megamysterioso

I think we are entitled. If you have lived life with an A, there is at least ONE thing that you have come to Hate about your A. I have found by reading these posts that many of you have a good grip on your feelings and have come to terms with a lot of the anger. Maybe it's b/c I'm not in any kind of official support group, but I have plenty of rage to vent. I understand that anger can be poisonous, but it is also a natural part of human nature and to deny oneself by stifling anger is just as poisonous. Guilt aside. Let's get REAL here. We have a right to be angry and there is no shame in it. We are not "bad people" for this. Please no one start your vent with "Well 'hate' is too strong of a word...". I want you to post as if you were speaking to the A in your life. It can be anything:

1. A habit
2. A deed
3. A pet peeve

Whatever so long as you are honest. If you think this is silly, I really don't. I hope you will participate b/c I think by reading each other's posts we might find a little bit more of ourselves and be able to relate it to our own lives. I learn something new every time I come here. I also think it would be rather therapeudic!! Rage away and let us begin...

I hate the fact that you don't drive and I have to cart you around EVERYWHERE like you were my child. Hello! I don't have kids for a reason. We moved into our apartment so you would be what?- 1/8 of a mile away from work- less than a 10 minute walk and you have NEVER walked the entire 3 years we've been here! I have to drop everything in the middle of my workday to come pick up your lazy, selfish, ass or risk you cussing me or running up the bar tab while you wait for me. You had a drinking and driving accident 11 years ago and drove into a telephone pole, but instead of giving up the drinking, you gave up the driving and have been bumming rides proudly ever since. What an idiot and I hate this about you! Do you even have a rock bottom?????

rivercitybelle

To my xAH & AB:
What I HATE HATE HATE is that you drink and drive!!!!
Yes I have issues with that! 24 years ago I was hit by a then not drunk .09 driver. I was 6 months pregnant! I have lived every single day since then with the back pain that on it's good days only feels like I've been hit by 2 x 4's repeatly.
Yes I have issues!!!!
DON'T DRIVE!!!! If you want to drink, that's your choice but actions have consequences - OWN YOURS!!!
To my AB:
2 DUI's in less than 6 months does mean you have a problem.
I HATE HATE HATE that you drink and drive.
I HATE HATE HATE that you make our 81 year old mother feel like a failure. :*******: Yes I know that's her guilt to own and she's a fixer who still wants to fix you. But SHE CAN'T! Only you can do that!!!
Stop drinking!
OR AT LEAST DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!!!!!

Thank you! I feel better for the vent!
Now back to working on detachment and peace - AGAIN!

equus

I think of anger and hate a bit like a train - one that is heading for a destination I don't want to be. I don't pretend it isn't there, I don't try to derail it, I don't wish it away - I just get off when I realise where I'm headed.

This is me and no train of emotion's going to carry me where I don't want to go, it's my life and I want to be who I want to be. When I've stayed on that train how I act has eventually changed and left what I believe in, my respect for my own values has slipped as I ignore them in rage - that's my self respect.

Don't stifle any emotion but be aware of where they all take you and where you really want to be - remember you're not forced to sit on any train taking you where you don't want to be, you have a right to maybe, but an even bigger right to choose.

Drunk driving, violence, crimes and a 1000 other things make me sad and angry - the act of doing them; so instead of rage I try to figure out where they come from and at least live my life better for the lesson.

Maybe it's because I have one hell of a temper - for me getting off the train works best!

goffredo

I try to acknowledge my anger as soon as I feel it and accept that is the way I feel. What I am learning to do now though is not to let anger control me, my whole being, my actions and my thoughts.

Now when I am angry I will say so, but I will be aware of the fact that I do not have to say it in an angry way, I don't have to hurt, abuse and shout in return. When I do that I feel "ugly" and even more angry.

It's ok to be angry but I want to let go of the negativity of it and not let one feeling: the anger become me.

Love Jo

minnie

Mega - what would happen if you decided not to be hubby's chauffeur anymore?

mallowcup

This has always been a mystery to me. I did a short stint in Behavioral Health, we used to call it the Mental Health Unit, I guess that wasn't sensative. Anyway, I remeber speaking to a man who was there for depression. He said his wife left him and took their kids, he lost his job, and the bank took their house back because he couldn't make the mortgage payment. He was not there for clinical depression but situational depression. This seemed like an appropriate emotion for this man to be feeling. I would think he should be in a mental health unit if all these things had happened and he was skipping around singing "skip to my loo". Without rage, there is no passion. I hate people who are composed and have issues instead of problems. Managing our anger and turning it into calm does nothing and it will lead to a nervous breakdown. People need to vent. Managing rage is one thing, pretending you don't feel it is something else. I think this leads to us being considered morons unless we can stare any abominiation in the face and smile. Screw that. People are starving in this world, women are being raped, people are drinking themselves to death, I refuse not to feel it. Who came up with this idea that anything less than being composed through any crisis means you aren't coping? They drink themselves into stupidy and if you can't deal with it, you have to go and "fix yourself". Alcoholism wasn't always considered a disease.

Kellye C

Ok, as a recovering alcoholic myself, I have to be careful of anger. Yes, it is a normal emotion and I do experience it. It is what I choose to do with it that is what is important.

Anger is a feeling. I have no control over feelings. However, if I go into a rage over it that is an action and I have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of it and possibly make an amends (which I hate doing). Acceptance is also an action and if I can let the anger come, look at it and then decide to accept whatever caused it as something that I have no control over then I can let it go and it loses its power over me. Letting it become a resentment is also an action and if I allow this then I hurt myself and risk the possibility of drinking again.

So.................... I feel angry, the question is what do I do with it?

A little bit different perspective but reality for this recovering alcoholic. At times of the worst anger is when I have to say the Serenity Prayer slowly and determine if this is something I can change or I can't. If I can't then I have to let it go or it will kill me. If it is something that I can then I have to pray for the courage and wisdom to do so.

Hugs,
Kellye

cupowater

I hate that he is just plane an A!!!!! That he makes up lame excuses to go to the bar (even the day of my surgery) Going for cigeretts, it's tuesday, (Wed, Thurs, etc) I won't be too long, (and comes back 4 hours later) I hate that his body odor gags me. That it is like living with Eor (from Whinny the Pooh) always seeing the glass half empty! I could probably go on, but I will stop there.

equus

That's sad. Thankfully it wouldn't include me though - I have problems and issues - many issues that I made a problem too. I think choosing how to live doesn't mean denying reality or feelings - actually I think it's the opposite. It's the reality of what anger leads to that motivates me not to stay with it longer than needed, or so long that I'm pulled off my own track.

I look at the starvation in the world and I think it exists because of our fear to have less. I doubt there's one of us that doesn't know the money we spend on this 'thing' could be used to actually feed people, yet we spend it on 'stuff'. I think we do so because lack of 'stuff' is what we've been taugt to see as poverty and that's something I know I can be fearful of.

Fear as real as anger can and mostly does take me away from the direction I want to travel.

As for hatred - to hate, where that has led I think have been the worst tradgedies in human history. It's so pointless because we are all more alike than different and in the end we see in others what exists within us, if we learn to hate how can we avoid at somepoint hating ourselves?

megamysterioso

Equus said,

Ok, this thread is turning into something I hoped it wouldn't. So far, only posts from rivercity and cupowater have hit the nail on the head here. I think what everyone has to say is important, but the point of this is that SOMETIMES anger motivates a person to change the situation for the better- it puts you on the track. It is only when I am angry do I feel I have the will to pull myself away from my AH. When I sugarcoat this feeling and work on "coping," my AH repeats his cycle of drunken insanity which furthers MY RAGE. Doesn't our rage count for something here????

If you think I am verbally abusive to my AH at home, you are dead wrong. In fact, I'm very accomodating and "peaceful." I know I don't have control and have accepted that, but it still doesn't mean that I am not entitled to feel anger when he breaks yet another promise to me. The point is, there are MANY things we don't and can't say at home, so lets say it here!!!!!

GettingBy

For me, anger and rage put me on the wrong decision making track. I tend to regret decisions I've made in a fit of rage. I'm not thinking straight. I'm letting my emotions dictate... and that, for me, is a recipe for disaster.

The phrase H.A.L.T... Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired... helps me. When I'm any of the four, it's a signal to me that I'm not taking care of me. I've let my priorities slip.

Sure, I get angry about things, but then, like others have said, I realize where the angry is coming from, think about what I can do to change the situation... and then move on.

Sorry this didn't go where you want it... but I don't think feeding anger is healthy for me.

My 2 cents.
Shannon

miss communicat

I actually LIKE the direction this thread is going. Plus, it is out of our control where it is going.

To believe that anger is the only motivator for positive healthy change and growth is a limited view, at best. Long held anger, becomes an addiction, with its own brain chemistry and is toxic. Anger, pet peeves, wounds that we nurse over and over, are sensation - rich events and processes and they keep us stuck in our own emotional recovery.

To ask for others to commiserate with you is understandable.

But, frankly, I'd prefer to encourage you to make healthy changes. Outgrow the relationship. Make a clean break. Look at yourself not him.
Just my 2 cents worth.

sunshine003

mega, you're angry. I realize it's where you are right now, it's a part of your journey, your own process. Who knows where this process will end or lead you? I KNOW you want it to lead you out the door. I know you do not want to be with your husband, at least, that's what you have said here. He breaks promises, he drinks too much, he isn't all that nice AND he expects a lot from you. Now, why are you still there? When will you leave? You are not bound to this man, you aren't his mother, you do not have any of his children? When will you just look at him and tell him it's time to talk about an exit plan? You do not owe him anything.

Now, I get why you're mad, truly, I do. Do something about your anger though. Stop driving him around if it makes you mad. Tell him you resent having to drive him around and that he can walk, you have things to do. Start with that one thing and then don't worry about how he reacts, itisn't your problem.

So, what angers me? denial angers me. drunk driving angers me....if he killed someone, I don't know hwo I'd ever look at him again. lies anger me.

But, I don't have rage. I don't "go off". my anger is fleeting. I don't have enough energy for it, literally, LOL. I do have a lot of sadness though. To me, anger is just a mask for something else....sort of like guilt. Anger can be fear or a loss of control...anger can be saddness, so many things. I sort of skip the anger and go straight to the sadness. I wish I held onto the anger a little longer.

equus

But are you sure it's the anger that does that? Although it might seem that way I'd argue there's always more to you than anger. Anger has a habit of taking centre stage while we forget all the wisdom and compassion we have, but I don't think those things go anywhere - I think it is just we lose sight of them when angry. Those things are in you even when they are out of sight and I think with all us humans it's them not rage that makes us act for the good.

I didn't think you were abusive at home, I sure as hell don't think anger makes a person bad! If you read my post yesterday there's anger towards our health system in me, but it binds me pointlessly. When I manage to hop off the rage train I can focus on what I can actually DO, then it's surprising what opportunities there are.

If anger meant we became bad I think I might be the baddest one here, what I learned about anger was from my experience of it and ain't no way in hell you'd ever find me saying it isn't real.

megamysterioso

Miss, I didn't say anger was the only motivator. I know it's not and shouldn't be and that it is most oftentimes "unhealthy" blah blah blah. Yeah- there is no control over where the thread is going and it really doesn't matter I guess. At least we are all sharing something here. I thought that this would be a good way for a lot of people to vent. I am not Ghandi.

Cap3

Change my thoughts,
And my whole world changes.
in al-anon,changed attitudes helps aid,in recovery.
This ive taken,this to heart.Had to because my anger/rage never changed anyone.It changed me though.I was an angry person most of the times.Even when another wasnt drinking or anything.because anger,e-x-p-a-n-d-s.Its in all that i do.Or getting angry over the same things over and over again.Stuffing anger is dangerous.Got to let it out.Where does anger come from?it comes from my own thoughts,first.Change my thoughts,anger goes.Learning new enhancing thoughts.Wars are started with justifible anger.I realize today that no one did anything to me,that i need to be angry about.It was all their behaviour.They own it,not me.To get angry over anothers behaviour/words,when i cant change them?Lifes just too short,for this.I do get angry time to time,and i stop,and take action.If i cant do something,then i let it go,like its poision.because it is poision,to me who cant handle it.Broken friendships,ulcers,hurting myself.Anger is just too costly for me to keep.its a tool that i use today to take action.And let it go,like fly,waste...lol...St.Francis prayer helps me alot.To keep my focus on understanding,folks,helping others.This is where i want to be...
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!

sunshine003

mega, you have a right to your anger. Everyone here has been stuck or started out with some sort of emotion. But lots of people have moved passed it and they aren't able to revisit it in the same way. They remember it, when they were out of control, etc but they don't feel the same about it. I can't wait for you and I to be at that point. Then, I don't have to go on adn on about how AH lies, LOL. We'll get there.

Don't think anyone is saying you dont' have a right to be mad....they remember how it was for them. They just aren't at the same place anymore.

I for one, can relate to your frustration. Althoughour stories are different, we're at a similar place.

sunshine003

oh heres one for you mega:

I hate the day after ah really tied one on. I hate how he lays in bed, unable to move or get up because he feels so awful. What's worse, he looks awful. His eyes all read, he looks all greasy and beyond that, HE SMELLS like stale alcohol and it lingers in teh entire room. But he always is trying to hug all over me when he's like this. I HATE that. I can't stand for him to hug all over me with that stale alcohol smell. But of course, I don't tell him that but it makes me cringe.

harleygirl92156

I hate anger. I lived with it for most of my life and just realized recently why. Anger has its rightful place in anyones life, but not ALL the time. I prided my self on being a strong person, so when someone hurt me, it came out as anger. I had to learn to sort out what I was really feeling.

Anger ususally has another feeling behind it that came first. Fear, hurt, scared, sad, etc. Find the feeling that came before the anger and that is the true feeling you need to address.

Am I angry, yes, angry that my husband endured such pain in his life that the only way he knew to ease the pain was pour alcohol on it. I am angry at the people who caused him this pain.

gelfling

At this stage of my life, I have released the anger, but have in the past totally related to the rage and anger issues. I think it's totally normal. So Mega, I think that expressing your emotions is good. I would have given anything to have had a site like this 20 years ago. I had no one to talk to. I didn't want to get angry around our son.

Now, I can blow off things that would have raised my blood pressure. That's part of the gift of recovery for myself. I hope that one day you'll reach this point. It's a blessing to be able to observe and not react.

Hang in there!!!