good grief...........how strange is this???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
good grief...........how strange is this???
Friends,
This is where I am and I do need some support. My son is supppsedly clean since the week before Father's Day. He had a relapse several days before that time after achieving six months and six weeks of sobriety. In order to protect my sanity I have removed myself from contact with him but my brother has been checking on him.
My son and his wife have a baby and of course she asked him to leave the home. For a time he went to AA but his wife found a counselor who felt AA was a "revolving door" and encouraged him not to attend. My son has been working two jobs, paying rent, riding a bike to work, paying for the therapist (on a sliding scale) and giving his wife half of his earnings while letting her stay in a paid for home and drive a paid for car while he bikes to work over three miles one way. Note they have another car that sits in the driveway that she won't let him use as she feels it is a "trigger".
Recently I was told my son was losing a lot of weight. My brother checked and found he had been taking only a sandwich to work because he had no extra $$$. My brother did the math and found this to be true. The therapist involved says they (son and wife) must soon decide if they want to try again regarding their marriage.
Seems wife has outstanding credit cards and really wants them paid. Plus she wants me to pay for a 90 day drug test for my son. Where he has economized , such as suggesting they eat a meal at home after church, she wants a meal out and they really don't have the resources to do that........plus she is eating out three meals a week at lunch at restaurants while he is eating sandwiches on the job.
My question is this..............I don't want to buy the kit. i think I should continue with "hands off the addict." My son is losing weight due to not much food on hand. So should I buy him groceries? Is that enabling? my thanks, dixie
This is where I am and I do need some support. My son is supppsedly clean since the week before Father's Day. He had a relapse several days before that time after achieving six months and six weeks of sobriety. In order to protect my sanity I have removed myself from contact with him but my brother has been checking on him.
My son and his wife have a baby and of course she asked him to leave the home. For a time he went to AA but his wife found a counselor who felt AA was a "revolving door" and encouraged him not to attend. My son has been working two jobs, paying rent, riding a bike to work, paying for the therapist (on a sliding scale) and giving his wife half of his earnings while letting her stay in a paid for home and drive a paid for car while he bikes to work over three miles one way. Note they have another car that sits in the driveway that she won't let him use as she feels it is a "trigger".
Recently I was told my son was losing a lot of weight. My brother checked and found he had been taking only a sandwich to work because he had no extra $$$. My brother did the math and found this to be true. The therapist involved says they (son and wife) must soon decide if they want to try again regarding their marriage.
Seems wife has outstanding credit cards and really wants them paid. Plus she wants me to pay for a 90 day drug test for my son. Where he has economized , such as suggesting they eat a meal at home after church, she wants a meal out and they really don't have the resources to do that........plus she is eating out three meals a week at lunch at restaurants while he is eating sandwiches on the job.
My question is this..............I don't want to buy the kit. i think I should continue with "hands off the addict." My son is losing weight due to not much food on hand. So should I buy him groceries? Is that enabling? my thanks, dixie
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I do not think buying groceries is enabling. I would help my son in that aspect by all means. Makes ya wanna smack your daughter in law don't it? The rest, it sounds like, you got covered.
good luck
good luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
You need to do what feels comfortable to you. I would probably consider helping him. But I would tell him up front that this is only if he is clean, and it is temporary. That I would do it for one month then see where things are at. Then I would purchase the groceries myself so I knew where the $$$ went for sure. Your son sounds like he is really trying. I will keep him in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
First of all has he asked you for any help? If not this may create resentments. Your son may be okay with where he is at right now. As for your DIL, what happens there is between your son and his wife. If he is not having a problem with what she is doing then leave it alone. Your DIL may have her reasons for wanting to have those meals out and if she has been through the hell of living with an addict then maybe she is doing something nice for herself. Putting yourself in the middle may cause them both to resent you. Talk to your son first and then decide. I don't think that buying groceries to help him out is wrong, but maybe it is not necessary and may make things worse. Just a thought. Sending hugs and prayers, Marle
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Dixied)))))
I don't see anything wrong in buying the groceries for him.
How's it working out for him and his estranged wife, btw?
I know she just wants him well and to continue a good
recovery path, but doesn't what she's doing, sound a little
controlling? Does she attend alanon/naranon meetings?
Sending prayers that things work out for them.
Lots of prayers to you, too, Dixied. It must be
hard standing back and trying not to interfere in how she's
handling the marriage. I think I'da had to give my 2 cents, for
what it's worth. So I think your doing an amazing job with your
own recovery. Big Hugs to you.
Love,
Linda
I don't see anything wrong in buying the groceries for him.
How's it working out for him and his estranged wife, btw?
I know she just wants him well and to continue a good
recovery path, but doesn't what she's doing, sound a little
controlling? Does she attend alanon/naranon meetings?
Sending prayers that things work out for them.
Lots of prayers to you, too, Dixied. It must be
hard standing back and trying not to interfere in how she's
handling the marriage. I think I'da had to give my 2 cents, for
what it's worth. So I think your doing an amazing job with your
own recovery. Big Hugs to you.
Love,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
I would not even second guess myself on helping him with groceries. We all need food to stay healthy no matter what. I would never deny food if I knew my child or anyone I knew needed it. Food is a necessity of life. If I contribute to the Light of Life Mission and I am sure some of those people are drug addicts....then I certainly woouldn't hold back for my child. He may be too proud to ask for help. As for the DIL, I would stay out of her business and let her handle things her own way. I have two DIL's and I never get in there business. I understand that you have a different set of circumstances, but I still don't think she'll thank you for it. JMHO.
Good luck.........Lo
Good luck.........Lo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
lobo,
thank you. you make a very good point. I need to be reminded of that. It just galls me that she takes over half his salary and with the remainder he pays rent, etc. I became concerned because he has lost over 15 pounds regarding his weight and he volunteered to my brother that he had been skipping lunch because he hadn't even had sandwich meat in the last few days........so i guess I am angry right now. No one should have to go without food but I will try to keep my opinions to myself. thank you for reminding me what is outside my hula hoop shouldn't concern me........dixie
thank you. you make a very good point. I need to be reminded of that. It just galls me that she takes over half his salary and with the remainder he pays rent, etc. I became concerned because he has lost over 15 pounds regarding his weight and he volunteered to my brother that he had been skipping lunch because he hadn't even had sandwich meat in the last few days........so i guess I am angry right now. No one should have to go without food but I will try to keep my opinions to myself. thank you for reminding me what is outside my hula hoop shouldn't concern me........dixie
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
You could always get those little food cards too, you know like from Trader Joes, or even fast food places have them for like $5.00. My parents get me those every so often from Trader Joes, and I hide them from myself and save them for emergencies like he is going through, them are like a Godsend when you need them. I buy those little fast food things for my sister in college, lol, cuz those boneheads are always broke, they don't know how to spend their money, lol.. J/K..
I am with Lobo though, I would never ask for money for anything even food. That's me anyways.
I remember when I was newly clean still and it was on Xmas and I was by myself, my mom was so upset already that I was by myself, and I called her and they were all eating Xmas dinner, and at the time, I couldn't find enough money to even go buy a top ramen, and I was starving. She would have died if she knew that. But I would never upset her w/stuff like that, even though I know she would have gotten me food that night, lol. oh man those days.
oh btw, that's another good thing to buy him a case of top ramen.
lol, it's only a few dollars and last forever and is perfect for emergencies. lol
I am with Lobo though, I would never ask for money for anything even food. That's me anyways.
I remember when I was newly clean still and it was on Xmas and I was by myself, my mom was so upset already that I was by myself, and I called her and they were all eating Xmas dinner, and at the time, I couldn't find enough money to even go buy a top ramen, and I was starving. She would have died if she knew that. But I would never upset her w/stuff like that, even though I know she would have gotten me food that night, lol. oh man those days.
oh btw, that's another good thing to buy him a case of top ramen.
lol, it's only a few dollars and last forever and is perfect for emergencies. lol
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Since she takes half of his salary and eats out three times a week that is all the more reason I would help my son with groceries. Like Done said maybe some food cards. DIL cannot fault you for how you help him because you are not telling her what to do or not to do. It sounds like your son is really trying and he has been trying to do what is right with his wife too.
I remember when my son was a Marine in the Gulf War and I knew that he wasn't receiving his care packages. All he ever ate was MRE's. That is all there is to live on when you live in a fox hole. I used to sit down to eat my dinner and I just could not enjoy that food knowing that he had so little. That is just a mother's instinct to feed our kids.
I know you will do what your heart tells you to do, Dixed. You seem to be doing all of the right things so far and I can tell that you have much love for your son no matter what.
Hugs..........Lo
I remember when my son was a Marine in the Gulf War and I knew that he wasn't receiving his care packages. All he ever ate was MRE's. That is all there is to live on when you live in a fox hole. I used to sit down to eat my dinner and I just could not enjoy that food knowing that he had so little. That is just a mother's instinct to feed our kids.
I know you will do what your heart tells you to do, Dixed. You seem to be doing all of the right things so far and I can tell that you have much love for your son no matter what.
Hugs..........Lo
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
I just could not enjoy that food knowing that he had so little. That is just a mother's instinct to feed our kids.
When I know my son is not eating right, or hardly eating,
I have such a hard time enjoying a meal. All I can think
about is him doing without.
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