Need Support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
I've written this first sentence over half a dozen times trying to put the words in the right way. I'm feeling a fear of being reprimanded as only a good codie can.
There has been communication that totally took me by surprise. Shock is the only word that describes my initial feelings. I still am struggling to find a place to put it.
In light of everything, the shock, the experience of the past few weeks, the investment in the relationship of the past 3 years, the love still shared, I made a decision to travel this weekend and spend time face-to-face. As I've written of here, I have never stopped loving him, despite the pain I have gone through.
One thing I know is that I have grown in the past few weeks -- a lot. I know much better what I need and want, what I will and won't do for love, I have an understanding of the history, and know more how to stand up for myself than ever before. I also know that I can't walk away from the love that was shared between what both of us feel is the most authentic and real we have felt for another person.
Are there some major obstacles? For sure. I don't have any predictable outcomes for the weekend. I do know there is no turning back the clock, and regardless, we will not be returning to things as before. I have my work to do -- and I am not sacrificing that now. He has his to do. And that will likely be done separately for some time no matter what happens.
Can we find a way to heal and trust? I do not know. I have hope, very deep and genuine love, but also eyes far more open and realistic. I'd also be lying if I didn't say I wasn't major scared too. I certaintly don't want to set myself up for yet more pain. But I am choosing to take this risk. Somehow, regardless of what happens, I believe I've been through the worst. Day by day.
gf
There has been communication that totally took me by surprise. Shock is the only word that describes my initial feelings. I still am struggling to find a place to put it.
In light of everything, the shock, the experience of the past few weeks, the investment in the relationship of the past 3 years, the love still shared, I made a decision to travel this weekend and spend time face-to-face. As I've written of here, I have never stopped loving him, despite the pain I have gone through.
One thing I know is that I have grown in the past few weeks -- a lot. I know much better what I need and want, what I will and won't do for love, I have an understanding of the history, and know more how to stand up for myself than ever before. I also know that I can't walk away from the love that was shared between what both of us feel is the most authentic and real we have felt for another person.
Are there some major obstacles? For sure. I don't have any predictable outcomes for the weekend. I do know there is no turning back the clock, and regardless, we will not be returning to things as before. I have my work to do -- and I am not sacrificing that now. He has his to do. And that will likely be done separately for some time no matter what happens.
Can we find a way to heal and trust? I do not know. I have hope, very deep and genuine love, but also eyes far more open and realistic. I'd also be lying if I didn't say I wasn't major scared too. I certaintly don't want to set myself up for yet more pain. But I am choosing to take this risk. Somehow, regardless of what happens, I believe I've been through the worst. Day by day.
gf
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I can only wish you the best GF and hope that you keep the focus on you and your recovery.
I admit that I'm a little surprised. But this is something you obviously feel you have to do - and because I've been there in my own way, I guess I can understand.
I truly wish you well GF.
I admit that I'm a little surprised. But this is something you obviously feel you have to do - and because I've been there in my own way, I guess I can understand.
I truly wish you well GF.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
If you feel strong enough and confident enough to handle whatever happens with this, good or bad, then I say go for it. That is the point in recovery I think we are all shooting for. Being comfortable enough with ourselves to know that I will be okay no matter what happens.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
No reprimand here, GF. I agreed with LTD, if you think you'll be ok (as far as you can know such a thing, of course) then it's all part of your recovery. Look at this way maybe - it's something you feel strongly about and are making a decision based on your own needs - that's real growth, no matter what happens.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Your a brave kinda gal hon.
Going in knowing to have no expectations and being strong enough to handle ANY outcome is what is important. Make sure this is for you and that you are ready.
Best wishes to you hon!
Going in knowing to have no expectations and being strong enough to handle ANY outcome is what is important. Make sure this is for you and that you are ready.
Best wishes to you hon!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
No reprimand from me GF...I have been where you are
proposing to go....
I am just a bit surprised but heck nothing about this disease
really does shock me anymore. Good luck, hope all that you
are looking for is achieved.
proposing to go....
I am just a bit surprised but heck nothing about this disease
really does shock me anymore. Good luck, hope all that you
are looking for is achieved.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Being comfortable enough with ourselves to know that I will be okay no matter what happens.
I'll 'see' you after the weekend.
peace
gf
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Hello all....I am back from my weekend and returned right away to a crazy busy work schedule so it's been hard to find the time to catch up. The truth is, I'm challenged to condense what went on during our time.
It was very full, with a lot of emotion, a lot of intensity, a lot of clearing -- and what I wasn't prepared for, a lot of love. In short, we spent 4 days talking and sharing in ways we haven't before.
For me, the experience of the last month has given me an awareness and strength I did not have before this to open up and speak my own truth and experience in a way I have checked myself from doing before. I was able to talk without second-guessing myself, speak with confidence and calmness, assert who I was -- and also tell my story from start to finish without all the eggshell walking of the past. I also shared a lot of the pain I have been through -- along with the very real love I still feel, in a way that was far more open and less guarded.
For K, I learned that he spent the last month in as much pain as me about the loss of the relationship. Regardless of what his senses were mistakenly telling him, he knew too that all that he loved was genuine and real. He gradually began to question his beliefs, what his senses were piecing together, checking with others for other possibilities, preparing him to see beyond the hurts of his past and its overlay on the present.
Our two experiences combined have brought us to a new place. There is more trust, more closeness, more belief in one another, a far more realistic understanding of who each other is. K now believes he was wrong. He now believes I have been innocent from the outset. And there is a unity inside him as result which has broken down some strong walls and barriers that have been there since the outset and that I have been responding to from a place of my own fear and insecurity.
We visited a toy store during the visit. We fed our inner children. Bought things for us. I instantly knew what I wanted when I saw this incredibly fascinating marble maze contraption to build (I missed out on building toys as the youngest of 3 girls!) K picked out a kite which we took to a park (but, alas, no wind!). We played. We swam. We began a real healing.
I suppose the bottom line is this. At the risk of sounding all sentimental, we really do have enormous love for one another and see in one another a blend of incredibly special qualities that we don't want to walk away from. And as strange as it may seem given recent events, I truly do feel deeply loved, appreciated, and more seen for who I am than I ever have. There is a quality to our connection that neither of us have felt with any other person. It's pretty signficant. And the rewards when we're together without all this other stuff in the way are very meaningful.
Neither of us is naive enough to believe that overnight all fears will disappear. That said, a signficant barrier was broken through during this trip. K is seeing his experience as his fears from the past, and that I am not to blame or responsible for them. And so am I, and that is new for me. And our challenge going forward is developing the tools to deal with this, alone and together, so we do not revert to old patterns.
Today I met with my therapist and I was surprised at the very positive response she had as I recounted all of this. She knows both of us -- and truly endorsed what has happened. She reinforced the signficant work and growth I've had in the past 2 years leading up to this. (She's been my closest observer!) And she characterized what we have been through in the past month as a healing crisis.
When I spoke of my second-guessing of the weekend after returning, even wondering if this is coming from a place of 'love addiction', she calmly said, "No, this is meat and potatoes." She's always asserted that our two 'inner children' are what made a deep soul connection, but our adults hadn't really worked out how to be in relationship. She now believes we have really come through something significant and have a real chance.
I believe this is so now. Of course, there are no guarantees, no 100% assurances. But I have to trust myself, my heart, my head, my growing strength and wisdom, and am prepared to go forward.
Bottom line -- I'm pretty happy. Emotionally drained. But happy. I've returned home and embraced my work, continuing to make good decisions for me, and feeling a sense of self that is new. And feeling I have a genuine chance at a relationship, and a dream, that I was heartbroken to give up.
onward, upward...as the world turns.
p.s. I can't find enough words for the gratitude I feel for all of you and your support during this time of upheaval. I hope I can offer a fraction back to others.
gf
It was very full, with a lot of emotion, a lot of intensity, a lot of clearing -- and what I wasn't prepared for, a lot of love. In short, we spent 4 days talking and sharing in ways we haven't before.
For me, the experience of the last month has given me an awareness and strength I did not have before this to open up and speak my own truth and experience in a way I have checked myself from doing before. I was able to talk without second-guessing myself, speak with confidence and calmness, assert who I was -- and also tell my story from start to finish without all the eggshell walking of the past. I also shared a lot of the pain I have been through -- along with the very real love I still feel, in a way that was far more open and less guarded.
For K, I learned that he spent the last month in as much pain as me about the loss of the relationship. Regardless of what his senses were mistakenly telling him, he knew too that all that he loved was genuine and real. He gradually began to question his beliefs, what his senses were piecing together, checking with others for other possibilities, preparing him to see beyond the hurts of his past and its overlay on the present.
Our two experiences combined have brought us to a new place. There is more trust, more closeness, more belief in one another, a far more realistic understanding of who each other is. K now believes he was wrong. He now believes I have been innocent from the outset. And there is a unity inside him as result which has broken down some strong walls and barriers that have been there since the outset and that I have been responding to from a place of my own fear and insecurity.
We visited a toy store during the visit. We fed our inner children. Bought things for us. I instantly knew what I wanted when I saw this incredibly fascinating marble maze contraption to build (I missed out on building toys as the youngest of 3 girls!) K picked out a kite which we took to a park (but, alas, no wind!). We played. We swam. We began a real healing.
I suppose the bottom line is this. At the risk of sounding all sentimental, we really do have enormous love for one another and see in one another a blend of incredibly special qualities that we don't want to walk away from. And as strange as it may seem given recent events, I truly do feel deeply loved, appreciated, and more seen for who I am than I ever have. There is a quality to our connection that neither of us have felt with any other person. It's pretty signficant. And the rewards when we're together without all this other stuff in the way are very meaningful.
Neither of us is naive enough to believe that overnight all fears will disappear. That said, a signficant barrier was broken through during this trip. K is seeing his experience as his fears from the past, and that I am not to blame or responsible for them. And so am I, and that is new for me. And our challenge going forward is developing the tools to deal with this, alone and together, so we do not revert to old patterns.
Today I met with my therapist and I was surprised at the very positive response she had as I recounted all of this. She knows both of us -- and truly endorsed what has happened. She reinforced the signficant work and growth I've had in the past 2 years leading up to this. (She's been my closest observer!) And she characterized what we have been through in the past month as a healing crisis.
When I spoke of my second-guessing of the weekend after returning, even wondering if this is coming from a place of 'love addiction', she calmly said, "No, this is meat and potatoes." She's always asserted that our two 'inner children' are what made a deep soul connection, but our adults hadn't really worked out how to be in relationship. She now believes we have really come through something significant and have a real chance.
I believe this is so now. Of course, there are no guarantees, no 100% assurances. But I have to trust myself, my heart, my head, my growing strength and wisdom, and am prepared to go forward.
Bottom line -- I'm pretty happy. Emotionally drained. But happy. I've returned home and embraced my work, continuing to make good decisions for me, and feeling a sense of self that is new. And feeling I have a genuine chance at a relationship, and a dream, that I was heartbroken to give up.
onward, upward...as the world turns.
p.s. I can't find enough words for the gratitude I feel for all of you and your support during this time of upheaval. I hope I can offer a fraction back to others.
gf
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
GF--
I was thinking about you earlier today and wondering how the trip went. It all sounds good and you sound really grounded in reality. You followed your gut and it was a positive outcome. Good going.
L
I was thinking about you earlier today and wondering how the trip went. It all sounds good and you sound really grounded in reality. You followed your gut and it was a positive outcome. Good going.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
LTD, Reiki, Mike, Pick -- thanks for your support. It means so very much. I know I've struggled with my own feelings of how others will view what I have been through and my choices -- and watching my codie tendencies in this way.
I realize it is difficult to understand the changes of the past week when only a short time ago I was in intense pain. I realize many will be skeptical or have suspicions. And I accept it's probably more difficult here virtually than in 'real life' where people get to see a fuller picture and observe close up. The rallying of those around me -- especially my children who actually are looking forward to my partner back in my life because of their genuine fondness for him -- has been really gratifying.
To all, I am not taking a U-turn. I am going directly forward into a far better, contented, confident, and more balanced place.
And I'm happy (damnit! lol). The changes in both of us are, well, pretty remarkable. As my therapist said, we've been through a healing crisis and with love, awareness, responsibility, acceptance and commitment can now go forward with real gratitude.
On another note, I have been very time-challenged the past week with work and travel and have had little time to read and post. In another week things should calm down and I hope to get out beyond my own stuff and updates and return to posting as a true member of the community!
thanks again,
gf
I realize it is difficult to understand the changes of the past week when only a short time ago I was in intense pain. I realize many will be skeptical or have suspicions. And I accept it's probably more difficult here virtually than in 'real life' where people get to see a fuller picture and observe close up. The rallying of those around me -- especially my children who actually are looking forward to my partner back in my life because of their genuine fondness for him -- has been really gratifying.
To all, I am not taking a U-turn. I am going directly forward into a far better, contented, confident, and more balanced place.
And I'm happy (damnit! lol). The changes in both of us are, well, pretty remarkable. As my therapist said, we've been through a healing crisis and with love, awareness, responsibility, acceptance and commitment can now go forward with real gratitude.
On another note, I have been very time-challenged the past week with work and travel and have had little time to read and post. In another week things should calm down and I hope to get out beyond my own stuff and updates and return to posting as a true member of the community!
thanks again,
gf
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