What Character Defects R You Giving Up?

Old 06-05-2007, 06:48 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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Arrow What Character Defects R You Giving Up?

The best part of recovery for me is learning to take only my own inventory. I use to be good at taking everyone else's inventory. I realized I was not a good listener, I am now. I was very critical, now I practice acceptance. I gave unsolicited advice, now I try and give advice only when asked. I am assertive but tended to intellectualize my thoughts and feelings-I had a difficult time expressing my feelings from an emotional perspective, I can now freely express myself on this deeper level and my relationships are greatly improved. I had a hard time admitting when I was wrong. I now make amends whenever I am wrong. Love that step 4
What Character Defects R You Giving Up or acknowledging?
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Old 06-05-2007, 06:57 PM
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Power is not having to respond
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My biggest character defect is to get extremely depressed over things I can not control. The last couple of days I have had to use my alanon skills and thank HP for something I wanted with all my entire heart, and did not get. This was so hard, but I continue to practice thanksgiving. So, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...
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Old 06-05-2007, 07:13 PM
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My biggest defect is being reactive instead of proactive. I'm trying hard to overcome this by simply not reacting. In the past, my AH would know just what to say and do to provoke the reaction he needed. Now that I'm not reacting, I've taken that power from him and given it back to me. Now if I could just learn how to let go of the anger I feel even though I'm not reacting.....
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Old 06-05-2007, 07:21 PM
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My biggest, is being too proactive, I need to become more passive and keep my big mouth shut. I am getting better, although my posts are still too direct...I suffer from a lack of foo, foo. I hope it is not catchie, like the flu,flu.
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Old 06-05-2007, 07:36 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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Anyone busy taking their own inventory? I'd like to know how you do it and how you've changed?
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Old 06-05-2007, 07:38 PM
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I stopped playing spy was really hard, because I knew where a lot of the stash places were, but eventually started planning my stuff so that I went near those places as little as possible (and when I had to, I made sure my hands were full, lol) It took a long time, and a lot of talking myself through it, but today, I no longer snoop.
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Old 06-05-2007, 07:45 PM
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WHat does it mean when you see yourself in every post???? I've got alot of work to do!
My biggest defect is being a fixer. I'm a nurse and it comes naturally. I have learned the last few weeks I am not God and can't fix everything. I'm actually becoming OK w/ it too!
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Old 06-05-2007, 07:54 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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Isn't it amazing when we take the spotlight off of the addict and put it on ourself how much there is too see. It feels good to change the things I can, myself. I use to be a perfectionist. Now I am much more relaxed with my environment and those in it
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Old 06-05-2007, 08:10 PM
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Red face

I'm always trying to remind myself not to be any harder on myself than I am on my friends.

Some of the things I say to myself about myself are so mean and critical compared to what I would say to anyone else.

I've gotta remember to be a friend to myself!
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Old 06-05-2007, 08:24 PM
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Ohh.... judmental...judgmental... judgmental!!!

And controlling!!

And martyring!!

And being a victim!!

Yep... and those are just the beginning.

Funny thing - in meetings, I've learned to remember a saying I heard right here on THESE boards, but up in one of the other rooms (AA? Alcoholism? One of those...)

"I spot it, I got it".

Now, when someone at a meeting is irritating the heck out of me, I can almost ALWAYS figure out which one of MY character defects I have spotted! For me, that is progress....

Thanks for this, Spiritual Seeker. Very good.
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Old 06-05-2007, 08:52 PM
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Gee, Spiritual Seeker, just how many defects can I mention in one post without maxing out this board???

Ok........well..........uh........err..........can you tell I REALLY don't like admitting this stuff?

Ok,..............PRIDE. Good, I said it. Yeah, that ole pride thing. Just don't want to have to admit I'm wrong (mainly with Mr. Hangin'. I do fine with general public.) But pride will cheat me and steal from me quicker than anything. And I know that and I still hang on to it.'s a tough one.

Better go do a little work on it, hadn't I, SS? Where's that "Blueprint for Progresss"?

And yes, as painful as it can be sometimes, getting the spotlight off the addict/alcoholic and on to me is one of the best gifts the 12 step program has given me. I am so grateful.

Thanks SS for this topic. Good one!

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Old 06-05-2007, 10:03 PM
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I have a lot of things to work on, but I would have to say that being totally honest about everything and insisting on honesty in others is number one on my list right now.

It wasn't easy to admit to myself that I was as much of a liar as exah is. I always seemed to come up with a rationalization or justification for MY lies; it was a way of life. Not an easy thing to change, either. but I'm working on it! ;-)
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Old 06-05-2007, 10:12 PM
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to many to name..................but for starters Controlling and reacting
thats my first big ones
oh yeah and letting GO!!! Gosh this ones so difficult
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Old 06-06-2007, 12:32 AM
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Lots of good changes
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:01 AM
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Okay, throw rocks at me, but I had to give up the belief that I was defective!
That sure was a crippling belief!

But, hey, it is OK to be me and that is not up to others' expectaions or projections.

I find when you like yourself and you get happy, it builds upon itself.

So, I am looking forward to an ecstactic older age. Besides Carol inspires me to new heights!

I don't look for wrong, I look for on that and you have a solid foundation!

Can't help Dad taught me to be Socrates Gadfly! LOL
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Old 06-06-2007, 03:32 AM
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Oh I had a long list but I think that "controlling" was the biggest, always trying to control everyone around me and thus keep "my" world controllable.

And "reacting in fear" instead of "acting in faith". This one took a lot of practice and awareness to overcome.

Good thread and food for thought.

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Old 06-06-2007, 04:19 AM
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Controlling and impatient. I think they go hand in hand. Doing better lately but realize that it is so easy to slip back into the old ways. All it takes is one conversation with the AD. Hugs, Marle
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Old 06-06-2007, 06:36 AM
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Great thread!
Shame. At not having been able to control it, cure it.
Doormat-itis. Here. Step all over me. No, really: That's what I'm here for!

The BIG one: Letting go of fear.

This, natch, is the short list.

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Old 06-06-2007, 06:50 AM
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All of the ones noted before me are applicable on a daily basis.

Right now I am working on control....aka let go or get dragged! All of my control issues are related to fears which means that I need to work on steps 2 and
3. Faith is the solution then?

I am also working to improve my self-care. My boundaries are so fluid that I don't protect myself very well at times. I get blindsided by other's irritability/anger and bow up in my reactions to their moods. If I am spiritually fit then I can step aside and let them have their own emotions instead of taking them on and feeling them for them.

I could spend my day with this as my research project. I think that I'll just focus on these for now!

Thanks! Donna
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Old 06-06-2007, 09:45 AM
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Yikes! In regards to dealing with addiction, a big defect for me is fluctuating on my boundaries in the attempt to control the outcomes.

I am still not sure how, but last month found the strength to NOT let hubby come home after binging and let him continue his self-destruction on his own instead of in my house with me supervising the self-destruction!! And he ended up in rehab, so I think it was a good thing. I stuck to my boundary and I am happier in myself today.
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