If there is one thing I have learnt through my own marriage to a severe alcoholic and the death of my brother through alocoholism (He ended up dying through a paracetamol overdose) is that it is NOT MY FAULT.
As terribly painful as this is my lovely, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
I know, have lived through and am living through the daily grind of "what if I had said or not said this or that" or "what if I had done or not done this or that".
In the end, it is like witnessing somebody getting knocked down by a car and asking yourself "if I had looked or seen them, would it have happened ?"
You are grieving for a lost loved one and a lost life together. That is normal, understandable and a process you must go through. I know that perhaps the worst part is accepting that they apparently "did not love you enough". You are not alone there girl !!
However, you MUST move on. Would he or any one else want you to let your life be destroyed by this ?? Would he have wanted HIS addicition to ruin YOU ?? I very much doubt that and I am sure you do too.
It may hep to get some counselling to help with this. I call it "Spin Dryer Syndrome".
Sometimes lifes indinvidual issues end up in one inseperable mass, just like the clothes in a spin dryer. When this happens, life grinds to a halt and you can't move forward. Getting help to seperate the clothes is a good thing, NOT a bad one.
I do hope this has helped a little.
Be brave, be strong and BE HAPPY
Good Luck.
Pete: