robina

Yes, that drug is deadly, and plain old alcohol is deadly. Whatever poision an addict chooses can be deadly. Our addicted loved ones cheat death every day, but sometimes they tragically die. The disease is so powerful, we cannot control it. That's the terrible realization we come to eventually.

It's probably a good thing that you are so angry at the drug right now, though. It's part of your grieving process... Someday, as your healing progresses, you will be able to see things a bit differently. Al-anon meetings will give you a gentle, loving program to help your healing. I believe that Al-anon can actually work miracles in the lives of people who have been damaged by the addiction of loved ones.

God bless and keep coming back here. You will find support from the wise and kind hearted people who have a lot of experience with the pain that addiction brings.

Love, Robina

DesertEyes

Hey there recovery,

I don't have any magical words of wisdom for you. I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling. I am praying for you every day, and for your boyfriend as well. As you see there's a lot of kind, compassionate people here, and we are all willing to listen to anything you want to say. Please go ahead and post all you want, that's what we're here for.

((((( hugs )))))

Mike

BigSis

Hon, the police are wrong - there is nothing you could do that would have made him not use. If there was, this board would not be here.... we'd be doing it.

Addiction sucks... and it sucks all the good out of people, and the shell that is left is that nasty part that lives for the drug, not for life.

My kid, when using, was unrecognizable to me. She was uncaring, unkind and self centered and self involved to a degree I did not believe possible. When she got sober, it was like watching a butterfly appear from a cocoon....

It is my belief your loved ones death was another way to open that cocoon and release the beautiful person within. I think he hears you when you tell him how hard you tried, and he knows how much you hurt.

I had to feel the anger, the rage, the unfairness of losing a loved one in order to move on to acceptance of her death. Looking back, I can see it was like watching a wound heal - slowly and with lots of time. You are in the pit of it now, but I can promise that brighter days do come along... Please accept my loving prayers for peace and comfort. ((((Recovery))))

megamysterioso

(((recovery?))) There are really not enough hugs I can give you to take away your pain, but I wish I could. It is truly not your fault and yes, ADDICTION is deadly. A drug dealer will "cut" drugs with just about anything to make money. Cocaine is often refered to as "the Russian-roulette drug" b/c it can be cut with just about anything and in any ratio. I myself used cocaine on a regular basis years ago and I thank my lucky stars that I never got a "bad batch." A person can do this for years (like your husband) and it only takes ONE line sometimes to be fatal. When I think of the gamble I was taking each time I snorted a line, I feel ill. I've never had a death wish of any sort. I can tell you from my own experience though that while I was snorting lines--- I was not thinking about anything or anyone else. The only thing on my mind was snorting that line. I never considered any consequences. All I wanted was that immediate high.

I am so sorry for this tragic loss. I've lost two friends to cocaine addiction. One was found in a rocking chair in his mother's living room at age 26 and the other involved in a fatal car crash while high at age 25. I know it must be heart-wrenching for you and I hope you will go and see a grief counselor as soon as you can to help you work through this. It will take a lot of time, but please understand that it is NOT your fault. Addicts do not consider consequences when their DOC is staring them in the face. I know I never did.

sly_dolphin

Recovery - I am SOOOOOO very sorry for you lose. And I like you wish that there was a way to get the word out that DRUGS KILL!!! But like all the others have stated, the addict doesn't and won't hear this. All they hear is their own inner voice saying....'time for a fix again'. They don't see the pain they are causing their family and friends. My x husband was an addict and now I am married to a 'pot head'. I often wonder am I a 'drug magnent'...me, someone who is SO totally against drugs. Not only my husband, but my two sons as well.

Your bf's death was NOT your fault in anyway. We can NOT control what others do. We can only control what we do and what we say. I pray that you will find peace.

I am glad to see that you are in step 2....anger. Get mad, I don't blame you. Get as mad as you possibly can....but use that anger for good. I know you are thinking nothing good comes from somenes death. Well that is what society would like for you to think, but yes good can come from this. You will just have to pray for God to show you what that good can be.

And PLEASE don't let what the cops told you about your bf discourage you. As you said, they didn't know him. None of us know him, only you know him and only you can truly sit back and look around at his actions to know if he was truly trying to change his ways.

Hang in there........and keep venting!!!!

((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))) to you!!!!!!

jimhere

I would reiterate-please don't blame yourself for this tragedy. As an alcoholic who has been recovered, I can say that during the years of my active alcoholism, I was on a one way trip to the pits of degradation and I took everyone along with me who cared about me. At the end of my drinking, my family wouldn't let me in the house for Thanksgiving Day, and my wife of ten years had reached the end of her rope. She later told me that she couldn't stand watching me die. These events helped to smash a lie that I had been living in for years-"leave me the hell alone, I'm not hurting anyone but myself." When I realized that lie, the pain of realization pushed me into recovery. Some alcoholics will pursue an illusion to the bitter end. I nearly did myself. Maybe my tolerance for psychic pain isn't that great.

About four years ago, I underwent a period of loss & grief, that while I wouldn't want to go through it again anytime soon, has proved to be a great gift. It forced me to take responsibility for my life, my growth, and my happiness. During this period of about two years, I attended some Al-Anon meetings, and some of my great Al-Anon friends, both women and men walked with me through a very difficult time of my life.

You are in my prayers, and remember-stick close to this bunch. They'll walk with you as well through this time.
Jim

Little Missy

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

brdlvr

I am so sorry for your loss...

Brdlvr

paulmh

I feel for you. PLease take care of yourself.

recovery?

I was there. I tried to remember the 12 steps. I repeated to myself that I am not at fault and that I had no control over this.. but I couldnt help but cry. I am trying so hard not to be angry...but I told him I forgave him. But have I? or am I lying to myself and him?

Why can I not understand how to get through this.. one moment.. I feel ok.. and then suddenly I feel like I hit rock bottom and I panic. I read everyones' words of hope and prayers.. I just feel lost. I am searching for the light everyone still keeps saying is out there waiting for me.... when will this chaos in my life end?

I remind myself everyday what my father tells me: "I am my only problem and I am my only solution." I have to find a way through this.

Thanks for listening....

recovery?

denny57

recovery? what you're going through is very normal. have you given any thought to the suggestions of grief counseling?

((()))

michski

Sad sad story... my heart goes out to you.

deax

Of course... All normal feelings, recovery. Not to be redundant, but I really hope you'll seek some counseling or a therapist or a support group of some sort to help you through this time. You're not just dealing with the death of a loved one, you're dealing with guilt (earned or not), anger, anxiety... all stuff you could use some help with in gaining perspective and peace. It's not easy... I've been thinking about you a lot, and I will continue to keep you and your bf in my prayers.

megamysterioso

You will find your way through this sweetie, but it will take time. I absolutely agree with Denny that what you are feeling is completely normal and it is part of the process of healing. I hope that you can find a grief counselor soon and I will keep you in my prayers too.

Please think about this and use it as motivation:

HE WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO FEEL THIS WAY.

Minx1969

Hey there Recovery -

Be gentle with yourself..stop pushing yourself to forgive him...

I think for me, the weight lifted from my brother's suicide when I did a 9th step letter to my brother..read it to my sponsor then at his grave...Then I was able to forgive myself first and my brother second.

Finally seeing my part in all of it, I was able to let go of the past, the what could have beens...

5 months is not a really long amount of time to get through this...It took my some years to get over a few of my relationships in the past..There is no right amount of time to heal.

Please - see a therapist, go to a grief group...You don't have to do this without face to face help...

You know that those of us here in cyberland will always be here, but I couldn't have made it through any of my tragedies in my life without hugs and live support...

((((recovery?))))))

wraybear

hey, if you can't forgive yet, then don't. It will come. God has forgiven him, so eventually you will too. You may not be ready yet and that's okay. It will come. I hope you can find some peace today knowing that it is okay for you to be having all the feelings you're having. None of them are wrong. Feelings are feelings. This was a trauma - a horrible trauma. Don't expect so much from yourself. Embrace all those feelings knowing that they are part of the process, and eventually you will feel peace again and I hope and pray this will happen very very soon. Love.

Missy

Nothing to say other than I believe this is the very reason I am still with my AH. I am pretty convinced if I would leave he would overdose. I am also not sure how I would take it.
That is why I am working so hard on having my HP fight these battles for me and HE alone knows what is best for all of us and takes the guilt away.
Good Luck and bless you that you may regain your normality back and not take responsiblity for something you have no control over.
karen xo