She Drinks Again
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Maryland
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by guyinNC
I know I have many faults...I'm sure if i had been a better husband, more attentive, perhaps this nightmare could have been avoided.
It has nothing to do with you... It's about her...
We're all here because we love(d) an alcoholic and we've been/ are being affected by their drinking.
Take care,
Anguished
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Guy, hon, I would never suggest that you could have done ANYTHING different that would have prevented your wife becoming an alcoholic. I hope you didn't take that from what I said. ACOA would be one line of thought that I would certainly explore, but only if I was her.
My concern is now and how your mind is still on the track of rescuing. I know that the key for me was understanding my beliefs on what a girlfriend/fiancee/wife should be like and seeing if they stood up to scrutiny and I would always encourage other people to do the same for their beliefs about the roles they play in life.
I hope you can take that in the spirit in which is was meant - with compassion.
My concern is now and how your mind is still on the track of rescuing. I know that the key for me was understanding my beliefs on what a girlfriend/fiancee/wife should be like and seeing if they stood up to scrutiny and I would always encourage other people to do the same for their beliefs about the roles they play in life.
I hope you can take that in the spirit in which is was meant - with compassion.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I know I have many faults...I'm sure if i had been a better husband, more attentive, perhaps this nightmare could have been avoided.
Elizabeth, it was Guy who mentioned many months back that his wife just took off and left him. My statement was not to be tough or without feelings or compassion. If Guy wants to take the blame for not "being the perfect husband", I want to know what he feels is the reason why his wife left. And he said so in the above quote. Anyone in recovery, even for a short amount of time knows that nothing they did or did not do caused the problem.
His wife sounds as if she has many issues and the alcohol helps her to deal with them. Unfortunately, Guy and his children are caught right in the crosshairs of that situation and it is 100% up to them if they choose to stay there, of if they will choose to get out of the way.
Tough Love? You bet! I've done so much co-dependent/enabling/suffering/ playing the victim garbage that when I read it here, well I get tough.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Guy.... Relationships are made or broken by both. A chemical dependency only takes one. Sure there might have been things you could have handled differently, in the relationship, but do not shoulda, coulda, woulda about the chemical dependency, waist of brain cells.
No Woman, Man OR child wants someone following them around the house w/ a pillow to cushion their fall, (obviously a overstated analogy but you get my point). You must let them spill that plate of spaghetti in favor of shattering their self esteem. Just think about what you might do differently w/ your kids and your next relationship.
No Woman, Man OR child wants someone following them around the house w/ a pillow to cushion their fall, (obviously a overstated analogy but you get my point). You must let them spill that plate of spaghetti in favor of shattering their self esteem. Just think about what you might do differently w/ your kids and your next relationship.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
perhaps this nightmare could have been avoided.
Sweetie do be gentle with yourself. Consider yourself like fresh meat and the blood suckers are out there and all the these people who are calling you with all this information are...energy vampires your wife in her condition is like a vampire don't trust her until she starts displaying trustworthy behavior.
By you not listening to this stuff and not trusting her until she actually deserves it it could actually help her...but, I know it will help you and your kids if you stop buying the goods from these people stop trying to make it all your fault and get real about what is your responsibility now. I am sure you feel some guilt we all do. The only good that guilt can do you now is if you let it be a motivator to do the right things now cause you already know the wrong stuff. Consider yourself lucky that she is out of the house and not doing her stuff in your and your kids face.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I'm a firm believer that it takes two to make a marriage but one can ruin it. I envy your ability to see your need to seperate yourself from her at this point. I wish I had the ability at the time to NOT measure myself against the wmen my husband was drinking with. I did not have that ability at the time. In a year, you will see an ease in your childrens faces. If your wife is going to cave into the drinking and running around, she will fade away most likely to that life and that crowd. I envy your excellent choices. After being married to my ex, I find predicatable, reliable men intoxicating.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Busted
Thanks guys...I really appreciate the support.
Well the truth came out! The OM's wife called me tonight. She was in a hospital for detox, pushed back over the edge due to the affair between her husband and my wife. Her sister was at her house and saw my wife's phone number on the caller ID.
Not surprised at all...in fact it makes me feel better. I was feeling guilty about not letting her stay with me to recuperate after her surgery. I'm glad I made the right decision.
Amazing how well she lies. She would say to me " I love you...I want to be a family again. The affair was a mistake, brought on by bad choices due to drinking." While at the same time she was still have a relationship with him. There was never any need to lie. Thats the part that is so strange.
Oh well.....her life ,her choice. I still wish her the best.....but life with another active alcoholic does not sound like much of a life to me!
Time to move on!
Well the truth came out! The OM's wife called me tonight. She was in a hospital for detox, pushed back over the edge due to the affair between her husband and my wife. Her sister was at her house and saw my wife's phone number on the caller ID.
Not surprised at all...in fact it makes me feel better. I was feeling guilty about not letting her stay with me to recuperate after her surgery. I'm glad I made the right decision.
Amazing how well she lies. She would say to me " I love you...I want to be a family again. The affair was a mistake, brought on by bad choices due to drinking." While at the same time she was still have a relationship with him. There was never any need to lie. Thats the part that is so strange.
Oh well.....her life ,her choice. I still wish her the best.....but life with another active alcoholic does not sound like much of a life to me!
Time to move on!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
((Guy))
You say there was never any need to lie - I bet she is lying to herself just as much. This is what caused me so much confusion with my ex as I believe now that some of the stuff he told me was part of this huge fantasy he had in his head. And I do believe also that he meant some of the promises he made, but only in the minute it took to utter the words. When push came to shove, he couldn't follow through on them.
I could hear the guilt and I think some others could too, hence the attempts to get you to examine your perception of your role. I'm glad you're feeling better.
M
xx
You say there was never any need to lie - I bet she is lying to herself just as much. This is what caused me so much confusion with my ex as I believe now that some of the stuff he told me was part of this huge fantasy he had in his head. And I do believe also that he meant some of the promises he made, but only in the minute it took to utter the words. When push came to shove, he couldn't follow through on them.
I could hear the guilt and I think some others could too, hence the attempts to get you to examine your perception of your role. I'm glad you're feeling better.
M
xx
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
.....her life ,her choice. I still wish her the best
And yes, it is time to move on... you sound like you're ready!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Lufkin, Texas
Posts: 1
Guy,
I am new here and I understand what you ae going through, I asked my H to leave in Sept becsuse of his drinking, always running to his buddies house, a unexpected drunken trip to Vegas and argument that got his arm broken because he threatened to kill my son and chased him down the street with a baseball bat. He then told me he wanted a divorce because we had grown apart. He didn't call on my daughters birthday to wish her a Happy B-day (he has been in her life since she was 1 now 8) Well to make a long story short I filed for divore over X-Mas and then he called on my B-Day (drunk) left a messaage on the cell how he just wanted to wish me Happy B-Day and how he misses me, NOT REALLY he then says and the whole time you can hear his drunk buddy in the back ground giggling.
It's amazing how they can continue to try and keep you on that rollercoaster.
I am new here and I understand what you ae going through, I asked my H to leave in Sept becsuse of his drinking, always running to his buddies house, a unexpected drunken trip to Vegas and argument that got his arm broken because he threatened to kill my son and chased him down the street with a baseball bat. He then told me he wanted a divorce because we had grown apart. He didn't call on my daughters birthday to wish her a Happy B-day (he has been in her life since she was 1 now 8) Well to make a long story short I filed for divore over X-Mas and then he called on my B-Day (drunk) left a messaage on the cell how he just wanted to wish me Happy B-Day and how he misses me, NOT REALLY he then says and the whole time you can hear his drunk buddy in the back ground giggling.
It's amazing how they can continue to try and keep you on that rollercoaster.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
The Lies
The lying seems to be as much a part of an alcoholics life as the booze. My wife is an accomplished actress. She can look at you straight in the face and deliver a lie with no change in composure. She lies when she doesnt even have to lie. Thats the weird part. Plus the lies usually fall a part and the truth comes out.
But she actually believes this alcoholic loser she thinks she is love with. Her life will get worse. Eventually she will begin drinking hard again, he will eventually beat her as he did his current wife.
But she actually believes this alcoholic loser she thinks she is love with. Her life will get worse. Eventually she will begin drinking hard again, he will eventually beat her as he did his current wife.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Ah Guy, don't you know it. And most importantly, don't make it any of your business. She's chosen her path. Don't let her drag you back into it when life goes askew.
I thought it was pretty cool that you went for a facial...nice personal touch. That's the way to do it. For you and the girls.
I thought it was pretty cool that you went for a facial...nice personal touch. That's the way to do it. For you and the girls.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by guyinNC
My wife is an accomplished actress. She can look at you straight in the face and deliver a lie with no change in composure. She lies when she doesnt even have to lie.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Originally Posted by guyinNC
The lying seems to be as much a part of an alcoholics life as the booze. My wife is an accomplished actress. She can look at you straight in the face and deliver a lie with no change in composure. She lies when she doesnt even have to lie. Thats the weird part. Plus the lies usually fall a part and the truth comes out.
But she actually believes this alcoholic loser she thinks she is love with. Her life will get worse. Eventually she will begin drinking hard again, he will eventually beat her as he did his current wife.
But she actually believes this alcoholic loser she thinks she is love with. Her life will get worse. Eventually she will begin drinking hard again, he will eventually beat her as he did his current wife.
You are projecting something that may never be, typical co-dependent enabling behavior, to be ready and waiting to "protect and rescue" when the time comes! This Guy is how you stay on that wheel of insanity and keep getting sucked in.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Projecting?
Yeah...maybe a projection based on past experience.
No, I will not rescue again. Like you all said, the rollercoaster ride continues until you get off. I have to stay away before I do something stupid.
I still find it so hard to believe that she can tell me she loves me, want to be back with me and the kids, to be a family again. To let me buy her groceries, take her out to eat, help her get around......and at the same time carry on her affair with the loser.
All I needed was the truth. Silly girl, even if she had told me she was in love with the loser, I still would have helped her out if she needed it. She will always be the mother of my kids.
The Lies hurt, this as much as when I originally found out about her affair. I deserve better treatment. Ahhh....but who said life was fair....and deserves have nothing with it.
But as Nytepassion said " The pain stops when you stop". She is a smart lady.
No, I will not rescue again. Like you all said, the rollercoaster ride continues until you get off. I have to stay away before I do something stupid.
I still find it so hard to believe that she can tell me she loves me, want to be back with me and the kids, to be a family again. To let me buy her groceries, take her out to eat, help her get around......and at the same time carry on her affair with the loser.
All I needed was the truth. Silly girl, even if she had told me she was in love with the loser, I still would have helped her out if she needed it. She will always be the mother of my kids.
The Lies hurt, this as much as when I originally found out about her affair. I deserve better treatment. Ahhh....but who said life was fair....and deserves have nothing with it.
But as Nytepassion said " The pain stops when you stop". She is a smart lady.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I still find it so hard to believe that she can tell me she loves me, want to be back with me and the kids, to be a family again. To let me buy her groceries, take her out to eat, help her get around......and at the same time carry on her affair with the loser.
She will continue to do this sort of thing if she is in active addiction and as long as you will cooperate with her plans.
[QUOTE] I still would have helped her out if she needed it[QUOTE]
The silliness is also in us still 'helping' the addiction.
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