mallowcup

He's home disappointed that there was no card game tonight. He has never hit me. I have never hit him, that's why the slap could be heard around the world last night. He is very soft spoken and humilated today. I have electricity vibing off me today. Oh, he knows he has never ever seen me strike another person, he knows what a rare catagory that outs him in. I've been on a slow boil and he's been pushing. pushing. pushing. He has actually gotten quite comfortable. I think I scared the crap out of him. He's acting scared of me today. Quiet. Overly polite. I'm a very nice person, so it's a bit like a little old church lady slapping the drunk right out of you. It hurt him emotionally, it shamed him to have someone like me slap him. I know it's making him crazy that he isn't working. I will work extra with is support and kindness. I don't have a job , I have a chosen career. I love my work. The best way to explain his demeanor today would be to imagine your grandmother slapping your face. He is so used to me being a constant unwavering source of love I think he realizes the degree of disrespect. Let's just say, I think he just found the line on a great big boundary. He got to really imagine life without me in it. It scared him.

deettah

My heart aches for you Mallowcup. You so many times have offered me good, sound, realistic advise. I urge you to listen to your instincts. Your story of today's events have rung out repetetively in every A relationship. I believe that it is thier way or either justifying their own actions of thier way of reassuring themselves. It is a game, either way our A's are forcing us to prove that we have done nothing wrong, by playing games with our heads, which is ludacris, disrespectful and down right low down dirty. You, as a Christian woman, deserve more. Sending prayers your way.

FormerDoormat

I'm sorry that you were unjustly accused. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. But the way I see it, something good actually happened as a result of his verbal assault on you--it prompted you to come to the decision that you need to start a nest egg so you don't have to stay in this nightmare relationship forever.

Action is always a better response to an alcoholic's insanity than reaction.

LaTeeDa

This really struck me. I lived in that state for about three years. He NEVER thought I would leave him. I would get angry and he would behave for a while, then it would start all over again. And each time it got worse. Yes, I even slapped him once. He threw that back in my face more times than I care to remember. Then, one day, staying with him became more painful that being without him. I did the thing he thought I would never do.

He said to me a couple of weeks ago "Some people need a really big wakeup call. I know I did." And then I was glad I did it. I put myself first, and the man I love came back from the deep dark hole he was living in. It took months to happen, but it did.

L

JessicaNAJ

Let it go. You're HP will handle it. You have already allowed yourself to get pulled into the insanity by shuffling through garbage. Don't do that to yourself anymore. The only person you need to prove anything to is yourself. You are a good person.

The hardest thing I've had to learn.....I'm not always going to figure everything out. I still work on that sometimes, but I'm much more sane.

Let it go. JMHO....for what it's worth.

megamysterioso

((Mallow))-- I too think it's smart for you to go ahead and put away your nest egg. A back up plan is always good to have. Life is truly way too short to spend it miserably. I think that in great relationships that each person brings something positive to the table and uplifts the other person in some way. In my relationship, that has really not been the case. Right now for you, that doesn't seem to be the case either. I'm sorry you're going through all this and feel that you deserve much better.

Jazzman

I had a big light bulb moment once when I realized that my relationship w/ M not only brought out the best in me, it also brought out the worst in me. Then I started really looking at what I thought was the best in me, and realized I gave it too much credit. I later came to realize all she really brought out was the codie in me.

LaTeeDa

I thought about this after I posted it last night and just wanted to make sure it didn't come off sounding as though I take credit for my husband's sobriety. At the point I kicked him out, I didn't think he would ever get sober. I did it for me and my children. I was done trying to shame him into doing the right thing. It was over for me. And that very well could have been how it turned out. I am grateful that it didn't happen that way, but I was completely prepared to let go for good. He decided to get sober once I got out of the way and handed his life back to him. He could have decided otherwise.

L

greenapplecider

((((mallowcup))))

So Confused

You have offered such amazing helpful advice to my posts as well. I am so sorry to hear your story. I too was married to a man who said things to me I would not have spoken to my worst enemy. I had so many questions about why or what had prompted it,. Sometimes there is no answer and if there is he will never admitt he is wrong. Something has happened where he has been called a liar or could not go to the wake for whatever reason inturn felt bad and had to have someone join his misery party. I know your reaction troubled you with the kind of person you are(Wonderful) You are human Trust in God, there is plan. Based on his comments you did not do anything. He was waiting for someone to go crazy with him. My ex to-be used to go crazy only verbally about things. Things that were not that big of a deal to me. Until you can get in his head you will never understand. I am sure you have tried and so have I. Finally after 6 years I decided I was better than that. i did not need to know anymore. There was no reality to his thought process. I still get hurt by things he says. But in the end I cannot control him or the how he thinks. The only thing I own is me. I know it is hard not to react and sometimes you will. Only you know in your heart what you do and if it is right. Sometimes that just has to be enough. I hope things are better soon. No matter what his reason for this outburst you felt the need to defend yourself. I did too often, I became very tired and walked away not coming home some times. Which inturn made me the bad guy. But ya know what he was never going to be wrong. By no means am I saying leave that was my choice. I decided to leave him in his world of right. Now I am not so scared to come home and the anxiety is not high. Life is always going to throw a curve ball. Remember this you do not have to catch it. In my prayers
SC

So Confused

I read your post of the aftermath. I am not saying it is goos feeling tha the is acting this way. But ine used to do the same. it almost gives you a shameful feeling of satifaction. Like you finally stood up for yourself. Trust me: his thought process is so clouded it is not wha it appears. Be cautious do not get rapped up in it. Stay positive and dont concentrate on the response of his emotion. I always felt like I had made my point but in the end he found something else to give a speech about. Which knocked me down even further then when it started. EVery day is a new day for you to be a better person for that is all you have control over. Stand strong and know that you to are human and everything happens for a reason. BEst wishes in my prayers
SC