quabme

Hi all, Im new to this web site. I happened upon it today while looking for information regarding my husbands drinking pattern. How do I explain it? Let me first say that my husband and I have been married for coming on 15 years and we have three beutiful daughters. My husbands father is a recovering alcoholic. My husband has had two drunk driving tickets. One in 1994 and the last one in 2003. He is not a daily or even a weekly drinker. His problems happen when he gets together with friends to go golfing or getting together to watch a game on TV or to go see a game. Since his last dui, he no longer drives if he has been drinking. However he is going home with his friends who are drunk which is really not any better. When my husband drinks , he drinks in excess. A lot and very fast. If he makes himself a brandy and coke he gets one of those super size cups from McDonalds, fills it about halfway with ice, fills the brandy up to cover the ice then the rest with coke and will end up having a couple of those. On this particular night, he was in charge of being home with the girls while I caught a movie w/ my friends. By the time I returned home, the girls were up past their bedtime and my husband was 'stupid drunk'. At least he wasnt like he normally is when he drinks, which is angry, defesive, paranoid, argumentative, beligerant etc. Sober, he is the best man. Funny, caring, helpful, loving....but once he has a few beers, his mood changes. This is what I cannot handle. He is an embarresment to be around to where I have decided I can not be around him any longer if he chooses to drink. Let me add, he does not drink this way unless he is around certain people...other heavy drinkers. We have had many fights regarding his attitude to no avail. The mandatory drunk driving class he took only taught him to 'not drive' if he drank....not that they shouldnt drink.
My sister and her husband witnessed for themself how 'dr Jeckle and Mr Hide' he is when he drinks and they found it very disturbing. My parents think he is an alcoholic. I think he is alcohol abuser. He does not think he has a problem, and that right there is the problem. To him, no problem, nothing to fix. I do plan on attending my first Al-anon meeting tomorrow night with my sister. My husband will find out about it tomorrow. As I write this he is at a Super Bowl party which he left for at 9am this morning. He plans on drinking and eating throughout the day. Then him and his buddies are staying at a hotel across the street so they do not need to drive home. My husband has already taken off of work tomorrow, knowing how bad off he will be. Again...this is something I cannot understand. How a person can drink so much, not stopping when they are already beyond drunk. Sometimes I hope for something physically bad to happen to him which is terrible to say but I really don't think he will acknowledge his problem until something bad happens to him. He also never admits to being hungover the day after binge drinking. He will only say that he is tired. NEVER that he is hungover and that he feels like crap. He never admits to drinking too much. Ok....for those with experience...what do I do? How do I tell him I am going to the Al-Anon meeting. Will he be angry? My 11 yr old daughter thinks he will because he never admits to any wrong doing or for that matter, he is one that will not apologize. He will just act like nothing ever happened. So, Im am looking for words of wisdom, words of advise, Im looking for help. My daughter is afraid we will end in divorse and I tell her it could happen in the future because I do not see him getting any better. I feel that he is slowly getting worse. Having a couple glasses of wine in the middle of the week , for no reason, there isn't even a game on tv (which is usually when he would drink). Looking forward to anyones thoughts. Thanks!

nutz

There's nothing you can do about his drinking.
I'm sorry you feel fustrated about it. It's not easy
You can save yourself further fustration or you can try to do
do something about his drinking.

There's much you can do for yourself and your duaghter.

denny57

((quabme)
You will start to get some answers as you attend your al-anon meetings. Good luck to you.

harleygirl92156

First, I am sorry you are going through this. I totally understand how you feel and what you are going through. What you described in your post was my life nearly to the exact detail. My husband also didn't drink daily, he drank once a month or so and felt because he didn't drink daily there wasn't a problem. He didn't have a drinking problem, he had a stopping problem!!!!

I too was at a loss and didn't know what to do. I threatened, I left, I begged, I cried, I cursed him, I did everything I could think of to make him quit drinking. I now look back on that and see what a waste of time that was. They won't stop until THEY are ready to stop. We can't control their drinking.

The first step is the key to Al anon as well as the alcoholics sobriety. Admitting we, the partner, are powerless over alcohol and the the alcoholic. A simple concept, a difficult thing to accomplish!

Go to Al anon. Tell him you went, but tell him when his is sober! When you tell him, make it very clear that you are going to continue going and there will be no discussion about it. Tell him you are not going BECAUSE of him, tell him you are going FOR YOU! If he gets angry, as long as he isn't abusive, let him be angry, let him deal with his anger himself. If he invites you to the anger party, decline the invitation, keep your mouth shut and walk away. It is his anger, let him deal with it!

If you continue to go to Al anon, you will find what you need to cope. Give it time though, it takes time and something you must continue to work on all your life.

Now, the good news, there is hope, but you must let the alcoholic reach his bottom and decide when he needs to get help. Forcing the issue usually doesn't work. My husband has been sober 15 months. His bottom came with him chasing me out of our home with a gun and shooting at me with our son trapped inside the house. Today, he still remembers nothing about the incident. BUT, the worst most frightening incident of my life turned out to be the most wonderful of my life. No one was hurt, physically, and it allowed my husband to see he really did have a problem and he took the steps to get help himself(of course the restraining order didn't allow him to contact me or come to our home). So he only had an empty hotel room and himself to look at for several days. He checked himself into treatment 10 days later and only ask that I support him through it before I decided if I wanted to stay in the marriage. I agreed because I loved him.

Life after sobriety has been harder than anything I have ever done in my life, but now that the first year is over, things are really looking up.
So, I guess my message to you is this
THERE IS HOPE
GO TO AL ANON
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND CHILDREN IF YOU HAVE THEM
LET HIM DEAL DRINKING AND ANGER ALONE
PRAY FOR HIM
PRAY FOR HIM
PRAY FOR HIM

God bless you, either way you have a long hard road ahead of you.

quabme

HarleyGirl,
Thank you so much for your words. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I always felt so alone in this. No one in my family has my problems. They all have their own problems that I feel fortunate not to have, but there was no one to feel the things I felt, so when I would go to them and go into the terrible thing that happened this time, I feel as though they are thinking to themselves "good lord, you are a broken record". Sometimes my mom can forsee something bad happening because of something my husband plans on doing but I don't. I try to have faith in him. Thinking he will make good choices. When he does make good choices, deciding to decline an invite to go out with a friend, and he really makes a big thing about declining it to me, I really tell him how proud I am of him.

I only wish he would think back about how good he felt about himself and how his body felt when he was in the midst of his mandatory drunk driving classes. He did not drink for many months. He lost weight. He had more energly. He was very proud of himself. I told him too how proud I was of him. I am very supportive of him. I tell him I will do whatever he needs to keep him on this path. But...as I knew, it slowly changed. He learned nothing when it comes down to it. So, my fear is that it will take another drunk driving ticket, which he shouldn't get because he no longer drives when he drinks but I really don't have a lot of trust in that statement as I write it, or something worse will happen and some how find us in legal financial ruin. If it were just my husband and I to think about, I would be taking stronger action w/ my life. However, with my three girls (ages 7,8,and 11) I do not want to do anything to disrupt their lives.

Just the other day I was telling my mother how my husband and I rarely fight. That the last time we argued in front of the kids (regarding different views on retirement ira's and money issues) my two youngest wrote us cards asking us not to fight. It was so cute. We both explained to them that we were not fighting, we were having a disagreement. But...that just shows how they do not see us fighting hardly ever. Well, if I had not learned along time ago to pick my battles, they would probably hear a lot more. I save the big ones for when he does something really stupid because of drinking. I read in someone else's post the fear of leaving her husband because that would be mean time the spouse would spend alone with their kids. Fear of him driving drunk with them and loosing their lives. I have had that fear myself. My kids are the most important thing in my life.

Is it wrong that I explain the situation w/ my 11 year old daughter? I tell her that her father has a problem when he drinks and that he doesnt know when to stop. He can't go to a game and just have a beer or two. He ends up probably having 6-10 (is my guess). I tell her to be smart when she is older and not to marry someone who likes anything in excess. Nothing in excess is good. Too hot, not good. Too cold, not good. Too much drinking, not good. Too much food, not good. I tell her to make wise choices.

When I married my husband , coming on 15 years ago, I was only 25. My husband and I dated for 3 years. In that time I never looked at him as having a problem, because we were both young and going out a couple time a week was normal. And , compared to his friends we went out with, he was comparitivly not as big of a drinker. However, once we started having kids, I changed. I stopped going out. I stopped big drinking. He did not. He continued with his times out with his friends, staying out all hours after work friday night. Then he had three different sport leagues he was one, so that was three more opportunities to drink every week.

We had a big fight the evening of my third daughters 1 yr old birthday party. A lamp was destroyed from it (my husband took his anger out on it and smashed it). Soon after he would go out drinking, not to come home until the next morning because he would pass out at his friends house. Finally I left him, taking my daughters with me. He never called me. He never apologized. He will never apologize and that hurts so much. I finally broke down and called him and asked him to go to counciling with me. He didnt want to but I talked him into it. We went. I ended up on Paxil for my anxiety. So , I was made 'calm' so as not to get to worked up over his behavior!!! How is that right? He is the problem! He should be the one sent to get help. Let me add that he does not go out as much as he used to but every summer I get ready for a blow out. Something bad will happen. He already has plans to hit 10 Brewers games with a buddy of his. I know what that means. Total drunken Oblivion. Spending money at the games, spending money at hotels (because I am no fool, I know they will be to wasted to get home which is an hourn away from Milwaukee) and that will be yet another day taken away from doing something with our family. He tells me "you knew I loved sports (and drinking) when you married me". Well, honey, I grew up, I kinda expected you to also. What will it take him to grow up? I don't think anything will!!!

Lord..sorry for babbling here. I am very excited about Al-anon. I don't think I will be able to tell my husband that I am going to it today because he will be still drunk and hungover from last nights super bowl all day party he went to. So I will have to tell him after the fact on tuesday that I went with my sister and that I will continue to go for my own sanity. I agree that I will make it clear that it is for me and not about him because I cannot change him. I can only make it bearable for myself and learn how to cope when he does things that he does. I am not his keeper. I am not his mother. I cannot and will not make these decisions for him. When he is ready to help himself, I will be there to support him,as will the girls but until then, he has to make his own bed and sleep in it.
Thanks for your ears!
Quabme

canada1

oops

canada1

I have learned from experience that is better to keep the kids out of it. Don't shield them, but don't use them as something for you to vent your frustrations. It adds a heavy burden to them. I know because I was one of those kids once. Kids shouldn't be privy to the adult burdens we deal with. Let them be kids. In time, I promise she will figure out on her own everything that you want her to know. But at 11, she shouldn't worry about it. Find an Al-Anon program or a friend that you can talk to, but try and not use your children. Kids have enough on their minds these days! hugs!!!

LaTeeDa

I agree with this to a point, but there is a very fine line. You have to be honest with them. I found that when I separated from my husband, my children were very angry at me. They didn't understand why I made their father move out. I needed to explain to them that people who are addicted sometimes do things that hurt the people they love. It is not that he doesn't love them, it's just that he has lost control over the alcohol and that is what addiction means. Keep it age appropriate and don't vent on them or pull them into your anger, but remember they deserve honesty. It was very freeing for all of us (myself and two children) to finally be able to talk about "it." Ultimately, though, the best thing you can do for your children is be a good example. Taking care of yourself is also a gift to your children.

Best wishes,
L

Pick-a-name

I have found this to be true....and it has helped me,too. As I explained it to them, I heard what I was saying and started to believe it. As they have gotten older, they now remind me. We talk about it, vent and still love AH/father but they are better able to set and keep boundaries. They encouraged me not to allow him to move back in without treatment.......hard, but made it easier to know I was doing the right thing.

There is no "good" way for a kid to have an parent with an active addiction.

Hugs and prayers to you all.

quabme

I do always try to be honest with my girls. Just letting them know the facts. They have experienced their father when he has been drinking and they know he had to go to jail for his last DWI and how he couldnt drive for a very long time. They have not and could not be shielded from reality. I do however try to set a good example for my girls. I eat well, excersie, take interst in their school, take them to church. I tell them the evils of smoking, drinking, fire, driiving without a seat belt. I want the best for all three of my girls and it is hard when my husband, their father, does not seem to put them in the same 'light' as I do. I feel that if he cared enough and loved us enough he would be willing to consider the fact that he may have a problem, and being the case, do whatever he had to do to get it under control. We all love him and cannot imagine not having him around but I am afraid at some point he will just give up and choose alcohol over us and that is a devastating thought. I am making out a list of questions I want answered at the Al-anon meeting I am attending at 6:30 tonight. Maybe someone here can answer this question......would an alcoholic be able to turn down drinks when offerend to him? Thats is what has my head spinning. My husband on many occasions (and this usually happens at my brothers or mothers house) has turned down an offered drink and chooses to drink soda. Would an 'alcoholic' be able to do that? Maybe I am fighting the thought that he could actually be labeled an alcoholic. That would be awful to live with. My Grandmother was a alcoholic. She would drink heavily every night. I lost a lot of respect for her as I find myself loosing respect for my husband when he shows such 'weekness' when he does drink uncontrollably. I can tell you right now though that come mid -March during the 'March Madness' thing my husband will drink for probably three days straight hanging at the bars, watching the games, coming home only to get some sleep to just get up in the morning to start up over again. I plan to tell him ahead of time this year that he needs to stay at his friends house during this span of time becuase me and the girls should not have to be witness to it. Hopefully he will understand and not get upset.
During this time of discussing my problems about my husband w/ my sister , she herself has just decided to join AA herself. Yay!!! She and my husband are so much the same kind of drinkers. She even did me the biggest favor and called his cell (leaving a message) to invite him to join her at the meetings because they are so much alike. My biggest wish and prayer is to have him take the opportunituy and invitation and join my sister. Everyone please say a prayer this is going to help in some way.

Pick-a-name

It is devstating....my AH of 27 yrs (2 children) has filed for divorce, rather than quit. NEVER did I imagine that happening.


Yes; as his disease has progressed, he now no longer drinks around family or at work functions....I think he is either afraid or it is easier for him not to drink at all (then) than to drink one or two and then have to stop. He noticed this in my A sister, she noticed it in him.....I didn't realize it for awhile. haha

Good for your sister! and wonderful she invited him, although he may not think it is "necessary for him". If not now, perhaps at some point, this has opened a door for him ....if nothing else, I bet he will think about it from now on and start to question his drinking in a different way.

Keep posteing. Glad you are here.

Best of luck to you, your girls, AH and sister!

mallowcup

I would be careful with the terminology you use. Smoking isn't evil, it is a bad habit. I would hate to think of your girls thinking those who smoke as being evil. Evil is also a bad word to use for an alcoholic. It is an addiction.

mallowcup

I would be careful with the terminology you use. Smoking isn't evil, it is a bad habit. I would hate to think of your girls thinking those who smoke as being evil. Evil is also a bad word to use for an alcoholic. It is an addiction. Those who need a higher power to pray for strength and healing need to feel a comfort in prayer, not like they are outside the circle. Alcoholism is a disease.

Justme57

My husband on many occasions (and this usually happens at my brothers or mothers house) has turned down an offered drink and chooses to drink soda. Would an 'alcoholic' be able to do

Hi quabme Lee, alcoholic here .

In answer to the above, YES an alcoholic can do this . I used to go out with people from work, and not drink, ( cos I knew if I started i couldn't stop) but I couldn't wait to get home to get plastered. i could also do it if my family came to visit for the day, but I was never comfy til they had gone, and I could drink as I wanted to.

I wish you well in your quest for a better and fulfilling life for yourself and your girls. he wont stop til he is ready, and it is different for all of us alkies. I quit after 37 years of drinking , cos the inner pain was too much to bear

HUGX
Lee

quabme

Mallowcup
I apologize for the terminology I used. My kids know that people who smoke are not 'evil' or those who are addicited to other things. When I say 'the evils of smoking, drinking, drugs etc' I mean the terrible things that can happen to you if you start, how addicting it can be. I am not saying that the 'people' are evil. Im sorry if I offened anyone. Thanks for alerting me to my mistake. :0)

mallowcup

My ex came from a family that was very religious, not a common Christian practice but instead a Pilgrim Holiness Church which practiced very strict things like not cuttting your hair, no TV or newspaper. Over the years his parents modified a bit with the times, but he never never drank around them. He did have the ability to control it around them and he had manners around them. It infuriated me.

mallowcup

ps it wasn't a mistake and Lord knows smoking is no good. It may even be evil as it does put a vice grip on your life. I just know it's important to be careful with the words we use. No one is worthy, but the door is open to all who want to come in.

quabme

Yesterday was a breakthrough day for my me and my husband. For the first time since knowing him, he actually came up and apologized (after almost 4 days of not speaking to each other) for how he treated me Friday night (lots of confusion over actions made by my sister and my husband, both who tend to act beligerant when they have had too much to drink). I went to my first Al-anon meeting MOnday evening, not telling him where I was going since we were not speaking yet. Yesterday my husband came right up to me when he returned from work and apologized up and down for treating me so poorly. Let me stress...he NEVER apologizes. It brought me to tears. I told him how much it meant to me. He said that he has done a lot of thinking about things and that he decided that he is done with the way he has been.....the excessive drinking when he is around certain people. He admited he has a problem with control w/ these people (friends from work and w/ my sister and her husband who are all fast and furious drinkers when the right occasion hits). He know what a different person and drinker he is when he is with me or my friends. He tells me it is because I am such a slow drinker and I stop (drinking....the most I have is 1 if we are out for dinner) where his friends all drink a lot and he just finds himself falling in line with them. He no longer wants to go to the bars to watch the game with his friends. He will offer them to come to our house and only have 1 or 2 beers available for each person, no more. Or just soda. He felt terrible for putting me thru all this. He is kinda disgusted with himself that he is pushing 40 and he still finds himself drinking like a single 20 yrs old when he is with his buddies. This is he say I have been waiting for. He agreed not to have any alcohol in the house. I stressed that we, as parents, need to set good examples for your kids by leading healthy loving lives and I do not want his drinking to result in destroying or children and our marriage. He agreed and almost started crying himself. I will pray every day that God will keep him on this path and I will do whatever I can to help him thru this. I asked if he could go a month without drinking. "easy' he said. I know this to be true because he has gone months without drinking in the past.
Now, my sister who I mentioned above has decided to quit drinking now also. However, she already is having a very hard time with the idea of not having her 3 firday night beers she ritually has. She is making plans to get out of the house with her kids to avoid being in the place that she knows as her friday drinking area. Im afraid for her. I think she is going to need a lot of support in this but she is afraid to tell her kids (ages 15, 11, and 9 yr old twins). She does not want her kids to know their mother has a problem with alcohol. Personally I think the kids already know she has a problem. What does everyone else think about her not telling her kids that she is going to try to quit drinking and that she needs everyone support in this?