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Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Old 12-05-2007, 03:45 AM
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Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Oh boy. I started on step 4 and I think I regret looking too closely at myself.
I do not like what I have found out about myself in relation to my AP.
I found that I have treated her badly even before her addiction to meth.
I brought into our relationship baggage from my past marriage that ended with the death of my wife. I think maybe that I have been holding my deceased wife up as an example of what a spouse should be and my idea of what a relationship should be like (in my mind at least).
How could I have done this?
Why would I have done this?
Those two questions are going to haunt me now.
And the sad thing about this realization is that since her addiction, I think it has gotten worse. No, it has gotten worse. It is worse. Add together that my AP could never match up to my dead wife and then the addiction on top of that.
Do I talk with my AP about this?
I need to, do I not?
Will it inflict more harm than good.
It seems an unjust irony that that the most harm I’ve done to another turns out to be the addict in my life.
I may have this all wrong. It may be that I’ve looked at this as an excuse of some sort. I just do not know for sure.
I do know that it feels true to me and that it hit me hard when I put all the pieces together.
At first blush I want to run to my addict and admit what I have done these past six years, but that may just be me looking for some type of absolution.
AHHH. More meetings, more time searching, and more time finding faith of one form or another.
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Old 12-05-2007, 03:51 AM
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Ann
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Redside, Step 4 can be painful as we explore the unseen deep resentments we may carry, but it is also an inventory of the good things we have in ourselves and your compassion and recovery shine through all this, with your awareness of why you feel like you do.

We don't resolve all our conflicts in Step 4, we just identify them and prepare to give them to God as we work on ourselves and our recovery.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Hugs
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Old 12-05-2007, 04:16 AM
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Whats an AP?

I think you are getting ahead of yourself in the steps.

The inventory itself is step 4. You don't have to tell anyone about it at all, not even your sponsor. As Ann said this is where you identify your problems, not solve them.

In step 5 you have to share with another person the "general nature" of your wrongs, but not a blow-by-blow account with all the details. And this almost certainly would not be your AP, whatever that is.

You must then work steps 6 thru 8.

Finally, at step 9, you must make amends IF IN DOING SO YOU DO NOT HARM ANOTHER. By this time, the course of action you should take and how to handle it should be much clearer.

Good luck!
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Old 12-05-2007, 06:09 AM
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dgillz has it right. It's best not to make amends until we do the intermeaning steps. Right now, you just need to take a look. the purpose isn't to beat ourselves up and feel bad (though that's human). The purpose is to see how our destructive patterns of thought and behavior hurt others and ourselves, and ultimately, how they did NOT work for us. Did you behave this way in any other relationships? Comparing one person to another in order to get them to change? Have you had a pattern of unrealistic expectations of others? Have you had a pattern of judging others in order to avoid looking at your part? These kind of questions help us see our whole lives and relationships with others in a new light. Again, it isn't to beat up on ourselves but to see what worked and what didn't and what we want to change (with help from our higher power) later on in the steps.
Doing this work is takes courage and perserverence. Pat yourself on the back for your self-honesty and your willingness to change!
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Old 12-05-2007, 06:16 AM
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JMO, but I wouldn't linger too long on step 4. Through family circumstances I had to be away from my sponsor for a month between steps 4 & 5. It's not a good place to be. My advice would be to go forward working the steps with your sponsor, get through the telling and amends. Later you can come back and do a more thorough 4th step.
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Old 12-05-2007, 08:03 AM
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It appears to me you've uncovered a resentment. Did you resent your A wife
for not being who you wanted her to be?
It helps to have a sponsor guide us through the steps in order to find clarity especially with a 4th step inventory. The fearless part of a moral inventory means taking a step back from ourselves and striving to shed
objective light on ourselves without comdemnation.
Step 5 suggests you admit your shortcomings first to yourself and God. Confiding our faults to another trusted human being completes this step.

Your A is not the person to talk with at this time and I admire your self honesty in considering your motive for doing so. Your recovery shines in your
honesty, willingness and compassion.
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Old 12-05-2007, 08:40 AM
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Do you have a sponsor? I think any conversations about stuff I discover in a 4th step inventory need to be with her.

My resentments are mine. As are my amends.

One thing you might note - the amends step is quite a bit FURTHER down the line - there is a reason for that. We have to be far more healthy to make honest amends.... a true amends can sometimes be more... or less ... than "I'm sorry".

If your Addicted Partner (did I get that right?) is still actively using meth - I would not imagine you can have much of a meaningful conversation with her regarding any aspect of your relationship.

During Active addiction, my job has been to detatch... with love. I can work the steps, but that process is done separate from my family and friends... they are not an active part of it, for me.

My daughter's drug of choice is meth. I had a truck load of resentments toward her, and you bettcha I had/have some resentments that have built up along the way. My resolution of those resentments has generally entailed ME lowering MY expectations of another person. That other person has no need to be involved in this process.

I don't get rid of a resentment for any other reason than it hurts ME. My anger is a poison to MY system. I need to rid myself of it so I can make better choices in the future.

Even though I've figured out a lot of stuff on my own - by reading and going to face to face meetings - I truly believe my sponsor's input has been invaluable in working my steps.

After all, if I could work a recovery program by myself, I probably wouldn't need a program like Alanon or site like Sober Recovery.


I wish you the best....


((hugs))
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Old 12-06-2007, 06:02 AM
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you did not Cause it, you can not Control it, & you can not Cure it. it is not your fault. we r not powerful enough to MAKE some one use or make them clean. keep coming back & keep working your recovery.let go & let God. welcome to S.R.. prayers,
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Old 12-06-2007, 09:23 AM
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((redside))

Your post touched me. In it I see a person who has taken this step in an open an honest way. Your self awareness is a huge key in recovery. You've identified something about yourself that you have the power to change. Weather or not you talk to her about it now, in your heart you are aware, and the change brought on by awareness, is already happening.

As strange as it may seem, I see a person on the verge of blooming, it makes me smile because I know that you are well on your way to a wonderful awakening in your life.

Hugs and Prayers
B
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