equus

D's decided to go back to the docs tomorrow and he's asked if I can go with him but said he might go alone. I'm relieved he's made his mind up, I really couldn't see him getting to work this week, he hasn't got out the house today.

I'm trying to let go of fear. I didn't even own a bed till my late 20's let alone a house, it's only bricks and mortar. Maybe I would be happier if it was already gone then I wouldn't fear losing it. I don't know what's happened to me, once upon a time I was content without things, now I can't imagine life without my computer or the house with the garden for the dogs. All the things have brought me is a trap of fear of losing them. How did serving grand meals become dependent on a table? Once upon a time I never had a table, except whatever was in the house where I rented a room - I still served huge meals. Years ago I worked 80 hours a week for next to no money but I loved my job - now I earn £20K a year but hate my job. The mortgage traps me there with fear.

I know what matters and what doesn't, I know what brings fear and what brings real happiness - but I'm stuck with how to truly let go of the things. When did I get so greedy and so rich I forgot I don't need this stuff to be happy?

The extent to which D fell apart last week while I was gone, the after effects he's still dealing with, inside my heart and head knows he's ill and just doing his best to hold it together. He's done what he agreed to, he hasn't drank again, he's made no excuses for drinking but I heard him losing it before he did last week - our friend saw the same. He needs help he'll only get if he stops trying so damn hard to hold everything - this bloody house and mortgage!!

I need my heart to be right before anything I say will make any difference. If my heart and mouth can tell him he can let go, tell him houses don't matter, tell him my happiness is inside me and us not things.

I'm just stuck 'cos I'm scared.

Minx1969

Equus,

I think that you have been doing phenomenally well with your recovery and supporting D in his recovery as well..I was really impressed with the way you handled his relapse last week..

I don't have any answers to letting go of fears of financial insecurity..It is one of my greatest fears as well..

Today I own a house and I have savings in the bank but I am most always in fear of losing all I have..(It's one step for me to homeless in my mind)..Reality is that although I've been kicked out of my house at 21 by my mom and I had an exbf leave me and break a lease, I've always had a roof over my head and been provided for..

I keep that in the back of my mind that I have friends that love me and would put me up if I needed to..

Hang in there! You are doing great..

Minx

minnie

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Equus)))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so proud of you!!! I think that's the first time you've asked for a hug and I am thrilled to be able to respond.

What's the worst that could happen as far as the house is concerned? That you have to move into a rented place? You know, I bought a house with a previous ex when I was in my late 20s. We'd had enough of renting etc etc. I bought his share from him when we split up, then sold it because I needed the money to live on whilst I set up my business. I was miserable because I felt like I was going backwards and more than 3 years on, I am still in a rented house. BUT, I am now in a house I adore and one that I could never afford to buy at the moment. So, whilst I'd like a place of my own, I can revel in the fact that I live in such a wonderful place.

Are you able to take a mortgage holiday? Do you have any redundancy cover with the mortgage? What about big picture thinking? Could this mean a fresh start for both of you in terms of jobs AND house?

Thinking of you both.

splendra

((((((equus)))))))

You are strong and I know you will be alright...

walkingtheline

(((equus)))

Fear is normal. You're doing great. Face each thing, one at a time. Use your well-honed reasoning skills and apply to each.

equus

That's what I don't understand the moment I bought a house I lost my freedom and sold off some of my honour keeping this damn job. My wages are a bribe and I take it every month to keep the roof, to keep things stable.

I was happier free when no-one on this earth could pay me to do what I didn't believe in. D isn't coping in the city, he isn't coping with the monthly mortgage but he's paying it - getting further into his own debt.

WOW!! I wrote that last sentance, the crux of it hit me. If I take on the mortgage alone I'm tied further to my job but I can release D from the pressure. Or I can accept losing the house. What's wrong, what I'm doing wrong that's causing me hurt is to leave that pressure on D even though I can see he's not managing. It hurts because D makes me happy the house doesn't and it's only fear stopping me from letting it go.

You're right Minx - I remember that too, we will have a roof, we won't starve, we just won't have the wealth us westerners get so damn used to.

pmaslan

(((equus)))

Two years ago i sold my home, the home I brought both of my children home from the hospital to.
I was suffering financially and it was either sell it and pay off bills or lose it.
I now live debt free. I live in a townhouse that is part of my salary. This week I am making an offer on a 2bedroom 2 bath condominium in a wonderful neighborhood. I will still have a good amount of money left after my downpayment in savings. However, after selling my previous home that i lived in for 15 years, I am fearful of what may happen in the future. I too feel I am one paycheck away from a shelter.
So I do understand your concerns and fears.....hang in there.
Love, Patty

susane1408

Busy at the mo but didn't want to miss giving you two a big hug.
(((((((((((((((((((((((E&D))))))))))))))))))))))))
I know you will find your way my dear, searching for answers is one of your strong points.

Minx1969

So true! I'm having a tough time right now since I am making good $$ in a job I don't love..It's getting to the point (at 36) that I no longer want to work for the man, but the $$ gives me other freedoms to do things I love..Riding lessons and travel..

It's a sacrifice and fear is keeping me working at this job..Don't think I'm ready to halve my salary yet and do something I love..at this point - it's just me paying all my bills..Not ready to get a roommate or cut my expenses..

I guess for me - it's a sense of entitlement..I feel entitled to my cable, my cell phone, my cleaning lady..I've worked hard and I deserve it (oh my overblown ego!)

I guess part of the reason I have my house is that it's earning me money and I want to retire someday..Don't want to be 80 and working at McDonald's (but I will if I have too!)

Cynay

*HUGS AND MORE HUGS*

That is a scarry thing, losing your home or being homeless.... the feeling of it. Things are just that things, there is nothing more important then your wellbeing and that of D's. What does your gut say?? Im sure you will make the right choice and it will come together like the big plan wants.

jojo

Equus -

I am gladly sending you a very big hug. You both have struggled so hard. I am sorry that D has had a slip. I understand your fears about losing what you have come to enjoy. I have found that by letting go of what I thought I had to have and learning to enjoy what I have is not as hard to do as I imagined. If scaling down will allow you both some sense of peace then you too can learn to love what you have. You know that you can live with less and be happy. You can look at this as an opportunity for both of you to do things that you enjoy and take alot of the stress off both of your shoulders. I wish you both the best and know that you will find a way.

Hugs, Jo

CarolD

I love fresh starts and new beginnings.

Hugs to both of you.

walkingtheline

Why do you have to "lose" the house?

Could you not a)look for a job you'll love in another location better suited for both you and D and
b)sell your existing home and
c)rent one just as suitable near the new job or, if it's a cheaper area, purchase one there?

And, if you netted a few pounds from the sale, you might have a small cushion to fall back on.

(((equus)))

cwohio

(((equus))) - keep posting - you always seem to clarify your feelings by putting them out there for us all to read and learn from. i know you will ultimately know what the right decision will be for you and D - in fact i have all the confidence in the world you will!

cwohio

(((equus))) - keep posting - you always seem to clarify your feelings by putting them out there for us all to read and learn from. i know you will ultimately know what the right decision will be for you and D - in fact i have all the confidence in the world you will!

cwohio

sorry about the double post - not sure how i managed that one!

equus

I know I've talked before about he friend I made in Sri Lanka - our driver. In Sri Lankan terms he was well off (in SL'an terms!!) but he had nothing like our wealth. I remember him buying a tiny coconut off an old man at the beach. I'd laughed at the sad offering - hung in it's soggy plastic bag it looked like a testicle! The old man tried to gesture it could be a salt pot but I laughing showed it fell over. Then Chinthaka handed the man a few rupees for the sorry specimin. The old man wanted more but Chinthaka said he had no more and handed him his whole wallet to look through - the guy checked, smiled and thanked Chinthaka. I was on holiday spending what would be a months wages to Chinthaka just on having fun but he never made me feel small for not buying the coconut, just as he never made the old man feel small even when he asked for more money, even as Chinthaka passed over his wallet.

As I got to know Chinthaka I couldn't understand why he hadn't got money for shoes on the wet day when he couldn't wear sandals he laughed at his 'antiques'. Then I noticed how much he loved music but hs tape player was too broken to play but he gave money to beggers, he gave money to friends. When I met his wife her shoes were new, his son and daughter wore good clothes, his daughter and son in law lived in his house, he raised money for his aunt to be in hospital. He was happy - his nickname was laughing Buddha.

Want and need is the same word in Sinhala - Chinthaka never could understand the need for 2 different words, he never understood how anyone would judge that for someone else. I realised after a couple of years his entire income was given away, not just to family and friends but to beggers too. I realised that he asked tourists to give to the poorest like the tea pickers and thought they were very generous, he even thought I was generous, he said what I keep is what I need/want (only one meaning to him) and what I give is what I don't - he said he was the same but he didn't need/want very much. He thought we were the same - I smoke a weeks income for his country in one day in mine. I keep what I want/need, I guess it's time to want/need a little less.

I've offered D to put all my wages in the joint account, but I won't fund even one drink - if he drinks I'll cancel the direct debit, but I don't think he would have anyway. Now is time for me to learn, to be family and not see him get further and further in debt. I've said we turn the heating off, we spend only what we have and try to see if we can keep this place - if not we let it go. He cried and said he couldn't live with the guilt - it's only the 2nd time I've seen him cry without me crying first, but I told him there can't be guilt because it's not taken it's given. He's promised to think about it.

Maybe if he has the chance to get well then he'll earn enough to return the favour so I can go back to study. I want to be a careers counsellor - I can try my best and do something that matters so much without living with what I see each day at work now.

I know he needs to be able to let go - just my instinct tells me. Like Chinthaka said if your friend 'ona' (want/need) and you can give then you give, if you can't then you can't, you keep what you 'ona'. Whenever I do like he said it never goes wrong - and maybe if I can have enough courage I can learn to laugh all the time like he did, sometimes giggling so much he'd fall off his chair or have to stop his car!

That's what I thought about while I went to my brother's - the best of stuff I've ever known has been nicked from others and when it came to living with less Chinthaka sprang to mind!

Oh and my broth has a new mobile and he got how to text!!! He was so happy! He's going to show off because my Dad can't text (it would help if Dad turned the bloody phone on now andagain!!).

splendra

are you going to give anyone a hug back?((((equus))))

equus

Me - cyber stuffffff???? eeeeeep....

Oh okay - I'll try..
((((((((((((((((((((((all yous up there)))))))))))))))))))))))

Zoey

equus... Many Hugs and Big Hugs to you both.
Would some lists help with this too??
List all good things about your job. All the little things you find rewarding. Then list the bad.
What I like about renting is, someone else pays the insurance, and repairs, and free to move in 30 days if want to. Well guess sometimes they want a lease for x number of months. Should be able to find something with a fenced yard for your pets.
My pets would be top priorty.
Might be good to look and see what would work??
Sometimes just making plans for change or survival helps us find answers and feeling prepared helps us relax.
Just ideas or suggestions. Might be good to sit down and cry. You seem to work so hard at everything.
I suspect you carry a bigger load at work than most. If someone is capable and responsible, they get to do it. I am just guessing. Have tea, cry and feel sorry for yourself for a while. Change of pace for you. I have done that, took my time and made everything as bad as possible and found every little thing I could add.
Bet the fight and finding the answers would kick in stronger than ever.
Sound crazy?? might be. Big thing, you have each other. Again Hugs Lv Ya