JessicaNAJ

I removed everything I wanted from love and I tried to enjoy what is .... it just didn't work. What I thought was my love for G was co-dependancy. Life for me didn't get easier.

minnie

When was the last time you could count on G?

I hear what you're saying in that last post, Jess. I am always very careful about the words I use, particularly to myself. They have tremendous power. Saying you need someone to "take care of you" is different than saying that you want to be in a supportive relationship. But the vocab you use influences the way you think.

Pick-a-name

I think I understand what you mean..and feel the same way. Not take care of me like a parent, making decisions FOR me, etc......but supporting me in what I do, "having my back", doing nice things just "because", someone who I can call if I want and need help......all those things he used to be and do. That to me is part of marriage.....interdependance..seperate but equal; a true and close friend. I do not find that a bad thing (except it get's blurry and one-sided when addiction enters a picture). Thirty years together,children,joint finances and property etc.,etc,c.I think it goes with the territory.

Dating,etc....a whole different thing. Actually, I have always been very slow to get very involved. Took it REAL slowly, just to avoid expecting too much for or from me.

Maybe I am wrong ;obviously addiction screws up the whole equation, but I get tired too....I think we all do. Doesn't mean we can't and don't take care of the kids ourselves,etc.,etc.....just means that we wish we did not have to. For my sake, for his sake, especially for the kids' sake. Like a day off work......sometimes it would be nice.

Maybe I am off-base in what others were talking about....I can get dense like that some days!

JessicaNAJ

That's funny!!! I can't count on him.

minnie

When was the last time? Are you prepared to wait that long till it happens again?

JessicaNAJ

Pick - I've had quite a few dense days lately. But I think you are right on track. Thank you

equus

If you don't get the things you want from him, and if you've found there isn't much else there - why stay?

My bet is that if you did get what you wanted then you'd find yourself fearful it wouldn't be there the next day. The fear causes the discomfort to a similar level as the frustration.

Does that make sense? I can have many things from D but while my affection is based on what he offers it also becomes vulnerable to fear and frustration. If I can enjoy what is there because I find who I'm with beautiful, I can take it without fearing the loss as much.

I don't have all that mastered but as I move in that direction I find myself more and more contented, when I slip back whether D fills my expectations or not, I will find either I get more possessive or frustrated and neither make me happy.

Because I haven't just figured it out - gone 'Bingo!' and from there on in found life perfect I get to see the relationship over and over again. When I enjoy D for D funnily enough I'm not even aware of what expectations are or aren't being filled - I'm too busy enjoying the moment! When I begin to look at what love should give me - what should be mine I get distracted from pleasure and find more uncomfortable emotions.

I'm probably doing really badly trying o explain this - don't shoot me!!

JessicaNAJ

I honestly can't remember. Each time its more of a hope that he will follow thru rather than me actually counting on him. Good point. and Definately something for me to think about.

When he was home, the most I could count on is that if I had to go somewhere, he'd be here to watch the kids. But could I count on him not drinking? No.

JessicaNAJ

Makes perfect sense. Since I couldn't not accept G for G, it led to me taking control which led to frustrations. Guess this goes back to the question...Can I accept him for who he is. And who he is now....I cannot accept it.

Pick-a-name

That is part of where I can get in trouble within myself..................financially I can STILL count on him (how long that will last, I do not know...........of course, that is the only "plus" he has in the column right at this moment with me and our kids; and that will be the last thing in his life to go, I am sure.....that is what his ego is resting on right now)

Can I count on him with the other things....yes, and no. I would say not really in a whole-hearted sense but he has explanations he tells himself and others that he seems to believe.

I see your point, but I don't know that it is exactly the same thing; maybe it is. Something got me to this point.

minnie

(((sweetie))))

I've just read back over my posts and I seem like such a bully. I am so sorry. It's the codie in me coming out.

I just hate to see you wishing your time away.

Pick-a-name

Observation here: for what it's worth. When children are involved, more self-sacrifice is always involved (or should be) addiction or no addiction. Seems like the areas we are talking about here really involves that area the most.

If it is just about me; I can leave, go somewhere for a day or a year, etc whatever.....pick up do what I want to do etc. When children are involved there is so much more to consider (bad and good,too) especially when the addict is their father...... Isn't so esy or cut-and-dried as if it was a boyfriend or just the relationship exclusively involving two adults. There are life-long repercussions to consider. Like deciding between bad and worse.........JMO

JessicaNAJ

I didn't think you sounded like a bully. Not at all.

I hate wishing my time away too.

He said he needed to "think" about where he wanted his life to go. I guess he made up his mind b/c i haven't heard from him today.

I wanted to file my taxes today and waited for him to call. Whatever...I'm going Wednesday with or without him.

I don't need this ****. I can't put my heart out there to get hurt anymore. I open it up to the possiblity that maybe this time will be different and here...not even 24 hours later....I meet disappointment again. No ones fault but my own.

minnie

Phew.

Hon, one last question before I go to bed. Why did you think it might be different this time? I have read and re-read your first post and I just can't see it anywhere.

gelfling

(((((Jess))))))))))

JessicaNAJ

Something I thought I felt. I should know better than to listen to my heart.

Live

Jess,

I haven't kept up with all your posts, but see I remember when you asked him to leave and then he would show up and do all the weed eating or bring over dinner or do something really nice and helpful. He was usually too drunk or not answering the phone the next day to keep the kids etc. But there was that back and forth thing going on.
It probably still does is some way or manner. That is the most effective way to keep the confusion high. That middle ground will keep our head spinning round the rest of our lives if we will let it.

I re-married about 6 months ago. He is not an addict. I can count on him. Every day.
It is nice if when you are tired, someone tucks you in with an ice pack and asks what they can do for you etc etc etc. I love it that I have that and fail to see anything wrong with it or with wanting it.

my 2 cents.

live

JessicaNAJ

I remember all that too. But he is so quick to tell me that I only remember the negative. I tried to tell him that the negative over shadowed the positive. But he wouldn't listen. Just tells me that that is all I focus on....and all I remember.

Who am I kidding? If I stay with this man, my heart will be broken over and over again. Because I will allow it to happen.

My heart is breaking right now. I feel like I'm loosing a piece of myself. Could it be a realization that things with him will never be the way I need them to be? (I'm cautious about the use of the word "need", but couldn't think of a better one right now.)

I'm on edge. I've been sulking all day. I've slipped a couple times into that CoDe behavior today....obsessively calling his phone only to end up getting his voice mail. I get frustrated and lash out. I get selfish and want to be left alone to deal with my thoughts, or read my books so I can maybe figure out my thoughts. My poor baby (my 4 year old) is suffering because of how I'm feeling....She just wants my attention and keep pushing her away. (My son was at his friends all day and then came home and went to sleep a short time later .... he stayed up all night lastnight playing Playstation )

Enough is enough....I'm going to bed. I will hug my daughter and tell her I love her. Tomorrow WILL be a better day. I CANNOT keep doing this to myself or my kids.

cwohio

((jess)) sleep on your thoughts. it's horrible to be "stuck", i know. peace and clarity going out to you tonight!

LaTeeDa

My earlier post about being "needy" was not meant as an insult. Please don't take it that way. The point I was trying to make is that our A's sense what our vulnerabilities are and, conciously or unconsciously, use them against us. He is using your desire for a happy, stable relationship to keep you on his hook by giving you a little bit of what you want. Now and then, at his convenience.

I, too wish you peace. Things are usually better after you sleep on it.

(((Jess)))

L