Pick-a-name

I'm up (again) too.......cup of tea. We must be having similar days today...ugh!

Hope tomorrow is a better one for you!

Beautiful

Clear as a bell to me. My lightbulb moment was when I had my car accident last summer. I could barely lift my head off the pillow for a few weeks, let alone do anything else. I still struggle with some after effects.

AH gave me 3 squares for 3 DAYS and my parents took our kids because it was "too much" for him to handle.

Poor, poor, AH. Jerk.

That was the defining moment for me. Life has to offer something better than this sh*t he's trying to frost and tell me it's lobster.

I understand desiring companionship. What I think is being said is that you need to set up your own support system so that you are approaching your relationships from a position of empowerment and not out of the converse negative, need.

Pick-a-name

Well said.

JessicaNAJ

Today is no better. I'm still down in the dumps. I did manage to make it through the work day though.

I called my best friend and told her what was going on....I'll have to write later to tell you all what she said. I think it was good advice.

Right now, I have to take my son to the Dr and see if I can get ahold of G to get these d@mn taxes out of the way.

StandingStrong

Tell me again - honestly - why are you waiting for G to do his taxes with you?

JessicaNAJ

He needed the money to pay his rent and the only way he'd get money back on his return was if he filed with me. I agreed and was ok with that.

It was a mistake. He was acting like an unruley child while I was figuring out our taxes with the tax lady (I don't know what they're called). I'm trying to figure out how to get more money back ie filing seperate, joint, married. He just wanted to get the check and get out of there so he could get gas, food and cigarettes (and probably beer). On the way home, I asked him how much he was figuring he'd need. He started getting short with me. Unloading his frustrations, F this, F that. I took it as, I'm trying to help and you are talking to me like sh!t. I yelled at him (I hit my limit)...I told him to stop talking to me like that. I'm trying to help and blah blah blah. That was the wrrrronnnggg thing to do. He went balistic. I told him he could have the check. I didn't care. If he needed that bad he could have it. He kept going and kept going....shooting off at the mouth. Told me to never yell at him like that again. I started crying, he was still being rude. I had enough and pulled over and told him to get out. The kids started crying, "daddy, daddy." I went back to get him, got something to eat and went home.

Before he got out of the car he sarcastically said, "Bye Jessie. Do you have something nice to say to me Jessie?" I didn't respond. He shut the door and I left. I cried all the way home.

Then...dummy me, called him back to ask him why he was so cold hearted to me. We talked for about 30 minutes on the phone. I told him this pain I was feeling wasn't his fault. It was mine. I was creating my own pain for chasing a dream that doesn't exist. He asked me what changed? Why now? I told him I was trying to reach out for him before he got too far away. He said it may be too late....he may already be too far gone.

I told him that I grew up. I don't want that lifestyle in my house, around my kids. He said then I shouldn't go out. blah blah blah....(it led to the conversation where G said....so I shouldn't be able to go out with my friends every six months or so. I told him that would be his choice, and it would be up to me to trust that he wouldn't drink, that he is sick and if he drank one drop he'd go right back to drinking. and if that happened, it'd be on.) He said no one is going to tell him what he can and cannot do. I told him I wasn't telling him that, I was telling him what I will and will not accept and I won't accept that lifestyle. That it was up to him to decide if he could accept that. He asked me if he were to ask me to quit doing something, would I do it? I said yes. He asked for how long? I told him that if something was causing a barrier in our marriage, like his drinking was, I would quit for the rest of my life if I was able. I told him he needs to decide what he wants. And if this is the lifestyle he wants, to let me know. That I will walk away and he'd never hear from me again.

Blah......I wasted my breath, didn't I? I really don't like my heart at this moment.


Oh....the word "can't" was brought up. He said that word was for counselors and Doctor's and close minded people. I told him that he must be close minded then because Saturday night, he told me that he "can't" go there, and "can't do xyz".

FormerDoormat

Jess:

You leave your children with G when you're uncomfortable doing so. He chooses to drink rather than work, so you give him money. He chooses to spend the money you give him on booze rather than on his rent. Then he insists that he needs to file a joint tax return with you so he can pay his rent. He guilts you into giving him the entire tax return. He mistreats you on the ride home, so you put him out of the car. But then you turn around and rescue him. He makes you crazy, yet you call him and start the process all over again.

It's the Jessica and G dance. He leads, you follow. His family life is in shambles. His professional life is in shambles. His finances are in shambles. His health probably is, too.

You follow his lead by rescuing him, and rescuing him, and rescuing him again and again. The record plays over and over again. It's a song that never ends, and the dance goes on and on. The room is spinning, your head is spinning, your life is spinning out of control, and yet you still continue to dance.

When will this madness end?

When you decide you've had enough. When you stop calling him. When you stop rescuing him. When you stop giving him money. When you stop following his lead. When you stop reaching for the fantasy and start to see what is. He's not your prince charming. He's human and he's sick. He's an alcoholic and his life is a mess.

He can't take care of himself, so he certainly can't take care of you. It's time to give up the fantasy Jess. There's only one person who can take care of you, and that's YOU!

ICU

Very well said FD! Excellent!!

Jess,

FD is right on the money! She refers to it as the G and Jess dance. I was going to call it the cat and mouse game. Same thing really, just different terminology.

He's sick, can't take care of himself let alone anyone else. Sooner or later, and I truly hope for your sake it's sooner, the reality of it all has to sink in. I think your head already knows this. But it's your heart that won't let go and has trouble accepting 'what is' vs. 'what you want'. We've all been there too so please don't feel like we're kicking you when you're down.

It's a very, very hard thing to do to accept reality sometimes. I used to live by "follow your heart; it will never lead you wrong"!!! That kind of message messed me up and kept me in bad situations way too long! I had to let go of a bad relationship but before I did that, I had to realize just how very f'd up that message was - 'follow your heart' - 'listen to your heart'! Once I replaced that with 'listen to my gut; it will never lead you wrong' I was able to finally let go. And yes, I admit, I teetered back and forth for a long time. But once I changed the terminology in my head, it became much more clear to me, and I was finally able to do what I should have done a long time ago - give it up once and for all!

Your gut is screaming at you Jess and has been for a very long time now. Just like the rest of us, only you can decide when you are ready. But once you are ready, they'll be no stopping you, no going back. And you know what? You won't want to go back - only forward!

(((Jess)))

Beautiful

Well said, FD!!!!

mallowcup

You are going to wind up having your children taken away. People are watching, your kids are going to talk. The yelling, language and fighting when you are driving with the kids in the car is unacceptable behavior. It's going to be that simple and that final.

LaTeeDa

Not only that, but the children will come to believe that this is what a marriage is, and they will grow up and repeat the cycle. And on and on it goes.

I know we all say it over and over, but please detach.

L

brightlight

You have a lot of good advice here. I feel like your husband is like mine. If I kicked my husband out he would do just as yours. He would have a little room somewhere and he would drink all the time, but be happy if he could see the kids whenever he wanted. He would go to work, go to the bar, go home and pass out, and when he wanted to see the kids he would and when he got tired of them he would bring them back. I made up my mind that if I did leave him or he left me that I would move far far away and I would. There is no way I would watch this nightmare. Drive down the street and see him walking in or out of the bar and kids waving there is Daddy! I want Daddy! They could not stand to have him drop them off and drive away. Even to just see him drive by in a car and know he has a can of beer in his lap or just had some before drinking and driving and no way I could let them go with him. He went to the grocery store last night after drinking a can of beer. I do not want him taking the kids anywhere if he has been drinking. When you said he got a roommate that got out of jail I thought NOOOOOO! You do not want your kids seen around a place like that. If you ever hit him and the police are called then they will take the kids. I remember the night I slapped my husband in the bar and the bartender called the police and my kids were in the truck. I could have had trouble if my husband had not acted stupid then they would have took me and took the kids, but he did not show his drivers license when they asked him and did not do what he was told, so they handcuffed him and I was the nice person and they told me I could go. I was saying yes sir and no sir, and the policeman said my husband did not belong in the bar and should be home with his family. Boy he gave my husband a look. He was lucky they let him go. I am a lot more careful. I am not going to do anything like that again. Things sort of got better with us. He will not drink for a week or even 2 and then go to the bar and then I get mad and the next day and I do not talk and then we are okay. He has been going to church and I even was going to start a post about men and reading the Bible. I was thinking that was helping and it is, but out of the blue last night he brought beer home and drank here in front of us reading the Bible. I was mad, but kept quiet. He was reading to the kids, but after an hour they got tired and wanted to stop, but he went on and on. He drank a tall can of beer and a 6-pack of bottles. He did not talk drunk or walk drunk. My son did not realize how much he drank, but my daughter did and I do not want her to see that. I have to decide if is it better he drink across the street at the bar and stay there until we go to bed and then not be mad the next day or have him drink in the house. I think drinking across the street is better. I am not sure what he was trying to do last night, but he planned it and decided to do this. If it was not for the kids then I would be gone in a minute. I am sick of it, but they want him in their life, but if it got too bad then I would move far away. I also want somebody to be there for me and help. My husband does work, but he only pretends to be interested in how I am. About an hour or so before going to the bar he will call me from work and talk and talk. He will talk about all the subjects I like. He will say he will be home in a few minutes or something and then never shows up. Goes to the bar until we are asleep. I do not have much advice for you, except about the kids and being mad at him. I react just like you do, so I have made sure I keep my cool and if I know he is drinking he is not allowed in the house until we are asleep. It has worked for over 6 months. I got real tough with him and he decided he better stay away when drinking, but for some reason he brought beer in the house last night and decided he was going to try this and now I am MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I am going to tell him I do not care if he goes to the bar and just go and stay away from us when drinking. I think he thinks he has money to do this because we both stopped bowling to save money. He thinks he is rich and can drink all he wants.

brightlight

I just read my post again and I sound just like I did over a year ago when I joined here. He drinks when he darn well wants and I can be mad, sad, scream, hit, or whatever, and he has not changed. He decided not to drink for his own reasons, which could be the Bible, money, but really it had not much to do with me. All the yelling and threats did nothing. He walked in with beer yesterday like no big deal. I think he was trying to see what he could get away with, but really nothing much as changed, except he is not going daily to the bar.

JessicaNAJ

You know what....you are absolutely right. I can't believe I didn't see it. You put that into perspective real well. Except I don't give him money on a regular basis.

I'm going to make time for me so I can re-read my CoDependant book. My mind is strong, but my heart is weak. Just when I think the two are "thinking" alike, something like this happens to set me back.

Thank you FD.....

You know. I do all this preaching about me putting my kids first. I never even gave it a thought that my actions (or reactions) could harm them. I know the arguing is not good for them to hear, which is why I asked him to move out. And no...I do not want them to grow up thinking this is what a marriage is like. Which is another reason I asked him to move out.

I'm going to get it together...for me and my kids. I have got to give up this "fantasy" and work really hard to accept reality.

StandingStrong

I already knew the reason Jessica, I just was hoping that as you answered, it would dawn on you that you were rescuing him again.

Jessica, FD really has said it as it is. And I'm glad. I really think you needed to hear it and I could not have said it better.

Irresponsible father, making plans with his kids and not showing up.
Broken promises.
Financially irresponsibility.
Manipulating your feelings and the situation.
Blaming you for things.
Still drinking on occassion.
Hanging out with "friends" that you find unappealing.
Verbal abuse - Emotional abuse.
Controlling.
Guilting you.

Have you ever really stopped to realize that alot of the things that caused you to kick him out are still happening?

Jessica - you and I both had our ah's move out at about the same time. Over the course of this past almost 2 years, I've seen a lot of similarities between your and my situations. So I hope you know that I really do understand how hard this situation is. And my heart goes out to you.

JessicaNAJ

SS...you have given me some of my best advice. I know you understand and I know everyone here understands. That is why I post here....its unconditional support. I don't get upset at anything (well almost) that anyone here says b/c I know it the end it will only help me to improve myself.

The trick though, it not to just understand it, but to feel it and know in my heart that what I'm hearing is what reality really is.




ps....I didn't realize I was rescuing him. Seems helping and rescuing (in his case) is the same thing.

LaTeeDa

I'll never forget when I told my counselor that I wanted to help my AH if he wanted to get sober.

She said--"That is your ego talking. He doesn't need your help, he needs AA."

L