ilovebdj

And I'm sorry. I've been lurking and trying to keep up with everyone. I think of everyone here. I've been having hard times.

The long and short...my A went on another drinking binge and went to rehab for a record three days. Not really interested or caring about anything anymore. I've been trying to be numb to it all really.

Found out that my boss, who I really look up to, has started drinking again. He's been in recovery for 12 years now. He was diagnosed with cancer and has just finished treatment (he's a doctor himself.) I'm really upset as he completely turned himself around years ago and remained sober for so long....and he was instrumental in helping my A with his program in the beginning. This is just my reminder that it is called "recovering" alcoholic for a reason....because every day might be a struggle that I'm not familar with, even if they do have twelve years under their belt.

Can't eat, can't sleep. Lost 15 lbs. I guess that's a good side effect
:-)

I friggin miss my dog still. I know that FD would understand, with her puppies...and I know she hasn't been around either. I'm thinking of you FD!

Sorry, this is just a vent.....or a Debbie Downer**.

**Saturday Night Live skit, always sees the worst in things....

Thanks for the ear, guys....

xoxoxo

Janitw

Cindy - Hang in there girl....remember the 3 C's.. it's not your fault and you can't do it for him. I would have loved to have helped my AH and would have gone through rehab for him if I could have. He would never go not for us and not for himself. And now he's gone. He left us a year ago and has no remorse at all. After 22 years of loving him he hasn't even as much as called me or his children. He just checked out... Stay detached because this is the only way you will be able to stay grounded mentally ok. (((hugs))))

Janet

minnie

Hon, that was the most detrimental thing I did when I was involved with an alcoholic. I stuffed those feelings down so deep that I couldn't feel anything any more. My reactions got all out of whack because I didn't know what was acceptable or not because I wasn't listening to what my mind and body were telling me.

What support are you getting through this tough time? Counselling? Al-anon?

ICU

Hey Cindy,

Numb? Can't sleep? Can't eat? Yeah, I've been there too. When I feel that way, especially when I'm numb, that's when I know I've let it get to me for way too long. It's a signal to me that I'm falling, and fast.

That's the time I FORCE myself to get my butt to counseling, write in a journal, and reach out to people, like you have here.

It's also a time when I clean my apt. from floor to ceiling, take naps during the day, bubble baths, anything I can think of to begin to get myself back on track again. It's a slow process at times, but that's ok! The key is 'progress'.

I know you miss your dog. I think sometimes we miss them the most when the rest of our world is turned upside down.

Keep reaching out...keep trying!!

ilovebdj

Thanks everyone. When I say numb, I guess I am putting the feelings away. The detachment thing is no problem, I just have cut off all contact so there really isn't a detachment thing because he's not in my life anymore. It just stinks that it's come to this, and I keep wondering every day when are these feelings going to go away.

My apartment is already spotless, ICU, thanks! I did the blinds and washed the windows....gotta say I've never seen so much dust in my life. So funny that you mentioned that, because that's exactly the kind of stuff I've been doing.

I've been trying to surround myself w/ friends, but as soon as they leave I cry my eyes out. I can't stand to be alone but then on the flip side I feel like if I keep surrounding myself w/ people I'm not going to allow myself to grieve the end of this relationship, if that makes any sense.

Yes, I def. need to get to some counseling, I know it will do me good, but I just can't get up the energy. I'll put it on my to-do list, and really try to make a go of it.

Thanks for all the responses. I am happy that I am not in this alone. xo

cwohio

makes perfect sense - i have had those same feelings - i just need to find a balance. sometimes being by myself and just "feeling" is a good thing (and i don't mean cleaning everything in sight). just sitting quietly and feeling whatever it is - sadness, anger, whatever.

other times i know i need to connect with people to get out of my head sometimes.

hang in there sweetie and you can come clean my windows and blinds if you like!

Jazzman

Wow, BTDT, guess the cleaning things been suggested... I painted a bug hunk of my house, that was just an extention of the cleaning fit really, but still it helped a bunch. And I know exactly where you head is at. It will pass, keep posting and try not to isolate too much. I can't tell you how much counseling helped me as well

megamysterioso

((((Cindy))))--- bigs hugs from me and I'm glad you checked in. Please do put counseling on your to do list. I'm sure it will really help you sort through your feelings. I understand about missing your dog still sweetie. Pets are members of the family and it is a devastating loss.

As for the news of your boss- it sucks. Recovery is a lifelong process and the threat of relapse is looming always. I hope he finds his way again and I hope your x finds his too. Please focus on saving yourself right now and try not to worry so much about things in which you have no control. Be your own best friend and I hope you find peace soon.

denny57

(((cindy)))

i hope you decide to get some counseling, too. when i was as low as you seem to be right now, it made such a difference

take care of yourself

ilovebdj

Hey, I'm down but I'm not that depressed.....Sheesh.... lol

cwohio

:kidding: just had to try ilovebdj, ya know?

seriously - the suggestion about counseling is a good one. sometimes it helps to have an outside source walk us thru some of our feelings - it helps me immensely!

Missy

Have you been going to Al-anon? That would surely help and a lot cheaper...connect with people there, people who care and understand.
just a thought.

karen xo