. I am working on only doing the things that make me stronger and healthier and letting GOD take care of the rest. For the first time in 25 yrs the only person I am taking care of is myself and that feels awesome. Don't get me wrong, when my AS calls me about a decision he's made, there is a part of me that wants to take over and tell him what he should do, but to pat myself on the back, I am starting to use a different language structure to give him advice instead of telling him what to do or doing it for him.
Try alanon or naranon, church support groups, or meditation on yourself when you feel stressed out over your AH recovery. We are in need of healing as well as them when they decide to get clean, we have to change our thought processed to deal with the new person emerging from their treatment.
Sorry this got so long, hope it helps in some small way. Stay on here and alot of support will come your way. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good Luck.
Barb
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2
Thank you
Thank you for your kind and gentle replies. I have carefully read them and will continue to do so and try to take them on board emotionally.
Interestingly I tried to watch my thoughts without judgement yesterday, so I was surprised to see that echoed in one of the messages.
I think my reactions are sometimes caused by a state of denial. When my AH is on subs I can 'forget' that this is part of our relationship. I think I have been mistaking this denial for acceptance. When my AH tries to withdraw, I think it forces me to face reality once more. Therefore the advice about accepting things as they are is important for me to focus on, duringboth the calm times and the troubled ones.
I have also decided I want some counselling and/or healing for my own self esteem issues.
Thank you so much for listening and responding. Best wishes x
Interestingly I tried to watch my thoughts without judgement yesterday, so I was surprised to see that echoed in one of the messages.
I think my reactions are sometimes caused by a state of denial. When my AH is on subs I can 'forget' that this is part of our relationship. I think I have been mistaking this denial for acceptance. When my AH tries to withdraw, I think it forces me to face reality once more. Therefore the advice about accepting things as they are is important for me to focus on, duringboth the calm times and the troubled ones.
I have also decided I want some counselling and/or healing for my own self esteem issues.
Thank you so much for listening and responding. Best wishes x
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