brightlight

I am writing this to just get it all out. I see so many of us here suffering so much because of these people. My AH has almost ruined my life for 3 years of drinking. He has put scars on me and our children. I have let him get to me where I have caused more drama than ever needed to happen. I do not have to lose sleep. I do not have to allow him to bother me. The other night he said he was going to the bar and this rage built up in me and I got this pain in my stomach that I used to get. I felt it and said ENOUGH. I am not going to get sick because of him. He is not ruining my evening. I am in the warm house. I am with my beautiful kids. I am going to enjoy my evening and I am going to go to bed on time. Why should my stomach hurt? WHO CARES!!!!!! My stomach quit hurting. I see I can control this. Not him, but myself. I see all the damage I have allowed to happen. One of the biggest dramas I created was a Sat. My mother was in a nursing home last year. She was 89, blind, dementia, could not walk anymore, had a catheter in all the time, had a pacemaker. She was still cheerful and my brother went daily to see her and very rarely missed a day. I went every few days to see her. My brother had seen her on Friday and all was fine. Sat. I had the kids in the truck and I thought my husband was at the bar across the street and did not even look at the bar to see if he was there, but my daughter looked back and said our car is not at the bar. I should have just kept going, but I said are you sure and turned around. I thought my brother had already left to go see our mother and I was planning on a nice visit with both of them, but I just had to look and no husband at the bar. I called him and he was at a ball game. Watching the team that the bar had formed. I had a fit because he had been at the bar drinking and then drove all the way across town after he told me he would not drink and drive He said he was coming back to the bar and I went towards the ball game and saw him and followed right on his bumper back to the house and yelled at him and had a fit. Stuff like if he was going to a ball game why not take the kids and not drink till later. Jumped on him about drinking and driving. Well then I did not go to the nursing home, it was late. Next day I did not go because I had to work and my brother went. He found her in pain and crying. He had them put her to bed. He came over and told me and said to go the next morning to see her. I went and found her in bed in pain and almost out of it. Dehydrated and suffering. Took till the next day to get her to the hospital. Back and forth to her doctor and getting the medicine for her. I keep thinking if I had gone on Sat. and found her with any signs of something wrong that this would not have happen. If they could have started the antibiotics sooner. I would probably feel this way no matter what happened when it came her time to go, but I just wish I had gone that day and not allowed him to get to me like that. She had a bad infection and they gave her IV fluids and she finally started talking again and my brother and I got to see that she was not mad at us. She did not talk for days and I thought she had slipped further away with the dementia, but she started to eat and she knew we were there, but she developed congestive heart failure and died a few days later. I now have to think about when I get in a rage about him, will I have a heart attack because I am so mad? Will I say something I regret or my kids will never forget. How much time and effort am I wasting? I have learned it is not worth it. I can sleep now when he is not home. I am going to have a good life even if he does not. He wants to quit and on the days he sees that I am having fun without him, he is miserable. He went one Sat. and stayed late. Next morning he had to go to work. I got up that Sun. after sleeping good. Took the kids to Sunday school. I went to church, washed the truck, went shopping, made cookies. Had a great day and when he got off work he went to the bar and later he called and wanted to know how I was. I said fine. He was all down. He thought sure I would yell and have a fit. Let him see that I missed him or something, but I said I was fine and the kids were fine. He had not seen us since like Sat. noon because he had gone to the bar straight from work and we were in bed when he came home. He had gone to the bar straight from work the next day and he was sad. He came home and our son met him at the door and said he was having a party. He had music on and was playing he was giving a party. I was helping our daughter with school work and we were talking and laughing. We had already had supper and he had to go warm up leftovers. Nobody was sad. Nobody missed him. He went off to bed and we stayed up laughing and talking. He did not go to the bar for a couple days after that, but I think that is the answer. Just go on with life and leave them in the dust. I still love him, but not the same. I have learned to love me some too. Hope everybody is having a nice Easter. My kids are excited about life and I am going to spend my time with them and let that rub off on me. They are so happy about eating a chocolate Easter bunny, LOL I have to have chocolate today.

Lorelai

[QUOTE=brightlight]. but I think that is the answer. Just go on with life [QUOTE]

I think that is the answer too. Just go on with life. If the alcoholic chooses to join us, he will. If he chooses not to join us, at least our lives are not lost. The choice is always his. We don't have any control over his decisions. We DO have control over ours.
Hugs - L

sunshinebluesky

exactly!!! whether we are physically still with them-like so many-or without-like i am. its been two months and i still feel very good about my decision. i think he is trying to impress me with some things, but he is still in denial about what would really impress me. (though at this point, i couldnt promise him i would go back if he does quit drinking) when you finally let go, and give it to them......it becomes so much easier.

wraybear

Bright, thanks for sharing such an honest post. It does seem sometimes we create our own misery. It has taken me 15 years to realize, I CONTROL MY DESTINY, I CONTROL MY PEACE, etc. I know how difficult it is living with an active drunk. It is so sad. I hope some "newbies" read your post and learn, that they don't have to suffer for years like we have.

Kids can teach us so very much - I hope I take more time to listen, like you said... "My kids are excited about life and I am going to spend my time with them and let that rub off on me." How wonderful.

Glad you had some chocolate today too!

cupowater

Yep. Mine comes home from work and makes dinner, then goes to the bar and don't come home till after I'm in bed. I just go on with MY life, and make sure I'm happy! If he wants to drink his away, thats his choice!