Live in Hope

I dont know if anyone can offer some advice on my situation. Ive been reading a few posts & can see pieces of my situation in others so I've decided to ask for advice myself.
My husband & I have been married for 11 months. We've been together 13 years He is an alchoholic & he knows he is (well some of the time). He has attempted an AA meeting but said he couldnt cope with the other attendees talking about how rubbish their lives were.
He drinks every day after he comes home from work. The pattern is usually he comes in & either drinks beer in the house or 'pops out for an hour' which inevitably means he's gone for at least 3 & comes home drunk.
I dont really know how to put everything into words. I'm so angry & frustrated because I have no-one to talk to about any of this. We dont live near any of my family & I dont have many friends mainly because we cant afford for us both to have a social life!
This week has been one in which I've been thinking a lot about things & I know I cant spend the rest of my life putting up with this type of exsistence. I've tried talking to him but it usually ends up in an argument with him turning things around on to me. A brief rundown of this week goes like this:
It was his birthday on monday, I had got him presents & a cake & had planned to take him out to dinner. When I told him the plan for the evening he told me he'd planned to go to the pub at the end of our street for a drink. He knows I never go to the pub because I dont think much of it in there & he is well aware of this so to my mind he knew I wouldnt go. He blew me & dinner out. I got upset when he was out. On tuesday he said he'd heard off his dad who had wanted to take him out for a birthday drink. I said I may as well be single for the amount of time we spend together so he sat on the couch drinking & sulked the whole night. We didnt talk much. Yesterday I got up & burst into tears.This isnt like me at all. We had an argument before I went to work. The whole thing was basically that I cant cope with this any more. He needs to show more interest in me. We havent shared a bed in 18 months because he usually passes out on the couch. He does occasionally find his way upstairs. I'm just so down about things. yesterday he was working late so he drank in the house when he got in. Tonight we were supposed to be cleaning the house in preparation for my family comming to visit this weekend. He 'popped out for an hour' becuse he'd had a rubbish day at work. He came back too late to help me then started to get really picky as if he was fishing for an argument. For some reason this happens a lot when he's been to the pub. I think it may have something to do with what he drinks when he's there. He made himself something to eat then passed out on the couch again. I'm married to a man I love but have no relationship with & will always come 2nd place to him getting drunk. This is just the short version of how I feel. Lonley, sad, angry, frustrated, trapped.

Gabe

Hey LIH,
Lot's of people here who will relate to that statement.
Nothing you can do about his drinking problem.
That's his beast to tackle.
Plenty you can do for you.
Coming here was a great start.
Stick around.

queenofthehwy

Welcome LIH!

Glad you found this place and hope that you are able to stick around. You will find a lot of great advice here. Keep reading and posting. Remember you can only work on you and what you want.

(((hugs)))
Mindi

elizabeth1979

On a light note, I have to say I am absolutely fascinated with the way all my SR Friends from the UK talk! I am serious, my exes mother is from there and I just listen to her talk and it makes me smile.. I want to pop out for a bit, and I want to ring someone to talk..ok I am so sorry...didnt get alot of sleep last night.
Try and remember that there is NOTHING you can do to make him more interested in you, less interested in drinking and so forth. The emptiness and lonliness can only be filled by you and by you doing things that make you happy. Hope you are feeling better

zoe

Hi LIH!!!!
My sister and my H are both alcoholics and in speaking to both they have told me the same thing about AA. Both of them however do well with a personal counselor. My sister is bipolar and manic depressive. She says the same thing your H does. She says that going and listening to other peoples stories makes her come out wanting to drink more. She gets much more from personal therapy. My H was not comfortable with the AA thing for reasons unknown. He said he just was not comfortable. He has started going to a personal counselor and seems to be doing well. He has discussed his meetings with me and has been very upbeat and enthusiastic about his therapy. We have become more open with each other over the past 2 weeks wich I see as a good thing. My H was dragging his feet on the counselor however until we sat down and had a face to face (sober). I explained to him that I did not see him doing anything to further his recovery and I needed to get past this. I could not do that if he was not doing his part and If I needed to remove him from my life to get past the crap I would. I explained it was not a threat it was just what I needed to do. I told him that for the price of a divorce he could go to more than 20 meetings with a therapist. The following day he started making phone calls.
I would not suggest anyone take the actions that I did as situations are all different, this just seemed to finally get through to him after 15 yrs of madness.
Hugs and prayers for you
Zoe

queenofthehwy

Me too, it's so cool. I like this one I read from Minnie "spot on" it makes me smile!!!



Sorry LIH to derail your thread! But I just had to agree!!

prodigal

... but it ain't gonna be him. Sorry. An addict's first love is their addictive agent. That's what working a program is all about; specifically, I'm referring to Al-Anon. You get your focus off the drunk and onto getting YOUR needs met. As long as he's picking up, he cannot and will not meet your needs and expectations. That hurts. You get upset. You get angry. And he continues to drink. Believe me, the first time I detached from the chaos and insanity my AH was trying to suck me back into, he almost freaked out! Now his disease was HIS responsibility and not mine. I wasn't ticking him off (which gave him another excuse to drink) so he could only see himself as responsible for his choice to remain addicted.

I cannot explain the miracle of finally understanding and working the 12-steps, but they DO work and when you change the A in your life will have no choice but to change. Granted, it may not be the change you desire - he may decide to take up with another woman or just leave. But things can and do change for the better.

Perhaps it's time for you to take a step of faith and find some meetings to attend. You're stressed out and need people to talk to who can relate to your situation. Believe me, your AH isn't stressing - he's enjoying the mayhem he creates and HE'S STILL DRINKING.

mallowcup

I prayed and prayed for something to change in my first marriage. I KNEW God would somehow save my mind and my marriage. My husband was not just an alcoholic, he smoked pot and developed a coke habit. We had two of the most presious boys. I go the whole array of advice. Hang in there. Pray. You made your bed..... God will change him. In the meantime I was getting beaten to smithereens. Broken ribs, popped ear drum, nooooooooooo sex etc. The only thing more beaten than my body was my spirit. I had no friends anymore, he chased them all off, With only him telling me who I was, I believed him. He handed me a loaded gun and told me to just shoot myself. I actually considered it. It was so much worse than I will tell now. I swear I had a lightbulb moment. An answer to prayer I'm sure of it, it was TOOOOOOO clear. I had this thought as if it was the clearest I had ever had........"You have prayed for God to answer you, he has over and over and over. This is not where He wants you to be. God created marriage and it is a public statement that a couple makes to show they honor this holy institution and agree to live by its vows. He said, think of what you said when you took your vows. Now, think of the promises made to your ear and your ear and your God. Those vows have been broken so your marriage honors nothing, it is in fact a mockery. This does not please God. God does not join every man and woman therefore He will not bless every union. Some are situations we chose not God. God has nothing to do with it until it falls apart, then God gets invited in. God had been telling me to run, get out, He would not have me hurt, a woman who's husband drinks to excess and eats his wife down mentally and physically is no evidence of a loving God. Run!Run! Run! It hit me right between the eyes..........."You are exactly ONE decision from having a whole new life." I realize that we are all exactly one decision away from a new life. I truely believe a loving spouse is an opportunity for a drinker and what they do with that opportunity is up to them. We anticipate how hard it will be. WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!Don't you believe it. No money? So what, you already know how to live without money, go get food stamps. So what. You have no idea, no idea!!!!!!!! I walked out of that house with a five year old and a six month old. NOT ONE DIME IN MY POCKET. It was live or die time. I called a cop, he took us to a shelter where they helped me get an order of protection served and he was removed from the house. They called and said he had been removed, done while we were gone. We stayed in the shelter for three days. We returned home the day before Thanksgiving. We played games, watched our shows on TV, cuddled on the couch. We hadn't lived in our house ever, we walked on eggshells. The peace an freedom were enough. Just a month prior it was impossible. I saw friends. We went to the park. We had fun without alot of money. This is when Gods plan kicked in with the impossible. They had all kinds of programs and services I applied for. In high school the told me I wasn't bright enough to go to LPN school so I didn't try. They put me in a program to be an LPN in 10 months. Impossible dream. The classes were an hour away and my car was a tin can. The night before I was supposed to start the school called me and said the classes had been canceled. There wasnt enough enrolled. I got call right after that saying they had enrolled me into an RN program at a colege 20 minutes away. No I was really nervous. I couldn't be an RN!!!!!!!!!! I went on welfare, went to college for three years and now I am the Charge RN at the largest Peidatric Unit in the area. Impossible but it's true. I look back and it couldn't have happened but it did. Gods plan is not to live in anything less than the best He can give you. Don't live this way. Make that one decison, it's the only thing between you and being happy. God is hearing you and He is answering you! Run!

Cherokee Maid

WOW, it is humbling to read these posts. Let me share my story. I married my AH 4 years ago. He is 14 years my senior and has been "sober" for 25 years. Problem is I seem to have all the same issues I see described here. He is controlling, doesn't actually forbid me to go places or have friends but makes it almost impossible. Whenever he is not the center of attention, sulks, feins a headache and literally throws a wet blanket on the occasion...like when we visit my children/grand children. He had a fit when I wanted to use a free plane ticket in Feb to take my daughter with me to visit her brothers baby whining about how "we were going to use those". He claims to discuss everything $$ but it is him telling me what is what I have no say. He also makes sure whatever he has is one step better than everyone else. He bought us cellphones, his was with all the bells and whistles, mine was the basic model. I don't give a hang about the phone it is the principle. He scours over the phone bill to see who I have called and when etc etc etc. When I asked once why he never sent me flowers he said" Well you never sent me any either.....It is like I don't exist anymore

sinclair

I wish we could be in a room together and give eachother hugs. How sad it makes me feel to read all of our gloom. Although I am glad I am not alone, and have found this forum, sometimes it makes me so sad fo all of us. How can we get through all of this pain? I am a devout Christian (mormon) and have found strength through prayer and fasting and through my clergy and friends. But sometimes it is not enough... the lonely nights, the lonely days, being ignored. Even when he is sober (alledgedly) I don't get any attention, unless he needs money. I know the advice is good - go out and get hobbies, and friends, etc.- but it doesn't take the place of a lost relationship with a spouse. I'm in my late thirties and wonder if I'll ever have sex again or feel attractive. We were all in the bay area this weekend and we went out walking after dinner and a few men looked my way, and let me tell you for a moment I felt pretty good. I had a smile on my face and thought all was not lost. then later that night in bed, once again no affection, nothing. Can we really find fulfillment with our A who may or may not recover? I wonder.

bluester

" I'm married to a man I love but have no relationship with & will always come 2nd place to him getting drunk. This is just the short version of how I feel. Lonley, sad, angry, frustrated, trapped".
Live in Hope....know how you feel. Coming in second place to drink,sucks! My AH won't admit he has a problem. He thinks alcoholics are people who have to have drink first thing in the mornings....get falling down drunk before noon,black out at the pub. Every weekend we go through the same old crap. AH starts drinking and keeps it up all weekend. I am alone and lonely. Gets really old...doesn't it? Know there is better out there.
Some people on forum have left and are better off. Guess that is the reason I am planning on leaving later this year. Getting money together and got a goal. Told my AH I was leaving yesterday..didn't know if I would come back to UK in May. It is very hard to be in this type stituation. Deattaching with love....looking after yourself. But after seeing examples of people who have left here...thinks its worth a shot. I can't live my life like this any more. Sorry to go on. Just wanted to let you know..you aren't alone. There are other people who are going through what you are. So don't give up. Hang in there. Keep posting and know you will be heard and cared about.

cupowater

Yep. Mine too. I think the only time I see him sober is On Saturday durring the day! I work Sunday - Wed, and he M-F, So the only day we have off together is Saturday. He's great to be around then! But I really don't like to be around him when he is drinking.