absentx

Good Evening,

I have some questions, they are regarding a family member who is going on the better part of 15 years in dealing with an alcohol problem.

A short history for you all:

1. Began drinking in high school like many people do. Had reputation as always being the really drunk guy, but everybody loved it because thats what everone else was doing. Graduated as Valedictorian, nominated to all four United States Military service acadamies.

2. Honorobably discharged from United States Air Force Academy in 2000 due to alcohol related incidents. Mainly just him being drunk, nothing he did to other people or things. He graduated with a Bachelors degree, but was not commisioned as an officer. Life long dream of flying jets out the window.

3. Been living at home with parents ever since. Attempted at one point to live away from them, was fired from Job for alcohol related tardiness and conditions while at work

4. Jump to 2005, nearly dies from a Lyme's disease infection that affects his heart. Makes full recovery. Thought this might be something that finally snaps him out of his destructive behavior.

5. Continues to drink like a bandit up until now, and what makes me write is two incidents since the lymes disease: He has passed out twice at his job both times on a Tuesday, after long weekends of drinking his face off. He is currently at the hospital now being detoxed.

Questions:

1. Anybody else have a relative that has drank so damn much they pass out and need to go to the hospital? Is it that physically addicting?

2. Brain and heart are all perfect, both times he has been in now the doc says it is from withdrawal.

3. He is a 24 hour nightmare for my folks, how in the world do we get this to end? He has trashed the last seven years of his life.

Justme57

Until HE wants to help himself, there is nothing you can do, except look after YOU and the family members.

You might like to try a meeting of Alanon, they will be able to give you the tools you need to better YOUR life

Good Luck
Lee

jimhere

in it's late stages, the alcoholic must have alcohol in his system to live. that is a paradox, because it's killing him. without medical supervision, withdrawal from alcohol can be fatal. so the alcoholic drinks to live and lives to drink.

absentx

Okay and how exactly do my folks do this when he lives with them? They can ignore him all they want, but you have to admit, its hard to ignore when at any time he has become like a time bomb that passes out from withdrawal and needs to be admitted.

they supposed to just kick him out?

laurie6781

Absentx you asked:

"they supposed to just kick him out?"

Mine did. It was January of 1979, I was 33 1/2 years old and I was told if I came to the door, it would be shut in my face, if I called on the phone, they would hang up on me. I was told in no uncertain terms that it was "my problem" and that I was the only one who could do anything about it. They did what they said they would.

It took me another 2 1/2 years to find sobriety. I had to find my own bottom. In later years in my recovery, my mom told me that it was the hardest thing she ever had to do in her life, but knew if she did not do it, that she would end up in a "padded romm" that she might not ever get out of.

BTW I will celebrate 25 years of continuous sobriety in June. So it can be done. But, family member has to WANT sobriety. Doen't sound like he's there yet.

Alanon will help you and your family greatly. You will learn new way of "reacting" or "not reacting" to his latest calamity, or drama.

JMHO from my own ES & H

Love and (((((to all))))),

Minx1969

I'm sure that is one solution but as others have posted Alanon is a good way to learn about others..

Your parents could set a boundary of "no drinking while living in our home" but then they need to set consequences and stick with them.

I will say that by continuing to enable him they aren't helping him get better..

Cynay

Laurie .....

Have I said thank you lately for coming here and helping us understand... if not

THANK YOU!

FormerDoormat

Absentx you asked:

"they supposed to just kick him out?"

That's what I did with my alcoholic boyfriend of 24 years. No amount of me begging, pleading, arguing with him, or threatening to leave him had any impact on his lifestyle.

Kicking him out had a serious impact on his lifestyle. He hit rock bottom and nearly died. That's when he finally realized he had two choices:

1) continue to drink and die
2) get help and live.

So, the answer to your question is YES.

jimhere

When my son was twenty years old, he was living at his mother's (my former wife) house. He wasn't working, was drinking and smoking pot and coming in at all hours. She called me and asked me what should she do. I said throw him out and change the locks on the doors. She took my advice. He showed up at my door and I had to tell him he couldn't stay at my house unless he got a job. I didn't even give him any money. I was twelve years sober at the time and turning my own son away in the middle of winter was one the hardest things I've ever had to do.

He is almost twenty-four now. Has a job and his own place. I don't believe he is alcoholic, he was just having a few problems a few years back. He and I have a good relationship and he and his mom have a good relationship. He told me not long ago that had we let him go the way he was going, he would probably be in jail right now.
Jim

absentx

Alanon will not be an option.

My brother has made it quite clear he does not prescribe to this school of thought for treatment. For myself, my family and him, we will need to seek non 12 step treatment options. Or rather he will need to seek non 12 step treatment options. Please no lectures about this, there are plenty of other options out there.

Is allowing him to live there but with absolutely no alcohol plus treatment a good way to go? Or is this just going to end up back at going nowhere?

prodigal

.... but there is NOTHING anyone can do to stop an individual from trashing their life if they wish to do so. It's frustrating. It's upsetting. It's emotionally draining. Detach. Kick him out and let him pay the consequences for his own choices. He'll either get help or he'll destroy himself. Loving an alcoholic is difficult. We all want them to get better, see the light, whatever. But it is their choice and their's alone to make the commitment to get sober. Just pray for him and work on yourself. That is all you can do.

Minx1969

Alanon is really for friends and family and you are right - there are plenty of non - 12 step options for you and your parents..

Your brother has to be willing to get help..you can't force him to get help..

my brother never did..he died at 34 at his own hands..

no amount of pleading, coaxing, threatening ever helped him..he did what he wanted to ..even at the end..

jimhere

What he needs to do is not the point. No one here is going to lecture you. But hopefully you will get the truth. After all, you asked. I agree, there is more than one path, but if I were you, I'd find one, get on it, get free, and get on with living. If he doesn't want help, there is not one single thing you can do or say that will convince him. Only alcohol, the great persuader, will do that. The more you obssess about his problem, the more miserable you will be.

FormerDoormat

Everyone here has tried the "no drinking/no alcohol in the house rule." It failed every time. So, yes, this is just going to end up going nowhere.

By the way, Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics. Alcoholics Anomymous (AA) is for alcoholics. And if you're against 12-step recovery programs because you're afraid they push a religious agenda, that's not the case.

If you haven't attended a meeting, then you have no way of knowing what's involved in the meetings. Try it once, and if it's not for you, then find another way to cope with your stress.

But you obviously need some way to cope with your stress, or you wouldn't be posting here.

absentx

Well, I guess I understand.

The problem is when you try to get advice from other people out there who dont have alcoholics in their families you get different advice:

"Oh you need to get him help"

"Oh I cant believe your parents have just sat around and let this happen"

"You need to make him go get treatment"

blah blah blah blah

Its seems as though you folks all have had a fair amount of experience in dealing with homo-alcoholi and the reoccuring theme here appears to be get on with our lifes and leave him out to dry until he figures it out for himself.

FormerDoormat

That's correct. And on this thread you've heard the same responses from friends and families of alcoholics as well as recovering alcoholics themselves. It's hard to dish out tough love, but sometimes it's necessary.

Make yourself comfortable and stick around a while. You're among friends here. Welcome to SoberRecovery.

StandingStrong

I've said it before on this forum and I'll say it again......No one really gets what it's like to love an addict or alcoholic until they, themselves, have been there. It's just one of those things that I believe a person just can't "get it" by being told, having it explained, etc. It's one of those experiences that has to be personally experienced. So while your friends or family or whoever has the best of intentions when they give you advice or their thoughts - you simply have to remember that they don't understand, they haven't been there, and they are uneducated on the topic of addiction. In my opinion, it's that plain and simple.
Education is key to recovery. Educate yourselves on alcoholism, educate yourselves about codependancy - and ENABLING! There are roles that we all play in the game of loving an A. There is a great post about this in the Power Posts that are located in the "stickies" section.
Welcome to SR, I hope that you'll stick around and share your journey with all of us.

TomsGirl

Hi Absentx, I'm sorry you're going through this. Yes, it sucks. Based on your last post I would suggest that you go to an Alanon meeting even if it's just to get into a room with those that DO understand and to just listen to their stories. And you are right about advice from those who have never had to deal with alcoholism in their lives. They can't understand why the A just can't stop and they also can't understand why we can't make them stop. It's probably the hardest thing for all of us to finally realize and accept. The A (spouse, SO, parent, child, whatever), who we know loves us very much, just cannot stop for us. I know my husband would do anything in the world for ME, except stopping drinking. He is currently sober because of the consequences it brought on him, namely jail time. He readily acknowledges how much his drinking affected my quality of life but he also acknowledges that it really didn't mean anything to the addict in him. Alcoholism is a very selfish disease and so is recovery. Just the way it is. So be selfish and start thinking about yourself.

Soleilpie

Just a side note about Lyme disease. I'm not sure how long he had it before being diagnosed, but many people with chronic Lyme disease experience deblitating fatigue. Lyme disease is extremely difficult to treat once it becomes chronic. Testing for Lyme disease is very poor and misses many cases. If he still has Lyme disease, mixing alcohol into the picture would most definitely exacerbate all of his problems. Just a thought. You might want to take a look at www.lymenet.org and www.ilads.org.

My husband and I were stationed at USAFA 3 years ago. It's a shame that this family member of yours let a once in a life time opportunity slip away. I wish I had some good advice for you, but I'm not as experienced as many of the other posters here. I hope everything works out for your family.

absentx

Infectious disease specialists is almost certain his condition was/is not chronic. He had what was called Lyme Carditis which I guess is unfortunately a type of Lyme that is increasing in numbers. He had it for about six to eight weeks before it was screwing with his heart rhythm so bad he couldn't stay conscience.

However, that certainly is something to take into account, thanks for the advice.

Well, he will be detoxing for another day or two here...we will see what happens when he gets out.