GettingFree

I know this is true, and I have been aware of it for a long time. In fact, I shared this with my partner many times. I explained why it was so hurtful to me to be accused falsely because I constantly was as a child.

What made this especially hard was this. He wanted to be able to share his fears of betrayal with me. He would bring up something, and say, "I'm having trouble, or I'm feeling uncomfortable with...." So it wouldn't be a direct accusation. If I tried to offer an explanation, I was accused of invalidating his feelings. If I felt hurt or had my own emotional reaction, I was accused of making it about me. He said he wasn't allowed a platform for his feelings.

I was always trying to figure out the right way to respond -- what was expected of me as he shared this stuff. I think I was expected to simply say something like, "Oh that sounds really hard to be experiencing. It makes sense you'd feel like that." Or something like that. I still don't exactly know.

All I know is that whatever I was feeling, didn't seem okay. I wasn't doing, saying the right thing.

So what did I end up doing? Often the same thing I did as a child: apologize for things I hadn't done but it seemed like the only way to get some peace and hope I would be accepted and loved again. And in this case, I frequently ended up apologizing for not responding the right way.

So yes -- this is very much a deep wound, going back to early childhood.

Yes, definitely. As I made the drive up north today, so many times memories came back. Celebrating nature was something we did well together, and so many good memories came back, that reignite the dream, and bring up huge feelings of loss. And at those times I have to remind myself that a dream really was all it was. It couldn't be a sustainable reality given the challenges.

Yes, equus. Absolutely true. Getting back in touch with this sprititual part of me is a challenge at this time, but I won't stop trying.

reikihelps

I hear ya, GF!!!! I try really hard when I am about to say "I'm sorry......" to check to see if I'm doing it to keep the peace or if I'm doing it because I am really sorry. Been looking at me caretaking of others lately and that fits right in the category of caretaking. Progress not perfection......

Live

Thinking of you.

Maybe I should keep my mouth shut.....but.....at the moment I am thinking why do I need to analyze all the ins and outs of something that hurts when it's simply natural that it would hurt.

hugs,
live

GettingFree

It's been a lesson hard learned again. In this case, I had truly taken on the belief that I was wrong. So I wasn't even aware that I had squelched my true thoughts and feelings. It's pretty remarkable when I look at it with some distance. And for me, I'm not sure it's as much about keeping peace, as it much is about keeping love.

Thanks for your thougts live. Yes -- I thought about this today. Making peace with hurt. That's what is is. It just hurts, it makes sense that it hurts, and I've got to ride it out. Sometimes I want to fight it. I hate that I hurt. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to cry anymore. But....it just does. Acceptance.

pmaslan

Ahhhh.... Acceptance...tonights reading for me in "Codependent No More....
glad you reminded me. Glad you sound a little better today btw.

Live

I have mentioned doing this before and maybe some think I am whacko but I swear my therapist got me started in it.
I went out in the woods and threw rocks at trees, there is something very satisfying about that sound WHACK. And I cussed and carried on until I wound up laughing at myself.
But I swear it helped alot.

pmaslan

Sounds good Live...my luck though a rock would ricoche (sp)
back and hit me......

Live

LMAO

okay I also got very good at target practice with eggs...it doesn't make the sound but ya get to see them splatter!

pmaslan

eggs... now you're talkin'

GettingFree

Throwing rocks may be a good thing. Right now I'm more sad than mad though. Going the wrong direction?

What I'm trying to figure out is, why is it so important to me that he realize what he's done?

Why is it important for me that he understand that he's turned into one of them, turned into the very thing he fears and hates?

Cynay

and that is the part that hurts the most for me.

Hang in there hon

Live

When our mind is in shock and as that lessens we try to make sense of things. We thought we understood or had a similar understanding and something happens that pulls the rug out from under that. And we try to make some sense of it. I think it is normal to feel like we need to understand something in order to be able to process it. And if we could just understand it then we would have a handle on it. That was my experience. But as it turned out, it didn't work that way. Or at least in that order. I was long over the relationship yet the wanting to understand still lingered and niggled. What understanding I have gained has taken a long time and came in bits and pieces.
Does this ring true for you at all?

GettingFree

It's not so much my own understanding I'm struggling with. I want HIM to see what he has done. I want him to see that, just as he was so terribly hurt as an innocent and abused, now he has done the same thing, hurt and abused an innocent.

I just don't know why it's so important to me that he have this lightbulb go off and realize this?

As far as my own understanding, I understand his behavior on an intellectual level. My therapist today talked about the impact of sexual childhood abuse, and gave me some more insight into his world and how things can get so confused and twisted. But on an emotional level, all the objective intellectual understanding disappears -- and all I want to do is cry out, "How could you do this to me?!"

Live

okay.
I was infuriated at the injustice as well.
I screamed you can't just throw me away like I am a used tampon. I am a human being and relationships are mutual. They are entered bilateraly and should be dissolved mutually. No one has the right to make a unilateral decision.
I still feel strongly about that.
It isn't fair.
But not everybody plays fair. Someday there may be a lightbulb, but again it may never happen.
I just wish I could think of something that would be helpful, but I am grabbing at straws.
It is still such a fresh wound, it will get better.

minnie

(((GF)))

I know when I was where you are, I simply wanted validation of what I'd been through.

After a while, I realised that I could give myself all the validation I needed and looking to someone who used the "cover-the-ears-and-say-I-can't-hear-you" method of dealing with life for it wasn't going to get me anywhere.

I guess I also thought that my pain might have been worth it if it created that lightbulb to go off in his head. How sick is that?

*edit* sorry, I wrote that last post before a cup of coffee. I think of the "going to hardware store to by bread" analogy. R does not want to know what he did to me, he'd rather stay a victim, it seems. Just yesterday, I looked at my first ever post on here, which was in response to a thread started by R. I can see now how unwilling he was to even listen to me, never mind take on board what I said.

I understand that sense of injustice. Boy, do I ever!! I know that is part of my motivation for taking R to court for money he owes me. (yes, it is still dragging on!) But my most powerful method of correcting that injustice is by learning from it, ensuring I don't get into that situation again and reaching out to others who are in the same situation. I can't change him, but I try to be a positive influence to others.

GettingFree

Live & Minnie....

Everything you say makes sense in my head. The injustice. Some don't play fair, and life sometimes isn't fair. Looking outside for validation where I can't get it instead of looking for it inside of me, or from my support network who do validate. And using this experience to grow and learn and do more healing.

My heart just weeps though.

I'm not sure why I've hit a big obstacle between yesterday evening and now. I suppose it will be like this for a while. Forward and back.

Live

Well, it's the "shifting sands" chaos too. How can you say or have vowed you love me and then be so hatefully cruel?

Like Minnie, I needed others to understand and validate me and I got that in counseling with a DV counselor. Emotional abuse counts.

And, realistically, would you expect a friend to just bounce back as quickly as you are wanting yourself to? I doubt it.

hugs! Posting helped me. I hope we aren't just confusing you more or causing you to question and analyze everything even more than any of us naturally would by asking the questions we do.

Tena

denny57

GF

I also went through a stage where I really needed the validation you're talking about. I can only say it took some time, but I don't need it any longer. A while back my therapist said someting along the lines of I should start to wrap my brain around the idea that there are some things I just may have to accept and move on. At the time I wasn't ready to do that, but was willing to accept her guidance. So I did none of the things I wanted to do - sending letters, making contact, etc. even though I really wanted to. A year later I am really glad I did what was contrary to my nature and desire.

Give it time. Go through it at the pace you need to. Take care.

LaTeeDa

I think my therapist would say that this is about helplessness. When we feel helpless, we revert to our old coping mechanism. For me it is control. If I can only "get a handle" on the situation, then I don't have to feel those unpleasant feelings of helplessness.

It sounds like you really need to reassure and love that helpless little girl inside you right now.

This is just my perspective. If I am off-base, please ignore.

(((GF)))

L

GettingFree

Yes, I keep feeling this.

I'm not sure if I can or not. Everytime I get the urge, I keep trying to work on acceptance. But it's so difficult. With him believing betrayal took place, reality has been turned around 180 degrees. He may have well said, I know you are a murderer and it be as realistic. I feel like I'm living in a psychological horror story.

LaTeeDa, I bawled when I read this.

It is so true. I feel so utterly helpless. When I'm told up is down, and black is white, I feel so helpless. The actions are all so extreme. It does feel like going a little bit crazy inside my head. It just hurts so much.