megamysterioso

You have come a very long way!! I applaud you for putting your foot down and just packing up and doing it. I'm working on getting myself to where you are and when I hear stories like yours, I am inspired.

ASpouse

HockeyMom, you sound just like I did when my husband went to rehab! Me, I had a full time job, a 3 year old, an 11 year old, a litter of 8 puppies, puppy buyers coming to my house to see the pups ..... isn't it strange that even though they are in rehab, life goes on and it will continue to go on even after they get home. My suggestion to you, although you didn't ask, is get yourself to Al Anon and possibly to therapy. Suppose you were single with kids, you would have to clean, do laundry wouldn't you! Why do you hate these things so much?

I can understand this, but for now, this is what you have to do. Have you looked at your finances and tried to reconfigure the budget and perhaps spread your money a little thinner?

So you want a pat on the back? Well I say "give it to yourself! Give yourself the recognition you feel you deserve, because it is really only meaningful if you get it from someone you respect ...... hopefully that someone would be yourself. Don't expect anything from your AH ..... he is fighting a battle to stay sober and for right now, his main concern is himself. If he works a program and sticks with it, it will in the end, pay off for you very big.

You don't ....... you are a mother, a thankless job at best! Your rewards will come later. So in the meantime, give yourself a break everyday, take a nice bath ..... take quiet time of 1 hour everyday and pamper yourself within your means. Do something to make yourself feel good and stop the focus on him, it's really hurting you in the long run!

ASpouse

WOW ..... you would leave him if he had cancer and refused treatment? What if the treatment wouldn't help him? What if he would die anyway? Sickness and disease always hurt the family ...... don't you take any responsibility to insure that your family suffers as little as possible?

Let me tell you something, my kids have lived through a sibling dying of cancer, a father who nearly killed himself drinking and no, our family was not destroyed because I took responsibility and did my best to not let these diseases destroy our family.

Destruction of family is not a "given" when someone suffers from a disease ...... destruction only happens, IMHO, if you let it!

I know this is a "VENTING" thread, but I see so much "hanging" on to anger ....... feeling it and letting it go is what is healthy, venting about it over and over and over is not healthy, at least that is what I've learned in Al Anon and during Therapy.

L8YNRED

Anger happens. Feel it, express it, let go of it so it doesn't hurt you. I hate that someone way back in history came up with alcohol in the first place. Doesn't make it not be here. So the hate is useless to me. What other people choose to do with their anger is their business, so if they want to vent let them vent. If they want to get off the anger train because it is good for them, good for them.

sunshine003

Aspouse, I have a question for you. You asked hockeymom why she hated those things so much, that if she were single, she'd have to do them anyway, etc. Maybe I'm looking at my current situation wrong and sometimes, you'll say something that makes me look at something in a different way....could you explain what you meant by that? I'm asking because well, what's wrong with hating laundry? or cleaning? Certainly, if someone were a single mom they'd have to do it all but if you're not, I can see why you'd grow to resent doing it all. It's a lot of work.

I can say that I pretty much do all the cleaning here. Not only keeping up the house but seeing to it that the kids do their part. I do all the laundry, all ah's laundry, etc. I take care of all the children's needs (including for the one we share).....I don't complain about this too much as I believe it is my job. I do not work outside the home right now. AH does work and I imagine his job is stressful. BUT, when you in a relationship, isn't your partner supposed to help a bit?

ASpouse

Oh my God, I hate, I mean I hate cleaning the bathroom! It is my all time least favorite thing to do in the entire world. It's odd too, because it is the room that takes the least amount of time and is really the easiest the clean! Go figure .....

I asked because you can't blame the alcoholic for chores that you hate to do?!!! Does that make sense?

I mean I wouldn't blame my husband if he never helped me with chores IF I NEVER ASKED HIM TO HELP ME? I'm not sure I'm making myself clear, but I'm trying :-)

Here's my basic principle about chores and housework ........

I try to tidy up every single day BUT if I don't, there is always tomorrow and I certainly don't stress over it. I also have a daughter who is 14 and can certainly help out with laundry and vacuuming etc. My son at 5 1/2 can help also with little chores. My son plays rec soccer, my daughter has afterschool volleyball, evening aerobics and soccer practice and we live in the country so every place you have to drive is at least a 20 minute ride to and from.

I am up at 5:15am every weekday and am done at home by 8pm .... usually sleeping by 9:30 or 10pm the latest.

If hockeymom has teenage boys at home, I don't see any reason why they can't help out, but that is getting way off topic.

I guess the way I feel about it is, one can complain about it and whine about it, or one can look at it and figure out a plan.

My next thought is if hockeymoms ah let her live in the house and he is not, where does he get off criticizing what condition the house is in? That is totally unacceptable to me and I wouldn't just vent about that, I'd tell him to keep his snide comments to himself or get his butt over there to fix the things that are bothering him!

sunshine003

Okay, I was just thinking that maybe you were saying there was a way to like it, LOL. I don't like it. I do it all and don't complain but I have wanted too. I have never asked him to help so that is why I don't complain. I haven't asked because he's made it clear that it's "my job." I also do not sweat it if I can't get it all done, I am only one person but it does stress me out sometimes. It's one thing if it's just a normal day but if it falls under one of those times where it has to be done because I'm having company or something, and the baby is clingy or the boys are asking for something at the sametime every 10 seconds, I get stressed out and feel resentful that I do it all.

I'll never forget this one time....it was probably about 5 months ago. My ex was in town so the boys were with him. We had a babysitter for the baby and went out one night. Had a wonderful time but of course, AH got drunk so when we got home, he kept me up with his talking, acting goofey, etc....it was a "good" drunk night, not a bad one. Finally, come 4 am, I told him I had to get some sleep and I fell right asleep (I'm NOT used to being up that late). I had to leave to pick my boys up around 6am. So, I got about 2 hours of sleep. I let AH sleep all morning. I went on with my day. Come about 3 pm, I asked him if he could get up with the kids so I could lay down for about an hour, that I was just so tired. I figured sleeping all day like that, he could get up for an hour (he had a hangover). He said he couldn't. I asked why? I should have left it at that but I had to ask. It was the first time since we had been together that I ever asked him to help me with the kids, that I ever asked for a nap, etc. So I wanted to know why because I felt silly. He said, "I can't do stuff like that without notice, I don't like that type of pressure." Oh how that hurt me so deeply. Not playing a victim, it truly just burned. To think, I cleaned this mans house, I cook his food, I wash his clothes, I make love to him, I adored him, I cared for him. Anytime he was hungover, I left him alone to sleep. If he weren't feeling well, I would want to help make him more comfortable, etc. If he were tired, I'd want him to lay down. But in that comment, I realized he didn't feel those things in return towards me and dammit, it hurt. I cried for hours. The next day, he tried to take it back but I knew that is really how he feels, he shows me everyday. He shows me as I'm mopping a floor holding a baby at the same time and he doesn't even say, "can I take her?" He shows me as *I* do everything with my boys and he never asks, "can I help out". He never asks because he doesn't want to. Not because I don't ask for help. See, I didn't ask for a reason, I was always afraid that if I asked, he wouldn't want too....I didn't feel that way for nothing.

ASpouse

Sunshine, all I can say is I'd love to be around your husband for 5 days ..... just 5 days ....... what a horribly big egoed butthead he sounds like. Guys like him disgust me, they really do, even if he wasn't an alcoholic.

LaTeeDa

Well, when mine was living at home, I did 90% of all the chores AND worked full time AND was the primary breadwinner. He works, but is self employed and his work is sporadic and cannot be counted on to pay the bills. But he was working most of the time so that was his excuse not to do any of the other stuff. Oh, and because he's "just not good at that kind of thing." I'm venting here because it is good for me to write this down so I can remember what I will never go back to. And also to remind myself just how far we both still have to go. I am still doing it all and I still don't like it, but I am a single mom now, so that is what I have to do. And it is easier with just two kids and not three. (The 3rd being the full-grown able-bodied baby I married!)

L

sunshine003

yeah and here I was thinking, "well maybe I don't ask enough, maybe it's my problem." But I remind myself of that story and well, it's not just me.

HockeyMom

LaTeeDa quote "because he's "just not good at that kind of thing."
- I have the opposite problem

HockeyMom

(oops, guess I hit the wrong button)

LaTeeDa - I have the opposite problem, in that my AH is very neat and tidy and has very high expectations for himself and his family. He's a binger, so between binges he always did housework, cleaning, etc. Now that I'm on my own, he just doesn't get how hard it is to keep up with everything!!!

ASpouse, so much harshness and finger-pointing....WOW! I took the opportunity to vent in this forum, simply so I could get my anger out and let it go. How can you say I'm 'holding on' to my anger, when this is the day after I first posted about my anger??! Letting go is a healing process that takes more than a day.

If you spend so much time in Al-Anon, how come you're giving so much advice? Isn't that one of the principals of Al-Anon? We don't judge one another and we don't give unsolicited advice in my groups. I can't even read your responses to my post. It just doesn't make sense. You don't know me, my husband, or our situation. How dare you tell me that my feelings are wrong.

I write in these threads for ME. It's like journaling. I can come back and read where I was last month, last year, 5 yrs ago and see if I've grown or if I'm stuck in the same rut. One thing is for sure, I AM NOT stuck in the same rut.

ASpouse

Well HockeyMom, I'm not telling you are wrong at all, nor am I giving you advice at least I don't mean to ...... but you are angry and you are hurting, that is obvious. I did say I realize that this is a "venting" thread ...... I'm just trying to put a different spin to it is all

I may not know you, but your situation is not unique ..... I know and I've heard hundreds like you, including myself long ago!

megamysterioso

Hockeymom-- it is very healthy for you to vent whatever you need to vent. Journaling your progress is important and don't be steered away!!! May the venting continue...

To my AH:

I hate the fact that you are only 30 years old and have the body of a 60 year old man. Your joints and tendons are all messed up from drunken brawls, hypertension, high cholesterol, your liver function is abnormal, pancreatic enzymes abnormal, you have some sort of anxiety disorder, sleeping disorder, have been diagnosed as "psychotic" and you have chronic heartburn and what you thought was IBS (really beer poops)!!!! I hate it that all of these ailments have been brought on by YOUR OWN alcohol abuse. I hate the fact that I'm the one footing the bill for all of these doc's appointments. I hate it that you complain, "this hurts, that hurts" and expect me to feel sorry for you! I don't feel sorry for anyone who brings this sort of pain on themselves. I think it's idiotic. I hate that you deny to high Hell that alcohol is the root of ALL these problems. I hate it that you blame your health issues on EVERYTHING else other than the alcohol. I hate it that you try to make me feel stupid for "even suggesting such a thing."