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addict ex-boyfriend calling me

Old 05-17-2007, 01:34 PM
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addict ex-boyfriend calling me

Hi, I have read every post on here and i have learned so much and seen that i have not been alone in my situation. I got involved with my ex over 3 years ago. He told me he used to have a crack problem, but he didn't use anymore. He was not sober from pot and booze, though. After about 9 months he started using crack again. He got real out of control and he went to rehab voluntarily twice in one year, but he relapsed right after. Then he went to jail twice-the longest for 4 months and relapsed right after. When he was using, he would steal, lie, pawn things to get money-then be sorry after. He can be the sweetest person when he's sober, but he put me through hell the rest of the time. Why do addictions get worse after every relapse? I would get my hopes up after each rehab or jail. While he was in jail last time I read "codependent no more" and saw myself on almost every page. When he got out of jail, I told him that I could not live with him-he found a job and got roommates. He was using, but we were seeing each other, but then he stopped calling and I had reason to believe that besides the drugs, he was seeing someone else. So I adjusted to the fact that it's over. After about 2 months I was getting over him real well-then he starts calling me again! Saying he misses me, etc. I know I'm better off with out him, but I have always had such a weakness for him and this is making me think, "maybe we could be friends or something", but I think it's probably better if I don't see him, maybe I should not even answer his calls. He owes me money still and said that he has been clean lately- (from crack-not weed and drink) and wants to start paying me back. I don't think he will (his words never match his actions) I think he is just trying to lure me back with promises of money. I would really like some encouragement or advice. Thanks.
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Old 05-17-2007, 01:44 PM
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sorry but i think that since you are already doing so well, you are setting yourself up to think that it will be so much different once he gets back in. i've been on this roller coaster for 21 yrs and its only gotten worse. unless he's totally commited to recovery, what you had is likely more of what you will get. rehab is not a cure all and relapse is so common with addiction.

on the other hand, i've been clean for a few yrs, but for me, i still have to be cautious and aware, commited to working a good plan of recovery or i'm sure that a relapse is somewhere waiting for the chance to raise its ugly head. i think the choice is yours but my suggestion to you would be for you to continue to take care of you, maybe you could go to alanon or naranon meetings for you. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Old 05-17-2007, 02:27 PM
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Sounds like to me you have everything already figured out. You know who he is, why he is saying what he is and that he is not going to pay you back your money. I would recommend you stay the heck away from him at least forever if not longer. He knows the power he has over you and will use your feelings for him against your own well being. I think most of us can say we have been screwed over by addicts and most owe us money some more than others. We were all a victim of a hustler version of the peanut under the shell street game. You will never get your money, he is not clean or will not stay that way and you most likely will go back to a possition that is bad for you, change your phone numbers and move on. Welcome to SR and take what you want, leave the rest.
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Old 05-17-2007, 02:35 PM
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Your right, I need to stay away-I just needed someone who's been there to reinforce the idea. One time he signed a notarized paper saying he owes me a certain amount of money-I can take that to court-he gets some settlement money later this year-so maybe I will even get payed back. What hurts is that I wonder if he ever really did care about me, or if he's just a really good actor and it's all a complete lie? That hurts.
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Old 05-17-2007, 02:39 PM
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rae,

My boyfriend is the addict in my life, his drug of choice is crack. I have been through the ups and downs of his addiction. Like you every stint in rehab or jail i would get my hopes up just to have them crash again. If I was you I would leave it alone, forget about the money see it as a lesson learned and continue going on with your life. You see even though I am still with my abf i will have to deal with him forever since we have a son together. When I look at my little boy whose only a year I wonder how am I going to explain to him that his dad uses drugs. Before this happens to you I think you should just close the door on this. But regardless of what you do we will be here for you.

Hugs,
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Old 05-17-2007, 03:59 PM
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raerae Who knows really whether he did BUT if he did it his idea of love and not what you considered love to be. Words and actions are two diffrent things. You were hurt by his actions, who cares if he is missing you or just desperate for attention. Seems drug addicts just cant stand to be by themselves too long maybe they get lonely or just miss stirring up the BS with people liek you or I. The true bottom line with myself and my xagf is whether she loved me or not I don't care as I will never, ever, be lead into her twisted life of lies again. Be strong and change your numbers...its a great way to let the A in your life to GET LOST! Oh like everyone elses A here mine came back several times until I said NO MORE. I heard it all until I changed my numbers, then i heard nothing more from her.
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Old 05-17-2007, 04:28 PM
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Can't add much to the above, except, he will always be an addict, it's only a matter of whether he is active or not.

Keep moving forward without him, you will be so much happier.
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Old 05-17-2007, 04:36 PM
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Addiction is a progressive disease and because he was in rehab does not mean he will start back at square one. Quite the opposite. When he relapses, he will pick up where he left off and the disease will continue its progression until he is either in an institution, in jail or he dies. The other alternative is recovery. Unfortunately it is impossible to predict who will make it and who won't. He is still using pot and booze and will probably go back to crack eventually. The only person that you need to worry about is you. You can't control what will happen to him, but you have the choice of improving your life and finding someone who does not have an addiction. Sounds like you have a good start. Keep going forward and if you look back, look back only to see how far you have come. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-17-2007, 04:37 PM
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Using weed and drinking is not staying clean, it's just trading drugs.

If you were my daughter, knowing what I know today and that you were doing okay without him, I'd tell you to run for the hills

It's your choice to stay or go but addiction is progressive and it isn't going to get any better anytime soon as long as he is using anything, including weed and alcohol.

Glad you joined us and hope you'll stick around, you are already doing well just to recognize the problem.

Hugs
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Old 05-17-2007, 04:41 PM
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YOU NEED TO RUN AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!!

you ain't got no kids with this guy,you are so lucky,run while you can,
I am so serious about this.

don't be entertaining any idea about what if he gets clean or he is nice when he is clean ,or knowbody realy knows him like i do,he is a sweet guy under it all BS.

this POS put you through hell,is in and out of jail.he's a looser

thats just what you need to get HIV aids from a GD crack head.don't forget about that ,them people are nasty.

what if you get pregnant by this POS.then what. that kid will have a GD crack head for a dad, and a mother that was dumb enough to let it happen,that sounds like a real recipe for success don't it?

and about that money.you must be crazy if you think you can get money from a crack head. you can't even get something back that they barrow from you,
that money is up in smoke and ain't coming back,
you are on a long list of people that this hero owes money to that he is not going to pay back,

don't let this guy near you! He is a death sentace.

it is not cute it is not sexy,it is not rock and roll.it is a nasty crack head. a young crack head will become a old toothless crack head.

and even the ones that stop useing are so messed up you don't need a guy like that .that stuff is so strong it alters you brain chemistry, not only does it fry your brain and make you a numb skull,but it changes you, you will never realy be happy again.

I know all there is to know about crack,and most everything else that is bad. i got no reason to lie to you.i know you know you need to leave this guy .DO IT NOW.

this guy is death,muder,rape,theft,pain,torture,this guy is crack.

hate him, pull your head out of your ___ and HATE HIM! save your self!

o yeah ,and HUGS. LOL
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Old 05-17-2007, 07:25 PM
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with all the people on this earth and as young as you are you can find another guy who is sweet and nice and who will love you on the terms love is supposed to be on (not cheating or drinking or using drugs).

You XABF sounds like mine. He was a huge pot user but I did not know until he moved out. He smoked a LOT and it was a pipe and I thought the
tobacco" smelled sort of funny.. Well, it did cuz it was Weed he was growing in MY BASEMENT.

Mine also "used to use" Cocaine freebasing it. I think he was back into it this past year.. he got $$ from his Mother's Estate and he started lying up a storm and I found out he had a side girl he was sleeping with.

Dolly is right.. move forward and you will be so much better off. You cannot love them better. God knows I tried to.
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Old 05-17-2007, 07:43 PM
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PLEASE listen to all of the above!!! When I finally realized (he was an excellent liar and manipulator) my exah was a drug addict (DOC crack) and kicked him out..4 1/2 yrs. together, 1 /12 yrs. married...he immediately took up with an 18-year old crack wh*** (he's 55) and stayed on the streets (running up $100,000 in credit card bills( I helped him get his credit good) almost a year until he ran out of money and his 74-year old Mommy rescued him and nformed me she was the only one that knew him and could help him (enabler plus) and also a liar, manipulator & daily "medicinal" pot user for her arthritis. Just telling you how bad it can get!! He started calling me when he was with his mother and wanted to see me because "he still loves me"...it makes me want to vomit that I ever knew him. I'm not even sugar coating my advice...RUN!!!
Hugs,
Susie
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Old 05-18-2007, 12:16 AM
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Hey Rae,

I was married to an alcoholic and cocaine addict and he would stop one or the other from time to time. I loved him to pieces when he was clean. It took him kicking me out for him to leave and I did look back a few times. I was PG with our daughter when we divorced, he didn't show up for the delivery and visited her a few times when she was an infant and then disappeared. I hear about him and from him every few years, he has clearly escalated to a point of insanity, tells me about voices in his head and the devil talking to him... He has supposed been clean for almost a year and has called once and apparently I wasn't forgiving and loving enough - I wan't mean, I was polite, as if talking to a stranger, which he basically is to me! He hasn't called since. The last time we talked, I told him I was proud that he was doing well, but I was also glad to know that I could talk to him and know that I was no longer in love with him. For me that was progress. For him that was betrayal. I am sorry that he is hurt, but I am happy that I am healed. I do wish the best for him in his life, I just choose not to be part of it anymore.

I know you are in the early stages of these choices and it is not easy to hope that these calls means he is back to the man who treats you right. Please tread cautiously, take care of yourself, and remember if his words send prickly feelings of caution up your spine to pay attention to those.

Only you can choose what you path you want to follow. I just suggest that you pause seriously at that fork in the road and consider honestly what is likely to be waiting for you on either side.

Best wishes,

CIM
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Old 05-21-2007, 01:44 PM
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Hi, I'd like to thank everyone for the feedback. The reality check helped me more than you will ever know. Someone suggested to me once that I was as addicted to him as he was to drugs. There is some truth in that. When he started calling me again, I felt kind of like an addict who just ran into his dealer--but I'm better again now and I'm not gonna see him under any circumstances. (By the way Carl used the term 'POS'-what does that mean?) I don't get on here much cause I don't have a computer-I'm getting one soon-and it will be so nice to not have to worry about anybody taking it out to pawn for drugs when I'm not home!! Life without the addict has truely gotten better and better over the last few months. Thanks again.
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Old 05-21-2007, 05:06 PM
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POS = Pice of S**T.......

I know cuz I HAD a POS myself... LOL
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Old 05-22-2007, 03:11 PM
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Angry sorry, need to vent...

The ex was ringing my doorbell at 3:00 AM last night. I didn't answer...he's done this before. Then he calls me today from a private number, I hadn't heard from him since I first posted on here. Last time he called I yelled at him and I thought that scared him away...wrong. He's asking why i didn't answer the door...am I in bed with a new guy? ( I wish...I haven't been with anyone since I last saw the ex which was the middle of Feb. He was always great in bed and that's probably the only thing I miss right now-but I'm just not ready for a relationship with anybody, and I don't know if I want a casual encounter right now either..it sucks..). He starts giving me compliments-telling me how great I would look in some leather pants on this motorcycle he's gonna buy and telling me how he hasn't smoked crack in two months now. I reminded him that he is still using pot and drinking, and he says, "well you know it's easier to quit if I do something else instead". I used to smoke weed, but I got sick of it a long time ago, and I don't think it's such a bad thing, but I'm just sick of dating guys who smoke weed 24/7-they are always kind of out of it and boring to talk to. I told him that I don't want to see him cause I realize that he never really loved me, that it didn't show, and he just said, "I'm sorry you feel that way"-like he's not sorry he was that way-he's just sorry I reacted this way. I finally just told him i have to go and hung up-I gotta remember to never answer the phone unless i know who is there, think I'll disconnect my doorbell, too. pm me if you want.

Last edited by raerae6; 05-22-2007 at 03:15 PM. Reason: adding more
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