dan1958

Controlling anger! I guess Id like to said that sometimes I cant just turn the other cheek or not engage. It hard to just let things row off you when you getting badgered and anything you say is the wrong thing. They are experts at the art of the fight!

gelfling

You're right Dan...but my hubby isn't drinking anymore. When the alcoholic is active, life is a BI.

dan1958

I hate the fact that its me that its my problem with the drinking and I have to seek help! Im not the one who drinks and hurts you! I hate the way you enjoy that drink and would chosse it over my love!
I hate the way you smell from it and I cant say anything about it!
Most of all I hate that you dont see it as being a problema and you dont want to help us out and try to change it!

sunshine003

dan, I'm just trying to learn to not engage. It isn't always easy and I do slip up but one of my new lines is, when he starts with the I'm this or that, I say, "I am sorry you feel that way but I do not share your opinion." Once my AH was in the midst of telling me all sorts of horrible things about myself (he was drunk), I just calmly said, "wow, that sounds horrible. Look, I love you and the picture you paint of me sounds terrible. You shouldnt' be with me because I wouldn't want anyone I love to be with someone you just described." He hasn't done that since, LOL. He's changed his routine so I can't use that anymore.

goffredo

Sunshine, that's fantastic! I really like what you said.

It's true, and I have notice that too: when I don't react to my partner's anger, when i don't reply calling her names just because she's done so to me, when I don't raise my voice because she's raising hers, it doesn't work anymore. I am not fuelling her anger and insanity. What I do now is to tell her, usually the day after that i don't appreciate those words, abuse or whatever it is. I tell her in a calm but firm way. In that way I don't ignore my feelings, keep my boundary and make sure she knows. Then I let go.

Love Jo

dan1958

sunshine,I like that and I'll "try" to use that line. But,its hard sometimes. Here's what i might get out of mine. Is that when the some clears she saw I leaving because you told me to? It usaually go's like she say Im out of here blah,blah,blah! I'll get mad and say fine then leave! But,it will end up as me telling her to get out! A visous circle

ASpouse

The only issue I see here is that it focuses on the Alcoholic "I hate when YOU" and "YOU did this, and HE did that". That is NOT what recovery is all about. The focus needs to be taken off the Alcoholic in our lives and put on ourselves and when we are mad at them, I think in reality we are really mad at ourselves. If you need to get angry to make that anger drive you to action, then you really need to see someone to deal with your rage and anger issues. It is very unhealthy. In AA they say "Live and Let Live" .... rage and anger from anyone, alcoholic or not, scares the crap out of me.

If you do not like where this thread is headed mega, then perhaps it is because we all know that anger towards the A does not work ..... the decision/choice to leave or drive him/not drive him is yours! You should kick yourself in the rearend if you continue to do it and get mad at him ...... my question to you is "Is he making you pick him up?" or perhaps you are doing it "so he doesn't lose his job" ...... now that is classic enabling behavior patterns if you ask me!

dan1958

[QUOTE=goffredo]What I do now is to tell her, usually the day after that i don't appreciate those words, abuse or whatever it is. I tell her in a calm but firm way. In that way I don't ignore my feelings, keep my boundary and make sure she knows. Then I let go.

What is her reaction when you do this? Is it one of her saying that its all her? Just curious?
Dan

LaTeeDa

I was so angry for so long that I do understand where you are coming from, Mega. I didn't recognize it as anger at first, but I had that "knot" in my stomach for a very long time. Feeling the anger is healthy, and can motivate you. Your anger belongs to you, however. As long as you are blaming it on him, you will not be able to move past it. It is not his fault you are angry, it is yours. You have to own your own feelings, only then can it motivate you to change. I'm not saying bury it, what I'm saying is identify why YOU feel that way, and change what you are doing. It's easy to be angry when it's all HIS fault. When you take responsibility for your own feelings, it becomes a lot more difficult. Then YOU have to decide what to do about them.

Sorry this didn't go where you wanted it to, but there is no easy answer. The most meaningful thing I've gotten from SR is the wisdom of others who have been there, done that. I've been where you are, blaming him for all my problems. Once I took ownership of my own stuff, my life started to get better. Venting can certainly be healthy. I have a journal with probably 40-50 pages full of anger. In order to let it go, I had to stop blaming someone else for it and take responsibility for my own choices. It's very hard, but the peace is oh so worth it!

L

dan1958

Apouse. I think what mega is just getting at here is that this is just a venting thread and not the real world. Kinda of like in the movie analyze this Billy Crytasl says to Deniro ' I usally just hit a pillow when I get angry" So,Deniro shoots the pillow! LOL

sunshine003

If you tell her, "I love you and what you describe sounds horrible, you shouldn't be with what you just describe, I wouldn't want anyone I love to live that way..." and she leaves, then that's her choice, you didn't say anything that wasn't true. Mine never left over that. He never left because what he was saying was true anyway. If he had left then I guess I would have had to stick to my word. I wouldn't have had a problem with that. So, if you don't say anything and go along with the horrible things they are saying, they'll stay? But if you react in a way that places all the stuff back on them, they'll go? then the only reason they are there is to play games, in my book. I wish it owuld have been that easy to get mine to go, LOL.

ASpouse

Oh OK ...... since I don't have these anger/venting issues anymore ..... I forgot! LOL

But to me, what some folks are venting about are real issues ..... my point is, don't do it for them, then there won't be issues to be angry about!

sunshine003

I was trying to say why this thread isn't going the way she thought. I realize that once you make it over something and it doesn't have to be full recovery, even something small, you don't look at it the same way again. So, lots of people here have been angry before but are at another place with their recovery. Now, they don't/can't relive the anger or what they felt way back when without having another way of looking at it. So they might remember it, they also see the error in it and it doesn't exist in the same light anymore. That's true with many things in life. For example, I remember my first broken heart but when I think about it, it doesn't trigger all those feelings because I've moved on. I can even laugh about parts of it, I can remember how horrible it felt but it doesn't feel that way anymore.

My point is, that's why this place has helped so much. I love having those here who point out when I'm blaming or focusing on someone else or trying to control. I can't wait to be past it and have it not feel the way it does today.

minnie

I agree with you, Judy. I found the anger dissipated somewhat after I made sure that I wasn't feeding it by enabling.

I am sorry to hear that you feel that people have missed the point of the thread, Mega, and that perhaps you don't feel that your anger has been validated.

jen928

I am going to go ahead and vent. I am desperately trying to come to terms with my mom's drinking. I am not an enabler, I do not do anything to help her drinking or even help her. My anger is still there. I do not live with her. I try to limit my contact with her as much as possible. BUT my anger is still there. I do not hate her. I do still love her. I do wish she would get better. BUT my anger is still there. A lot of times I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I HATE THIS F*CKING DISEASE. I hate everything about it. I hate that I don't have a mom. I hate that I just moved into my own place with a great man and she still hasn't come to see it. I hate that I took a day off work to go pick her up so I could show her all the hard work we put into the new house and she couldn't go b/c she was too busy (drinking that is). I hate that I won't have a mom at my wedding. I hate that I won't have a grandmother to my children. I hate that she's thrown her creativity, her life, her love into her alcohol. I HATE THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL. (I know that I don't have any control over the situation and in all honesty I hate that). I hate that I've lost the best friend I once had in my mom. I hate that I have some horrible memories from child and the good ones are being displaced b/c of my anger towards her inability to get help. I could go on and on and I think I will in my own time.
This does help. Thank you!

denny57

We codies will never learn! LOL Why do we think we can control anything?

StandingStrong

I completely understand where mega was trying to go with this thread. It's hard to hold that anger in when it is so consuming! On top of that, I have gotten the impression that mega really hasn't got anyone that she can vent too when she's feeling the need too. Not everyone has that support network of friends, families, etc. that others do.
I remember very well how angry I was when ah first left. I felt it and everyone around me knew I was one hurt and angry person. And it took me awhile to really work through that.
Interesting enough though, I guess I reached SR at a good time. I was angry and I was hurt - but I was determined to have a good life, a better life - whether that was with ah or without! In a weird sort of way, I think I started out wanting to show him that I was going to have a better life. But somewhere, it changed and it became about my doing it for me - and not to show him.
As was pointed out already and I think my situation was a good example - I took that focus off of ah. My anger at him and what I couldn't change was out of my control. I started with the things I could control - and it was no easy battle! I still have had moments over the past 2 years we've been seperated where my anger has gotten the best of me. Actually, there is a post in the Relationship In Sobriety thread where I confessed about one particular incident where my rage escalated to the point of my trying to blow him up at a public gas station. NOT a good thing!!!! And one I'm not proud of. But I've been there - felt that rage!!! Rage is way beyond anger.
I have only recently come to that point of acceptance. Accepting what is. And it has changed my perspective on many things. The rage is gone. I still get angry sometimes and I still have moments where I know that I could probably start raging again. Point being - I think that many of us have been in that angry phase. It's a stage we go through.

Mega - I completely get your idea for this thread. I'm sorry that it didn't go as you wanted it too. But feel free to be angry, feel free to express it. Just remember that eventually, the raging can escalate. And it's taking a whole lot of your energy. And I hope that you'll reach the next level soon. The place you are in now is really a very painful place to be.

goffredo

Hi Dan

She doesn't argue, fight or get defensive as long as I do so the day after. She apologises for her insanity and admits that what she said was hurtful, rude.

It could be that she's doing her step 4 so she gets quite humble.

If I look at the situation from the outside, again the day after or the same day it happens but when we are having time out in separate rooms, I can see that recovery doesn't happen overnight and the way she reacts is sometimes because she's stuck in her old ways (and so am I). I can see that she's trying to change for the better. Also I can see that now I am actually saying what I mean and feel but without slamming doors, screaming, storming out of the house. I also tell her that she is defensive and sets out to hurt back as she feel attacked when mine is not an attack.

It's all in her head still and although I cannot and don't want to changeher, it doesn't mean i cannot lay it out, express myself or notice a behaviour. My aim right now is not to respond to the insanity with insanity.

Love Jo

megamysterioso

Dan said it best! Wow!!! A lot has been posted since I've been working away. It has been great to read everyone's thoughts on the issue.

I have not retaliated back at my husband with insanity in a LONG, LONG time. I learned not to play that game as it did nothing but stress me out and cause us some very long evenings. I am a calm and peace loving person at home and throughout life in general. Regardless of what happens between me and AH, I would NEVER wish anything ill on him a day in my life. Really. I have never been the type of person to hold a grudge and luckily, not even my AH has destroyed that quality within me.

I just think that venting is healthy and we shouldn't feel guilty about it. For those of you who have moved past it, that is great.

sunshine003

I relate to why you need to vent mega and I never got the impression that your home is like a battle ground, I'm sure nobody else did either. I for one think you should vent away if you need too. I feel a connection to everyone here...some who have made it further that I and are able to see things in a different light and towards those who are where I am and to those who are where I have been. You my friend, will escape all this, I just know it!