payingtheprice

Today I stood up to the manipulation of my husband. We have been separated for about three months due to the fact that he chose to smoke up our rent money and we have been living apart since we got kicked out of our last house. (this is the 2nd time this has happened). So now that I am slowly putting the pieces of my life back together I decided that I was not going to make the same mistakes this time as I had made before. The biggest thing is being able to spot the manipulation. So I found out that he had been living with a woman and driving around town in her expensive SUV and true to form he stole her bank card to go and get high. She decided to file charges and now he is back living on the streets. But here's the thing - his explaination for why it was okay for him to be carrying on with this other woman is that he just has to do what he has to do to have someplace to lay his head and since I don't want to have sex with him why should it matter. I recently started back to work and am making some money now so of course he tries to get in touch with me all day yesterday. I didn't return his calls. Maybe it was that I just didn't even want to hear whatever story he was going to come up with or maybe it was that I didn't want to feel obligated to give him money that I worked hard to get for him to do Lord knows what. So this morning he calls and says that he is staying in the park and that he needs me to come and feed him. And maybe this is mean but I said no. No I will not take one more dollar from my children and give it to you, no I will not waste money on gas to drive to you and then allow you to guilt me out of money that I can't really afford to spend. No I will not come to you and allow you to pressure me into having sex with you. No I will not stay on the phone with you and let you call me names. And no I will not feel bad for hanging up and not giving into you.

Don't get me wrong it hurts to know that my husband is out there messed up like he is but I don't feel the need to be on this constant rollercoaster with him. I'm not turning my back on him I'm just backing up. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I love him and I want to see him get better but this is not the way for me to help him get better. So many times I have given him my last $5 for what I thought was to feed him and he use it to get high instead. And even if I went down there to buy him something to eat there will be drama to follow because I didn't give more money or because I wouldn't want to have sex with him. So part of me feels it was mean but a larger part of me feels strong and empowered and like I have taken a giant step away from the madness if only for the moment.:codiepolice

parentrecovers

seems like a perfectly logical and intelligent choice to me. good job!

hugs, k

BrokenBridges24

WOW!!! GREAT FOR YOU. No you were not being mean. You were right on the mark. You did the right thing and you are correct... a gaint leap in your own recovery!!!

GOOD JOB!!! Now stay strong. Do not beat yourself up and rethink it. It was the right thing to do. You did GREAT!!!

((((((((((((((((MAJOR HUGS)))))))))))))))

-Broken

Gettintired

No, you absolutly did the right thing! Those babies of yours have to come first!!!
Sometimes the tough love thing feels WAY harder on us than it seems to be affecting to them! But it is absolutly necessary sometimes!

Understaning your guilt and pain!
G.

DevastatedJP

Great Job!! It is so hard to say "no" but once you HAVE said it, it will be easier the next time. It IS empowering, no matter who you say it to but especially when you say it in the name of protecting yourself and your children. You did good. You can do it again!

nytepassion

If you had gone and done all the things he wanted you to .. You would have been abandoning yourself. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Stick to it and keep on keepin" on


(and if it was mean - it was a GOOD MEAN .. GOOD FOR YOU, good for HIM) I declare that us codies need to follow your your example and be mean more often then not) *insert humor* "Just say no to drug addicts"


Passion

CatsPajamas

PTP,
I didnt read anything beyond the title and your first sentence, and I already want to comment. When we finally set and begin to maintain boundaries, it isn't comfortable for the people around us. They are used to getting their way!

Were you being mean? I don't know for sure. All I do know is that I like to say what I mean, mean what I say and don't be mean when I say it.

Hugs
Cats

mooselips

payingtheprice,
IMO, you were holding on to the boundaries you have put in place.
It's a good thing.

And yes, I can remember the first time I said "NO" it made me feel very uncomfortable...but now after lots of practice, I've gotten quite good at it!

Hugs,

payingtheprice

I really appreciate all of the support. He just called to let me know that I'm not his wife, I'm just the woman he married. You know for a quick moment I was starting to feel bad. Thoughts of him walking the streets in the cold and being hungry raced through my mind. Then I started thinking this is the same man that not even 2 days ago was laid up with another woman and if he hadn't stolen from her he still might be. Are you seriously going to take money from your kids and give it to him again? Thank God I have this internal dialogue going on inside my head. It is difficult but I feel like I just need to be strong and make it through today and figure out tomorrow when it gets here. So I guess I am in my own state of recovery from him huh?

Much thanks to all of you - so grateful to have a support of people that truly understand that no I'm not going crazy but I am getting stronger everyday.

kj21

Way to go!!! Stay strong!

kelsh

payingtheprice,

I had to do the same thing to my second husband....unplugged the phone too so I wouldn't be tempted to listen to his tirades each time he called.

Good Job!

kelsh

caileesnana

Good job!
susan

mooselips

PtP,
There's even more support for you, if you can find some meetings in your area.
Naranon, or Alanon....good people, good experience, strength, and hope...for you.

Hugs

BrokenBridges24

Way to go!!!!

sherryb1010

YOU GO GIRL!!!! You are doing awesome!!! Many prayers coming at you. I know that takes a lot of courage and it will take a lot more to stay strong.

sneakers

Take it one day at a time payingtheprice, you only have to live for today. Sometimes we have to let our love ones hit the floor before they learn I know tha's hard to take but it's true. You did the right thing keep up the good work.


Your friend


Sneakers,

Pilgrim

Remember to keep telling us about the blabber coming from his scared mouth. If it goes on SR, it won't go near your heart. You are doing great!!

cinderellawkids

Keep remembering this, post it by your phone if you need too. If he has chose to violate the marital bonds further by being with another woman, and lost her too its time he just find another and leave you alone.

Im proud of you and want to be like you as I mentally grow

Lobo

Take your right hand and put it over your left shoulder and give yourself the biggest pat on the back because you sure deserve it. You took a stand for yourself and your kids. Hopefuly someday he'll get it and realize what he has lost. You are helping him to realize that.

Keep doing what you are doing, sweetie............Lo

Impurrfect

Way to go!!!

I am a recovering crack addict who left my very active boyfriend because his motto for life is "hustle to get high". He will always find a way to get crack, food, cigarettes, or beer. I still hear from him occasionally....wants to see me. But I know he just wants me to support his habit. It still hurts, but if it comes to me or him, I'm gonna take care of ME!

I am so proud of you!!!! He can get himself out of his situation if he wants to. The main thing is that you are taking care of you and you're kids (and doing a damn good job of it). Keep it up!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy