the truth shall set you free....really?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
the truth shall set you free....really?
Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts.
I left work early yesterday to go to the hotel to pick up Johns bags
to take them to him in the hospital.
I was about 15 minutes on the road, I called the hotel to make sure
he let them know I was picking his stuff up. Clerk said yes he did and it was
waiting for me. Naturally, he is really good at making sure he has
what he needs. I then called him to let him know I was on my way.
I asked him if he knew what he was going to do yet when he got out of the
hospital. He said he didn't know. I said you must have some idea. He said he would probably go back to NY because of his son.
For some crazy reason, truth be told, that is not what I wanted to hear.
I told him I didn't like being used as a livery service, he said "don't come then"
and hung up on me.
I pulled over off the road right before I was to get on the intersate.
I thought what the hell am I doing.
I turned the car around and went back home.
I called him back to tell him I wasn't coming and he said "fine" and hug up again.
On the way home I stopped at the pub, just couldn't go home and be
alone. When I walked in a friend came up to me to tell me a mutual friend had
passed away on Monday (he was 50) and the service is Saturday.
Not what I needed to hear.
John called this morning. I told him I was sorry for reacting the way I did.
However, I wasn't sorry for not coming to the hospital. I told him I understood why he wanted to go back to NY. I wouldn't be able to be
away from my kids so I understand.
I am numb right now. I don't know if it was everything you guys said to
me yesterday or my HP red flagging me on my drive. I just knew that a 120
mile round trip wasn't worth my time.
I have to face the truth. He is sick, he will be living over 1000 miles from me and he is not available.
I can not stress it enough. No contact is really the only way to get over
someone. I was doing so much better when I didn't know. There is something to be said for ignorance. I am now back at Step One. I am powerless and I know this. I can't handle the idea that he is still here,
I want him to go back to NY maybe then I can get on with my life....
I have really taken some steps backward.....I am feeling really down today.
All I can think is Patty what is wrong with you.......
I left work early yesterday to go to the hotel to pick up Johns bags
to take them to him in the hospital.
I was about 15 minutes on the road, I called the hotel to make sure
he let them know I was picking his stuff up. Clerk said yes he did and it was
waiting for me. Naturally, he is really good at making sure he has
what he needs. I then called him to let him know I was on my way.
I asked him if he knew what he was going to do yet when he got out of the
hospital. He said he didn't know. I said you must have some idea. He said he would probably go back to NY because of his son.
For some crazy reason, truth be told, that is not what I wanted to hear.
I told him I didn't like being used as a livery service, he said "don't come then"
and hung up on me.
I pulled over off the road right before I was to get on the intersate.
I thought what the hell am I doing.
I turned the car around and went back home.
I called him back to tell him I wasn't coming and he said "fine" and hug up again.
On the way home I stopped at the pub, just couldn't go home and be
alone. When I walked in a friend came up to me to tell me a mutual friend had
passed away on Monday (he was 50) and the service is Saturday.
Not what I needed to hear.
John called this morning. I told him I was sorry for reacting the way I did.
However, I wasn't sorry for not coming to the hospital. I told him I understood why he wanted to go back to NY. I wouldn't be able to be
away from my kids so I understand.
I am numb right now. I don't know if it was everything you guys said to
me yesterday or my HP red flagging me on my drive. I just knew that a 120
mile round trip wasn't worth my time.
I have to face the truth. He is sick, he will be living over 1000 miles from me and he is not available.
I can not stress it enough. No contact is really the only way to get over
someone. I was doing so much better when I didn't know. There is something to be said for ignorance. I am now back at Step One. I am powerless and I know this. I can't handle the idea that he is still here,
I want him to go back to NY maybe then I can get on with my life....
I have really taken some steps backward.....I am feeling really down today.
All I can think is Patty what is wrong with you.......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
If going through all of that lets you be at peace with your decision then maybe one day you'll be glad.
Until then I hope you get a good nights rest, some cuddles from your boys and maybe a cup of coco.
Take care Patty.
Until then I hope you get a good nights rest, some cuddles from your boys and maybe a cup of coco.
Take care Patty.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Thank you both...I am not at peace, I am hating life at the moment.
I have NO choice it is what it is.
Alcohol plays into this
Geography plays into this
I am mad at myself for being so stupid to have even gotten into this mess.
I wanted the truth
I got it.
All I can do is cry.
I have NO choice it is what it is.
Alcohol plays into this
Geography plays into this
I am mad at myself for being so stupid to have even gotten into this mess.
I wanted the truth
I got it.
All I can do is cry.
Binge poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by pmaslan
Equus I am in a very dark place right now.
I have not moved forward at all.
It has been a sham.
I feel all of the pain and hurt again.
It has not gone away.
I just can't let go.
I have not moved forward at all.
It has been a sham.
I feel all of the pain and hurt again.
It has not gone away.
I just can't let go.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
All I can think is Patty what is wrong with you.......
I find myself at Step One almost everyday. Doesn't mean I'm back to where I was a year or two ago... just means I've found something new to be powerless over.
Hang in there and this too shall pass!
Thoughts are with you today Patty!
Shannon
P.S. I'm really proud of you for not going to the hospital! That's recovery at it's best Patty!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
(((Patty)))
You said you feel all the pain and hurt again, and that only makes sense. You're having to leave him all over again. You are having to go through all the emotions of leaving someone you love. You're having to find that strength once again to go against your heart, a feat that was probably hard enough to do just once in your life. So yes, I'm sure it sucks. My best consolation at this time is that you have done this once before, so this time, you are armed with the knowledge that you can move on. Because you've walked the path, you won't get as lost as you might have the first time. I know that doesn't make it any more fun, but maybe it will help a bit.
You said you feel all the pain and hurt again, and that only makes sense. You're having to leave him all over again. You are having to go through all the emotions of leaving someone you love. You're having to find that strength once again to go against your heart, a feat that was probably hard enough to do just once in your life. So yes, I'm sure it sucks. My best consolation at this time is that you have done this once before, so this time, you are armed with the knowledge that you can move on. Because you've walked the path, you won't get as lost as you might have the first time. I know that doesn't make it any more fun, but maybe it will help a bit.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by pmaslan
=All I can think is Patty what is wrong with you......
I'm proud of you!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
(((Patty)))..........can't say much more than that you are in my prayers. (I'm feeling the same way you are today. 
I hope you feel better VERY SOON!
I'm trying to drag myself to the treadmill.........haha. I'll let you know if it helps!
I hope you feel better VERY SOON!I'm trying to drag myself to the treadmill.........haha. I'll let you know if it helps!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Minnie, he said he would go to the VA in New York. His 11 year old son lives there.
I can understand him wanting to be near his son. He has already missed the last
5-6 years of his life.
He just called me. He asked me what I want. I go back and forth in my mind of
what I want. I am confused. I know life for me would change drastically if he
were to stay here. I don't know if am ready for that.
If I could have it my way, which is doubtful, it would be this:
He would go to the VA here.
He would recover and we would live happily ever after.
I guess I grew up with to many Walt Disney movies just like Jazzman.
I can understand him wanting to be near his son. He has already missed the last
5-6 years of his life.
He just called me. He asked me what I want. I go back and forth in my mind of
what I want. I am confused. I know life for me would change drastically if he
were to stay here. I don't know if am ready for that.
If I could have it my way, which is doubtful, it would be this:
He would go to the VA here.
He would recover and we would live happily ever after.
I guess I grew up with to many Walt Disney movies just like Jazzman.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
(((Patty)))
Im so sorry it hurts hon... BUT, maybe this is just what you needed. I know when I went back a year ago.. It hurt again, but I also noticed that nothing had changed. I kept doing the what if dance before that time and was not really... deep down.... able to let go and move on.
I pray that is what happens for you! After that relapse I was able to find the real strength ... to focus on my recovery, to go no contact without the what ifs....
Not that I dont slip now and again, but its SO much better.... dont worry the hurt will go away, quicker this time then the last...and the embarresment of almost getting sucked back in will go away too.
I have to say though Im SO proud of you for seeing it and not going to the hospital.... That is wonderful recovery... so see your not back at step one... just a refresher.
Im so sorry it hurts hon... BUT, maybe this is just what you needed. I know when I went back a year ago.. It hurt again, but I also noticed that nothing had changed. I kept doing the what if dance before that time and was not really... deep down.... able to let go and move on.
I pray that is what happens for you! After that relapse I was able to find the real strength ... to focus on my recovery, to go no contact without the what ifs....
Not that I dont slip now and again, but its SO much better.... dont worry the hurt will go away, quicker this time then the last...and the embarresment of almost getting sucked back in will go away too.
I have to say though Im SO proud of you for seeing it and not going to the hospital.... That is wonderful recovery... so see your not back at step one... just a refresher.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 115
Patty
you say you have taken some steps backward. From where I'm standing you're going forward.
1) What you did in not going to deliver his stuff was great as you considered the situation and CHOSE TO PRIORITISE you!
2) When you thought you had been harsh and reacting at the news he wanted to go back to NY, you apologised: that shows maturity, sensitivity, compassion and detachment with love and handing it over to your HP. (Step 2)
3) You say you needed to go back to Step 1 and accept that you're powerless over his didease. (step 1)
4) You didn't get manipulated by his reaction on the phone when you said you weren't going. (you kept your boundary safe)
5) You accept that the best thing for you is to live far away from him so that you can get on with your life (acceptance)
I call all of the above a great example of recovery and massive progress. Congratulations!
Don't beat yourself up, relax, and if i were you I'd vie myself a treat. sorry for your friend passing away.
Love Jo
you say you have taken some steps backward. From where I'm standing you're going forward.
1) What you did in not going to deliver his stuff was great as you considered the situation and CHOSE TO PRIORITISE you!
2) When you thought you had been harsh and reacting at the news he wanted to go back to NY, you apologised: that shows maturity, sensitivity, compassion and detachment with love and handing it over to your HP. (Step 2)
3) You say you needed to go back to Step 1 and accept that you're powerless over his didease. (step 1)
4) You didn't get manipulated by his reaction on the phone when you said you weren't going. (you kept your boundary safe)
5) You accept that the best thing for you is to live far away from him so that you can get on with your life (acceptance)
I call all of the above a great example of recovery and massive progress. Congratulations!
Don't beat yourself up, relax, and if i were you I'd vie myself a treat. sorry for your friend passing away.
Love Jo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Patty,
Sorry this hurts so much. I've been thru that pain with my ex-wife. It's a horrible nightmare. I don't think you've taken a step back at all. You were able to stop yourself from driving all the way over to do the luggage thing. That is definetly an improvement in how you take care of _you_. You are aware of all these behaviors that are harmful to you, and that is also a huge improvement. You have a whole bunch of codies over here that care about you, pray about you, and are willing to listen to you. You didn't have that support system before.
You are on the road to recovery. Along with all the rest of us. The pain will quickly fade as you "keep on keeping on". Just do what we do, and that's focus on today. Focus just on what you can do for _you_ today. Tomorrow you can worry about tomorrow.
Mike :-)
Sorry this hurts so much. I've been thru that pain with my ex-wife. It's a horrible nightmare. I don't think you've taken a step back at all. You were able to stop yourself from driving all the way over to do the luggage thing. That is definetly an improvement in how you take care of _you_. You are aware of all these behaviors that are harmful to you, and that is also a huge improvement. You have a whole bunch of codies over here that care about you, pray about you, and are willing to listen to you. You didn't have that support system before.
You are on the road to recovery. Along with all the rest of us. The pain will quickly fade as you "keep on keeping on". Just do what we do, and that's focus on today. Focus just on what you can do for _you_ today. Tomorrow you can worry about tomorrow.
Mike :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Cynay, Jo & Mike.......
thank you all for the kind words an encouragement.
Today is hard for me, hell the last 2 weeks since all of this
started again has been hard on me.
I am making myself physically sick with my thoughts today.
I just want to leave work and go home and get in my bed.
I don't want to deal with anything today.
I am afraid of myself today and what I might do.
This is terrifing for me.
I am a pathetic mess today.
thank you all for the kind words an encouragement.
Today is hard for me, hell the last 2 weeks since all of this
started again has been hard on me.
I am making myself physically sick with my thoughts today.
I just want to leave work and go home and get in my bed.
I don't want to deal with anything today.
I am afraid of myself today and what I might do.
This is terrifing for me.
I am a pathetic mess today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((patty)) - sorry i didn't respond sooner - meetings & work (blahhhh!)
i agree with the others that said you did not step backward. you could have made that trip and been sucked in even further by seeing him. awareness is key, as mike said, even if we still exhibit some of the funky behaviors. i'll be home this evening if you want to talk.
i agree with the others that said you did not step backward. you could have made that trip and been sucked in even further by seeing him. awareness is key, as mike said, even if we still exhibit some of the funky behaviors. i'll be home this evening if you want to talk.
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