Impurrfect

As a recovering crack addict, I only met one person who could use "just a little", maybe once or twice a week for any length of time. I actually did it like that for a while but realized I was thinking about when I could use again, even if I wasn't using. Hello-kitty's right...it's a mental addiction and it's really, really bad. When I realized I was obsessing about it again, I quit....again. Then I went on a week-long relapse/binge and I sought recovery.

Just stopping the crack isn't hard. You don't use. It's finding a way to deal with life without thinking "screw it...I'll just get high and forget about it for a little while" that's hard. It could be something minor...a bad day at work, someone getting on my nerves; or something more important...getting hit with a lawsuit from a credit card I didn't pay when I was using, finding out my criminal background check mistakenly shows a felony and I can't even get an apt. in my name..all of that was a reason to use.

But I haven't and refuse to use anything to "take the edge off" because that's a dangerous place for me. Look at you....you have been dealt a really hard blow...are YOU drinking or using anything to "take the edge off?" No...you're reaching out to others to figure out how to do the best for you and your kids.

That's what I've done...I reach out and learn from other recovering addicts and what they did in similar circumstances. Thanks to them, I much more responsible, dependable and I'm facing life head on...not high on anything but life. Because I've been on both sides (the addict and the one who left an addict still using) I choose not to let any addict bring me down again. I'm fortunate..we didn't have kids or a house...heck we didn't have anything! But I've seen women on here find out how to walk away from the addict they shared kids, a house, and a business with.

The main thing that's important is taking care of you and the kids. Oh, and as far as the friend who used "occasionally"? I don't know what happened to him...I do know that he had already lost a ton before the crack by getting into huge legal troubles from selling weed, and he was "hiding" his crack use from his wife....doesn't sound like a strong relationship to me!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

splendra

Well maybe it's because he knows you are there to pick up the slack. I tell ya trying to anticipate what they might do next is a total waste of time. I am not saying ignore because safety is a factor with kids around. Just don't cut him any slack by trying to cover up for him cause believe me he is counting on you covering up for him if you have been doing it all along.

I admit I have lied for my H many times. I have paid his bills and covered for him with his work, family, and friends. If you think about it I am sure you will see how you have covered for your H. If he insists on driving while high don't get in the car with him call a cab if you have to.

If he sees you taking care of yourself he may start to get something. If he knows you aren't going to try and stop him from using dope he may get worse but, I think they tend to blame us more if we try to make them stop. Don't let him do that to you. Let the responsibility fall squarely on him.

When we nag and complain about it that gives them more reason to keep using. It ain't right but, I know for sure that it fuels their addiction when we nag and complain about their use. He needs to experience who is in control of him and believe me it's not you and it never will be you. Every time you try to control his use; to him you are saying, "it's my fault I take responsibility". Addiction does not have logic in the way most of us understand logic.

Callie

How are you doing canard?

lightseeker

My RAH fell down the rabbit hole a number of times. He used crack for a total of 20 years...not daily but once a week, then a couple of times a week, and then multiple times a week. It got so that all he was doing was getting ready to use, using, or recovering from using. All work eventually stopped and he lost everything. It is a progressive disease....some go faster than others. A lot depends on whether they keep finding soft places to land.

The very beginning of any recovery is the recognition that you have a problem. I've found that I've never convinced anyone that they have a problem...they have to discover that news for themselves. I work in a trauma ICU and you would not believe the addicts that I see that blame everything in the world except the fact that they used. They don't believe that the using is actually the problem - it's that they didn't quite control the circumstance that they used in just right. The only thing that brings awareness is if there are consequences that they actually care about. When people get far enough down the rabbit hole they just don't care about very much and there are few consequences that matter.

Once I made a decision to quit lying for my RAH, take care of myself, define my bottom lines of what I would/would not accept, have consequences that I was ready to adhere to is when things finally began to get better. The more that I take care of myself the more RAH has to take care of himself. The path began back when he was ABF and I quit enabling him...I began to put my efforts into me instead of my worries about him.

It's hard though - it took a lot of posting here, a lot of reading here, face to face meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, and turning it over to my HP.

Good luck to you....You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs

canard1

Thanks for asking, Callie. One of those weekends again. Oldest had b-day party today and husband came with us. I knew he was in the back of the house using *something* and while kids were eating lunch and he was in shower I came back to check. My dresser had white I don't know what you call them.... powder? on it plus some nice new what look to be scratches from razor blade. So I guess it was coke. Unless he is snorting crack. Plus he has 1/2 a beer.

My next biggest worry became knowing he was going to want to drive us up there. So, I make sure I've got the keys the whole process of getting out the door and after we get the kids to the car and he heads for the drivers side I just tell him "I'm driving." And he got in the passenger side but didn't really get why I wanted to drive. He must think I'm a complete idiot. Like I don't have any idea he is using? Drives me nuts.

And the mood swings- the smallest thing and he is all over me why this, why that then a few minutes later like he wasn't yelling about anything. I feel like telling him maybe he should just go do a line or smoke some crack - but I don't want to fight in front of the kids and I'm not up for the confrontation.

oh, my youngest needs some mommy company. I've been meaning to post the last day or so... this board has been my strength.

matrix

Good for you for insisting on driving. He may well be thinking that he's covering well and you don't know that he's using. He may also just be using pretty continuously and not be thinking about what you're thinking at all. Keep on taking care of yourself and the kids.
BTW, with regard to fighting in front of the kids and avoiding confrontation: While pointless, endless battling in front of them is probably a bad idea, so is simply sucking it up and taking it all the time.
My mom did that a lot with my dad, who was a rage-aholic. I learned to focus on keeping others calm and second guessing what would upset them, rather than learning to trust my feelings and stand up for myself appropriately. I'm not suggesting that you start battling your AH on everything, only that you keep in mind that your kids learn from you in a lot of different ways. I'm not putting this well, but trying to say that they will be ok if you love them and teach them how to experience a full range of feelings. Seeing their parents fight isn't the worst thing that can happen to them. Seeing you stand up for yourself now and then may be a good thing for them.
Anyway, I've been thinking of you and hoping you're hanging in there.

canard1

Good advice, Matrix.

I guess I've been trying to figure out when to bring this out in the open- that I know about the coke, crack and obviously the pot. He is back to using in the house and I
found where he's keeping the coke. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about what if one of the kids stumbled across the grains of coke on the dresser and thought it was sugar?

My head is spinning right now just thinking about that and the rage I have towards him is greater and greater. The boundaries I set about the drugs in the house, using around me and the kids... obviously mean nothing.

I feel physically sick right now and like crying to be put in this situation by him with the kids. But I don't want the kids to see me like that so time to pull it together.

splendra

Setting boundaries with an addict can be very difficult. First off we need to keep it very simple and do what takes care of us. See telling him he cannot use in the house does not compute cause, obviously he can still use in the house.

Confronting means nothing to an active addict cause they have a big FU wall up around them.

The boundary still needs to be about protecting you and the kids not confronting him or telling him off. What can you do((((canard1))))? What action can you take that will speak for you with out using words or confrontation on him? I know you want to protect your children. Be clear about it in your own mind the kids know something is going on.

Is there somewhere you can go when he uses? A trusted friend's house? A relative's?

I did this every time my H used at home and stayed gone for a while. I know it would not be easy for you to do to do but, it is possible he would get a message from the action. I started living very separate from him even in the same house. The bottom started falling out; he started getting the message, consequences started happening for him.

It has been a very bumpy road for me but I tell you it has been worth it to do what is best for me. I finally began to see that talking to him while high about him getting high was completely pointless. Only my actions spoke to him. Only his consequences made him start to change.

He had a slip last weekend after 4months clean he stayed away for several hours cause he knows he can't use around me any more. He felt like crap coming down, I had no sympathy he is the one who had to work the next day feeling like dirt in 98 degree temperature working outside or in someones attic(electrician work) boy I tell ya he suffered and every time he complained about how bad he felt I said, "Oh really I wonder why, you were fine the day before"...

He still has a long way to go I do not kid myself. But the responsibility for his drug use is on him now where it belongs.

sdw1469

"I'm wondering those that stayed with a user partner- what was the turning point you didn't leave? I think at least he is here physically and I can monitor him with the kids. If we were in a situation where he might have them alone for a weekend and he's using- I couldn't live with that."

I could have written this. I have a 4 year old with my ex. I've taken him back over and over thinking that as long as he was near me it would limit his use and the risk to our child and she would still have him in her life. But his use increased anyway. Every time he would leave the house it was total anxiety about when and if he would come home. Sometimes I was out at 4 in the morning, child in tow, searching for him. When did this become and acceptable way to live. Unfortunately we start to normalize abnormal behavior.

It is not worth it. The stress of it wears you down. It's chaos and fighting constantly. Not a good environment for a child and no a good environment for me. I feel like an addict since I knew the pain he would cause but I took him back over and over for the few moments of "feeling good" and feeling like a family.

This last time I kicked him out was a combination of me finding coke in my home and him going out for a beer on saturday and I didn't here from him until tuesday. I think this time I'm out for good bc I've reached out for support. I found this site last week doing some research on how to cope. It's helped a lot. I've also started to come clean with my closest friends about him. I was to ashamed of myself to share any of this. Ashamed because i accepted what is really not acceptable. I worked for social services in the first part of our relationship and know I work in the court system with victims so I had the education and experience that should have made me leave instantly. Guess I was in denial. And everytime he promised it was the last time I believed it. Sucker.

So It's hard and it takes time. We were together 8 years off and on. I started to realize alcohol was a problem in the first 2 or 3 years and found out about the coke when I was pregnant.

I feel your pain and wish you the best. It was hard getting him out and I do miss him sometimes even though he is a selfish jackass. But the truth is I want a better life and I know I will never have it with him. I regret the time I've wasted getting here. But you have to come to it on your on terms.

ZombieWife

I don't know really want to say at this point, Canard, other than I'm sorry you are going through this. My heart tells me to say, "please leave" for the sake of your children. It made me sick to imagine them finding that powder.

I will keep sending good thoughts your way, but your situation can get a lot worse and the bottom can be very very far for him. The question is, are going to follow him there?

canard1

splendra, you are right that there is nothing I can say or confront him with that would make the slightest difference. I've been down that path with him already and see where it's gotten us- nowhere.

His denial and rationalization is so great, nothing will break through that wall and any comment is the big "fu" as you note for me. And talking with him while he is high? What a waste of time. He was drunk when I told him about the razor blade on the floor "oh, sorry, sorry about that. I was trying to get something off my pants this morning" which he actually was but that isn't the reason for the razor blades being in a basket in his closet.

Actions may be all that will speak at this point. He has a business trip this week (I hope) and will have to leave overnight. If he leaves I will be going up to my mom's. Or I will just go anyway.

If he doesn't bring the drugs with him on the plane (although he might be dumb enough to do this in his invincible mode) then he will need to use when he gets home and I don't want to go through another "is he, when is he, what's he" using weekend.

I think living separate lives has already begun- obviously there is no intimacy at this point but oddly enough he hasn't brought that up. This of course has been my problem in the past... not his. Me not being the normal one. Me being the one that should figure out "my problem".

He calls throughout the day and asks how the kids are, how am I doing... letting me know when he thinks he'll be home. I can tell from talking with him that he's been either drinking or using most times.

So many things make me sad... especially the kids. If it weren't for them, I would have left. But now they should be precisely the reason I do leave. I never wanted a broken home for my kids. But I don't want them to grow up in this environment which will only take it's toll on them and their mom.

And Zombiewife, when you say the bottom can be far away....that is truly frightening. In the back of my mind I guess I thought the other shoe would drop and then he would see the hole he's dug himself into. But this could go on for years? No, we can't live like this for years.

sdw, kudos to you for having the strength to get out of your situation.

ZombieWife

Years? For those who never leave--sometimes decades. Yes. By the time my mother finally left my father (alcoholic) one of my brothers was also an alcoholic at age 17 and I had lost utter and total respect for both parents. Now, at age 37, I'm finally rebuilding my relationships, but I'll never be able to erase the memories. My mom just took it, just turned a blind eye. A very small part of me still loathes her for that. It's a horrible thing to say, but it's honest. I don't believe she put us first, ever. She always put herself first.

I don't know how much I've already spent on therapy, but I know it's starting to pay off. I don't think I'll ever fully trust either one, though. One was a drunk and the other was too weak. The day I realized that, I think a part of me died inside. My parents were supposed to take care of ME, not the other way around.

I know this is not your situation exactly, but I hope he finds some kind of bottom here, for your sake, and I hope your family isn't down there with him. It's a hellish place.

(hugs)