minnie

Guy, hon, it's OK to say "I don't want to know" when people try and tell you stuff. I know it's tempting to stay in the drama, but you CAN choose for it not to be YOUR drama anymore.

Choose life.

Jazzman

Guy, what are the visitation arrangements? And are you facilitating any of them? Like driving the girls over to her? Allow her to come pick up the girls and take them when she's supposed to have them. If her life is in such shambles that she has no transportation or suitable place to keep them overnight, then she wont. If you think the girls are in danger when they visit their mother contact the local Child Protective Services and find out what would constitute supervised visitation maybe?

guyinNC

The wife called last night. She was back in town. Talked very rationally. She said she did not go off to see her rehab lover, but instead stayed with an old friend. Her charges were dismissed.

She said she was sorry for all the pain that she has caused me and the girls. She said she was looking forward to getting through her surgery and back home to her parents and continue her recovery!

All and all she talked better than I have heard her in a long time.

Is she telling me the truth? I wish I knew...I want to believe.

At least she is safe. Thank God!!

minnie

*clackety clackety clack* big pause *whoooooooooosh*

Guess what that is?

equus

I stayed out of this thread because I don't really know what to say. But I'll give it my best shot - please understand I might be a million miles off the mark.

I remember before christmas your feelings she would die unless you acted, I remember your sense that it was a knife edge between life and certain death in the coming weeks. When I read this the first thing that struck me was how you refered to your actions as rescuing her - and yet had you not been there to do that you don't know for certain she wouldn't have got through. People have a habit of surprising us sometimes.

This is the bit I could be so wrong about but I wonder if this isn't as much around how you want to see yourself? Protector, Just, Man? Perhaps you have just got used to her place in giving you that role. It's expected with children but maybe perceived as more heroic when offered to another adult?

You can be the hero, just by smiling at strangers, random acts of kindness, living with concern for others, but it just 'feels' to me as though a large part of this is about how you want to see yourself.

You're getting divorced and I can't imagine how hard that is but I'm sure staying so involved isn't making it any easier. I believe that love is the admiartion of who someone is, not the hope they will change or the belief they are dependent on us - those to me are seperate things and are NOT the same as love.

It isn't sugar coating to say I could be wrong - I really don't know you well enough to be at all certain, but if some of this is helpful all good. If it isn't I apologise in advance.

ASpouse

Boy, her story sure is different than the other folks you heard from. What a dilemma you are in........ who do you believe? Her? or the folks that called you to give you information? This must be so hard for you, aren't you in the least bit tempted to call her parents and find out if she really is going back? Aren't you tempted to find out for sure if the charges were dropped? I mean, Guy, this is the type of news that has sucked you back in time and time again, aren't you going to get sucked back in again? Isn't your own curiosity just killing you, just a little bit?

Minnie ......... I have no clue what that is? Please tell.

I'm being facetious.

TomsGirl

Ok, I'll fess up to stupidity. I don't know what that is. Please tell me?

pmaslan

I think it means "sucked in" but I'm still learning what our friends
across the pond mean....lol

minnie

It's the noise something makes. That many people go on for pleasure. But some people just won't get off even when it is making them sick.

TomsGirl

Oooo, Ooooo! I know! I know!!

ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

ASpouse

minnie

Yay!!!

pmaslan

aaahhhh gotcha.....
same difference really
sucked in
going round and round.....
none of the above is worth getting into ...again

splendra

You left out the scream that goes over the top of the whoooooosh...

minnie

It's a silent scream, Splen. At least that's how it was for me.

Guy - please don't think I am mocking you here. When I read your post today, that's what first came into my mind, so goodness knows what it's like for you.

guyinNC

I like the rollercoaster.....at least the real ones!

Do I believe her? She is an alcoholic, I neither believe nor disbelieve....I just listened to what she said. I am curious...of course. The truth will eventually work its way back to me.

I am the protector and the rescuer. Isn't that what makes a man? A real man? A good husband? Perhaps even a good X Husband!

The question is enabling and my own well being. Where to draw the line. where to Set boundaries. The rescue at Xmas was as much for me and the kids, as for her. I think most people would have done the same thing.

ASpouse

No, at least not to me. A good husband and a good man is one who is willing to allow their wife to be independent of him, who will support in any endeavor, even if that endeavor does not involve him. A good husband is one is trusts and is trustworthy. A good husband is not controlling. A protector and rescuer fall into the same category as controllers, at least to me. I'm even a little shocked that you would say this statement ...... it's so chauvinistic and so "manly"!

What a protector and rescuer is, is well, a policeman and a person who smothers. That is not a good husband for most women. Just MVHO!

minnie

I agree, Judy. It's actually quite a patronising statement.

I want a partner, not a father. I already have someone who fills that role - my Dad.

equus

I'm married to a man who clambered into an ice laden ravine on an unofficial rescue for a stranger who had fallen. He searched for hours over treacherous countryside, because he was a local, because someone was lost. After mountain rescue arrived the help was still wanted - unfortunately the man died anyway.

So would he protect me HELL YES and a stranger too I believe. Is he my protector? Hell no, he is D and he belongs to himself he is not my anything except husband, which to me means a good and EQUAL partner.

I realised that most of my upset came not because of love but fear of losing what i HAD - possession, needing is for me - love is for another. He is not mine, I'm fortunate to enjoy our time, I love him I don't own him as a man or a protector.

guyinNC

Thank God for the men in blue and our soldiers for keeping us safe.

Chauvinistic? You need to look up the definition of what that means. It is a Prejudiced belief in the superiority of one's own gender, group, or kind. I am far from this.....Would you have said this if the alcoholic in my family was my brother? I would have done the same for him.

A real man protects his family and rescues them if they need help. I have never tried to control her, I encouraged her independence, supported her in her efforts to go back to school to better herself.

Guess what....I open doors for ladies too, and I respect my elders. I still yes sir and no sir to my father.

I guess I was the victim of bad upbringing by my parents.