JessicaNAJ

I had a breakdown. It started out as me being mad b/c G was supposed to call me to go do our taxes and didn't.

He was being a complete a$$ on the phone....I was being fairly rude right back to him.

So...he made me mad. I went to his apartment. I don't know why.... I was upset. I wanted to shake him sensless.

He was still being a jerk when I got there. Rightfully so. I would be too if someone was coming at me the way I was at him.

We argued a bit....talking in circles. Blaming each other for feeling the way we feel and for the way things have been going.

I cried.
He said, "so why the h*ll are you here?". I told him I didn't know. Maybe this is just another attempt of me looking for some little sign that he could be the person I needed him to be. Maybe It was another plea from me for him to "wake up".

He told me he put his wall up b/c he was there "I got down on my knees and said I'd do ANYTHING. For six months I quit drinking. I was there asking you if you needed anything (I don't remember that). I gave you extra money. Anything you wanted, I was there. And you weren't." I told him at that time he needed to work on him, I needed to work on me. and I felt like I hadn't had time to work on me and he wanted to jump right into working on us. The way I remember, his bills started going down hill again and he started drinking again. Probably didn't help that I was emotionally detached....I was protecting my mind and my heart. (Maybe I should find that thread..hmmm?)

He said he felt like I don't want to be with him. I told him that I don't. I don't want to be with who he is right now. I want my husband to take care of me and my kids, be there when he says he will, call when he says he will, take responsibility for us. Take care of me, physically mentally and emotionally. But the way he is now....I want no part of it. That before he moved out all the neighborhood drunks hung out at our house. That I told one of the guys was going to bring vodka into the house and G got mad when I told this guy not too. That I don't want my kids growing up in that lifestyle. That I don't want life in that lifestyle.

I told him that maybe I've been the way I've been the last few weeks is b/c I feel like our marriage is near the end and I want to see if there is any hope he could become the person I know in my heart he could be.

I asked him 5 times, "What do you want out of your life G?" Each time he couldn't answer me.

He told me that his "door" was wide open to me. He had never opened that door for anyone. But when I turned away from him, he closed that door. That he's afraid to open that door again. And he knows that I am too.

He said he has some thinking to do as far as where he wants his life to go. He thought he lost me so he choose this path. He's scared and so am I.

He had to get out of the car b/c he was getting emotional and didn't want to "go there".




I am just so f-ing confused. Why did I even go over there? b/c I still love him....or do I love the person I believed he could be?

cwohio

((jess))

escape artist

I like the name of the one little book- "COURAGE TO CHANGE"-
hang in there Jessica, you are going to be fine, remember who is at the wheel?

Pick-a-name

(((Jessica))) I have been there,too.....what am I saying; I still am much of the time, only now I think there is OW,too.

It isn't or wasn't supposed to be like this................

laurie6781

Jessica you asked "Why did I even go over there?"

I feel like this was another step toward the end. You have given this man whom you love every chance. You have been and are working on you. I believe your going over there was part of your way of finalizing it in your own head and heart.

I believe this is part of your journey. You were really frustrated because one more time he didnt keep his word.

You are getting there Jessica. Slowly but surely. You know it was probably your HP also that allowed your eyes to be openned a little more.

That whole conversation you reported in this post, sounds like "alcoholic excuses" and "manipulation" to me. And in his mind G probably believes exactly what he is telling you.

So.........you are doing a WONDERFUL JOB of taking care of yourself and the children. You are growing every day!!!!!!!

Maybe you will rest a little easier tonight knowing that nothing in his way has changed. You have seen no change in actions.

Sweetie we have progress not perfection. Boy would we all be boring if we were perfect. lol What you did tonight was HUMAN. Nothing wrong with it. Please don't beat yourself up or overanalyze your actions.

My own opinion is that you have come a LONG WAY since I first started reading your posts. You have grown immensely and are doing a fine job.

You will make the final decision when you are ready. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and when you feel inside that you have honestly done all you can do. My opinion is that you have done all you can do, but only you can decide for you.

Know that we are with you all the way. Please PM me any time you want or need to. I continue to keep you and the children in my daily prayers.

Love and hugs,

jojo

Jess -

He thought he lost you so he chose the drinking path? That is pathetic. All you need, Jess, is a grown up man and G obviously isn't one. The choice he made could be "caused" by anything. The loss of you and his kids could have made him want to straighten up and be a man and even if you wanted a divorce, he could have stayed straight for himself and his children. As long as you continue to involve yourself in the mess he is making of his life, the longer it is going to take for you to get where you want to be. Take control of yourself and let him live his life the way he chooses. You and the kids will be so much better off.

I'm so sorry that things aren't better for you. Have you considered having no contact with him except for visitation issues? If you don't know what is going on in his life then you won't get sucked in.

Hugs, Jo

JessicaNAJ

Thank you for the hug Christie

Pick...No, it wasn't suppose to be like this. We both deserve so much better.

EA....I'm tired. I am so tired of doing this all by myself. I want companionship and I want someone who I know I can count on to take care of me when I need it most. "He thought he lost me so he choose this path."...I'm not buying that for a minute. That is just a total cop-out if you ask me.

That's what I told him. I said "Take me out of the picture. What do you want for yourself G. Where do you see yourself in five years?" Of course he changed the subject.

I told him it shouldn't matter where I am. And that is why I feel like when he stopped drinking....it wasn't for him. I told him that if he walked out on me vs me asking him to move out....I certainly wouldn't let everything go. I'd want to better myself...better my life. Move up...not down. Then I asked him "What are you doing to better yourself?" He changed the subject.

I got so caught up in wanting to believe that he wants to change....why can't he answer a straight up question? A few times, he answers made no sense whatsoever.

Then, he'd go into the past with something and when I would go there with him, he'd say something about...'That was in the past.' I'd remind him that he brought the conversation there. His "issue" with me 2 years ago was that I couldn't let go of things that happened in the past....things he'd done to me. He didn't like that I would bring it up. But it's okay for him to?

I'm thinking more clearly now.....but my heart is torn. I feel like deep down, he wants to change. I know he loves me. I still love him. But how strong is he? Can he overcome his addiction to alcohol and the lifestyle? Can he actually step up to the plate and take care of his family for the first time in 16 years?

One day at a time....h*ll, he might end up totally blowing me off after we file our taxes.

Yes Laurie I too heard a lot of "alcoholic excuses". And "manipulation", though i didn't see it or feel it when I was talking to him, I can definately tell, now, that it was present. And I agree that in his mind G probably believes exactly what he was telling me. That is what is so d@mn hard. He believes it so much, that I'm almost convinced its true.

How's this for an excuse....he told me that if the tables were turned and he had the kids, I'd be the one going out and drinking all the time. I'd be the one living that lifestyle. That is the most idiotic thing I have heard yet come out of his mouth.

Have I made a complete fool of myself? I want so badly to move on with my life...onward and upward. Why does my heart hold me in this place? Is this my HP telling me to give him yet another more chance? Or is this my HP way of telling me that I have some unresolved feelings that I need to deal with?




lol...you know, if I told my best friend what happened tonight, she'd tell me I was a total pushover and that I need to just divorce his a$$ and be done with it. I wish it was that easy.

mallowcup

None of it is easy. I think your friend would be right. I don't think your husband can make promises or goals 5 years away. He can't or won't be what you need.

Beautiful

I doubt that anyone, even an addict, goes into a marriage thinking that someday it will end. And it is perfectly noble to be holding out for some sign before making the final chop. It's your decision when or how long you wait.

When you're ready, you'll know what to do.

I'm sending some good vibes your way.....

mallowcup

is that you might benefit from some counceling. Your conversations with your husband seem counter productive. Maybe if you had someone to keep the conversations going in a forward constructive direction, you wouldn't feel so frustrated. I think that you and your husband might walk away feeling like you communicated with each other.

minnie

Where do you see YOURSELF in 5 years time, Jess? I would think that is the only valid question right now.

He's not ready, hon. Let him go. And set yourself free to find the happiness you deserve.

ICU

Jess,

I could be way off base here, but is 'he' the 'real issue here, or could it be something else entirely? Just something I picked up on in the following quotes from you in this thread.....


I understand when you're married and you have children together it's best to share the responsibilities with each other. And yes, there is emotional and physical needs that we have and we hope the other person there is 'supportive' of us in those needs. We kind of expect they will be supportive as I'm sure they expect we'll be supportive of them in a give-and-take sort of relationship. But the key word there is 'supportive'. Although that seems to be a part of what you are asking of him, I'm sensing what you are 'really' asking goes much deeper and far beyond that.

Is what you are asking of him, 'wanting him to take care of you'(something you mentioned twice in this thread) really something that he can 'give to you' or rather something that must come from within - you? Can he really take care of you? Can you really take care of him? I'm not criticizing by asking you these questions, I'm really not! Just wondered if you considered this angle before. And if you haven't, the key, or at least an important puzzle piece might be there.

I apologize if I'm off base. It was just something that jumped out at me and thought I'd put it out there for you to consider. (((Jess)))

gelfling

If you keep hanging on to the "man you want him to be", you'll live for eternity in a rut. Chances of him ever returning to the person you knew and fell in love with are slim. I've seen that with my husband. He's gone forever.

Seems companionship is a big thing for you. You've got to look at yourself as an individual first. Than your kids. When life can show you an even balance, yeah, time to fill that void. But at the point you're at, what do you think the odds would be of hooking up with another alcoholic? Pretty high don't you think?

You've come a long way and are allowing yourself to fall behind with the hope of...you fill the blanks.

Like Minnie said...set him free. Do you want to be where you're at in 5 years time? Are you willing to continue living this same life for the next 5 years, hoping against hope? He's not ready. And as long as you support him financially, fuss with him because he doesn't show up or because he's drinking, he's never going to get the message.

Jess, you need to love yourself more than anyone in your life. You're worth it.

equus

This is where I found lots of my distress came from. Even when it's there there's fear of losing it. I tied myself in small tight knots, I realised eventually there's a kind of love that's about what's mine and another kind - nothing to do with mine, just like you can love a summer's day but not own it. It's the second of the two that brings me pleasure, the possessive love brought much more in the way of pain.

I'm finding the more I remove what I want from love and the more I enjoy what is as love the happier and easier life gets. Last time D was a couple months into not drinking I was full of fear - this time the fear is passing, actually passing quicker and quicker. Meanwhile I have today, and sometimes it's the things we can't own that become the most precious, like spring, sunsets, dew, wild flowers and hills. D is part of this world and I have the pleasure of that - it's not mine though.

The funnier thing is I get more and need less emotional support, there's less fear, more happiness and I dunno - for me taking the possession out of love has worked, it's worked more than I could have dreamed.

LaTeeDa

From "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck:

"Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other."

A highly reccommended read, BTW.

If we here on this board can sense your neediness, surely he can sense it. And it appears he is using this to try and "hook" you back into his game.

He simply wants to have his cake (alcohol) and eat it too (marraige).

It is so easy to see this in another's situation, but so difficult when you are in the middle of it. I know because I am in a similar situation, myself. Not knowing if he is doing it for himself, or "because" of me. But, try to focus on yourself, because, in the long run, if he is only playing a game--it will fall apart. I believe this situation is my HP's way of teaching me patience. I have never been a patient person, but I have no other choice now than to wait and see what happens. (With him, that is. I can take action for my own life, not his.)

Just my two cents. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. (((J)))

L

Aquiana

I just have a big hug for ya and I'll say I've definitely been there. Why they don't understand what they're doing to themselves and others is the hardest thing I've ever had to understand. Keep looking forward and you'll get where you want to be in time.

Pick-a-name

Bless you for putting this in there.......(I completely relate to all you were saying/feeling) it is priceless......and SOOO typical!!!! Sad,but true...look at that mindset, and I am SURE he probably DOES believe that, because...well, he is an alcoholic! There is a statement of his perception on living and how he sees everything right now. You marriage is failing, your family is torn apart, he can't pay his rent so he found a guy fresh out of jail to help,etc.,etc.,etc......and he drinks BECAUSE you won't support him in how he is living? HELLO! It really is not funny at all......but I have to say I really did laugh out loud when I read that. Twisted thinking that sometimes you can not help but laugh about (and cry,too.) Hugs to you and the kids.

JessicaNAJ

Aquianna thank you for your support.

Very very true. I didn't even see that before you pointed it out.

Forgive me if I misunderstood, but are you trying to tell me that you don't "want" to have someone in your life that is able to take care of you? That you don't get tired of doing everything and that you never even think for a minute that it would be nice if someone were around that could help.

I am obviously quite capable of taking care of myself and my kids. But YES...I want someone special in my life that I can depend on to take care of me. I don't think that is needy....Lonely, maybe. But not needy.

BTW - he told me to tell my support group and my counselor (this is my interpretation...I don't remember what he said word for word) that you all are stupid b/c you tell me to look out for me and do what is best for me. Instead of telling me to "just be okay" with it all and work together with him....which I'm sure you all would do if he met me half way. His "friends" also tell him that I'm just stringing him along, that I'm going to take him all the way back to when he moved out and the he should just divorce me and be done with it.

It is always so much easier to blame everyone else for their influence in the situation....gawd forbid he make his own choices/decisions.

minnie

I don't want nor need anyone to take care of me. I'd quite like someone to share my life and vice versa, but I don't need looking after. Be careful what you wish for, Jess - my ex set about "taking care" of me and it was the most suffocating experience of my life.

Nice touch in the way he teels you what everyone else thinks, rather than what HE thinks.

JessicaNAJ

I think I should clarify....If something were to happen to me and I was unable to fend for myself or my kids, I would like to know there is someone there who can take care of me. If I am having a bad day and just can't deal with the daily issues....it would be nice to know there was someone there to tell me it was okay and they would handle things for me and let me rest for a bit.

It's not an "I can't survive with out you need" or a "I can't do this without you". Its more of a supportive thing.

When the chips are down, who is there to help me?

Does that make sense?

Maybe I'm putting this wrong. I'd like to share my life with someone too, but that someone should be someone I can count on.