reikihelps

I always feel validated when I go to a good Alanon meeting.
Thwack! Hits me right between the eyes!

reikihelps

Dear GF,
Do you think he'll change if her realizes what he's done?
Nothing wrong with sad....sounds like you're doing what you need to do as you need to do it.

GettingFree

Do you mean do I think he'll change his decision on the relationship? I don't know.

Do you mean do I think it will benefit him as a person and change within himself? I don't know.

I don't know much of anything right now. I'm going through withdrawal and hating the emotional roller coaster. I wish I didn't miss him as much as I do. I try to remind myself of all the challenges there were, and keep a realistic view of what this cost to my sense of self.

Addendum: just spoke with a smart SR recovery woman for a bit of a butt-kick. Commitment to self: honour my grief -- but move into living life. This will not hold me down. Back. Under. Or anything else. I am determined to create a life for myself where I'm happy with ME. And I don't need a relationship in it to be happy with me. I need a relationship with me. Me. Moi. Myself. I do have it in me. And like Glenda the Good Witch said, "You had the power all along." I'm finding it. Slow but sure.

GingerM

hugs!

One day at a time. I promise you it will get better. It really will.

Live

And it is a heck of alot easier if you aren't around someone twisting your emotions and head around!

GettingFree

Ginger -- helps to be reminded. I know it will.

Live, you are so right. Can you say The Exorcist? (as in head turning!).

As for the latest -- I felt it coming, but had to admit tonight I'm getting sick. Sneezing, running nose, feeling achy.
It was bound to happen after a month of a being on an emotional roller coaster, eating little and sleeping to match and running myself down. Oh well. One day at a time!

Live

herbal tea and lots of rest and repair time?
Stress does so wear down the immune system.
Be gentle with yourself as you are with us.
hugs...from a distance, I don't have time to be sick LOL

reikihelps

Hi GF,
Sorry I wasn't clear. I was wondering if you feel that if you reason well enough with him, he'll understand your view. I get into that trap with a family member who has bipolar disorder. When he is not doing well and his thinking is not clear, not amount of reasoning makes a bit of difference. I may as well talk to the wall. (When he's clear and taking his meds and taking care of himself, it's a totally different experience).
Not sure if any of that resonates with you.
-Hope you're doing something nice for you today-

GettingFree

That's the hope of my 'inner little girl'. But my adult self knows that this is unlikely when he's in this state.

My therapist describes it as him being in survival mode where he now has needed to draw the enemy lines and I've become like 'them' to him, and embody all the toxic echoes of past hurt and abuse. He may or may not see things differently when he is out of this phase.

But I know the important for me is letting go of either outcome. At this particular moment as I write this, I'm more comfortable with that. But my feelings can change moment to moment. Many other times, I have felt a kind of overpowering desperation to have him see the truth and see that I am not what he accuses me of. As if that will somehow take the pain away. But I know it won't.

So I'm doing what I need to to heal that pain inside.

thanks reiki,

gf

Cynay

What is it your doing to heal the pain inside?

naigirl

Hi, I don't know if it's going to help, but your ex sounds like someone with paranoid personality disorder. It sounds so familiar to me because I was just dumped by someone like your ex, and my ex has a diagnosed paranoid personality disorder in addition to substance abuse problems.

My ex has accused of me of haivng other men, emotionally manipuating him, being verbally abusive to him etc, basically everything he could accuse me of (which are not true at all), and cut off the relationship entirely after almost 2 years. He basically just dropped me like a piece of trash! The sad thing is his thinking is so twisted (he is also actively using) that he truly believes all these things no matter what I say and try to prove. I tried to prove my case (?) to him, but after a while I realized that this is really him and his problems, not mine, and I cannot fix his problems, and I need to move on with my life.

I am sorry you are having difficult time, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Time will heal your pain and mine. I listed some links below in case you would like to know more about PPD.

http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/parano...alitydisorder/

http://www.minddisorders.com/Ob-Ps/P...-disorder.html

GettingFree

Good question Cynay. I think there are a few things:

1) I'm letting the pain come to the surface completely so that it is there to heal

2) I'm working with my therapist on healing it. She believes it's a very good time to do some important work on on the past wounds that are now boiling at the surface in the face of this present hurt and reduce their energy and power

3) I'm leaning heavily on my support group -- including here at SR --to work through my feelings, question things, and use their wisdom to integrate into my experience. I'm picking up the phone, or writing, when I feel in danger of slipping.

4) I'm learning to have a better dialogue with my inner self, between adult and child, so I can learn better to comfort and care for myself and my inner child and reduce the intense need/craving for outside sources (my ex, etc) to soothe the pain -- as well as meet my own needs so there is less chance of projecting those unmet needs onto present-day situations and relationships

5) I have been writing a lot, journaling to get the feelings out, help with my process, and calm myself as well.

6) I'm establishing some techniques to help manage pain such as a grounding exercise my therapist suggested when the pain is intense (a technique I know is used in managing PTSD), as well as re-committing to mindfulness meditation to enable me to gain better control of my mind and feelings to ground me and steer me away from obsessive thinking

7) I have been reading different books that both validate and give me more information and context for what I am experiencing, which helps reduce the confusion around the pain and process it on a cognitive level. Some also have techniques to help manage going through this that have been really helpful.

8) I'm forcing myself to participate in life and not isolate, even when I feel not terribly motivated eg. tonight I met a former colleague and friend for dinner who happened to email me in the past week, and when I had briefly explained what I was going through, suggested we get together. It actually was really helpful for my spirits as there was lots of conversation about things other than recovery & my feelings. Hearing about someone else's creative endeavors was great for getting me out of myself (and my pain) and helping me see the parts of life to be embraced.

9) I'm also ensuring I do things that represent good self-care like keep appt's to get my hair cut, my dental check-up and building in some physical activity, in my case biking, walking my dog and my physio exercises. And I'm doing my best to remain creative in my work, which is critical to the work I do, and meet my commitments.

All that said -- it's still been a day-by-day thing, sometimes moment by moment. Every day at some point, sometimes several, I am overcome by the most intense feelings of loss, abandonment, sadness, helplessness, and fear. Sometimes I am gripped by intense anxiety I feel in my chest and stomach, and it is work to make myself eat and function. But I know if I keep doing these things, it will get continue to get better.

gf

Cynay

Holy cow..... Im taking notes from you!!!!

with all that said, you should be just fine in about 8 day I think.

Hon, your doing so well! BUT have you tried chocolate icecream????

inthisforkeeps

I feel your pain...you can read the gist of my situation under the post, "Made a decision". What helped me a little was realizing that I NEEDED to obsess more over what's good for me and less about him. *Everything* was about him for so long that I lost me and what was good for me. In many ways, I became just as bad as him, even though he was/is the so-called addict. Replace your obsession of him and your thoughts (I got those really bad, too) with something else - something more healthy for you...and keep at it b/c thoughts can become habits (and as we know, habits become addictions)....so, in essence, allow yourself to become addicted to living your life with emotional peace...whatever that means for you.

Much luv.......

GettingFree

I wish that were true!!!

Alas, all this looks good on paper, but it's living it that's the challenge. I've always been good at doing recovery in my head!

If my appetite would return that would be a great option.


I lost myself too. And yes, becoming dependent on emotional peace is a goal I can live with!

Missy

((((()))))I'm going through what you are at this time if you've read my threads. Exact accusations too... so I will keep my eye on this and thanks.
karen xo

Minx1969

Hey GF -

one thing I think you are missing from you list of recovery actions is FUN!!

I know my inner child likes to have fun..so sometimes I rent Disney films and I'll go to a toy store and buy her a present..(I have bunny ears I sometimes wear around the house)..

so spoil her for me, ok?

Cynay

I know hon... just trying to throw some fun into it...

Baby, we have a plan.... we know the steps.....we understand the process.

That does not change the emotion and Im right there with you in that emotion. Only today... that is all we have to get through sweetie.... just today.

meli2005

Go Easy on yourself. YOu have been thru a LOT!! I agree with another poster, maybe he has more than BPD, you mention such paranoia, of course those with personality d/o also have some paranoia. He needs to take responsibility and get the necessary help he needs for his mental/emotional help. YOu cannot do it, it is too much for the family/loved ones to carry all the burden.

I'm sorry you have been thru this.

GingerM

Oy does that ever bring back memories. After I kicked my last A out of my life, I lost 45 lbs in one month. Everyone told me I looked great. Problem was, they couldn't see that it's not really healthy to lose 45 lbs in one month.

Hang in there hon, I found that at the worst of it, I couldn't even see "one day at a time". I had to break it into smaller chunks. The first week or so, I broke it into 5 minute increments. "All I have to do is survive the next 5 minutes without a nervous breakdown, then I can go have a mini-breakdown in the bathroom" I've often wondered if people thought I had bowel problems during that period of my life, because I was constantly going to the bathroom at work to have little mini-breakdowns.

Don't deny yourself the right to have a breakdown, just make sure you keep it contained and don't let it get the better of you.

And if you have to, live your life in 5 minute increments. Sometimes that's the best we can do.

I PROMISE you, it really truly does get better. Cross my heart. You WILL make it through this. Look at what you've already been through - this isn't any worse, and you survived that.

You're stronger than you know. None of us know how strong we truly are until we're put to the test. You'll pass the test, I know it.