Soul Catcher

Please look up my screen name and read my other posts, too much to write to make you understand the situation. So here's a small briefing. I am 33. My children are 5,4,4. My husband has been out of our house for a bit over two years. For good, for a year. No sex, no emotional bond from me anymore, only phone contact. I was letting him come to see the kids on some weekends but he blew that because he had to "try" to get drunk and he always got too drunk and I could tell so I would make him leave. So now, he works in a few county's away and every two weeks he puts money into my account and I pay all our bills and even have left over to live the nice life I do. He lives on minimal (or so I think) so me and the kids can have what we need. He has his own apartment. So I have a nice house, our kids and his money. What's the complaint?? I don't know! Everyone says I have it made. I feel like he's commited a crime and I have the sentencing. He has his own life back and more or less single and I live and breath for our kids. I do it all. I have to keep up the house, deal with the bills, deal with the kids. Don't get me wrong I love my babies. I just can NOT handle the fact that he got some girl pg many years ago and he left her to "deal" with the child, he does NOT pay childsupport for that child who is now 11. He also has another five year old little girl that he doesn't even want to know from another woman so that woman has to deal with his child. Now here's me and now I have to "deal" with it too? Why do I want him to suffer and pay? I feel like he should be put behind bars for abandoning his children for alcohol. He could get help if he wanted to. To him he has it made...three woman with five kids and he has no responsibility other then financial. To some that is good enough, its not to me. I am far from ugly and I am scared to look for a guy because of my children safety and because I do NOT want to have another screw up in my life. I don't know what I want but I am not content. What is wrong with me? Is this a stage? Has anyone dealt with this? Do I have it made? Do I just suck it up and feel priveledge. I do not have to work either. I hate this man for what he has done. I didn't sign up for this crap, he was supposed to parent with me...SOBER. He should do jail time for being an "emotionally" dead beat dad. IT's not about the money, I'd rather be struggling financially and have a wonderful father and husband for me and my children. I am so confused. I feel like I can not go to my friends because like I said they think I have it made for my situation. I feel like I am wasting away. Mind you, I do NOT have a sitter and won't leave my kids with anyone, I am very over protective. So my life always has them in it. I get so tired and wore down. I am supermom I think to make up for his lack of parenting. I go to church for a positive focus but everyone there has someone and here comes pretty semi single girl so all the woman shun me there. Am I in a mid life crisis? I don't stress myself too much with my AH problems and he hates that but I can not take on that anymore. I have no feelings for him at all. If he died, I don't care. He has made me think he's a waste in society even though he treats cancer patients. He's a waste besides that. He doesn't even try to find help he knows whole heartedly is he an outrageous flamming alcoholic. He doesn't care but says he does. To hear him talk he loves me and loves the kids...but apparently he hasn't had the time in six years to do anything about it. I am so sorry this is long but I need something, some kind of input and lots of it. Make me realize something please. Tell me straight up what you think...pleeeeeaaassse.

CarolD

you need something to do. A break from being Mom.

I had 3 under 5 years old and my piolet husband was
often gone. I did Red Cross volunteer work to be around
adults. Helped them and me too!

Just my experience.

minnie

Oh Soul Catcher, you sound in such a spin. Hopefully you can get some responses here to help.

You did ask, so I will give it to you straight. Please remember that you can take what you like and leave the rest and that whatever I say on these boards is with love and compassion.

For start, I think you are very fortunate to have no financial worries. That is one less thing you have to worry about. But that's not everything, is it? Also, please bear in mind that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and your husband does not support two of his other children. I would hate to think that there would come a time when you are left high and dry financially with no back-up plan in place.

I totally understand your frustrations about your husband not facing up to his non-financial responsibilities. My ex has a 13 year old son from a previous marriage and it used to break my heart to see him crying out for that emotional bond with his father. But what did you expect from your husband? He'd done the same before. And he is an alcoholic. You seem to be expecting healthy behaviour from an unhealthy individual. He will only get real on his own, you can't make him do it. So getting angry and frustrated at him is only harming yourself.

I understand where you're coming from. This is a problem you CAN do something about. As you get healthier, you will learn how to separate the men from the boys. Al-anon or counselling can work wonders for you. You can change the patterns in your life.

Or are you creating a barrier around yourself so that you don't have a life of your own? I don't know, just something to think about.

I spent a lot of my life feeling like that. Then I realised that I was looking to other people to fill that emotional void in my soul. No-one else can do that for me, I need to do it myself. And it's starting to happen. Not overnight, but very gradually. And it is through al-anon, counselling and reading that I am strarting to get somewhere.

You can do this, hon. It will take hard work and time, but you can do it. And you will set a far greater example to your children as a healthy person than an angry and frustrated one.

Keep posting. It always helps to get it out.

Love

Minnie
xxx

best

What did you have or do before he left? I am thinking you paid all the bills, kept the house in order, handled the children as needed, delt with what ever came along daily.
I don't see it as he has things so great. I see it as he has things real bad.
he is the one who doesn't get to see the children grow. His loss.
He is the one who will feel the emotional scare of realizing his children don't know him because of his own actions or in-actions. He is the one who doesn't have a plan for today or tomorrow.

Don't think what he has is nice in any light but do look upon your own life and list all the wonderful things around you. Dwell on the negative and your life will feel negative.
You have the blessings each and every day of being able to hold your babies.
As for a rest time for mom... even if it means hireing a baby sitter for an hour once or twice a week...do it and take a nice long bubble bath.
There are other ways to find moments for you then the need of having the dad around for a break every so often.

Zoey

Don't you have a safe well run day care where you live, Would be good for you to go out a day if not every week then every 2 weeks. I t would be very good for the childern too. You all get away for a day or at least an afternoon.????
Best said it well. Very well.

How about a friend that has childern, could you invite them over, kids could play with you right there, and Mom's could chat, or play a game of some sort.??
I know you feel really down right now. Hope things look up for you. I am sure it will.

HUGS clancy46

Beautiful

That exhaustion was shared by me as well and my AH lives in our house. What I found is that alcoholics marry achievers. Maybe it's because they need someone to pick up all of the trail of sh*t they leave behind. Your children need a break from you and you need a break from them. That's just part of being a mom. Take a step back and breathe. I did and it's amazing how quickly I could restore balance. I got a housekeeper.

Feels great!

Soul Catcher

I live comfortably for me anyways, however daycare would cost $300 a week or just a bit less. Too much for me. But great suggestion, I have thought about that a few times, trust me! I also thought about Al-anon and you can not bring children. I seriously do not even know any teens either. All my friends have four or more children and have their own kids to watch and do not want three more. I've tried! I am usually the one watching their kids. My kids will usually play in the room and give me a break so I can take a hot bath or be alone and on the computer or something, its not the same as taking a day at the beach or anything but I take it! I think they do need a break away from me, I have to agree with you on that. We go to church on Sundays and they are with the teachers. I thought about going on Wednesdays too just to have more adult conversations too. You each had valid points and great advice. Your right about him being the one losing out and I guess I needed to hear that again. It is also true that he picked up an achiever and I used to pick up his trash. I quit doing that or it all just became my stuff to take care of. It's alot of work keeping a house together. I have roofers coming tomorrow and a remodler to rebuild our bathroom. The hurricane blew the patio off and totalled our roof and here comes more hurricanes! My ah called today and was very pleasant and said "I hope you and the kids had a great Fourth of July and tell them I love them" and I said "you know you gave up five days you could have spent with them and instead chose to drink it all away" He didn't have a reply. You know A's it's always someone else's fault or a good excuse. I should start a book with the excuses alcoholics have used. Unreal.
I try to live positive and see good things but there are so many minutes in a day and sometimes I can not take it....I get mad at myself because sometimes I want to run away. Sometimes I wish a stranger would walk up to me and just hug me just for anothers touch. I welcome a man looking at me and smiling just to know I am a woman. I need to hear my children are good kids so I know I have been doing a good job alone. I wish I was missed and wanted, beside by my kids. I am 33 and I am scared that this is it. My looks will fade and I will lose all time and then look back and have done everything just for my kids, will I regret it? Would I have changed it? Would I have had it any other way? I can not become young again. I miss butterfly's in my stomach, can I ever trust anybody again? I feel so numb towards my ah, I really do not think I would care if I got a call and he was dead. I used to adore this man, why did he take that away from himself. I'm sorry, I'm still a lost soul!

splendra

Alot of churches have a "mothers morning out" program. Maybe you could do something part time and not have to pay so much for child care.

Your oldest will be in school soon so you would only have to pay for two in day care soon...

Their father is the one missing out that is for sure....you are the fortunate one and at least you are receiving support many single parents don't get any support and have to work all the time.

I hate what Oncologist do to people...maybe that's why he drinks so much

Zoey

I am past knowing about day care, but arn't there some when you can do just by the day or afternoon, and not have to pay a full month???

Being a good Mom is the greatest job in the world. IMO you will never regret being a good Mom.
I understand wanting the hug's from a man that cares. even if they care, that HUG would mean nothing unless we cared very much for them.
Was he once a good loving person that you once loved???
Perhaps one day something will wake him up?
You have every right to feel as you do.
Reading and learning was my best help. Have you ever checked out the AA Big Book??, the libarary would have it and also an Al-Anon book.

Mybe I would give a try of never saying one word about his drinking, or what he has missed, maybe just tell cute things the kids said or did, and say I wish you would have seen them doing such and such, with nothing about it being his fault or his drinking. My thought is they hear a critisim and that is what sticks, and maybe the quilt makes them think, the hell with it, and more drink to forget. I am just a firm believer in not mentioning the drink and act like they are smart, adult, strong man that knows what they are doing, Then perhaps they can think about what they are doing????

I make suggestions only, each case is different, and you have to be yourself, it can't be false, you kinda got to believe in what you do.

Do you ask his opinion on things?? Maybe you have tried all this, sometimes nothing works. Again just suggestions and idea's. LV YA clancy46

gelfling

Just a short post on your title...you have it made.

They're not in your heart. Comfort isn't the only thing in this life to make us happy. Love, compassion, understanding, and on and on and on.

The End.

FriendofBill

I hear a lot of anger and hurt in your post. Unless you want to keep feeling that way, I suggest you do something to change yourself. Al-anon has worked for me.

May I suggest you write yourself a gratitude list, perhaps starting off the list would be that you are lucky enough that you do not have to work for a living, that you have healthy kids that love you, that you have a church you believe in...etc

For me, when I am stuck in the muck of anger and self-pity, focusing in on the things I DO have works everytime.

reikihelps

Dear Soul Catcher,

Hi, my dear. Sorry to hear of all your distress. Even in a two parent home, parents need a good amount of solo time to be well. Here are a few suggestions that you've heard before:
Alanon,Alanon,Alanon,Alanon,Alanon,Alanon
It took me three years to get myself to go, then, it took 6 differernt meetings til the light bulb went "on" and I realized this is how I can take care of me. I must admit, people here in this forum told me to go and I thought it wasn't something that could help. My Gosh. Was I wrong. It is helping me in so many ways that it will eventually affect those I love, too. What you can learn for you and for your kids is a healthy way to think and be. We are all affected by the disease of alcoholism, even those in a family who don't drink.
Here there is one meeting a week where you can take kids and there is what is called alatot and alakid group while Alanon meets.
As far as sitters, you can contact a local high school, ask if there is a service organization where kids earn volunteer hours. Our school has kids who will sit for free and earn service hours.
lastly, consider creating rotating playdates with a few families nearby. One parent watches the kids while the others get a couple hours to themselves.And the kids typically love time with other kids.
Hang in there. They won't be little very long.
In the meantime take care of you. The rewards are amazing

peace,
Reikihelps

Soul Catcher

OK I am hearing you loud and clear. I will call again for al anon where I can bring my children. Six months ago I tried to find one and there was no such thing. In fact, there was only one al anon place where they held meetings in my area and they said no childre at all. I did try al anon meeting on line but it didn't really do anything like being there in person would have.
I do have alot of hurt and anger. I am not ready to let go of that yet. I will try to not mention the drinking or alcoholism to my ah. I will try to only talk about what the kids did. He tries to tell me things to be my friend but I can't talk to him like that any more because I don't have even friendship feelings for him right now. I let the kids talk to him today, for them and I listened to everything of course and when he heard our son's voice on the phone you could tell he wanted to break down and cry because I actually LET them call. My ah told our five year old son that he was still very sick and daddy was trying to make himself better and it's going to take some time and that he couldn't come to visit until he got better. I know this sounds cruel but it felt good to hear him in pain. For a split second he felt the hurt for the kids that I feel for them. His heart broke and he felt helpless for those few moments. You all know that if we could we would heal them in a second and sometimes walking away emotionally and physically and mentally will be the only healing they need from us.
In an email I wrote to my ah I asked him "now that I am walking away from you, who is there to love you?" The sad truth for him is me and the kids are ALL he has. We are all he has to live for, he works for us. He hasn't commited suicide because he does love us. I know he wants to quit if he could. He just can't. He always wants to quit the day after he drinks but then after the yucky feeling wears off he's looking for his next fifth of vodka. I wonder if I should put my name on this house. It's in his name and if he died I wonder if I would be left with nothing? Should I put my name on it?
So anyway...I will call al anon tomorrow to find out if anything has come about since the last time. I really appreciate you all finding the time to write to me. Muah!

Zoey

YES, your name should be on the house. i would maybe call a lawyer and ask how it should be worded. Most lawyers let us ask one quick questiom free. Check their ads.
I do think that the wife gets 1/3rd. and then the childern own the other 2/3rds. That is if you are married. think you said you are. Think you wld get in case of death no matter if your name not on it.
However if you have said you are leaving I doubt he will agree to adding your name right now. It has to have a redone deed like Jon Doe sells to Jon and Jane Doe or some such thing. doesn't cost but few dollors.
In case of divorce it may have to be sold and half the money given to you??

Don't take this as written in stone, each state different and things change, and all I know is things I have heard. Take care Lv Ya clancy46

reikihelps

This one's easy. yes get your name on everything If your house doesn't have your name on it, do your credit cards? If not, changing that would be a good idea.
While you're calling Alanon, ask if they have any ideas for sitters if there is no meeting w/ children.
In my humble opinion, what you're feeling is normal. That's the deal.....you can express all of those emotions in a meeting. It will take time, but you'll begin to feel better.
I know what you mean about experiencing "feeling good when he experiences pain." I know when our A experiences remorse and pain, I get this artificial hope that swells and says "maybe this time he'll really change." I'm working on that. I don't want my feelings to be a result of what he's feeling and doing. I want my feelings to be just that - my feelings.
It'll take time.
Don't know if this will help.....I called a friend in Alanon and she said to remember that my A has a Higher Power and I'm not it!!!!! Somehow that got through this thick head o mine.
Reikihelps
(((Michele)))

Zoey

Maybe get your own seperate credit card, if he has good credit. I have heard stories of stay at home Mom's not being able to get credit after a divorce. Just try to cover all bases just in case.
Getting into Al-Anon gives you access to lots of advise for your area etc. Once started pick a sponser for questions, they usually love to help.

Soul Catcher

Neither one of us have credit cards, by choice. I have the bank account in my name only. Only the house and the bills are in his name. Everything is paid from my accounts and bank card and my checks. I did not call al anon today because we have a hurricane ready to possibly hit and I was at the store getting prepared with the little ones. I will call on Monday when this dang hurricane has passed. I may not be able to post back either until it passes. Thanks again.

reikihelps

Has the hurricane passed? We hope you are safe and dry, Soul Catcher.
RH

blueangel

SKATING..... I found in raising my daughter that I could take her skating and while she was skating and making friends, I could sit there and watch her having a good time, and relax myself. I even meet other parents doing the exact same thing as I was. I know, I know... I'm supossed to be saying go to alanon mettings but skating is something simple and inexpensive that everyone can enjoy, and everyone gets the much needed break they so much deserve. the alanon meetings are a help but a little fun doesn't hurt either.

Soul Catcher

Your sweet to suggest that but my kids are only 5,4,4. We do tons of things, park, swimmng pools, beach, gymnastics, dance classes, ect. They do things with me sitting away from them but it would be nice to have a break break. Moms out there who are single know what I mean. Some of you may take Pee'ing for granted. hahaha I would LOVE to do that alone.