mallowcup

I had the day off. I was enjoying it. I've been working a lot to compensate for my husband not working at all. He hasn't worked since last October. We have bills to catch up, but I've been there before. As we have been wiating for his work to call anyday, they aren't. He walked off the last job and I think he may be starting to realize he isnt the prima donna he thought he was. He resented work because his buddies at the bar are all on disability. So anyway, everything was fine. I had to go get my check at 1pm and he was taking a nap because he was attending a wake in the evening. I got my check and went to the bank and returned home. Everything was fine. He had been drinking just like everyday. Beer. The wake is at 5pm, he leaves at 3pm. He goes to the bar around the corner. I head to Walmart for plants. I got home at 6:30pm. He's sitting on the porch. Pissy. I walked up and said, "How did it go?", "Who went?. BAM! You F'ing liar, Like you don't know! ....and by the way you were seen at two locations today (he named them). I said, "EXCUSE ME?" I went and got my check ,went to the bank and came home. Tonight I went to Walmart. LIAR! This went on with him ranting what a liar I was. I was so ticked I was shaking. I didnt cry. Of course he wouldn't reveal the mystery accuser. He was screaming in my face and I slapped him smack across the face. In ten years of marriage, that has never happened. He was STUNNED! I then told him, I am a Christian wife and no one is going to call me a liar. I will not tolerate having my character challenged! Drink if you will but don't you ever question my integrity. You have a decent wife! My husband is over 6 feet I am 5'1". I swear there was a waring angel on my shoulder! He said OK, show me proof you liar! Of course I could not find the Walmart receipt, so I dumped my purse and sorted though and still couldn't find it. I threw out the stuff I had sorted and he threw his dinner on top of it. I was so mad but I still wasn't crying. I dumped the garbage on the floor on a piece of plastic and started going through it again, this time with spanish rice all over it. I was fuming, As I realized I was sitting on the floor picking through the garbage, I began to cry. Why was I doing this? I prayed, Lord, help me! In an instant I remembered putting the receipt in my coat pocket. Thank you Lord! Before I could say a word, my husband said, "Where's the receipt that proves how innocent you are, still can't find it you liar?!" I handed him the receipt sobbing(which made me so mad) and I pointed out the time and date on it. I also handed him the bank deposit slip with the date and time on it. Precisely the time I was accused of being somewhere else! I told him, here is your proof! Only a fool would believe a "person" who remains nameless over his wife and only a fool would offer proof in answer to it. Shame on you and beware, because you will not answer to me for it, I'm going to let the Lord handle this one. You have clearly chosen your master and I have clearly chosen mine. Stay away from me! I know so much of my reaction was wrong. What's really going on? The wake was for the father of a woman he once adored and she wasnt interested. We had a long talk about him going this morning as he was friends with everyone in that family. I had spoken to one of my firends this morning and she was going to the wake too. Everything was fine and then BAM he accuses me of being somewhere I was not and accused me of talking to my friend tonight, which I did not. I'm sure there's more to this story. I wonder what it could be. Got any ideas? We do not have a violent relationship but something inside me or outside me slapped him. Never never have I ever done such a thing. I am strong in my faith and I will not be slandered. I'm sleeping on the couch. He picked a fight or needed to believe the worst of me, why? He was 100 % determined to prove me a liar and I 100% proved I wasn't. He looked at the proof and went to bed without a word. I dont know if he went to the wake, didn't go to the wake, went and something happened???? I'm starting to think he is having a affair or he's trying to justify starting one. Something specifically happend today tha the thinks my girlfiend told me about. I'm thinking he never went and she would know he didn't because she was there. I the name of detaching, do I drop it or do I try to find out what this was all about?

sunshine003

who knows mallowcup....who knows if he went, if something happened or what is going on in his head. How can anyone make sense of a drunk person??? What was he implying exactly?

Your reaction, although not something you're proud of, is that of someone who's human. We all can be pushed to our limit sometimes. Don't beat yourself up for it, it's over now, just learn from it.

mallowcup, I enjoy your responses to so many posts, mine included. You always put such a different spin on it. You always say something that inspires me or awakens me. I am shocked that you are with someone who is an alcoholic. I don't know why and please don't be offended, I do not mean it that way....I mean it in a way that should reassure you, that of course you are a good person!

megamysterioso

This is serious emotional abuse. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but I'm just seeing it through an objective "reality" lens--- a compassionate man that truly loved and more importantly, respected his wife as a human being, would never stoop so low as this. You're frantically digging around for a Wal-mart receipt to prove "innocence"??? That is ludicrous. I've put up with many stupid things from my AH too. Eventually you do get to a point where you will no longer wish to tolerate it. You don't deserve this Mallow. You are too good and have too much to offer the world. There ARE people out there that would appreciate your goodness and respect you for the person you are.

GettingFree

Mallow,

I'm so sorry for this awful experience. It sounds very painful. You must be pretty exhausted by it all.

I have found that looking for evidence to defend myself or prove my innocence with someone who is not grounded in reality is futile.

It may hold them off in one instance, but there tends always to be another. If someone's illness is such that they see and believe deception, they will -- no matter what evidence you produce. And in trying to prove it, I've become a desperate child, it takes me back to my earliest days of being wrongly accused as a child. And so it emotionally undoes me and makes me feel as if I've losing my own mind. It's a lose-lose situation.

Hope you get some peace,

gf

2dayzmuse

My ex-husband knew how to push my buttons. He was a very cunning, conniving man. He would say mean, horrible, degrading things to me trying to get me to react. After being called dumber than a bag of dirt, followed by a very horrible 4-letter word, I slapped him. That is just the reaction he was hoping for. He called 911 and I went to jail for domestic violence. It was very ironic that I went to jail for domestic violence due to the fact he was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive. Just a word to the wise, be very careful. Things could turn on you quickly...

GettingBy

It's so easy to let my priorities slip (serenity, peace, happiness, etc), when I try and fight with an alcoholic. Reacting to drunken accusations (no matter how absurd) has always, always, always been the fastest way to get me to act crazy and out of control. I never know what the heck is prompting some of the garbage that comes out. Is it guilt? Is it manipulation? Is it fueled by some rumor? The reality is... it doesn't matter. Chances are it could be any of those things, but I will most likely never know the truth. I know with my husband, the morning after a blow-up like this was usually even more confusing. I'd try and confront the issue head on, only to watch him dance around, "I never said that." or "You took that all out of context." or "You're being too sensitive." or "Well, you freaked out and were throwing garbage around like a crazy woman." and the worst was, "Well you slapped me, and I've NEVER laid a hand on you." Ugh. I was right smack dab in the middle of the Dance.

You know where you were, there was no need to defend yourself to the obsurd accusations... and there's no point driving yourself crazy trying to figure out where they came from... all that's going to do is put the focus on the wrong spot. He's in the rages of his disease, and it's so important, now more than ever, to detach from it and take care of you.

The truth will be revealed all in good time... but in the meantime, get the focus back on you. Take care of you, and spend some time thinking about how you could better handle situations like that. Come up with some alternative responses that would better maintain your serenity and detachment.

Hugs,
Shannon

denny57

Your post breaks my heart, mallow.

My AH would go on the offensive whenever he was afraid I was either going to find something out or I had found something out. I only figured that out in hindsight as more was revealed.

I am an adult who needs to explain myself to no one. I know I am a trustworthy person and I refuse to get into a situation where I have to defend false accusations against that. I'm sorry to say my attitude drove my AH nuts.

Please take care of yourself.

prodigal

Your husband accused you unjustly, but you also chose to attempt to prove to him that he was wrong. I know how furious I get when I'm falsely accused. This happened to me numerous times with my AH. I finally realized that it was a bunch of baloney. I didn't have to care what he believed or didn't believe. He accused me of throwing his wedding band in the trash can because he claimed he'd taken it off and placed it our "junk drawer" in the kitchen. He just KNEW how vindictative I could be, and he told me I had gone down to the kitchen in the middle of the night, opened the drawer, and tossed his ring in the trash.

Six months later, he found it in a pair of his jeans.

I remember saying to him, "Whatever you think is of no matter to me. God knows I'm telling the truth and that is what truly matters."

So next time your paranoid AH goes looking for you to prove where you've been, don't get into it with him. You now you're an upstanding woman and your God knows this too. So why bother with this fellow? Let him shoot off his mouth all he wants - he's simply demonstrating his own insecurity.

teke

for yrs i stayed on the defensive from time to time, most of the time my ah would use accusations against me, to take the heat off himself. i almost literally lost my mind tring to defend myself against his actions. never did do any good. finally i realized that what he was trying to do to me was very abusive and i decided to not allow him to get to me with that junk.
it made him more angry, i came to believe that as long as he could get me upset with his put downs, he was able to transfer his guilt in some way. i end up with a very low self esteem, and now i am having to try to recover from that. misery loves company, he has to blame somebody if not, he'll have to take a look at himself.

you sound though as if you may be in a more dangerous situation, if so, please seek help cause the desease and the abuse gets progressively worse.

i am praying that god will guide you and protect you. thank you for letting me share this with you

steve11694

The reason alcoholics lash out like that is because they all have a common thread; self hatred. The defense mechanism called "projection" is what they commonly practice.

Very much as it is the veterinarian that gets bit the most by animals in pain closest, the alcoholic acts in the same way.

Try not to be put off by the nasty language. You are listening to the way the alcoholic feels about him/herself and not the way felt about you.

robina

This was very upsetting for you, and you didn't deserve to be treated that way.

Try really hard to not take it personally. He is an alcoholic, and he is in a lot of pain, which he is dumping on you. His groundless accusations speak volumes about him.

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease, this type of thing may happen again. What are some steps you can take to stay calm if he tries to provoke you again? One of my favorites is, I ask myself "how important is it?" when I am being blamed or accused by the alcoholic. Doing this has brought some serenity into some very tense situations for me.

Finally, take care of yourself and God Bless.
You are not alone.

sunshine003

mallow, hope you're feeling better today.

mfisher

Wow! your post really struck me. I remember the times of sitting there caught in the insanity. The tears, the fury and the total disgust of what I was pushed into doing.
I too hit my Ah, TWICE. This was totally out of my character and the beginning of the end for me.
Everytime one of these "episodes" would happen I would lose a piece of me, a good piece, a piece that was kind, understanding and patient. I eventually lost myself and did outrageous things to prove a point, whether it be to defend myself or prove his lies.
I don't know what the answers are for you, I only know what happened to me. I am getting me back finally and it is very scary to realize how far one can be pushed by a persons behavior.
Just stay true to yourself and heed these lessons.

Missy

OMG... everything you said IS ME... I wanted to do a quote here but it would have been the whole thing. I started a new thread because i dont have a clue why I am still around. We can prove all we want to and they are sooo clever they fine something else so it isnt worth it... thanks for sharing...
I'M NOT CRAZY.I'M NOT CRAZY.I'M NOT CRAZY.I'M NOT CRAZY.

so now what do we do??? that is why I started a thread... xo

gypsyrose

There's a time when I'm sure I would have dug through the trash for proof to defend myself. Now, when AH starts to behave like that, I immediately tell him to "stop, don't even go there." He actually backs off now because he knows if he keeps it up, I'll start packing my bags. I won't leave him forever based on a bad night but I will take a vacation whenever I need to. I know I'm fortunate to be able to do that. I look at it this way, vacations are less expensive and more fun than a divorce. As long as AH continues to get better, I'll keep handling the rough spots by loading up the truck and taking time off with my boys. It's been working for us.

reader

Oh, Mallowcup!! Try not to knock yourself too bad! You just lost ur cool, I would be livid too. I am not proud of it but I have slapped my husband too. He was talking very filthy and I lost it. I said I am a lady and don't speak to me like that, I am your wife not ur *****. Needless to say, it hasn't happened since but I felt low too. We all hit are breaking point and digging in the garbage to prove ur self must be humilating, in hindsight. Try not to let him get to you, I know it's hard but u don't deserve mistrust. It is a lost cause fighting with someone who is drinking!! Be good to ur self, why not treat ur self to something or baby yourself somehow! Take care, Kerry

Janitw

Mallowcup - oh sweetie I have been in that very spot you were in....Almost exactly. Alcoholics have no regard whatsoever for their actions and just how stupid they look. And they don't care about how much they hurt the people who love them. After he threw his dinner on top of the pile of receipts I would have called it done and placed the whole mess in bed so he could sleep on it....but hey now you know why I am divorcing...no seriously Mallow - try not to get caught in the leg traps okay. Just walk away and breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out....

Hugs

Janet

libralady

(((mallow)))
Thinking of you. God Bless you X

mallowcup

Thank you all. I out off coming to read the responses. I usually walk away. I guess I just snapped for a moment, I thought, you jerk! You may take many things from me but you will not take my integrity. I did learn that he went to the wake and the first thing one of the family said was wow!, I would have never recognized you! (they said this with a tone of voice that was not a compliment). Guess the alcohol is showing. This morning he apologized and I said, save it. "You are rapidly throwing away the last solid thing in your life. You can go out with your foul friends and drink until you stink, but never never NEVER bring that trash into this house again!, Know that I mean it!" I don't speak up or speak with such conviction so he just shut up and started to cry. I thought cry me river! What makes your tears so much more valuable than mine? He is over at the bar now. I really couldn't care less. I have to work the next three days. I have decided to start a nest egg. I got her wind knocked out of me and there are those times when they are detrmined to have it fight. He said last night he would leave but he knew I'd call the cops. I said you can count on it. I can identify with things that each of you said, I'm sorry any of us would ever have to go through this. One thing is for sure, we are headed toward the day when I will leave and I won't look back. I'm not remotely concerned with pleading my case, he has a list of past charges that have all been alcohol related. It has been a long log time since I felt like a did last night. I disgust myself. What woman with any dignity would sort through the garbage. If there's any thing funny abou this it's that he's always the one irrate when someone has to prove their innocence.

2dayzmuse

I understand exactly how you feel. I've lowered myself to levels I never would have before. My ex and I went to a wedding out of town, we were staying in a nice hotel. We ended up in a drunken fight back at the hotel. Things got way out of hand and he punched me in the face. I went flying and hit the floor. I got up and the same scenario played itself out, two more times.

I couldn't believe my husband was punching me in the face full force, yet I wasn't surprised. I decided I had had enough and was going to the police. He then threw me on the bed and started to strangle me. I thought for sure I was going to die. Thoughts of the maid coming in the next morning and finding me dead on the bed kept running through my mind.

The look of insanity was all I could see in front of me as I struggled for my life. Finally, he realized what he was doing and let go of me. I grabbed the car keys and stepped out into the hotel hallway. I then stopped short. Reality set in. I was in a strange town, I was frantic and I had been drinking. I had no idea where the police station was and if I had, I would have bee arrested for drunk driving. I had no money and no where else to go. I turned around and knocked on the door for him to let me back in. He opened the door and in I walked. That was one of the most degrading moments of my life and I will never forget it.

I know how you felt. I too have been stripped of my dignity. Another time he back handed me and I spit two teeth into my hand. Again, we were out of town to visit friends. I spent the entire weekend trying to talk and act like nothing had happened, eanwhile, missing my two front, bottom teeth. Not an easy thing to pull off. All I wanted to do was to get home. On the drive home, he decided to take the scenic route home. It took an extra hour to drive that way. I guess he thought I should enjoy the view, or else he was trying to torture me. I could barely stand being in the same car with him. The whole situation was completely terrifing and pathetic.

The good news is, I have been free of him and like goes on. I have managed to regain my dignity and my pride within my self, so can you.

No woman should have to endure what you have been going through. Things will never change, especially if he continues to drink. My fear is what is he going to do when he gets home from the bar? You need a safe haven. You may have to go looking to find it. Good luck and know that you are not alone. .