How to handle situation
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I realize that you can't obsess, but for *me* it DID help to have some info on what I was dealing with. I did a fair amount of research here on "his side". It helped *me* immensely to know what he was using, what he was thinking ect. For *me* I had been fooled for so many years. Lied to for so many years. People on the SA forum set me straight on all of the lies he was telling me. For me, without that I would still be believing or partly believing AH's lies without them. I would believe my AH of 13 years over someone on the "internet" if they would not have set me straight. Yes, I may have found a few pills here and there, but to tie that with daily usage? Never in my mind. So I can understand how you can want to know and understand what your AH is doing.
But there is also a fine line between knowing and obsessing. For me, I know, I have the knowledge. That brings me the power to be able to detect it later in the future. (possibly ) That knowledge is helping me to detach because I now realize the severity of his use. Before, I didn't know the severity of his use so I could not detach. So maybe I'm going against the grain of the 3 c's, but there is no way that I could detach without a little bit of understanding on what he was taking, what he was feeling.
BTW - not trying to be smart at all with this post, just wanted you to know that I understand wanting that knowledge too.
I absolutely think knowledge is important. I obsessed a little. I did my research, but I also wised up to all the signs and so much came together, like a little light going off in my head. I feel I can be more vigilant now for my own safety and my child's. I also brushed up family law, social services type stuff. Everything from, "no, officer, you can't come in without a warrant" to how many grams for x, y and z charges.
I'm not an advocate for helping someone break the law, but I won't ever let an officer into my house (who wants to search for anything,) without a warrant. It's a mistake many make.
Officer: Can I come in?
Person: No.
Officer: I'll just go get a warrant and come in anyway.
Person: ok (closes the door)
There ya go. You have rights as a human being. And if they do come back, you have time to arrange for care for your kids in case things go really bad, instead of watching them torn from you and taken to social services. That hasn't happened to me, but I am not kidding when I talk about keeping my family safe.
I'm not an advocate for helping someone break the law, but I won't ever let an officer into my house (who wants to search for anything,) without a warrant. It's a mistake many make.
Officer: Can I come in?
Person: No.
Officer: I'll just go get a warrant and come in anyway.
Person: ok (closes the door)
There ya go. You have rights as a human being. And if they do come back, you have time to arrange for care for your kids in case things go really bad, instead of watching them torn from you and taken to social services. That hasn't happened to me, but I am not kidding when I talk about keeping my family safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 19
Well, my first nar-anon support group meeting is tomorrow night.
My husband doesn't know that's where I'm going. When some of you first started down this path, did you immediately share that you were going to these meetings? I can just imagine the blow-up at this stage. My kids will be in bed when the meeting starts and I've got a valid someplace else to be. At least that way I can go consistently.
Callie, I appreciate the post as for me it's important to know what he is using exactly. The pot was bad enough but crack? Now I know I'm really dealing with a problem and so is he whether he ever accepts that or not. He had a friend over this evening he is anti-drug I actually overheard him saying that "crack takes the edge off" and I know that's what I heard. When I asked what they were talking about it was about cell phones or something like that. He knows I would flip if I knew about the crack, but deep down he probably doesn't really care.
And yes, I do need and want to get the drugs and the user out or help. Now I'm in the process of figuring out how to do just that.
Hope you all had a nice weekend. 8
My husband doesn't know that's where I'm going. When some of you first started down this path, did you immediately share that you were going to these meetings? I can just imagine the blow-up at this stage. My kids will be in bed when the meeting starts and I've got a valid someplace else to be. At least that way I can go consistently.
Callie, I appreciate the post as for me it's important to know what he is using exactly. The pot was bad enough but crack? Now I know I'm really dealing with a problem and so is he whether he ever accepts that or not. He had a friend over this evening he is anti-drug I actually overheard him saying that "crack takes the edge off" and I know that's what I heard. When I asked what they were talking about it was about cell phones or something like that. He knows I would flip if I knew about the crack, but deep down he probably doesn't really care.
And yes, I do need and want to get the drugs and the user out or help. Now I'm in the process of figuring out how to do just that.
Hope you all had a nice weekend. 8
If you think telling him where you are going will cause a blow up then maybe it is best not to volunteer the info. If he ask specifically; where are you going? You then have to decide if you want to tell him the truth.
If you think telling him you are going to a meeting will make him realize something well...don't count on it.
As far as I can tell most of the time addicts don't think about how others are affected by what they are doing. Most of them get to a point that if they feel threatened their behavior will get more erratic and destructive. The part of them that cares about others goes to sleep while the monster runs free.
I know this doesn't make much sense but, taking the focus off of him and keeping it on yourself is the very best strategy. This is something they might notice. This can wake up the person that loves their family. There are no guarantees.
One of the best boundaries you can set is: to refuse to stir the pot of their addiction.
If you think telling him you are going to a meeting will make him realize something well...don't count on it.
As far as I can tell most of the time addicts don't think about how others are affected by what they are doing. Most of them get to a point that if they feel threatened their behavior will get more erratic and destructive. The part of them that cares about others goes to sleep while the monster runs free.
I know this doesn't make much sense but, taking the focus off of him and keeping it on yourself is the very best strategy. This is something they might notice. This can wake up the person that loves their family. There are no guarantees.
One of the best boundaries you can set is: to refuse to stir the pot of their addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Canard -
I just really didn't know that I had choices. I was swept up in the whole addiction thing. Because I grew up with it, and that's all I knew - and the "abnormal" was "normal" to me.
Please keep reading - look at the stickys - these folks have lots of great experience and hope.
There is a way out - and life can be really good!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I just really didn't know that I had choices. I was swept up in the whole addiction thing. Because I grew up with it, and that's all I knew - and the "abnormal" was "normal" to me.
Please keep reading - look at the stickys - these folks have lots of great experience and hope.
There is a way out - and life can be really good!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 19
Okay, I feel kind of dumb here but I can't find the sticky's that have been referred to. I thought I did see them once. I'll try the moderator as well.
I know that telling him I'm going to a meeting won't make him realize anything because he doesn't think he has a problem. It will, however, make him angry that I would not "trust his judgement" and "trust he knows what he is doing" that is the rhetoric I usually get whenever my concern about the drugs comes up.
The support from this board and the information has really helped. I'm realizing that I just need to live my life with the kids separate from him until maybe he gets the message. Or maybe he never will- who knows? If life with drugs is so important to him, then he can go live it on his own because I understand now this is only going to get worse.
I am really looking forward to the meeting tomorrow.
I know that telling him I'm going to a meeting won't make him realize anything because he doesn't think he has a problem. It will, however, make him angry that I would not "trust his judgement" and "trust he knows what he is doing" that is the rhetoric I usually get whenever my concern about the drugs comes up.
The support from this board and the information has really helped. I'm realizing that I just need to live my life with the kids separate from him until maybe he gets the message. Or maybe he never will- who knows? If life with drugs is so important to him, then he can go live it on his own because I understand now this is only going to get worse.
I am really looking forward to the meeting tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 23
thoughts
I can understand you wanting to know what he is using. I was raised by an alcoholic and my definition of 'normal' substance abuse is pretty skewed. I was willing to buy into my ASO's insistence that his 24/7 pot smoking was not really a problem. He never seemed impaired and it never seemed to interfere with our lives. Now, he has escalated to cocaine. Suddenly, I can't buy the BS anymore and I can't get around worrying about what this means for my son. Ironically, his moving on to coke has made me far less wiling to accept his claim that pot is no big deal. Now, it all seems like a big deal. I am amazed that I let him drive my son around, that I settled for this distracted, sedated person as my SO, that I spent so much time trying to figure out how to keep him happy and so little time thinking about myself.
As for telling him about the meetings, I would also say that, if it makes it easier for you to take care of yourself, then don't tell him anything that you don't feel comfortable telling him. If you know that he will attack you and make you second guess yourself, then maybe it's better to keep it to yourself for now, until you feel strong enough think about whether you want to handle it another way.
I'm new here and still finding my way but I wanted to let you know that I can relate to what you're going through. Try to make yourself and your kids the priority. He'll continue to take care of himself first, just as he has been....
:ghug3
As for telling him about the meetings, I would also say that, if it makes it easier for you to take care of yourself, then don't tell him anything that you don't feel comfortable telling him. If you know that he will attack you and make you second guess yourself, then maybe it's better to keep it to yourself for now, until you feel strong enough think about whether you want to handle it another way.
I'm new here and still finding my way but I wanted to let you know that I can relate to what you're going through. Try to make yourself and your kids the priority. He'll continue to take care of himself first, just as he has been....
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 19
Matrix, thanks for your note and the hug.
And it's this escalation to crack that's really brought things to light for me.
The pot I let him convince me (and I convinced myself to a certain extent) he had it all under control. When I look back it was really just to keep him happy. Even the arguments about how I didn't want him driving me or the kids around when he was high. A major, major argument as it always comes back to how I don't trust him. My God- these are our KIDS!!
I feel so manipulated by him and angry I've let it go on so long. But then the crack... it's spurned me to action. Especially with my boys... and the older one just idolizes his dad. They are both young (3 and 5) and I don't want them growing up around a drug user, the worry and likely tragedy that would come with this life with my husband.
And it's this escalation to crack that's really brought things to light for me.
The pot I let him convince me (and I convinced myself to a certain extent) he had it all under control. When I look back it was really just to keep him happy. Even the arguments about how I didn't want him driving me or the kids around when he was high. A major, major argument as it always comes back to how I don't trust him. My God- these are our KIDS!!
I feel so manipulated by him and angry I've let it go on so long. But then the crack... it's spurned me to action. Especially with my boys... and the older one just idolizes his dad. They are both young (3 and 5) and I don't want them growing up around a drug user, the worry and likely tragedy that would come with this life with my husband.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
carard, I don't know how your husband could carry a rock of cocaine around with him - it would get crushed and turned into powder. If it is as hard as a ROCK and he breaks pieces off and they don't crumble then it is cocaine in the smokeable form - crack.
Crack cocaine is bad bad news. Of course all drugs are bad. But crack is one of the baddest of the bad. It's so strong. It goes straight to your brain 100 times faster than regular coke and gets you much higher and wears off much quicker and the cravings are stronger too. It is just a stronger more dangerous drug. All drugs are not equal.
I'm glad that you are choosing NOT to let your boys grow up with a drug addict father in the house. I think it is the wrong choice in any situation. I think that children will see that as your acceptance that using drugs is ok and may follow in his foot steps.
Crack cocaine is bad bad news. Of course all drugs are bad. But crack is one of the baddest of the bad. It's so strong. It goes straight to your brain 100 times faster than regular coke and gets you much higher and wears off much quicker and the cravings are stronger too. It is just a stronger more dangerous drug. All drugs are not equal.
I'm glad that you are choosing NOT to let your boys grow up with a drug addict father in the house. I think it is the wrong choice in any situation. I think that children will see that as your acceptance that using drugs is ok and may follow in his foot steps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 19
I guess it is crack as it's hard like a rock. Given his personality, it's not too surprising he's doing this now as it's a natural progression from pot to cocaine to bigger things in order to "keep the edge off".
Hello-kitty, that's exactly what I think about the kids... they are great kids but how long will my influence be enough to stay away from drugs when they realize their father is a user? It won't be long until the figure out what their dad is doing. I don't want them to grow up wondering why I never did anything about it and resent me for allowing a drug user to live in the home. Or worse- use themselves because they think it's okay.
To them, he is great and wonderful. Most of his free time is spent with the kids- doing all the things mom says "no" to (extra candy, extra sweets, extra TV). And I know he really loves his kids, but even that does not hold any weight over the drug use. He even tells me when our oldest is 21 he won't have any problem "sharing" his pot usage with him. What a joke.
I've got to get the strength to be in the position to tell him he needs to choose between us and the drugs. You wonderful people are really helping me do that.
Hello-kitty, that's exactly what I think about the kids... they are great kids but how long will my influence be enough to stay away from drugs when they realize their father is a user? It won't be long until the figure out what their dad is doing. I don't want them to grow up wondering why I never did anything about it and resent me for allowing a drug user to live in the home. Or worse- use themselves because they think it's okay.
To them, he is great and wonderful. Most of his free time is spent with the kids- doing all the things mom says "no" to (extra candy, extra sweets, extra TV). And I know he really loves his kids, but even that does not hold any weight over the drug use. He even tells me when our oldest is 21 he won't have any problem "sharing" his pot usage with him. What a joke.
I've got to get the strength to be in the position to tell him he needs to choose between us and the drugs. You wonderful people are really helping me do that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
He even tells me when our oldest is 21 he won't have any problem "sharing" his pot usage with him. What a joke.
It's about boundaries. Draw boundaries for the kind of behavior that is acceptable in your life and the life of your children. And have a plan in place for when those boundaries are violated. I find it much easier to take action when I have a plan in place. Write it down. And follow it.
Good luck. And especially look into your finances... a crack addict knows no boundaries when he is out of dope and looking to get high. They have been known to sell anything they can get their hands on and tell themselves that they will deal with the repercussions later.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I they are great kids but how long will my influence be enough to stay away from drugs when they realize their father is a user? It won't be long until the figure out what their dad is doing. I don't want them to grow up wondering why I never did anything about it and resent me for allowing a drug user to live in the home. Or worse- use themselves because they think it's okay.
To them, he is great and wonderful. Most of his free time is spent with the kids- doing all the things mom says "no" to (extra candy, extra sweets, extra TV). And I know he really loves his kids, but even that does not hold any weight over the drug use.
To them, he is great and wonderful. Most of his free time is spent with the kids- doing all the things mom says "no" to (extra candy, extra sweets, extra TV). And I know he really loves his kids, but even that does not hold any weight over the drug use.
Geeze - the top of the list for me right now is my kids. They are 7. I feel exactly the same way. Will try to write more tomorrow, but right now I'm the bit$% - the role model, the one who makes them brush their teeth, go to bed @ a reasonable time, limits tv, is the room mother, soccer coach, baseball coach, the one who makes them read daily, I'm the one the other parents know - not him. But yet he's the "fun one." Well who wouldn't be?? In the end in a 7 yo's eyes I'm the bad one. I'm the one that broke mommy and daddy up because mommy's always mad @ daddy. You can't tell a 7 year old what I've dealt with, but how do you make them understand??
They come to me for the important and unimportant things - but they LOVE being with dad because he's always "fun." It's a no win situation for me too, so I totally know where you're coming from with this.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Thanks AH - I know you're right. I know in the see and realize as they get older. It's just that I'm *NOT* fun because I"m so stressed out all of the time. Wound *so* tight! I know this is part of the process. It's ALL on my shoulders right now so I'm probably not the most pleasant person to be around through all of this drama. Thanks for the comments - in my head and heart I know what this is. It's just hard to see your 7 yo's totally idolize him when he's just stood back and enjoyed the ride the entire time. Don't get me wrong, I am GLAD my kids love their dad and I hope they never see the things about him that I've seen. I hope he gets his crap together before they ever know what I went through with him.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Yes, you are right. You know, I was thinking too - I hope they never understand, realize or see what I've went through first hand. Yes, I do have the luxury of having happy, healthy, well adjusted, well rounded kids. That is something I'm blessed with every day. No, it's not a competition - I never really looked @ it as that. I guess I just always thought I'd married my partner - someone to do this WITH me - KWIM? One thing though - I have done right by my kids and I am very proud of them. Thanks AH for pointing that out -
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 19
I'm completely depressed right now. Husband is working late and won't be home in time for me to go to the nar-anon meeting. Not that he knows that's where I was off to. But I was really looking forward to going to listen to the other people there.
anvilhead, you are spot on about the kids. Frustrating as it is to be the bad guy most of the time, at least I get to take them to sports and swim practice and all the other things they are involved with. I get to be the primary influence on them the bulk of the day and I've got to make that time count. They are super boys- really everything I do is for them.
So, I will lighten up for our afternoon together and enjoy the time and get to next week's meeting. That's the way it is for now. And I'm going to try not to spend time this evening thinking about if husband is using or not as he works which is wasted worry at this point.
anvilhead, you are spot on about the kids. Frustrating as it is to be the bad guy most of the time, at least I get to take them to sports and swim practice and all the other things they are involved with. I get to be the primary influence on them the bulk of the day and I've got to make that time count. They are super boys- really everything I do is for them.
So, I will lighten up for our afternoon together and enjoy the time and get to next week's meeting. That's the way it is for now. And I'm going to try not to spend time this evening thinking about if husband is using or not as he works which is wasted worry at this point.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Canard - I totally know how you feel. You can't plan ANYTHING around an addict. Something ALWAYS comes up. The best we can do is use these strong shoulders that we were forced to have and do our best. I KNOW the deep depression that can come. I also KNOW the fight that it takes to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and make the best of this - because that's what it always has been. Hang tough - you'll get to a meeting.
MY AH has suddenly decided he's had enough of drugs, is tired of the "chase". He's admitted that it's been 4 months clean in the last 5 years. I'm glad for that, but of course don't trust that. His words mean nothing to me. So I feel like I'm dealt another hand and am in for the ride yet again. Even though I am almost sure of the outcome. Hang in there - if not this week, than next - just make sure it doesn't go on FOREVER. It's good to have this time though, because even though he may not have a clue what you're thinking, he may not have a clue that you're "on" to him... this gives you more time to prepare - mentally, physically and financially. So when the time comes you'll be ready in ALL aspects.
MY AH has suddenly decided he's had enough of drugs, is tired of the "chase". He's admitted that it's been 4 months clean in the last 5 years. I'm glad for that, but of course don't trust that. His words mean nothing to me. So I feel like I'm dealt another hand and am in for the ride yet again. Even though I am almost sure of the outcome. Hang in there - if not this week, than next - just make sure it doesn't go on FOREVER. It's good to have this time though, because even though he may not have a clue what you're thinking, he may not have a clue that you're "on" to him... this gives you more time to prepare - mentally, physically and financially. So when the time comes you'll be ready in ALL aspects.
I read something you said about having to monitor him at the game. To keep him from being an embarrassment. Well...you could just let him be himself and see what the consequences would be. Maybe he would embarrass himself if you avoided him like the plague. Don't protect him that just endorses his behavior.
Lately I have removed my protective shield from around my H and he has been experiencing for himself what a jerk he actually is. I say let him stew in his own "stuff" and see how he likes it...It could open his eyes.
Lately I have removed my protective shield from around my H and he has been experiencing for himself what a jerk he actually is. I say let him stew in his own "stuff" and see how he likes it...It could open his eyes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 19
Splendra- thanks for the advice. I should just let him do whatever he is going to do. I doubt he will embarrass himself, though. He's got a pretty high tolerance on that front.
And I am wondering... once someone starts with crack, how long can they go between using it? Husband seems like he hasn't been on it the last couple days when he gets home, but I have no way of knowing (and am honestly trying not to think about) what he's doing during the day at work. But if he's not using the last couple days, then I have to prepare myself for him to be doing so this weekend after his "stressful week". Always an excuse.
Am trying to get a couple days during the week away with the kids- would be good for the three of us I think. But I've got to get that book in the mail first as we all know how much downtime there is to sit and read with pre-schoolers running amuk.
And I am wondering... once someone starts with crack, how long can they go between using it? Husband seems like he hasn't been on it the last couple days when he gets home, but I have no way of knowing (and am honestly trying not to think about) what he's doing during the day at work. But if he's not using the last couple days, then I have to prepare myself for him to be doing so this weekend after his "stressful week". Always an excuse.
Am trying to get a couple days during the week away with the kids- would be good for the three of us I think. But I've got to get that book in the mail first as we all know how much downtime there is to sit and read with pre-schoolers running amuk.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Crack addicts can go days or weeks without using but then when they use, they binge. That's part of why it is so dangerous. They may think they have it under control because they only use once a week... but addiction is progressive. They could go on months or years like that, slowly having the life sucked out of them. And then one day they may just spiral out of control. Their brain gets all screwed up. They may become psychotic. They may not be able to stop until all the money is gone. I mean all. The house. Any possessions worth selling or hawking. Everything. Gone. It's a viscious cycle. Selling things. Using dope. Running out. Going a few weeks. Forgetting how bad it is. Thinking they have it under control. Using again. Repeating the cycle. Eventually just spiralling out of control.
It's not like heroin or pills. You don't become physically dependent on it. You are psychologically and physiologically dependent on it. Eventually you lose your mind and ability to function in the normal world. This is a guarantee. When you continue to use, it happens. Guaranteed.
It's not like heroin or pills. You don't become physically dependent on it. You are psychologically and physiologically dependent on it. Eventually you lose your mind and ability to function in the normal world. This is a guarantee. When you continue to use, it happens. Guaranteed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 19
That describes the husband to a tee.
It's his pattern- sometimes he won't use for a few days during the week but then the weekend comes and he is so wound up by then that's what he's doing most of the time.
And now that I'm starting to understand the cycle... it's precisely why he says he has it all under control because he is not a daily user (he fills the non-drug days with "beers after work" or during lunch). That must be why he sees himself as an exception to the addiction rule. He thinks he can stop anytime. Not like those "real" drug users.
So it sounds like it's the waiting game for the other shoe to drop? He could go own for years on this cycle of drug usage? I honestly didn't think that was possible.... but now that I look back on it... that is what has been happening since I found the coke over a year ago. But this limbo.... it can just keep on like this? What I read about crack, it sounds like it doesn't take long to fall down the rabbit hole. I read that sentence, and in a sad way I want the bottom to fall out for him because other wise he will never accept or see that this is a problem. Never.
It's his pattern- sometimes he won't use for a few days during the week but then the weekend comes and he is so wound up by then that's what he's doing most of the time.
And now that I'm starting to understand the cycle... it's precisely why he says he has it all under control because he is not a daily user (he fills the non-drug days with "beers after work" or during lunch). That must be why he sees himself as an exception to the addiction rule. He thinks he can stop anytime. Not like those "real" drug users.
So it sounds like it's the waiting game for the other shoe to drop? He could go own for years on this cycle of drug usage? I honestly didn't think that was possible.... but now that I look back on it... that is what has been happening since I found the coke over a year ago. But this limbo.... it can just keep on like this? What I read about crack, it sounds like it doesn't take long to fall down the rabbit hole. I read that sentence, and in a sad way I want the bottom to fall out for him because other wise he will never accept or see that this is a problem. Never.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)