megamysterioso

I know that you relate. Yep sunshine and so will you too escape this self-created prison!!! We'll be fine.

I noticed that SMELL seems to be a recurring hate theme. I AGREE!!! LOL. I hate the way the stench of alcohol seeps out of your pores. You reek the next day! Also- blow your burps in another direction thank you!

sunshine003

LMAO about the burps. Also, not sure about yours and am not trying to be inappropriate here but for some reason, my ah is so sexually charged the next day. My theory is he feels so bad about himself afterwards, whether it's cuz he's embarrassed of how he acted, etc (he'd never admit it) that he becomes needy and wants reassurance that he's loved. That's my theory and I could be wrong but man, the alcohol smell sure doesn't put me in the mood, LOL.

ASpouse

I'm sorry, I have to ask this, perhaps I'm missing the entire point, but if this is true....

....... then why the need to "Rage On"?

Oh and you're a better person than me, because when my RAH was drinking, I wished him ill every single minute of the day when I had reached my bottom and before my recovery! I guess that is why I don't "rage on" much, never did ..... I got it out as it was happening in true living color day by day!

For me personally, venting in spurts and raising my blood pressure up and down in quick bursts did me more harm than good. I felt the anger and dealt with it on a daily basis until it was over and I could heal and recognize my triggers.

You mega, unless I totally misunderstand the story, seem to enjoy the drama in your life ....... driving him to work, picking him up, stopping what your doing for him. You demand respect and changes from him, but it doesn't seem that you demand respect and changes from yourself.

All changes, good and bad, come from within us .... not from someone else regardless of who it is. JMHO

megamysterioso

My AH is always sexually charged and the smell does not help LOL! I avoid it as much as possible.

The need to "rage on" is b/c I THINK IT'S HEALTHY (for me I know it is) and it reminds me of why I'm doing these things "for ME" these days.

I don't enjoy the drama in my life and from my perspective, I GIVE him rides to and from work to keep there from being more drama in my life. Never hear the end of it otherwise, he'll drink while he waits (spending money is the issue here b/c I AM the primary bread winner and don't want my money pissed away on over-priced draft beer bought from HIS place of employment). I am not a hateful person. I really do want him to be happy in life for the long term. I am ANGRY AS HELL though at the way things have turned out. My marriage was supposed to be for life (I know "not all things turn out the way we wish them to). Now b/c of the alcoholic BS (and believe you me- EVERY crappy moment we've had in our marriage has been alcohol-related PERIOD), my respect, love and trust for him, my husband, is GONE. I cannot regain this no matter what behaviors he changes. He still drinks by the way. I am angry that I HAVE CONTINUED TO WASTE MY TIME ON TRYING TO SAVE A DEAD MARRIAGE FOR SO LONG.

ASpouse

OK, that makes sense, but does your raging bring about the changes you would like in your life? I don't even think I'm clear on what changes you would like in your life, besides the fact I'm sure you don't want him to drink any longer.

So this would be enabling ..... making it easier for him to make it easier for you, or so you think. It certainly doesn't help his drinking does it, except make it easy for him?

So I guess my next thought is based on this quote, is why do you stay?

minnie

So, why are you still there if you feel that way?

Giving him rides so he doesn't drink only stops him from hitting in his bottom. It's called rescuing.



*edit* These mind-melds with Gabe and Judy might just drive me insane one of these days!

Ayers1995

I've been reading everyone else's posts and thought I'd chime in on the raging on!

I hate the sound of the coke can popping, the smell of the 101 and the way his eyes gloss over after 1 or 2 drinks. I hate being second in a 14 year relationship to alcohol. I hate that I have to be the strong one, the sober one to always be able to be responsible... or go get his coke to keep him from driving drunk, b/c we can't afford for him to get picked up or worse... kill someone. I hate that the liquor store doesn't even ask what he wants anymore... they just get it and ask if he want's copenhagen toooo! I hate having to be the only one standing up for our children and having to tear our family apart, because he's an alcoholic! That is my Rage!
(thanks... I feel better now)

ASpouse

Major enabling/co-dependent thinking going on in these words.

I would like to see them changed to this:

I refuse to go and get coke for him even if he gets angry and if he gets picked up or worse ... kills someone, then these are the consequences for his actions. I will stay strong in my recovery, at peace with myself and let him deal with the issues and consequences of his drinking.

ASpouse

I think you and I Minnie are at about the same stage in our own recovery, that is why we think and notice so many of the same things! Gabe is light years ahead of me!

GettingBy

Ya know Mega... I do remember what it felt like to be in your shoes. I remember being so f-in pissed off that I had to be the designated driver everytime we went out. I remember being pissed because there he was out blowing hundreds of dollars on booze, and lord only knows what else... and here I was at home without any money for groceries and an overdrawn checking account. I started out just complaining to friends/family/anyone who would listen and I'd gripe to him as well, but it never fixed things. Over time, the anger grew to the point that I would verbally snap at him... eventually it got to the point where I'd push him, and shove him, and just plain old freak out on him if he had the nerve to pass out while I was reprimanding him.

My rage ate me to pieces. I was so angry at him for all that he did to me. The more I fed my rage (by believing HE did all of this TO me) the worse the drama and chaos got in our house. It was ugly. I was ugly. I did things that I'm absolutely mortified by now. To put it simply, I had literally gone psycho. He had always called me "crazy" and there I was actually being crazy.

Raging just didn't work for me. It made me feel like crap about me. Al-anon offered me relief. It offered me an opportunity to try something different... which is what I needed because it was obvious that what I was doing WASN'T working for me, or us.

For so long I was mad because of all those things I thought he was doing to me... when in fact, he was just doing what he does (because he's an alcoholic)... and I was LETTING myself get in the way of his path of destruction. As some say, I was laying there on the tracks letting the alcoholism train keep running me over. I had to learn how to stand up and get the hell off the tracks. I learned that I didn't have to keep driving his drunk behind home... I had a choice to get my own ride, or not even go out with him. He's an adult and guess what? He very quickly figure out his own way around town... sometimes driving drunk, sometimes getting rides... either, he was left to be a "responsible" adult all on his own.

As for the money, I learned that I had to protect myself. I opened a seperate checking account, put aside money for MY groceries, my bills, the mortgage... all the things that had to get paid for ME to live. That way, when the joint checking ran dry... I was still taken care of, and he was left to face the consequences of his binges.

It's about taking care of me... and it applies to EVERY aspect of life! My MIL loves to try to "guilt" us into going to spend time with her. For the longest time, I'd go... just to make her feel better, to appease the situation. Oh, but I would be so pissed afterwards... and I would go on and on about her... but the reality was, she didn't MAKE me do anything. I went all on my own. I realized that I going there to make her happy only left me feeling like crap... so I stopped going.

I know you're angry, and I know that right now the situation hurts like hell. And just liek with the alcoholics, us as the spouses will ONLY change when we get sick of the pain and frustration of doing the same thing over and over and getting the same damn result.

When you get tired of trying things your way... considering giving the Al-anon way a shot.

HockeyMom

I'm so thankful that you went to rehab, but I HATE that I'm left with all the responsibilities. I'm hanging on by a thread here, between working FT in a stressful job, and the boys crazy hockey sked. I HATE that you come home from rehab on weekends and criticize the condition of the house. I HATE cleaning and I HATE doing laundry and I HATE that I have to do it all!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE having no money. I HATE asking our parents for help to buy groceries and clothes for growing boys.

I know this is really hard for you, emotionally and physically, quitting and dealing with life and all its trials and tribulations. I know this is the first time in your life that you've dealt with all that. BUT PLEASE can I get some recognition here? Some appreciation? WHAT ABOUT ME????????!!!!!!!!!

When do I get to go away to rehabilitate myself, my soul, and my body?

Jazzman

Every once in a while I'll get the most ridiculous email from a coworker... just plain stupid. Then I write a fantasy response email to get it off my chest, then delete it and rewrite a politically correct response. It's how I release some of the pent up frustration because I'm here to tell you, I work w/ some real winners!

Judy, let'em vent, (parp)

I hate that it was made clear to me time and time again that alcohol would always win if I forced you to choose.
I hate that you abandoned the kids.

LaTeeDa

Now that's what I'm talking about. Once you stop blaming him, you can focus on yourself. That's what I call progress!

L

ASpouse

I hate that it was made clear to me time and time again that alcohol would always win if I forced you to choose.
I hate that you abandoned the kids.
[/QUOTE]

I am Jazzman, I am. I guess I am just trying to understand how it helps in someone's recovery. I don't mean to be so tenacious in my opinions!

megamysterioso

Thanks for all your posts. Thank you for sharing Ayers, Hockeymom (I hope things get better when he is home permanantly from rehab- you need a spa day!) and Jazzman (I used to do that at my old job- the fantasy email scenario ) Thank you so much for sharing your own past Gettingby.

Yeah- LaTeeDa I think I've made quite a bit of progress since coming here. You all have been more help than you'll ever know.

To answer ASpouse's and Minnie's questions... I guess I'm waiting for some sort of "perfect" time to leave. Or I'm waiting to somehow miraculously regain the love (knowing how I am though, I doubt this will happen).

My AH can drink as much as he wants as long as it's not on my dime.

Jazzman

For me it has more to do with the "grieving a loss" process and very separate from recovering from CoDe tendencies. I think it would be hard to combine the two goals into one program. Or at least that's my take on the original thread concept. What I found to be very frustrating was no matter how I tried to communicate MY feelings, all my words fell on deaf ears.

soverysad06

i hate that i'm supposed to accept that this is some sort of disease that i should be able to be supportive and stand by my man. i will stand by him, but only if he gets help. i feel guilt, but i will not spend the next x number of years waiting for the next shoe to drop. so much i read is about people who have spent 10, 20, 30 years living with an alcoholic. i don't when he truly became an alcoholic, but i know he is now, and i know that i will not live that way and i will not let me daughter live in that kind of home. you've been drunk while caring for her at least 3 times, i kick my @ss for that. why do i have to be the understanding one? why is he allowed to guilt me with, but i have a disease, you're punishing me because i have a disease. you can everything you had before if you do one thing, stop drinking and go to rehab. i'm not asking for you left nut. i'm asking you to love us the way we love you.

LaTeeDa

That is exactly right. Otherwise, you will only be standing by him in his addiction. That is called enabling.

Best wishes,

L

cupowater

Wow! I never REALLY thought of it like that. Thanks!

HockeyMom

Oh yes! I told my AH I would stand by him in his recovery, but that I could not sit idly by and watch him destroy himself.

He tried the 'but if I had cancer, would you desert me then?' senario.

But I'm not haven' any of that!! If he had cancer, or diabetes, or epilepsy, or whatever other type of disease AND if he REFUSED to see a doctor and REFUSED to take his medication AND his disease or illness was destrying the family, destroying ME, destroying HIM and destroying the KIDS - then YES I WOULD LEAVE HIM. I know that for a fact now.

He's in rehab PARTLY because I left. I believe it was a combination of him hitting a huge personal low (losing his job, his car- things I had nothing to do with) AND me leaving (something I DEFINATELY had control over). I need to remember what a huge step it was for me to leave. How empowered I felt. I knew it was the time. I knew I had to go. AND once I packed up the house and moved most everything into storage, we both knew I really meant business.

By the Grace of God, my AH came to his senses. 'Gave' me & the kids the house to live in. (I changed the locks!). Then accepted the help that was offered to him. His mother had found this program and he contacted them and got himself in.

It's good for me to write all this, it helps me to remember where we were in August and where we are now. We've come a long way, but we (HE and I seperately and TOGETHER) have a looooong way to go.