minnie

Here you go

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nfo-76726.html

ASpouse

My bad .... read right past that. Detoxing is pretty nasty stuff ..... most people in detox say their ready for help while in active detox stage .... however, once they are through it and feeling pretty good, it's back to the same old same old. But, I do hope he means it and stops dragging your family through his dirty side of the street.

How old is he again? Did you say he was in his 30's? Still needing mom and dad's help.

absentx

Okay so again I am seeing a trend.

Everybody keeps pulling the Me/HIM card out.

I am not here to help me

I am here to talk with people who have similar experiences, now the conversation certainly is good an might actually help me, but that is not the main reason I am here.

I am more interested in helping my Mom and Dad get happy and how to help my bro free himself of Alcoholism.

I REALIZE IT IS UP TO HIM THAT HAS BECOME QUITE CLEAR

So I get that part!

Now, onto more questions:

Day two in the hospital, he still says he is ready for help. He wants to go straight to an inpatient treatment facility upon his release.

He has no money. Is it okay for my Ma to pay for some of it or is that too much?

And no whitty responses, I realize many of you might have years and years of experience in dealing with alcoholics, and your all disconnected and detached and stuff...but please, give a guy a break

absentx

He is 28


Trust me, I realize what is going on here! My Mom and Dad's house has become an alcohol haven for him. I get that, I really do.

sunshine003

I guess we didn't realize (well minnie finally did) that you were here to help HIM and your mom and dad, we thought you needed som ehelp.

Your mom and dad can't do it all for him. Pay for his treatment? they're probably going to. Doesn't sound like they're strong enough to say "no" to him just yet. In any event, I believe they should do so with strong boundarys....as in, "we love you and are helping you because of that. This is your chance at a better life, we know you can do it. However, if you begin drinking at a later date, we cannot help you again." And then they have to stick to that.

Think they could handle that?

This sounds like such a mess and your brother sounds as if he is in a bad way with his alcoholism. I sure hope he gets through it!

minnie

I understand that the Salvation Army run rehab services.

ASpouse

That's too bad, because this particular board is about helping ourselves, so all the advice you get is going to be about helping you, not him.

We all here have struggled for to get away from helping "them", some of us for years, some just weeks, others months and some just days.

Perhaps another board or another forum on this board can help you. I'm bowing out now as I couldn't help the many alcoholics in my life and I loved them, your brother I don't even know and I've struggled too hard to get away from co-dependency and enabling to even want to give or offer any advice on the right way to do it.

I wish both you and your family only the best outcome in dealing with this.

absentx

Dont get me wrong, clearly its nice to discuss with other people. Its not something you can really chat with your friends about.

They certainly have had trouble with no in the past.

Whats the better resolution though?

Dont pay for his treatment, he comes back home, continues to be a drunk, parents finally get detached, kick him out, and whatever happens (death, hits rock bottom, finally gets treatment, etc)

OR

Pay for the treatment, hope it works and perhaps he can become a normal member of society.

Unfortunately it is a catch 22. He certainly needs some kind of help to get through his problem. But he also needs money to pay for it, but he cant really get a good stream of income until he gets help for his alcohol problem!

By the way he loves his job and does very well with his job, and is loved at his job, but he doesnt work many hours, and spends most of his time when not working, well, you know, drinking!

Minx1969

As Minnie said - Salvation Army has lock down rehab services for free..but it's probably has some sort of religion component to it..

One thing is clear though: The entire family needs to get help..Yes..you have heard it before but because of the family dynamics even if you brother goes to rehab and gets sober, your mom and dad need to learn (or unlearn) certain behaviors..

and rehab may or may not work..I've seen plenty of people in and out of rehab, in and out of detox, in and out of AA..and still drinking..

just don't have any expectations that it is the answer..

needuwell

Iam going through this for the second time. My boyfriend who past 10 years ago by his own hands was an alcoholic. Had enough kicked him out 2 months later found him hanging on my clothes line in my back yard.
Now today I have a boyfriend of 7 months going through it again, but this one is not abusive. I turned my back and closed the door on my previous boyfriend. I could not do thi again, it took 10 years before I got it in my head that i was capable of loving again.
Found love again, he left onApril 7, 2006 gone before I got off of work , came home the next morning with his bags packed at the door. Was hell for a week and a half. I went to my cousins where he was staying last night, told him pack your bags you are coming home and we are going to fix this right. I told him that alcohol took one love and that I was not going to let it take another . I feel that i made the mistake of turning my back when he needed me. I can not live thru another suicide over alcohol.
Did i do the right thing last night? Figure that I will give him a ccouple of days, then got to get the ball rolling we both need help, he needs AA and I need Al Anon. Does anyone have and suggustings for me?

sunshine003

I agree, you shouldn't have any expectations. Your parents, if they're going to pay for it, need to do so knowing they may be giving their money away. And if it doesn't work, then absolutely they need to NOT let him come back to their house. They need to tell him that in order for them to not go under with him, they have to cut the string. Yes, they love him, yes they will be ready to resume a relationship once he is clean and sober but not until.

It is a catch 22 but only if you make it one. That doesn't mean it isn't heartbreaking. He has a real problem and I'd imagine, having been an alcoholic for 15 years as you say, and being so far into it that he needs detox and all the other things you describe...there are going to be some bumps in the road. You can't smooth out the bumps.

Your parents need to stop picking him up when he falls.....it's hard, it's sad and it takes a lot of strength but they have to do it if they ever want him to get better.

Good luck

denny57

absentx, I come from a different point of view on this - I do not see alcoholism as a moral lapse or, as you say, lack of discipline. So I think anything I share that has worked for me isn't relevant to your thinking. But I do wish you, your parents and your brother all the best. Please keep posting and let us know how it goes.

jimhere

Can your your brother stop drinking on his own will power? Or does he drink no matter what? From what you've told us, he seems pretty hopeless in that area. Powerless for the type of alcoholic that your brother seems to be means that he will drink no matter what the consequences, no matter what his past experience. No matter how intelligent or determined he is. I know, I am that type of alcoholic. Giving up the fight is not defeatist. Paradoxicaly, it is victory. I know it may not make sense to you, but it is beyond reason or logic. Does the fact that he drinks despite the consequences seem reasonable or logical to you?

Powerless in your case means that there is nothing you can do or say, or that your parents can do or say to convince him otherwise. Only the great persuader, booze can do that. I wish you & parents well and hope that your brother hits a bottom soon.
Jim

BohemiMamaof3

Absentx, your ABro & parents sound so much like mine. My Mom kept helping and helping, yes we set up/looked into treatment programs, pitched in money, etc., for him. I never mind helping him with money for the programs, but that's just me (My Mom won't do that anymore). This last year, though, my Mom has made it clear he can't move back in with her. She had to come to that on her own though, after taking him back in and really getting burned. It's so tough. Maybe while your ABro's in the program, your parents can get the courage or toughness (for lack of a better word) to say he can't come back to them. It was really hard for my Mom but ABro always ended up w/ a place to stay. I feel for you & your parents.

ASpouse

Phew ... for a minute there I thought I said something you didn't like!

absentx

I appreciate your respect for my point of view, infact very much so, thank you.

And I certainly will let everyone know how it goes.

My brother is leaving the hospital tomorrow morning and going straight to an inpatient treatment facility. I am not sure how long he will be there, but he will be going and he is not being forced to do it. Yes, he is being helped financially, but he has never been to any kind of "real" treatment in his life.


Again, thanks for all the advice, it is nice to talk with people who have gone through similar things.

In the meantime he will be in good hands and there will be other things to talk about.

BohemiMamaof3

I truly wish you, your parents and brother all the best.

absentx

well, as I said, my bro went straight to a treatment facility when he was released from the hospital last Friday.

He was Okay'd by the doctor there to go straight into phase two of their program. Phase one being detox, which he already had been through.

He has been there one week today. He has met some very nice people there and actually tells my Mom he is enjoying it. He will probably be there a few more days.

Yesterday in a group meeting he made a girl get up and leave. She was whining about how "her family did this" and "this person did that" and
"these people did this" and he said:

"You know that's all fine and dandy, but not once this week have you blamed something on yourself" she didn't like that so she got up and left.

Anyways, he is talking about the military again. Ill keep my fingers crossed and hopefully he will get rollin once he is out and not fall back down.

megamysterioso

I hope he continues his path of recovery and my prayers are with you all. Good luck.

denny57

thanks for keeping us updated. hope everything continues to go well