Had A Big Arguement With My Father

Old 08-01-2008, 04:51 PM
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Unhappy Had A Big Arguement With My Father

I am so upset. My ex called my dad about hiring a lawyer for my AS. My ex told my dad he was going to try & get him a public defender even though my AS wants them to hire a lawyer. He told me my parents had been considering hiring him a lawyer. My ex was surprised to think I didn't know. Of course they never told me. I flipped out & told my parents if they help him anymore I would never speak to them again. My dad went off on me & yelled that I forget all the help I got etc etc. I never in my life did the kinds of things my AS has done.
Now I feel terrible. To hear my dad & mom get that upset at 88 is horrible. I just cannot believe after all my AS has done to them they would even consider it. They had told me this time they were really done.
I am sick over this. I printed out the post " Let Me Fall " & mailed it to them......not that I think it will really do any good but I know I tried.
I guess my AS will never have a chance at getting better until they are gone. Lord I feel terrible for even saying or thinking that but I fear its true.
I am so sad...........his addiction is hurting our family so badly.
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Old 08-01-2008, 05:54 PM
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Rozied, I'm so sorry this is happeniong within your whole family. It's so sad that you can't get it across to your mom and dad how dangerously they are acting. But, considering their ages I bet they just don't understand the whole addiction thing. It took me a while~~~and I'm alot younger than they are......I'm just sending you big hugs and a room full of serenity!! Hang in there. Bonnie
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Old 08-01-2008, 07:27 PM
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Thanks Bonnie, knowing why my parents are acting like this doesn't make it any easier. I know my son probably won't get well as long as they are alive. It makes me so sad, then afraid my son may not make it to sobriety before something irreversible happens, then I feel guilty for even thinking that/
The way I feel right now I don't even want to see my parents.
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Old 08-01-2008, 08:01 PM
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Gee I am so sorry to hear your parents are in on this again. Maybe they just don't get the whole picture. And maybe you sending them "Let Me Fall" may open their eyes a bit. I am sure they just meant to let you know they helped you so they are helping him too. You know grandparents just want to be there and help even if they shouldn't. They just don't know how they are hurting him with all this love and help. Try not to be too angry at them Rozied, because they know not what they do. (((HUGS)))
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Old 08-01-2008, 08:01 PM
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I can't blame you rozied~~ I'm sure you have done everything you can to convince them they are hurting him. It's amazing what a generation apart can do. My moms in her 80's and I have repeatedly told her to not give Chris any money anymore. I have told him not to ask her either. So far ~ so good!! I really do feel badly that you are in the middle here and can't get through to your parents. Its so frustrating~~~~~~maybe you should just not talk to them for a bit and with some distance from your son maybe they will see the consequences...I don't know..I'm babbling.. Hugs hon, Bonnie
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Old 08-01-2008, 09:13 PM
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Awwww Rozied, I'm so sorry...I understand your sadness and frustration. It frustrates and saddens me too when older folks are sucked into the dance of addiciton...I see it sort of like when children are affected. Maybe I shouldn't feel as if they can not protect themselves, and I'm sure if I am blessed to reach that age I will kick anyone in the shins who thinks that way, but it just feels like the worse form of manipulation. But they are adults and unfortunately you are as powerless over them as you are over your son.

When I am at my wit's end, I do find comfort in turning everything over to my HP and trusting that his way will be much better than mine. I just wish sometime sthat it was on my timetable.

Many hugs
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Old 08-01-2008, 09:20 PM
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Geesh, am so sorry, Rozied. All you can hope for is that even with your parents' help, maybe he'll take this opportunity and turn things around. Definitely sending you good mojo.
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Old 08-02-2008, 05:28 AM
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My parents thankfully still are pretty healthy & have all their faculties but of course they are worn down more quickly,
I am finding it very hard to overlook all of this cuz they r killing my son.
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Old 08-02-2008, 09:35 AM
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I'm so sorry.

Just something to think about...even if they get him a lawyer, doesn't mean he will not face time. The prisons are FULL of people who had good lawyers. For most of us addicts, there comes a time when no amount of money or lawyers can get us out of what we've gotten into.

I hope you can turn this over, because it seems like they are going to do what they're going to do.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 08-02-2008, 01:10 PM
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Thanks Amy, I don't see how a lawyer can even help him. His sentence is till Dec 09. June 27th he went to Work Release & was due to be paroled Sept 10th. After 4 days on a job he was fired cuz of getting into an arguement with a co worker. A few days after that he was found guilty of Misconduct & sent bk to jail. His parole was revoked. Now I don't know exactely how these things wk but as I understand you have to stay in jail & in a few mts apply for parole again. He is telling us he has to stay in jail now till the end of his sentence & thats why he wants a lawyer........I don't even believe it. I think in a few mts he can apply for parole again. Under these circumstances what good can a lawyer do.
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Old 08-02-2008, 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by rozied View Post
My parents thankfully still are pretty healthy & have all their faculties but of course they are worn down more quickly,
I am finding it very hard to overlook all of this cuz they r killing my son.

I'm so sorry your going through all this...

I just wanted to say one thing that caught my eye.
Your son is killing himself not your parents.
We are responsible for our own actions, your son
has sucked them into his addiction, but even they are grown
adults and are choosing to be sucked into his addiction.
You can only do what you are doing and that is educating them
on addiction. After that their choices are their own.
Owning someone else's choices keeps us sick.

I know it is hard to understand your Dad's choices, and it
hurts... One thing I try and do with my parents esp.
when they make me mad is understand them first.
Understand and then be understood.
I used to get soo mad at my rents and their drinking and
a few other things they did,
it just affected me in such a bad way.
Now I just try and understand it first, and it seems to work

Okay off my soap box.
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Old 08-02-2008, 05:41 PM
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Sorry you are having to deal with this. Hopefully it will all work out in the end and this was just a few days of worry - I'm hoping that whatever "help" your parents think they can provide will not influence the jail time your son is meant to serve. The longer he is locked away (remember, 3 hots & a cot-not that bad) the better his chances of his realizing he may want to find a different path for his life.

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Old 08-02-2008, 10:23 PM
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((( rozied)))

Mom hugs being sent your way. I know how frustrating it is to have found recovery, set boundaries, etc etc but other family members have not.

Those are the days I have to chant Let Go Let GOD and the serenity prayer about 100x a day.
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Old 08-03-2008, 12:32 AM
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I'm sorry you're seeing your Dad go through this. It can be so hard. ))hugs!((
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Old 08-03-2008, 05:45 AM
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JMF I agree 1000% Maybe if he sits 17 more months he will make better choices next time.
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Old 08-03-2008, 07:14 AM
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Sending you hugs from another mom. Your ex had no right calling your parents and pulling them into this again. You are right a lawyer may not be able to help your son and if that is the case your parents money can't help. Don't do anything that you will regret later, cut your parents off at their age. Take time for you and turn this over to your HP.
For a lot of reasons I did not speak to my family for 15 years, and found out my mom was sick. I did try to talk to them and see them, but the rest of my family did not want me near them. When mom died in Feb, I was at peace because I tried. My mom died at the age of 69, you have had your parents longer so please don't cut them off agree to disagree on this matter.
Hugs and prayers coming to you
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Old 08-03-2008, 07:32 AM
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Rozied, Just sending some hugs your way. On Megan's last day at the recovery house the therapist (who is a recovering alcoholic) tried to tell the women that they are responsible if one of the women leaves and relapses. That it is up to them to stop her. My daughter stood up for herself and said that the only person she is responsible for is herself and her recovery. Remember all you are responsible for is your own side of the street. Marle
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Old 08-03-2008, 07:35 AM
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In spite of my parents being my best enablers and almost loving me to death, I did eventually hit a bottom. Two more days and I will celebrate 18 years clean/sober.

My oldest daughter, now 30, has been actively using for 15 years. My parents finally got the big picture on the enabling thing, and let go of her several years ago.

She still hasn't gotten help. She's on probation again, has lost custody of her kids, moves from place to place to place, hasn't worked in over ten years.

So you see, you just never know what God has planned for any of us.

I know it's difficult, but try to have faith that a plan is unfolding for your son. :ghug3
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Old 08-03-2008, 09:31 AM
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Pam, I read what you said about the unfortunate situation with your parents. I know it is all in God's hands but why oh why can't they see they are not helping him.
I have had a deep faith since 1976. I know even in this situation the only thing I can do is trust my Creator. I guess thats the key, to give it ALL to Him.
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