duet_4-8

Hi and welcome, we haven't met before. You are most definately NOT being mean. You are being realistic, honest, and smart. You are taking care of yourself and your children and letting him find his own way. You are calling his behavior exactly what it is-manipulation.

What you have done will go a lot farther towards helping him than giving in to what he wants you to do. If he is homeless and hungry, maybe he will find his own way to recovery-which is the only way that works for any of us.

Stay strong and keep coming here and posting. This place has been a Godsend for me!

((((hugs)))))

GiveLove

Way to protect yourself and your kids, payingtheprice! I wish my parents had been more like you when I was little. EITHER of them

I know you feel bad for him, but the fact is he is a user, a liar, a thief, and a manipulator. He's coming to you because he thinks you're the mostly likely one that can be coerced into bailing him out of his self-created mess.

There are free meals at the Salvation Army shelter. Oh, wait, THEY can't be manipulated and made to feel bad.

Keep it up. You're doing right by yourself and your kids.

dustie

i just found this site lastnight, while in the middle of a meltdown over my ex. let me tell you this....thank you to you and everyone else. just reading these posts i know that i am not alone, and it makes me stronger. my heart aches for you and your babies but STAY STRONG. i feel stronger just reading your post. we are "sisters" in this nightmare, and one day we will wake up from it. but it is up to us....right?

dustie

Wascally Wabbit

Im sorry you have to hurt like this. It's so hard to see someone we love as an addict. But you're doing the right thing. Stand up for yourself. Stay strong. We all know what happens when we fall for the manipulation.

hope213

good girl....i know it was hard to do but u did the right thing.he will find another way to meet his needs whatever the case may be.he is an addict & they r good at getting people to do things for them.sounds as if he want be on the streets long if has has a warrant out on him.either way it is not your problem.look after u & your kids.my addict is my son. i am glad u r here with us.keep coming back.prayers, hope

payingtheprice

Oh my goodness I can't even believe the latest. Well yes I can because at this point nothing surprises me. So he calls me this evening and asks is there a way for me to change my name back to my maiden name since I'm not acting like a wife and our marriage is basically over. He said that he is out there hungry by himself and that I don't care about him and that talking to me just sets him up to be hurt. Is he out of his mind or what. I can't believe it. And then he wants to accuse me of cheating. I could just slap him. But then that would be letting him have control over me. He said that he doesn't even recognize me today and I could say was that was the best thing you have ever said to me. That means that I really am making progress. All the tricks that he normally uses to get me guilted into him are not working and he hates it. But you know the thing that I don't understand is why does it have to be this way. Why does it have to be that he uses and destroys everything that we had. He keeps saying how lonely he is and that the only thing that he needs in life is a friend. But you know either my heart is growing cold or things just don't effect me the way they used to effect me. God is truly being my strength and I trust Him completely. Even though I know that I will have to have this battle many times again. Just the fact that I made it through this day victoriously and that I know that I have all of you here to support and help me through makes all the difference. Thank you again to all of you, I can't explain how much it means to have you all.

greeteachday

Hi - Welcome! You are doing awesome. Just a couple of thoughts I had while reading your post....

If talking to you "sets him up to be hurt," he can choose not to talk to you. Just like if he continues to manipulate (likely while he is active) you can choose not to answer his calls. I'm sure it would help you to keep the focus on you and the kids if he is not on the other end of the line. If you can, maybe give that a try.

That's the tough part...Because he is very, very sick...But his sickness isn't the kind that you can make better by being there for him, feeding him, lending him money, being the soft landing...This sickness is so crazy that the exact opposite of everything we normally do is what may help. Instead of giving comfort and help while our loved addicts are using, we have to take care of ourselves and let them find their own way. The thing that helped me to realize that this wasn't cold and unfeeling was realizing that by continuing to give an addict I love a soft landing, I help the use continue because it is sure easy to get high and be irresponsible and let someone shelter and comfort you, rather than feel the pain and consequences of use...So my "caring" could be killing...

Keep posting and reading, Payingtheprice...this is a great place. And if you can find Naranon or Alanon meetings, you'll find the same kind of support - just live and in person Hugs

Impurrfect

Payingtheprice -

You are doing great!!!

Some things to keep in mind from this RA -

- addiction is a lonely disease. We don't have friends because we've pushed them all away by our actions.''

- to stop enabling an addict, IMHO, is the greatest act of love.

If you aren't comfortable not taking his calls, you may try cutting them short by not engaging in his quacking. Like someone here said, when he starts talking this crap, try saying "bummer", followed by "gotta go".

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rahsue

the epidemy of strength!!!!!!!!! Keep up the good work.