how do i detatch with love???

Old 02-16-2006, 10:53 AM
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how do i detatch with love???

I get this when it comes to most things in my life but when it comes to my AH its hard.. I would love some thoughts on how to make it work>> Thanks Mary
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Old 02-16-2006, 11:03 AM
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Hi Mary

This one is hard for me too... For me it actually believing step one, Im powerless over them... Knowing this is a disease and understanding that I dont have to get caught up in the Chaos.

Detaching with Love just allows them to make their choices and live their lives.... and allows me to step aside when Chaos begins. I dont engage in the fight, I dont listen to the lies (quacking) and most of all I focus on myself, what I can do for myself today.

Are you going to Ala-non or some type of support??? It really helps
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Old 02-16-2006, 11:49 AM
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I think that detachment ultimately erodes love. It has for me anyway. When you detach, you see things in a clearer light- for what they truly are. You let the A make their own decisions and live with the consequences. You don't preach or plead, you just let them be and look out for yourself. It is VERY difficult to see the person you love make the same mistakes over and over and over again without losing respect for that person. It is VERY difficult to have your spouse break promises to you over and over and over again without losing trust in that person. How can there be love after this? Detachment is necessary for self-preservation though which must be your first priority. You cannot help this person and you will fight a losing battle so long as you continue to try.
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Old 02-16-2006, 12:11 PM
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Here's an interesting reading... something that has helped me as I struggled first with learning detachment, and then trying to figure out how to do it with love!

"I tried so hard to learn detachment. Living with active alcoholism was confusing, and the idea of detachment seemed so vague. The alcoholic in my life was a restless sleeper who fell out of bed almost every night. Feeling it my duty, I would always help him back into bed. One night, after attending Al-anon meetings for awhile, I stepped over his body and got into bed, leaving him on the floor. Triumphantly, I went to my next meeting and told them, "I finally learned detachment!" "Well," they said, "that's not exactly what we meant. We meant detachment with love."

I left that meeting with a new understanding that I put into practice the very next time my loved one fell out of bed. When I found him on the floor, I still didn't help him into bed. But I did put a blanket over him before stepping over his body and going to bed myself. This, to me, was detachment with love."
and another favorite of mine....
Detachment. At first it may sound cold and rejecting, not loving at all. But I have come to believe that detachment is actually a wonderful gift: I am allowing my loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves.

I do not wish to interfere with anyone's opportunities to discover the joy and self-confidence that can accompany personal acheivements. If I am constantly intervening to protect them from painful experiences, I also do them a great disservice. As Mark Twain said, "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."

I find it painful to watch another person suffer or head down a road I believe leads to pain. Many of my attempts to rescue others have been prompted by my desire to avoid this pain. Today I'm learning to experience my own fear, grief, and anguish. This helps me to be willing to trust the same growth process in others, because I know first-hand about the gifts it can bring.
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Old 02-16-2006, 02:07 PM
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Detachment doesn't erode love, it erodes dependency.

I didn't get to detatch with love. Because once I detached, I realised there was no love only a sick game. On both sides. The difference is that I no longer play that game, nor do I want to.
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Old 02-16-2006, 02:18 PM
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I have to agree with Minnie. If there is love there to begin with, detachment does not erode it. In fact, when I was an active codependent, my love for AH was dying every day. All the disappiontment, disgust, blame, and resentment were killing what love I had left for him. After he left, I still felt all those things, but without him there every day, I had the chance to really work on recovery and examine why I felt the way I did. Turns out I was blaming him for everything, including my pain. Once I was able to detach with love, and get rid of the blame, I realized that I do love him and I always will. No matter what happens, whether he recovers or not, I love him enough to let him go. He does not deserve to be controlled by me any more than I deserve to be manipulated by him.

When I realized this, that is when I discovered what "detaching with love" meant.

L
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Old 02-16-2006, 03:15 PM
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I had to learn that attachment wasn't love. I had to understand that and when I did I could put my energy into love rather than the more painful and less functional attachment.
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Old 02-17-2006, 02:22 AM
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I have to agree with maramax - detaching with love from your partner is the hardest. You watch them doing stuff you know will not help them, or just get them mired deeper into their own feelings of low self-worth, resentments, anger with the themselves and the world, procrastinating stuff that maybe might help - and you have to stand back and take a hands-off approach. It's soo difficult.
I have to clamp my mouth shut and resist the urge to do his stuff for him, even down to making phone calls etc.
And this applies not just to active As - 13 years sober in AA and attending plenty of meetings doesn't mean the behaviours go away. Some get it, some don't. He struggles and will not seek extra help or a sponsor.
Some just never matured in the adult sense and avoid responsibility.
Sometimes when i detach i don't get it right and detach in anger or resentment.
And then I worry - how to tell love from attachment? i don't know.
When I see the lovely side of him I feel love, but the ranting perfectionist who's an expert on the world? I find it hard to feel love for him when he's like this.
It's a daily struggle sometimes.
I try to change my reactions and sometimes it works, but it's not a magic wand.
Still working on it tho..I don't give up easily!
S
x
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Old 02-17-2006, 07:44 AM
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Thanks everyone

for me its hard to understand detatchment with love in our day to day life. I know that my old reactions are not working and I need to react different but sometimes I am not sure what that means. I don't want to fall back into my old patterns but I am not sure how to react to things. I also am finding it hard when it comes to things with the kids. My sponsor said to try thinking of as not detaching but respect with love. I kind of understand that because I need to let him make his our mind up about things and to stay out of it. I will keep reading and trying to understanding it. Thanks everyone
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