Janitw

Dear Recovery - ((((((HUGS)))))) I ditto all that has been said already and hun I feel soooooo bad for you right now... Only time can heal you at this point, and it will trust me.

Janet

Minx1969

(((Recovery))))

I am so sorry for your loss...this disease really sucks, ya know..( I lost my brother at 34 due to his addictions)...

Please get some help for you...counselling...Alanon has also helped me heal from other relationships in my life...

Please don't blame yourself...

Pick-a-name

((((recovery? )))) I don't think that there is anything more I can say that has not already been said above (please try to believe that it is true, because it is.......). Just wanted to let you know that I am also thinking of you and will keep you in my prayers. I am so very sorry that this has happened.

I am glad you are here and hope you keep coming back.

mallowcup

You need to remember that these are physically addicting and mind altering drugs. They create a real physical dependence. I don't think he knew what he was doing. Don't feel bad for not knowing this was going on. He hid it from you. You were a joy to his life. YOU were the good part. Sometimes addicts hang on tightly to STABLE people because in their mind it is evidence that theri lives are not dictated by alcohol and drugs. They compare their lives with others thinking....I have a home and a job and a relationship so I'm not as bad as that guy. Fentanyl? This is not a drug that adcits can use in safe moderation. As an RN, I can tell you it is one of the most closely monitored drugs because such small does are calculated. This was probably just one more time for him. He could use and wake up next to you. Remember this, he wasn't clean, he was PRETENDING he was clean and pulling it off. You are devastated becasue this is certainly a devastating thing. I don't think this is something a person would or should get over quickly. Life will go on but I think it is important for you to talk to a councelor. You may even have a post tramatic stress. I have faced many many medical situations where I was in some kind of mode to perform and then later fallen completely apart. Sometimes that doesn't happen for months. Don't fel bad for not seeing this either. My ex was using cocaine almost every day and I didn't see it. I was never around people who did cocaine so a short straw or rolled up dollar bill meant nothing to me. This was horrible and theres no way to make it unhorrible. There is a way to put it in a place where you can deal with this. Sometimes we have to go on without all the answers and it takes longer. I didn't talk about many things until a year or so after I divorced my first husband, I couldn't even think about it. Talk here and talk to your friends. I think just writing it all down helps. It's a story to be told and then you can close the book and put it away.

notsleepingwell

((((recovery? ))))

I'm soooo sorry honey. Please don't feel you were in any way responsible. I'm also in the health care field and my daughter is the addict in my life. The past year she has been injecting, and I would stay in the same apt with her, sometimes for up to 1 week, and never saw a thing, other than weight loss, which she attributed to endometriosis, and I accepted that explanation. I think, this lifestyle is so alien to us, we just don't recognize the signs.
Please know, you are in my thoughts and prayers!!!
Reaching across cyber space to wrap you in a hug

sadface

Recovery, I am so sorry to hear what happened. I just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you. As to the response you received, you can see there are people here who really care. Take care.

blizzard77

I'm crying so hard I'm finding it hard to see what I'm writing. My heart aches for you. I have lost a husband to another terrible disease (cancer) 8 yrs ago today. He was only 25yrs old. I've felt that unbearable pain and like the others I highly recommend some sort of counselling.
It wasn't your fault and it wasn't his either. He had a disease that he was struggling with and like that ******* cancer..his disease won. It sounds like he tried so hard to fight it, so for that feel proud of him.
We'll never know the answer to our question why? Do not blame yourself for this please. Keep reaching out to those who care and believe me we all care very much.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know these are words you've heard and will hear over and over again and like me you may be saying...Nonone knows how bad I'm hurting...but we do especially those of us who have been through a loss so devastating.
Take care of you, please. Call a friend, seek grief counseling, attend alanon meetings, keep posting here and trust that God is right by your side and with him next to you, you're NEVER alone.
HUGS and Prayers are being sent to you from people here. He is in the arms of God now. His pain is gone. Your pain is unbearable but it will get better with time, faith, hope and a lot of love and support from those who love you. You will find love, support and understanding here.
Michelle

happyagain

(((((recovery?))))) i am sooooo sorry that this has happened to you. although i can't imagine the pain of your loss i do understand the frustration and guilt that you feel. I am very well acquainted with those feelings and the torment that they cause....recovery with the help of everyone here at sr and a therapist i am slowly learning that what best said really is true.....we can't control the one we loves addictions, actions, or the fall-out.....the only thing we have control over is our own healing.....please find a support group...a grief counselor...a therapist....something....keep posting here.....let it ALL out don't bottle it up.....and slowly you'll find a measure of piece.


hugs and prayers
rachel

robina

I am very sorry for your loss. You are grieving right now, and you need some help to get through it. I get the sense you blame yourself somehow. Hopefully, in time, you will understand that it was not your fault.

Please keep coming back here - the people here will offer their wisdom and kindness and a shoulder to cry on.

God bless

Cindi R

I'm so sorry for the pain that you must be going through...
Very good suggestions above...
It was in no way your fault.
Probably an accidental overdose...
Very, very sad...
I'm also sorry that your original post was not what you expected...
this is a wonderful, caring supportive place especially for family & friends of those touched by the lives of addicts & alcoholics...
Keep comming back!

blizzard77

blizzard77

(((((((Recovery)))))))
I am so very sorry for your loss and the unbearable pain that you are facing every minute of every day. I was married to a man who died of another horrible disease, cancer and the your BF who fought as hard as he could he too lost his life to his disease. It was eight yrs yesterday. Infact I was gong to post a reply yesterday but I was grieving over the loss of him and was not in the right frame of mind to offer any help or advice.
I agree with the others, I would seek out some sort of professional help. Someone who is familiar with addiction that can help you in your grieving process. Because it is an on going process and there is no need to go it

blizzard77

Keep posting here these people from all different parts of the world and all different walks of life do care and will always be a source of comfort and hope to you. I'm new to posting and they have been very caring and helpful to me through my current situation.
The one thing I urge you to do is not blame yourself for what happened. Try to separate your BF from the disease and in doing so you may realize as most have said in prior posts that he idn't know what he ws doing and it wasn't intentional on his part. He had a DISEASE just like cancer or anyother disease, some of those who fight the fight loose the battle for reasons uknown to us. It sounds like he fought a good fight and went down fighting, be proud of him for that as I'm already sure you are.
Remeber too, that you are never alone. Even in your darkest moments of grief and saddness, God is holding you in the palm of his hands. He's always with you and therefore even when you feel alone stop for a moment and remember that he is with you and will help you get though this.
Take care of yourself. I know this is hard to do right now but even if it's something as little as a bubble bath do it. It may not change how you feel but it's a step in the right direction. Above all STOP blaming yourself...Keep posting here, reach out to friends and family, attend an alanon meeting and always know you are not alone. Sorry, I haven't yet figured out how to post replies correctly.

blizzard77

I guess what i attempted to post yesterday, the decided not to went through as well. I'm computer ilierate.

wraybear

First of all, I am so very sorry. I think most of us wonder when that day will happen to us, if it hasn't already.

It is addiction that kills, not what you said or didn't say or did or didn't do, it is the addiction.

I too have traveled, and that has always been one of my AH's triggers. And, he has fallen off the wagon every single time I have traveled. But, I can't and shouldn't put my life/career on hold because of his addiction. And, we have had arguments when he was drunk and arguments when he wasn't - what you said/didn't say has nothing to do with him drinking.

I know of about 5 people that have died in the past five years due to alcohol addiction - one suicide and one possible suicide. These are not friends of friends, these were people that I knew. 37 years old was the youngest to 60 ish. Alcohol addiction kills people every day. It has nothing to do with you.

If it is any comfort at all, please know this is what happens to addicts - whether he committed suicide or not, it is NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

And, yes I believe he was sincere in wanting things to work in your relationship, but this is all part of his addiction. Until they actively work the AA program, work the steps, the odds are not good that they will make it.

Remember, it is addiction that kills, not what you said or didn't say or did or didn't do, it is the addiction.

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.

cwohio

thanks wray - good post!

Doppelganger

((( Recovery )))

Your post has made me recall all the promises and declarations that Rasputin made that he didn't follow through on. He too was absolutely convincing, and I believe that is because he was convinced himself. I think that he meant it when he said it. I joined this site when it was very new. I remember thinking once about all my new friends here that were struggling along with me and thinking that one of us was going to lose our loved one to his substance sooner of later, just going by statistics. I was ready for it to be me. Rasputin just would not learn and he put himself in peril repeatedly. Probably many more times than I know. His comeback has been slow, and back and forth, and he has survived in spite of the risks he took, but it could easily have gone the other way. And I am going to say to you what I would have needed someone to say to me if he had died.

He wanted to recover, for himself and for your relationship. His efforts and promises were never a lie- they were a part of trying to make it so. His battle was huge, against enemies you may never be able to identify or count, but you were not among them. You were, and were known by him to be an ally. He loved you. That was real too.

I only had to live through losing Rasputin in my nightmares and I do not pretend to know how you feel. I am very, very sorry for your loss and pray that where there was beauty in your relationship, the memories will linger.

Hugging you in my heart,
Dop

cwohio

thank you for that wonderful post dop!

recovery?

I just want to thank everyone so much for your thoughts and feelings on what has happened. I am still very much angry with the situation. I am now completing my fifth month of mourning.. and I truly feel I am mourning the loss of my loved one and the loss of myself. I have completely died inside. All I can remember are all the promises and all our dreams.. now all washed away.

I hate blaming myself. I hate feeling the way I do. I hate wondering what happened those moments before this horrible nightmare began. Its a recurring nightmare I have on a daily basis...him laying on the bathroom floor....all alone....suddenly cannot breathe...and then dead...just like that.

I have the medical examiners report....they say it was an accident... Fentanyl Intoxication. I just cannot understand how a man who has used cocaine for 20 years could mistake what he was taking and not know? How is it possible that there are such evil people in this world that could play such a terrible joke at the expense of someone's life and family? How?

BUT he made the choice to not think about me. I am angry.. I have tried to forgive him. I tell him everyday that I have..but I feel sometimes I have not let it go from my heart. I am angry with the police for publicizing that it was available on the street..this deadly drug.. I am angry that I didnt watch the news the six months it was running on different news stations while I was busting my butt working to save other peoples' lives.... angry that I just didnt know that it could happen to me...? I never realized the seriousness of his illness.. and to that I am very disappointed with myself for not believing it truly is a disease. Most of all...I am angry that the police just told me I should have known better than to believe his recovery was possible....that I did what I could to keep a drug addict off the street.. gave him a cozy home.. a warm bed to sleep in and expensive clothes to wear!?!? Who would say such things about a person they do not know? After all the research I have done these last five months.. I can honestly say he was a functioning addict.. perhaps a poorly functioning one.. but he was able to make his own ends meet and did extremely well without my financial help...its just that I thought he changed. I thought he had it in him to change...I SAW a change. What the hell was it all?

I remember the day I begged him to stop; the day he said he would go to rehabilitation for himself and me.. he told me with tears in his eyes.. that he never thought he would see it past the age of 35. He told me that I made him want to live again.. and want to have a life.. have a family.. have something to believe in again.. and I believed him. I believed he could do it. He died at the age of 35. How ironic. I wonder if maybe he knew? I wonder if maybe this was God's way of maybe allowing him the peace and dignity to know that he had loved and was loved before taking him away from me.

It all just hurts. I get a lump in my throat thinking about it all. I still do not know how to take the steps to fix myself. He is at peace with God but has left me in chaos. That is what my life is today. No better today...five months later... than it was the day he died. All I have are the memories.. as all of you have mentioned. I can go to meetings.. I can sit and pour my heart out to all of you and allow me to feel better for a moment.. but then the next morning I still wake up feeling empty inside???

I would like to see some justice out there. I would like to see this crap taken off the street.. Its tough enough that illegal drugs are already available.. but to now make it even more elicit and deadly by cutting it with a restricted drug such as Fentanyl????? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!! How the hell did it get out there for distribution in the first place????? People who are debilitated with this horrific addiction have absolutely no chance in hell of surviving after using this combination.

I pray.. if there is anything anyone can hear from my crying words.. please.. I am begging you..tell your loved ones who are stricken with their addictions that this drug is potent.. its out there.. hiding .. and no one will know they are using it. It is potent in small amounts.. they will be left for dead. Period.

Angry still.. but trying to see the light. Thank you again for listening to me. I never imagined such support. I now wish I didnt stop posting just because of that one discouraging moment months and months ago..before this tragedy. Maybe someone would have told me about this terrible drug then....?

CBPete

If there is one thing I have learnt through my own marriage to a severe alcoholic and the death of my brother through alocoholism (He ended up dying through a paracetamol overdose) is that it is NOT MY FAULT.

As terribly painful as this is my lovely, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I know, have lived through and am living through the daily grind of "what if I had said or not said this or that" or "what if I had done or not done this or that".

In the end, it is like witnessing somebody getting knocked down by a car and asking yourself "if I had looked or seen them, would it have happened ?"

You are grieving for a lost loved one and a lost life together. That is normal, understandable and a process you must go through. I know that perhaps the worst part is accepting that they apparently "did not love you enough". You are not alone there girl !!

However, you MUST move on. Would he or any one else want you to let your life be destroyed by this ?? Would he have wanted HIS addicition to ruin YOU ?? I very much doubt that and I am sure you do too.

It may hep to get some counselling to help with this. I call it "Spin Dryer Syndrome".

Sometimes lifes indinvidual issues end up in one inseperable mass, just like the clothes in a spin dryer. When this happens, life grinds to a halt and you can't move forward. Getting help to seperate the clothes is a good thing, NOT a bad one.

I do hope this has helped a little.

Be brave, be strong and BE HAPPY

Good Luck.

Pete: