Do I stay or do I leave?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Oh hon, go easy on yourself. I know this is terribly difficult. My kids didn't know about the drugs either and when it finally all surfaced, it was extremely difficult. I took on a ton that I shouldn't have. Don't do that. You helping you is nothing to be ashamed of. You also know that helping you is helping them...even if they can't see it that way.
My kids thought somehow that I was being disloyal by being on here and by working to get myself well. They were and probably to an extent still are... sure that I am the one who is messed up... but I know the truth.
Their Dad is currently not using... so they believe "everything is fine", he's not using any more, what's the big deal. They know better than to believe that doing drugs is ok, but they love their Dad and want to protect him. You are very fortunate that your husband wants to take the time to talk with the kids, BUT I would advise you to be there. Just my honest opinion.
First, the kids need you. Second, as we all know, sometimes addicts don't quite get the truth... and second you need to understand what is being said to support it. It hurts to know that the perfect world your daughter perceived has been rocked, but keep in mind, it wasn't really all that perfect.
Breathe and I will be thinking of you. Send a PM if you like or keep talking to the bunch here! We're here for you.
My kids thought somehow that I was being disloyal by being on here and by working to get myself well. They were and probably to an extent still are... sure that I am the one who is messed up... but I know the truth.
Their Dad is currently not using... so they believe "everything is fine", he's not using any more, what's the big deal. They know better than to believe that doing drugs is ok, but they love their Dad and want to protect him. You are very fortunate that your husband wants to take the time to talk with the kids, BUT I would advise you to be there. Just my honest opinion.
First, the kids need you. Second, as we all know, sometimes addicts don't quite get the truth... and second you need to understand what is being said to support it. It hurts to know that the perfect world your daughter perceived has been rocked, but keep in mind, it wasn't really all that perfect.
Breathe and I will be thinking of you. Send a PM if you like or keep talking to the bunch here! We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
(((11D))),
First, I hope you reread Frog's post--it was just wonderful and filled with detachment wisdom and insight. Second, I can feel how upset you are about last night's incident with the kids. As mothers, we spend our lives trying to "protect" them from pain. Life is painful in a normal household, that's just part of growing and learning how to handle its challenges. In an addictive household with a codie mom in control, these "normal" dealings with pain and disappointment get skewed for kids because the mom has spent every waking moment trying to minimize or hide the addiction to protect the kids AND the addict. I think it is inevitable that the kids will find out, particularly as they get older. I also think its healthy for them to know, though, because it takes away the confusion they experience when they wonder what THEY did wrong to upset the addict parent or the mom. It gives them permission to detach and separate, to not feel responsible in any way for the problems of the addict.
It's also inevitable that codies who have managed to "control" a household can't do it. It's part of recognizing how codependent YOU have become, and it causes YOU this feeling of crisis. Your daughter's discovery is HERS, your husband's responsibility in handling discussions is HIS. I think you are making a great move by stepping away today and going to work. It won't be solved in a day and will still be there for you to talk about when you get off work. But it was bound to happen, and now it has. Accept and move forward. I think this is a healthy thing, and will ultimately lift the responsibility of HIS addiction off YOUR shoulders in regards to the kids. Remember the 3 C's today, and turn it over to your and their HP's. I believe YOUR H.P. had a hand in this discovery.
First, I hope you reread Frog's post--it was just wonderful and filled with detachment wisdom and insight. Second, I can feel how upset you are about last night's incident with the kids. As mothers, we spend our lives trying to "protect" them from pain. Life is painful in a normal household, that's just part of growing and learning how to handle its challenges. In an addictive household with a codie mom in control, these "normal" dealings with pain and disappointment get skewed for kids because the mom has spent every waking moment trying to minimize or hide the addiction to protect the kids AND the addict. I think it is inevitable that the kids will find out, particularly as they get older. I also think its healthy for them to know, though, because it takes away the confusion they experience when they wonder what THEY did wrong to upset the addict parent or the mom. It gives them permission to detach and separate, to not feel responsible in any way for the problems of the addict.
It's also inevitable that codies who have managed to "control" a household can't do it. It's part of recognizing how codependent YOU have become, and it causes YOU this feeling of crisis. Your daughter's discovery is HERS, your husband's responsibility in handling discussions is HIS. I think you are making a great move by stepping away today and going to work. It won't be solved in a day and will still be there for you to talk about when you get off work. But it was bound to happen, and now it has. Accept and move forward. I think this is a healthy thing, and will ultimately lift the responsibility of HIS addiction off YOUR shoulders in regards to the kids. Remember the 3 C's today, and turn it over to your and their HP's. I believe YOUR H.P. had a hand in this discovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
11d - You daughter might not of known that there were drugs involved but I guarantee she knew something wasn't right. She might not have known there was a problem but I guarantee she knew it didn't feel good in your home. Now she can start her healing. Now she can start seeing that this isn't what life feels like. If you are feeling the disconnectedness and all the yuck that addiction in a home brings - you can bet your bottom dollar that she did too, she just didn't have any knowledge to make sense of it before. If she was snooping through the garbage - that should tell you things were unsettled with her and she was searching for answers.
That beings said - you also commented that you don't want her to grow up like you - with that I'm assuming you mean the co-dependent part???? Well part of the world of co-dependents means you don't talk, don't feel, don't trust. What a better way to teach her NOT to be that way is to start talking. She needs facts, she needs info, then she needs time to make sense of it herself. Teach her about healthy boundaries - what better of a life skill could you send a daughter into the world with then healthy boundaries when she grows up. With her not knowing this whole time, she just learned what the family 'felt' like with no understanding of why as her 'reality' of marriage. That would have lead her to be more likely to step into a family life the 'feels' the same. Her knowing can help prevent that. Her knowing is a good thing!!!!
I take the approach with my kids that EVERY situation we face in life, good or bad changes us......it will either make us weaker or stronger people. It is up to us on which it does. Then I say, I choose to be stronger, how about you? They of course say stronger and then we move forward.
I agree that you need to be there. You need to hear what they are being told. My experience is that when my AH talks, it is filled with the info that he carries that protects himself from the truth about himself. There is excuses, justifications, rationalizations. You need to make sure your kids get the truth, nothing subjective from either angle (to ease or harden) just plain old objective info.
Keep us posted on how it goes.
That beings said - you also commented that you don't want her to grow up like you - with that I'm assuming you mean the co-dependent part???? Well part of the world of co-dependents means you don't talk, don't feel, don't trust. What a better way to teach her NOT to be that way is to start talking. She needs facts, she needs info, then she needs time to make sense of it herself. Teach her about healthy boundaries - what better of a life skill could you send a daughter into the world with then healthy boundaries when she grows up. With her not knowing this whole time, she just learned what the family 'felt' like with no understanding of why as her 'reality' of marriage. That would have lead her to be more likely to step into a family life the 'feels' the same. Her knowing can help prevent that. Her knowing is a good thing!!!!
I take the approach with my kids that EVERY situation we face in life, good or bad changes us......it will either make us weaker or stronger people. It is up to us on which it does. Then I say, I choose to be stronger, how about you? They of course say stronger and then we move forward.
I agree that you need to be there. You need to hear what they are being told. My experience is that when my AH talks, it is filled with the info that he carries that protects himself from the truth about himself. There is excuses, justifications, rationalizations. You need to make sure your kids get the truth, nothing subjective from either angle (to ease or harden) just plain old objective info.
Keep us posted on how it goes.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
11d - I can completely relate to your story and your feelings. When I read your last post I thought -OMG- what we work so hard to protect - our kids finding out. I soo do not want my kids ever knowing about AH. My first thought when I read your last post was I bet this sends her back into guilt or pity mode. As in you just want to go back and "pretend everything is ok" even when it's not. Guilt because now your DD knows about AH and pity for her because her Dad is an addict and guilt because she found out from you. Also guilt and pity for your AH because it is because she found it through your writings. I don't know if this makes sense at all.
I do the exact same thing and it's a vicious cycle - anger, guilt, pity, anger, guilt, pity repeat. It's hard to deal with all of this even though NONE of this is your fault. I have no words of wisdom for you and I'm sorry about your dd. What's done is done and the only thing you can do is be honest and answer any questions she has at her level. How are YOU feeling? What feelings are YOU experiencing? I for one would probably completely understand because I've been there and I am there.
Just last night AH and I got into a really bad argument - talking about divorce, dividing things etc. Today I woke up with immense guilt - pity for him being alone. So I've spent the day being "nicer to him." Only to repeat the same cycle over and over.
I may be way off base and none of this makes sense to you or anyone else - but your posts hit home for me on many levels. Hugs to you and your dd.
I do the exact same thing and it's a vicious cycle - anger, guilt, pity, anger, guilt, pity repeat. It's hard to deal with all of this even though NONE of this is your fault. I have no words of wisdom for you and I'm sorry about your dd. What's done is done and the only thing you can do is be honest and answer any questions she has at her level. How are YOU feeling? What feelings are YOU experiencing? I for one would probably completely understand because I've been there and I am there.
Just last night AH and I got into a really bad argument - talking about divorce, dividing things etc. Today I woke up with immense guilt - pity for him being alone. So I've spent the day being "nicer to him." Only to repeat the same cycle over and over.
I may be way off base and none of this makes sense to you or anyone else - but your posts hit home for me on many levels. Hugs to you and your dd.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Hi 11d.
First I have to say that I am a recovering alcoholic. I have a 76 days sober and a "normie" husband and two beautiful children. There have been times that have been hard for me as I struggle with relearning how to live sober. I go through much more than my family probably realizes because I was a closet drinker and while my husband knew I drank too much sometimes, no one really saw the extent of my addiction. But I KNOW that they can't relate, that is okay and that is what my therapist, AA sponsor and sober friends in my meetings are for. But truly last night I told my husband that the longer I am sober the more I love and appreciate him. I meant it. I feel that everyday. At 9 months I would think your husband would know what he feels to some degree? Now, I am a woman but I have so much joy today that it comes out. I feel very strongly too that no matter what happens in my day today, it is still a good day because I did not drink.
Second I am a child of an alcoholic. A lot of secrets, hidden bottles, drinking behind closed doors etc. Hmm, wonder where I learned that from? Anyway, though I did not find out until I was older about the alcohol, I always knew something was wrong and I felt so scared and alone because no one would tell me what it was. And here I am...
So my point is that your kids know that something is wrong. The know MUCH more than you think. And by the way, THAT is why your daughter picked up a crumpled piece of paper from the trash and read it. I used to snoop all the time! She is trying to find some answers for the craziness around her. It is time for the talk and IMO, you need to be there as their rock.
I think you are doing wonderfully and have been VERY strong. I am so happy that you are taking care of you. Take care
First I have to say that I am a recovering alcoholic. I have a 76 days sober and a "normie" husband and two beautiful children. There have been times that have been hard for me as I struggle with relearning how to live sober. I go through much more than my family probably realizes because I was a closet drinker and while my husband knew I drank too much sometimes, no one really saw the extent of my addiction. But I KNOW that they can't relate, that is okay and that is what my therapist, AA sponsor and sober friends in my meetings are for. But truly last night I told my husband that the longer I am sober the more I love and appreciate him. I meant it. I feel that everyday. At 9 months I would think your husband would know what he feels to some degree? Now, I am a woman but I have so much joy today that it comes out. I feel very strongly too that no matter what happens in my day today, it is still a good day because I did not drink.
Second I am a child of an alcoholic. A lot of secrets, hidden bottles, drinking behind closed doors etc. Hmm, wonder where I learned that from? Anyway, though I did not find out until I was older about the alcohol, I always knew something was wrong and I felt so scared and alone because no one would tell me what it was. And here I am...
So my point is that your kids know that something is wrong. The know MUCH more than you think. And by the way, THAT is why your daughter picked up a crumpled piece of paper from the trash and read it. I used to snoop all the time! She is trying to find some answers for the craziness around her. It is time for the talk and IMO, you need to be there as their rock.
I think you are doing wonderfully and have been VERY strong. I am so happy that you are taking care of you. Take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
Went to work yesterday. RAH had a talk with my daughter.He told her that we are having problems and drinking was a problem. He told her he has quit drinking and he goes to meetings to not drink, be a better parent and spouse. He told her that he realizes that he has not been "around" in th elast 5 years and it is reason why we are having problems. He said that it had nothing to do with them, but he does know that the kids have lost respect for us and he is going to do something about that. He acknowledge the strain of his relatioship with our 14 yo son. He said that because he has not been there for him in the past. BUT that has changed. He NEVER talked about the drugs. I don't know if that was the right thing or not. He acknowledge the drinking. He felt he stayed on her level. I cannot control what he tells her and really feel that I need to stay out of their relationship. You are right that this is his crisis to feel and to step up to the plate with her. I know I cannot protect her from the pain. I can't do it any more, no matter how much I love her. He said she didn't have too many questions.
She seemed fine when I got home. BUT I did notice that she was folding clothes and straigtening up when I walked in. She was trying to make things perfect for when I walked in. That is not for her to do. She is a child. I do not want her to think she must become codependent to fix things! That is the last thing I want. I didn't have the right time to talk to her, but plan to today. I will use the opportunity to address using life's struggles as either good or bad. We need to use them to strengthen ourselves.
And when I walked in, my RAH came up to me to kiss me hello! I was taken back and did not respond to him. I do not know why. I have been wanting affection, but I did not know how to accept it. After all this time,... After him not being able to say if he loves me or that he has resentments toward me. When I was looking for answers. It was only that one time,...
I do feel better today. I feel a little burden has been lifted. I know there is a reason for everything. I am trying not to think about what he was doing/thinking by not addressing the addiction disease and drugs with her. As for me, I know that I get the codepent part and the addiction part,....I guess I really need to learn HOW to focus on my joys. I really do not know what they are.....HOW PATHETIC! Working has been good. I do feel the guilt of my kids. I feel by working part of me has abandoned them! I do feel the cycle of guilt, anger, pity,...I know I do feel like the frog in the water that has slowly heated up! My legs and mind are not strong to hop. I do feel stronger than a few months ago and a few weeks ago.
Thank you all for your support, opinions, words of wisdom, ...just being there. I will pray for strength and wisdom to know what my HP has for me. And I am grateful for my kids and complete strangers online who have supported me.
She seemed fine when I got home. BUT I did notice that she was folding clothes and straigtening up when I walked in. She was trying to make things perfect for when I walked in. That is not for her to do. She is a child. I do not want her to think she must become codependent to fix things! That is the last thing I want. I didn't have the right time to talk to her, but plan to today. I will use the opportunity to address using life's struggles as either good or bad. We need to use them to strengthen ourselves.
And when I walked in, my RAH came up to me to kiss me hello! I was taken back and did not respond to him. I do not know why. I have been wanting affection, but I did not know how to accept it. After all this time,... After him not being able to say if he loves me or that he has resentments toward me. When I was looking for answers. It was only that one time,...
I do feel better today. I feel a little burden has been lifted. I know there is a reason for everything. I am trying not to think about what he was doing/thinking by not addressing the addiction disease and drugs with her. As for me, I know that I get the codepent part and the addiction part,....I guess I really need to learn HOW to focus on my joys. I really do not know what they are.....HOW PATHETIC! Working has been good. I do feel the guilt of my kids. I feel by working part of me has abandoned them! I do feel the cycle of guilt, anger, pity,...I know I do feel like the frog in the water that has slowly heated up! My legs and mind are not strong to hop. I do feel stronger than a few months ago and a few weeks ago.
Thank you all for your support, opinions, words of wisdom, ...just being there. I will pray for strength and wisdom to know what my HP has for me. And I am grateful for my kids and complete strangers online who have supported me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
Yesterday, my 14 yo son wanted to go to a camp out for his cousin's b-day (at my RAH's family camp 1 hour away). Dad would not answer him as ususal. SO I talked to him and he said yes. Son went to work and came home at 5 and hurried up to get his stuff together. Friends showed up at my house and they ran down the road for something and was gone maybe 10 min. RAH says he wasn't bringing him b/c he left! COme on, he left for 10 min.! He told him no and son was very upset. I tried to talk to RAH and he got mad because he said earlier he had came in from cutting grass around his deer stands and I got mad!! We are trying to move out of our house so that they can sand our floors. We have to be out today! and we didn't start! RAH has been off since Wed.. He got mad at me saying tha tevery time he is enjoying something< I always snarl and say make a comment with the undertones that he should be here doing what I think is important! Not that I actually say that! I told him he could not read my mind. and perhaps he is reading things into what I say because he feels guilty about something?! I finally told him that actually I (we) are happy when he isn't around because we don't walk on eggshells. He said he likes me better when I am working and away! SO I told then maybe he needs to leave.
He said that son wanted us to work around his schedule! If he really wanted to go he would not have left! I told him that 14 yo goes to work EVERYDAY. He was outside working on his 4 wheeler while RAH was inside watching TV. He could have helped him. That it is the other way around. We have to go around his. It was 5:30pm on a Friday and of course RAH wanted to eat and go to bed! Because we do not have a life...no fun.
I took my son with the 4 wheeler to the camp! I don't know if that was codie...but he deserved to go. We had a long talk. He asked about when dad left and I told him he went to rehab. I tried to explain about addiction. I did not say anything about the drugs. He said he was so close to his dad and now that he is back....He can't stand to be by him. Always wants to work and now there is no fun. I know RAH has to find his fun again also. BUT 9 months...I told him I understood and I acknowledge that things were not well between RAH and I. I told him it had NOTHING to do with them. He understood. I felt better that he now knows about the rehab and addiction disease. Maybe God planned for me to come clean with him after coming clean with daughter. maybe this was my little step in getting out. I am so scared. I am afraid of losing my home and moving my kids again. I grew up in this house and have worked so hard in restoring it.The back of my home goes for a couple of miles and has an orchard which belong to my dad. My kids love the freedom and hunting and 4 wheelers. I live so close to my parents. I don't want to move. BUT I don't know if I can pay him out. We paid cash for the house and took a line of credit on it to do the repairs. Which is more than the appraisel price. I am so scared. I guess I need to see a lawyer and see if I can make him let me keep the house without paying him.
Sorry so long. He is at a meeting. I just don't know anymore. That was so damn selfish on his part. Am I wrong to think this? If he left for 10 minutes, should he have been punished?
He said that son wanted us to work around his schedule! If he really wanted to go he would not have left! I told him that 14 yo goes to work EVERYDAY. He was outside working on his 4 wheeler while RAH was inside watching TV. He could have helped him. That it is the other way around. We have to go around his. It was 5:30pm on a Friday and of course RAH wanted to eat and go to bed! Because we do not have a life...no fun.
I took my son with the 4 wheeler to the camp! I don't know if that was codie...but he deserved to go. We had a long talk. He asked about when dad left and I told him he went to rehab. I tried to explain about addiction. I did not say anything about the drugs. He said he was so close to his dad and now that he is back....He can't stand to be by him. Always wants to work and now there is no fun. I know RAH has to find his fun again also. BUT 9 months...I told him I understood and I acknowledge that things were not well between RAH and I. I told him it had NOTHING to do with them. He understood. I felt better that he now knows about the rehab and addiction disease. Maybe God planned for me to come clean with him after coming clean with daughter. maybe this was my little step in getting out. I am so scared. I am afraid of losing my home and moving my kids again. I grew up in this house and have worked so hard in restoring it.The back of my home goes for a couple of miles and has an orchard which belong to my dad. My kids love the freedom and hunting and 4 wheelers. I live so close to my parents. I don't want to move. BUT I don't know if I can pay him out. We paid cash for the house and took a line of credit on it to do the repairs. Which is more than the appraisel price. I am so scared. I guess I need to see a lawyer and see if I can make him let me keep the house without paying him.
Sorry so long. He is at a meeting. I just don't know anymore. That was so damn selfish on his part. Am I wrong to think this? If he left for 10 minutes, should he have been punished?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((11d)))
The conversation with your son sounds like it went really well - healthy and appropriate! Even tho you didn't really want to go there with your kids, hoping it's a bit of a relief to have that door of communication open and the truth out.
Never ceases to amaze me how the A's refuse to do the "right" thing by leaving the family home and letting their kid's lives continue in an environment they love and can feel some continuity, security, etc. during such a difficult transition (if parents seperate)... but, they are A's - active or not in recovery mode - and the inability to put someone else's needs and feelings before their own is impossible. It is very hurtful, and not OK, but good for you for knowing this is a possibility and facing that reality.
My AH kept saying to me he couldn't leave our house because it was his "sactuary". Whatever... More about him feeling safe, protected, sheilded, etc., but certainly not about living, growing, accountability, responsibility, etc.
The conversation with your son sounds like it went really well - healthy and appropriate! Even tho you didn't really want to go there with your kids, hoping it's a bit of a relief to have that door of communication open and the truth out.
Never ceases to amaze me how the A's refuse to do the "right" thing by leaving the family home and letting their kid's lives continue in an environment they love and can feel some continuity, security, etc. during such a difficult transition (if parents seperate)... but, they are A's - active or not in recovery mode - and the inability to put someone else's needs and feelings before their own is impossible. It is very hurtful, and not OK, but good for you for knowing this is a possibility and facing that reality.
My AH kept saying to me he couldn't leave our house because it was his "sactuary". Whatever... More about him feeling safe, protected, sheilded, etc., but certainly not about living, growing, accountability, responsibility, etc.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
If they follow the example set by the adults in their lives, would seperating from him be better? What if he can reattach and be an awesome dad and spouse? Why is he so detached? I feel like he wants to hide something from me/us. Like there is a secret that he doesn't want out.
Yesterday, we were moving stuff and furniture out of the bedroom because they are redoing my floors on Monday. and he is working today (Sunday) he just sat in the living room while my mom, my daughter, and I move things out!! He was reading his big book. He finally got up when I asked him to move the big furniture. He knew we needed his help. Why just sit there? It is like he has no clue as to what we are doing. He is in his own little world. Is it detachment or is it selfishness?
Yesterday, we were moving stuff and furniture out of the bedroom because they are redoing my floors on Monday. and he is working today (Sunday) he just sat in the living room while my mom, my daughter, and I move things out!! He was reading his big book. He finally got up when I asked him to move the big furniture. He knew we needed his help. Why just sit there? It is like he has no clue as to what we are doing. He is in his own little world. Is it detachment or is it selfishness?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
cynical one- You have made a great point. And love, laughter, family fun does not rule most days. It just makes me so sad because we use to have all of that. It slowly went away with the drugs, I really thought rehab and recovery would bring it back. I know it can change people, but there has to be good in it for it to last. My older kids even talk about the old dad. They want him back. And so do I. They are so sad. There is alot of laughter gone. You have given me alot to think about and I will keep reading and praying.
Thank you for your words. All of everyone's words.
Thank you for your words. All of everyone's words.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: dallas
Posts: 19
i feel for you
i am in a similar situation but without kids... have lots of my plate and i understand how it feels.
i am debating the same question... should i stay or leave?
my heart has been saying LEAVE for some time now... and i keep staying and the crap keeps increasing
the rest are right... make a decision for u and the kids
i have lots of stuff on my name and have no job right now... i still want to pick up and GO to another city and feel i should do it.
i am going to talk to my AH very soon and share some thoughts with him and see what happens
best of luck and keep writing here....
you deserve to give yourself and your kids a better, more certain, more loving life
i am debating the same question... should i stay or leave?
my heart has been saying LEAVE for some time now... and i keep staying and the crap keeps increasing
the rest are right... make a decision for u and the kids
i have lots of stuff on my name and have no job right now... i still want to pick up and GO to another city and feel i should do it.
i am going to talk to my AH very soon and share some thoughts with him and see what happens
best of luck and keep writing here....
you deserve to give yourself and your kids a better, more certain, more loving life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
MNalihas....I hope you find your way. Having children involved is so hard. Find that inner peace and your joy. If that means leave, then so be it. You are strong and have lots of support here. Many have walked the same paths. I have decided to see a lawyer to see where my finances will fall. My RAH says he is going back to individual therapy. I am still waiting to see if he made that appointment. As for me, I am thinking of going to therapy also. 9 months since RAH's sobriety, but years of using when I did not know anything is eating away at me. Nothing changes till something changes. BUT I know I have to give it everything for my kids and a piece of me that is holding onto old memories. Sad but honest.
I will keep you in my prayers! Keep posting!
I will keep you in my prayers! Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
Someone told me at the very early stages of me making a change in my situation to "Pray he gets better, make decisions as though he never will". That was a huge help to my decisions making. I knew that there was a chance to get better but I couldn't make decisions based on hopes. If he did get better, we'd get back together. It has been three years since I made that decision and I am SOOOOO much healthier, my kids are doing awesome, and he is in the same boat, actually worse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 16
11d,
can I just say its probably a good thing she found out even though it wasnt the best way to find out? My oldest daughter now 19, 16 when her dad and i split told me afterward that she was glad i finally told her about his addiction bcuz she thought that there was "something wrong with me", that his distance and being aloof meant she wasnt loveable or important enough to pay attention to. It broke my heart that all my years of hiding it from her actually scarred her, I hadnt even thought of that, I was trying to save her from pain not create it. Just a thought i had to put out there and dont beat yourself up about it cant do anything to change it now.... I hope this helps and everything gets better for you!
~Ski
can I just say its probably a good thing she found out even though it wasnt the best way to find out? My oldest daughter now 19, 16 when her dad and i split told me afterward that she was glad i finally told her about his addiction bcuz she thought that there was "something wrong with me", that his distance and being aloof meant she wasnt loveable or important enough to pay attention to. It broke my heart that all my years of hiding it from her actually scarred her, I hadnt even thought of that, I was trying to save her from pain not create it. Just a thought i had to put out there and dont beat yourself up about it cant do anything to change it now.... I hope this helps and everything gets better for you!
~Ski
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
11d, I just have to ask...
is your husband working the steps? Does he have a sponsor?
If the answer is no, there is the problem, he is a dry drunk...absolutely NO FUN!
If the answer is yes, I would talk to his sponsor and ask what you can do...
Good luck! :ghug3
is your husband working the steps? Does he have a sponsor?
If the answer is no, there is the problem, he is a dry drunk...absolutely NO FUN!
If the answer is yes, I would talk to his sponsor and ask what you can do...
Good luck! :ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
Frog....It is so hard to make decisions like he won't get better. I have started doing what I want, some times he will tag along but usually not. With him being detached, sometimes I think he is trying to do something behind my back. There is no trust and he is just not communicating.
Ski...That is a good point. I pray she never feels unloved or unloveable. I guess this happened for a reason. I am still not to the point of openly talking about the drugs. I don't know why.
TTOSBT.....His rehab focused on the 12 steps and he goes to at least 2 aa/na meetings, 1 aftercare program, and 1 nurse support meeting each week. I know he talks about an older man that runs these meetings, but he has never said anything about a sponsor and I didn't ask. He did say he was returning to private counseling. Which I hope does some good. I do find that he has regressed since he came out. Regressed in the way he is with us, his moods, his hugs/laughter,.... He use to hug me when he came out....not any more. This is part of the detachment. He is no fun. He is all work right now and we have NO social life...together or with others. Including the kids. He is detached. And he is on an antidepressant which they switched earlier because it didn't help.
Ski...That is a good point. I pray she never feels unloved or unloveable. I guess this happened for a reason. I am still not to the point of openly talking about the drugs. I don't know why.
TTOSBT.....His rehab focused on the 12 steps and he goes to at least 2 aa/na meetings, 1 aftercare program, and 1 nurse support meeting each week. I know he talks about an older man that runs these meetings, but he has never said anything about a sponsor and I didn't ask. He did say he was returning to private counseling. Which I hope does some good. I do find that he has regressed since he came out. Regressed in the way he is with us, his moods, his hugs/laughter,.... He use to hug me when he came out....not any more. This is part of the detachment. He is no fun. He is all work right now and we have NO social life...together or with others. Including the kids. He is detached. And he is on an antidepressant which they switched earlier because it didn't help.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am glad Cynical One said most of what I was thinking.
Hell with his therapy, he is an adult, the kids would benefit from ala-teen and counseling.
There is a forum here adult children of alcoholics that foretells the future of kids in homes with addiction, abuse and dysfunction. It might help you also.
From what I have read,...he has plenty of emotions.....enough to rage at, ignore and abuse the son. Scare the daughter into being an adult too soon. Scare you, be cruel when you were trying to have honest discussions, and manipulate you very adeptly with his answers and non-answers.
I am sorry to be so harsh, it is because of the children.
I certainly know about staying with an abusive, rageaholic, cheating alcoholic...leaving, coming back. I did love him. I still do. But I had to leave and it took alot.....SR was my lifeline!
It got to where I counted my days of no contact like counting sobriety...and this accountability really helped me, I did not want to tell my lifelines that I did not have another day. And still, I read alot and asked myself why for 2 years after and that with having great domestic abuse counseling. And you are being emotionally abused! That would qualify you for some great free counseling, I had a great counselor!
Have you read the stickies? They are a great help!
She never told me what to do but she opened my eyes.
I really wish you all the best! And I dearly hope I have not offended you.
I just feel compelled when I see abuse, especially with those who have become slowly used to it. Like I did, until it almost killed me.
Hell with his therapy, he is an adult, the kids would benefit from ala-teen and counseling.
There is a forum here adult children of alcoholics that foretells the future of kids in homes with addiction, abuse and dysfunction. It might help you also.
From what I have read,...he has plenty of emotions.....enough to rage at, ignore and abuse the son. Scare the daughter into being an adult too soon. Scare you, be cruel when you were trying to have honest discussions, and manipulate you very adeptly with his answers and non-answers.
I am sorry to be so harsh, it is because of the children.
I certainly know about staying with an abusive, rageaholic, cheating alcoholic...leaving, coming back. I did love him. I still do. But I had to leave and it took alot.....SR was my lifeline!
It got to where I counted my days of no contact like counting sobriety...and this accountability really helped me, I did not want to tell my lifelines that I did not have another day. And still, I read alot and asked myself why for 2 years after and that with having great domestic abuse counseling. And you are being emotionally abused! That would qualify you for some great free counseling, I had a great counselor!
Have you read the stickies? They are a great help!
She never told me what to do but she opened my eyes.
I really wish you all the best! And I dearly hope I have not offended you.
I just feel compelled when I see abuse, especially with those who have become slowly used to it. Like I did, until it almost killed me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
YOu definitely did not offend me. I need to hear it! My reality is so off. I know I do not see it clearly. I guess from years of denial. I have place CYnical One's writing in my journal. I read it often. IT is abuse. I have to keep saying it. I do need to hear it. SOmetimes I even question myself and say that it is not! I know I need to go back into counseling.
You said you questioned yourself for 2 years after that.....After what? After finding out he was an Addict? Or after leaving?
Where do you get the free counseling? He never touched me. Who decides if I qualify? Money is tight, so I am so willing to try!
Keep posting for those of us still "STUCK". Thank you.
You said you questioned yourself for 2 years after that.....After what? After finding out he was an Addict? Or after leaving?
Where do you get the free counseling? He never touched me. Who decides if I qualify? Money is tight, so I am so willing to try!
Keep posting for those of us still "STUCK". Thank you.
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