GettingFree

I really have thought my relationship of the last 2-1/2 years was on pretty solid ground. Now I'm not so sure. We're in conflict about work/money/spending/budgeting expectations. And it doesn't take long for that to be about the biggies: trust, respect, value, etc. And there are also issues about my near-adult children who I have over-functioned for in over-compensating for my own f***ed up childhood. And I'm crying as I write this because I really thought this time I'd made a wise decision, was making choices out of a less codependent place, now I'm not so sure. I feel like a giant ball of reactivity. I don't want drama and crisis in my life. I don't want to feel this kind of intensity any more. I don't want to feel panic.

And yesterday felt like a good day.

gf

Cynay

(((((((HUGS)))))))

Deep breath hon.... step back and give yourself a moment to get hold of yourself.

Relationships are hard work, there has to be a ton of communication... You will be ok, stop second guessing yourself and accept what/who you are.

Im a push over with my daughter... Mr. R points this out all the time... but you know what? Im a softy, I know I love to spoil the people in my life that I love and I accept Im not the type of person to dish out disipline ...

Maybe you just have to accept you are who you are.... and they are who they are... neither is bad or good just different.

denny57

Breathe, GF!

Every problem can be worked out as long as communication is open. If you guys can't do it on your own, run to the nearest counselor.

If you can say this: I really have thought my relationship of the last 2-1/2 years was on pretty solid ground., then you can work it out!

Have a good cry if you have to, but don't see it as the end of the world.

((()))

DesertEyes

Hang in there GF. I dunno about you but if I were going thru as much stress as you are I'd be in way worse emotional shape. What helps me is to remember not to do any DUI's, and that's a Decision Under the Influence of emotion. One incident of stress in a relationship does not destroy two years of work. Get yourself to a meet, talk to real people on the phone, give yourself some time to "de presurize" and maybe tomorrow you can work thru this.

We all love ya here.

Mike

megamysterioso

(((GF)))--- please wipe away those tears and stop second-guessing yourself at least for a moment! As Cynay said, relationships are always tough. They require constant maintanence, a ton of patience, genuine understanding and mutual respect from both partners. It's never hunky-dory and I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed right now. As my friend told me on the phone the other night, "there are no bad decisions, just different choices." I thought for a moment that he might be affiliated with SR b/c he was making such sense!!! I base my choices on what we feel is best at the time and I'm sure most people operate that way. There is no way to know whether what we do will produce the desired outcome. We only label something as "bad" with hindsight. Don't be hard on yourself as I'm sure you're doing the best you can.

GettingFree

Thank you for being there all of you! It's good to reach out and be caught.

I know I'm catastrophizing. It's a familiar place, and I haven't been here for a awhile. I acted really stupid, and said some pretty stupid things about the relationship maybe not being able to work out at all, and then proceeded to make it all about him. It was definitely a low point.

I look at myself doing this and it just seems like manipulation. I feel like I'm reverting to tactics and attacking because I'm hurt and frustrated. I'm being pretty hard on myself right now. At the same time, I'm angry at things -- and the worst is, I get confused and sometimes think I'm entirely justified in my anger, and then totally turn it around.

Sometimes I wonder if we're just too wounded to have a healthy relationship. Can people who have been really wounded stop triggering one another and replaying old hurts? It sometimes seems an impossible task.

thank you again for replying so quickly
gf

DesertEyes

Heya GF,

That's what I do. That's why recovery gives us tools like sponsors and sponsees and meetings and inventories and so on. You are using those tools right now by sharing with us and getting your emotions out of you so you can think clearly again. Perhaps you might want to consider how you would have handled this situation 10 yrs ago, or 20. Put your recovery today in perspective and I think you'll see that you are doing much better.

My wife and I did. She was brutally tortured as a child by her deranged mother, and I had my share of hardship. We worked our programs and had a wonderful and loving marriage for some 15 years. Ours didn't last, but it wasn't for lack of trying.

Look around this forum, and in real life meets, and you will see all kinds of people living lives that are happy, joyous and free in spite of the most horrible challenges. So yes, we can all have healthy relationships, and part of those healthy relationships is the ocasional blowup. What makes it healthy is not the absence of blowups, it's the fact that you can overcome and grow as a result.

You just hang on GF, cuz all us people of recovery all over the world are hanging on to you.

Mike

GettingFree

Ahhh...it is important to be reminded of this. Thank you. It's also important to be reminded to see this in perpective of what would have/could have been 10 or 20 years ago.


Maybe it's time to try meetings again, dunno. It is true that despite a few good friends, there sometimes doesn't seem the same language or vocabularly to view things in as I do with my recovery tools. I gave the ACA group I went to almost 3 months, but there were things I was quite uncomfortable with -- and didn't feel a 'connection' with folks there.

I do have you guys - and am already feeling a far-faster recovery and ability to process.

Thanks mike -- a lot.

mallowcup

No decision has to be your last one. The situation changes, our choices change. The point is we always have choices. I think we become afraid of making choices. I also think we make tough choices as a way of determining our direction......so when we have chosen a direction and it starts to feel like the wrong one, we feel trapped. We are never trapped. We also don't have to go around explaining ourselves if we change our mind about something. If you could do anything you want, what would it be?

DesertEyes

Over here the ACoA meets have merged with Al-Anon, which works out real well. Another thougt is that if _you_ were uncomfortable with those ACA meets, then others were also. You just never met them cuz they also chose not to attend those meets. Which means that you could just start your _own_ ACA meet, or a special interest Al-Anon meet, and you could make it a closed womens' only if you are so inclined.

Around here that's how most meets get started. A few ladies have a potluck once a month and hold a meeting around it. A couple years later it goes to a weekly meet when it outgrows the home it was held in. Later on it gets bigger still and splits with half the folks going to a new location and opening it up to us guys

Lots of choices.



Mike

GettingFree

Mike -- Can you get a sponsor without doing the 12 steps? Can I get a sponsor using Charlotte Kasl's 16 steps?

And here's one you'll laugh at -- can you get a sponsor without going to meetings?!

GettingFree

Great question mallow.

I would continue working at this relationship in order for it to flourish in the way I have believed it can. But at times like tonight I question if that's possible.

We have some pretty big challenges right now. Mike is right -- that there are some signficant external stressors bearing down. And I need to remind myself of that.

And our approach to certain things is very different. We are trying to learn how to accomodate and honor those differences without enforcing our own ways. It's hard. Especially around this work/money issue. I tend to be far more process-oriented and button-down. He is far more visionary and less process. Our two meyers-briggs outcomes would be quite different in this way.

I don't know if I'd say it feels like the wrong direction -- but I feel scared I don't know what the right one is. If that makes any sense at all.

DesertEyes

* lol *

Yes and yes

A sponsor is someone who is a good friend in recovery, and who understands your flavor of BS enough to call you on it. In healthy families that role is filled by an aunt, or a grandma. Out here in Vegas there's a bunch of guys who are total atheists, yet attend AA meetings faithfuly. They sponsor each other in their own flavor of AA, and they're lots of fun to have around.

Long distance sponsorship is also common in the outlying homesteads. My two best friends live in a tiny burg in the back of beyond, population 200. They have _one_ meeting a week and all the alkies from _three_ states drive over. All 14 of 'em. And they only meet in the summer cuz in the winter the roads are closed. They both have sponsors a thousand miles away in California, whom they've never met in real life. I'm the only one who's met all of them, and I get to tell everybody what the rest of 'em look like. They call each other once a week or so on the phone, exchange email and have been doing just great.

So yes, you can modify a 12 step program any which way you like until it works for you just the way you want it. It's called "goldilocks" recovery, you just keep trying until you find what's "just right" for you

Mike

Minx1969

Hey GF -

As usual I'm late to the party..I second what everyone else already said..like Mike said - blow ups are normal..it's just the ability to get past it, get back on the horse and keep at it that will make or break a relationship.

My therapist just recommended this book to me. It's by John Gottman Phd.

It's called the "7 priniciples for making marriage work". It's a great book.

I know that with my injury and my work situation (or lack thereof) which kind of mirrors your situation that I spent so much time focusing on little stupid stuff in my relationship..I just made things worse because I was hurting physically and emotionally...

This is life..we aren't going to be able to escape bad times..and yes relationships are hard work..

I'm had some major melt downs in the past year..I'm lucky because my bf doens't take them personally (I'm always telling him it's about me not him and he believes it).

I guess what I'm trying to say is..give yourself a break..you are human..

As for the sponsor - you might want to use some of those coaching resources as well to work through some of the stuff..I have.

mfisher

GF... I am kind of going through the same thing. I have been in a good relationship for a year now and every now and then issues come up.

My kids are a big issue. They are 23, 21, and 19. They have been through some terrible things with there A father. My middle son has not responded well to my new relationship which I think T has taken personally. I try to explain the history, as I know my children don't want me to be hurt again.

T thinks I spoil my kids, and I do trying to make up for what has happened, I KNOW thats wrong, but that is who I am.

I too have asked myself over if I can really have a healthy relationship because of the damage? It feels like I am constantly evaluating, looking for something to go wrong. T recognizes this, as he has issues too. I have to give it a shot, I deserve it.
Any relationship takes work, I think I just fantasized about the storybook relationship when I was with my AH for 23 years. I realized that there is no perfect realtionship because we are human. I think midlife relationships can be difficult because of the history or as some call it "baggage"
For me Alanon was not helpful, as I am not dealing with an alcoholic.
Not saying Alanon was not helpful before, just not with these issues.
I have branched out and found friends who are not in alcoholic relationships and found out everyone has struggles.

The most important thing is communication. I take it for granted that T knows what I thinking or I think if I told him it wouldn't matter.
If I told my AH that something he did bothered me, nothing would change.

When I talk to T, we discuss it and things change, it took me a long time to get use to that.

All I can say it took me a long time to become damaged, it just might take a little while to get repaired.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle night in a shear panic, asking myself what the heck I am doing? Then I remind myself I am just living life and it's going to be ok.

Thanks for posting this, once again I am not alone on my journey.

GettingFree

Thank you friends for reminding me that this is a natural part of relationships, including healthy ones. I think I've been in unhealthy for so much of my past that I think if something big happens, and I'm reacting from big emotions, it signals that something terrible's wrong.

When K came home last night (he'd had a previous commitment to attend before we had our argument), I was reminded of how much I value this relationship and this man for who he is. He had not gone into crisis mode as I did. He was calm and gentle. He had taken the time he needed to step back. He reminded me that there's nothing here that needs immediate fixing, that we're learning, and then only wanted to provide comfort when he saw how hurt place I had gone to.

We also had a session this morning with the therapist we're seeing. I'm really grateful we're pursuing this. Although I was the one to initiate, K has come to trust this man and take things from the sessions that he finds very valuable on both an individual and couple basis - as do I. A lot of this is focusing on communication, and it's pretty remarkable how easy it is to get locked in to patterns that get you stuck.

So yes, we get to learn. Like you say mfisher, it took a long time not just to be damaged, but to learn all our kneejerks responses and ways of protecting ourselves when we feel hurt or threatened. Or how we perceive hurt or threat.

I like what you said: I remind myself I am just living life and it's going to be ok.. I'm going to hang on to that one!

best,
gf

teke

thanks getting free, i really needed to read your post, it has been a hopefull one, and i pray that things get even better for you