bush

Thank you Denny for a reply that was a million times more constructive than mine!

We've spoken about my feelings several times and she says it won't always be like this as she won't always be doing the steps. She's been re-doing the steps since January - that's almost a year! If she plans to do them every year, as she's suggested, will it always be like this?

I completely understand what you're saying about other people's way of living being different AND okay. My problem, I guess, it that in sharing a space, and indeed a life together, how can two very different ways of living compromise and co-exist?

Thanks again - I was expecting a lot of abuse - I may still get it!

GiveLove

You might indeed, as there are a lot of people here who would literally KILL to have a partner that worked the steps at all (smile) It's very possible that your GF's overkill on step work is exactly what's keeping her from going back to drinking. What you're perceiving as obsession might be an honest investment of energy and dedication in staying sober. There's just no way to know, because SHE might not even really know. Everyone's different.

I DO understand your frustration, honest to god I do. And if you're unhappy with the relationship and it doesn't look like it's going to change, then you have to make the right moves for yourself. Alcoholics often have other addictive behaviors and I know it can be nuts.

But before you take that step, what would happen if you were to compromise? Say, you made a special date each week to go through your upcoming week's schedule, maybe over an awesome breakfast on Sunday. Figure out a good balance between time at work, time together, time apart (i.e. her step work and your own interests). Make sure she knows that this is something that is really, really important to you (don't assume she's a mind reader) Act like a team and find a solution, rather than letting yourself be contemptuous of her choices because they're not choices you feel YOU'D ever make. That's irrelevant.

Do you have a social life outside your GF? Do you have your own stuff, your own friends, your own passions that don't require her to participate? Are you leaning heavily on her for your happiness, or did you bring your own to the party? What does SHE say when you tell her you're feeling that you're not spending enough time doing things together? Are you honest with her about how close you are to breaking up, or are you thinking "she should just KNOW. It's so obvious."

Just some things to think about. My husband and I have that "week balancing" conversation every week. It's important to both of us that we don't ever......well........have the kind of conflict you do. We're stronger when we're honest with each other and try to find common ground.

Good luck with everything
GL

TTOSBT

Hi luvbug! Welocme!
I just wanted to say that working Step 4 is a tough one (I am 5 months sober and currently working on step 4) and it brings up a lot of old stuff. Ugh. It is unpleasant for me and has caused some moods that I have had to apologize or ask for patience for from my husband. I personally can not imagine being in a new relationship during this stage in my recovery. Often sponsors recommend that someone not start a relationship until they are a year sober or have completed the steps, whichever comes last.

So, since you are already in a relationship
My advice is to be as supportive as you can and know that he is not going to be his regular self during this time of self inventory. There is going to be some ups and downs while he gets through this and it is goiing to be all about him and not much about the relationship for a bit. Be as supportive as you can. And if you are interested in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, it would be best fpr you to educate yourself on this disease and your healthiest options in living with an alcoholic in your life.
Best of luck to you both! :ghug2

josoares

Thank you Natalie, it's just so confussing. I wish he would at least talk to me. He is so distant. Good luck sweetie.

Pelican

Welcome to SR josoares,

I just wanted to point out that this thread was originally posted in 2005, and then again in 2008. Some of these members are no longer posting. I see you have started another current thread. Hopefully, you will get some support and wisdom from some of the wonderful people here.

I found the sticky posts at the top of this forum very helpful to me. I realized that I am not alone in dealing with the fallout from living with an alcoholic.

Welcome :ghug

bush

Hello all, I hope you are all well.

Just thought I'd update here for anyone that's interested.

Well, we broke up last October. Seeing as I posted in October, you can probably tell I was at the end of my tether...

It was entirely amicable, and in a first for me, we're still very good friends and meet up regularly.

She recently got a new boyfriend who is a recovered alcoholic also, which is great. I'm very happy for her, and while I've not met him, he sounds like a nice guy.

I've met a fair few women since then that are around her age and younger, who aren't alcoholics. The difference is incredible. They are passionate, as she was about AA and the steps, about 'normal' things - film, music, the environment, politics etc etc

It makes me angry, if I'm honest, that drinking took this away from my ex. I don't think I'll ever meet a kinder, loving person, and I resent alcohol for seemingly denying her the experiences and interests she deserved to have.

I apologise if I came across like an ******* (or if I stil am). I know a lot of AA people now thanks to her, and I empathise with them and anyone else going through recovery.

It just didn't work out for us, but she's got stronger and happier I would say, so again, I'm very happy for her and the experience has been good for both of us. She's coming up to her fourth year dry, and I'm so very proud of her.

I wish everyone here all the best. Thanks for listening to me, and all the advice given. This is truly a great resource for anyone going through recovery, and, indeed, for anyone who *knows* anyone going through it.

Many thanks,

Bush

Daisy100

I was in relationship with recovering alcoholic and he even recognised this empty life reality apart from the meetings. He's stopped drinking for 6 years now, cross addicted to cannabis instead on and off. Now he's in a phase of being completely clean. He says thats all he does is meetings, meetings. He's not worked for at least 4 years i know and its probably longer than that. He's never learnt to drive or take responsibility for himself (now coming up to 40). He's on benefits and its his way of life.

Says he has his HP relationship and thats all he needs, however, when digging deeper he admits he's not happy underneath. He's even secretary of a meeting, which i know is a huge achievement, however, ive known him and he's doing the talk not doing the walk. He thinks he is but i can see he isnt - that denial thing.

I think he thinks he's a somebody in these meetings by bragging in them and gets a kick out of being looked up to. There are a lot of women that go to his meeting and again thats feeding his ego.

Im not over him yet, he came into my life twice and its so hard to get closure. I found him a very confusing person. Controlling too and constantly lusting/commenting on other women all the time (addictive?) - he has no idea how cruel his words were to me yet oh, he was the sensitive one.

He's left a trial of destruction in his past, wont tell me everything but the ripples of the damage still exist.

I advise somebody to run for the hills from a recovering alcoholic who hasnt really changed, except for stopping the drink/attending meetings. It takes more than that to be recovered in my opinion.

Does anybody else have the experience of oh, how they are the sensitive ones, yet has pretty much complete insensitivity to others feelings?

elleymae

I saw a few replies that sound as if some people are disouraging the relationship altogether, either directly or indirectly. I can't help but make a comment that while it will be a life-long struggle for a recovering A, that doesn't mean they don't have a right to a relationship, or a right to someone putting their trust and love in them. When I first came here and told my story, I heard a lot of "RUN" from people. "Get out." "Run." "Run like hell." Etc. I didn't run or get out.

I may not have a position here because my situation is different in the fact that I suspected alcoholism and it turned out to not be the case, but if I had run like everyone had told me, I would've given up on something that is turning out to be really wonderful. So "RUN" or "get as far away as you can," well, that's telling someone what to do, first of all, and in alanon I've discovered NOT to give advice. Offer my own experience and let others take it or leave it.

With that said, even if I were going to give advice, I would not advise to you run, or get out, or even be careful. I can tell you that if I began dating a recovering alcoholic, I might spend some time in an alanon group to learn a little bit for myself.

Good luck to you. And PS. I think it's awesome that he is going to so many meetings. I have a friend in AA and he was very extreme about it for the first couple years. Now he's a little more relaxed with it, but every now and again he knows it's time to "go hard" for awhile again.

Daisy100

Elleymae, glad you brought up that point about giving advice and pointed that out to me.

Yeah, we all have our own journey of discovery regarding our own decisions.

Im also glad that you bought that up because thats one of the traits the ex was constantly doing to me - advising me what i should or shouldnt be doing in my life all the time. In fact, i would say it was more forceful than that, dictating to me what i must be doing/not doing.

Thanks for opening my eyes to that.

Another good reason for me to realise to stay away (for me anyway!)


Daisy100

sandrawg

This is one of the reasons al-anon is so helpful to us f&f.

You may want to consider finding an ala-non meeting near you, if youre not already in it, and find your own sponsor..my sponsor has been a godsend..

newsunflower

I am confused about a few things. Maybe someone can help me through this. I know this guy for about 4 years 2 years ago he relapsed after 4 years sober. IHe put hiself in rehab. when he got out he came to live with me. We had talked about it before he relapsed. We also talked about being only friends He did great for about a year but with living in the country there wasnt any close meetings for him to go to without driving over an hour. He had a job things got rough and he relapsed. The first night he was drinking he told me he loved me very much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We kissed some then laid down in floor in living room and went to sleep. After that nothing was mentioned about it. eventally I ask him if he thought down the road if there was a chance for there to be an us. He got angy siad he should just leave and get out of my life that I deserved a ring on my fingure and he couldnt give me that. Then he started drinking heavly. At that point I told him he had to move out. He did and moved into a sober living house and is doing good got a job doing his meetings, and going back to school for counseling. We have stayed very close friend. He comes and stays with me couple times a month on his days off. We get along great just like a couple. He has never made a move on me other than that night, I know he really cares about me. We never have had sex. We do give each other hugs.I just confused wheather there could be something downt the road. I do love him very much and I understand that he has things he has to in his life to stay sober. I dont want to push him in any way. I dont want to loose the friendship we have. I just wondering how to tell if there is a chance for us. Does he love me back and want a future to gether someday. or does he truely only want a friend. Is it hes not atractted to me and does only want a friendship, I am just so confused

Seren

Hi newsunflower,

I don't know that any of us can tell you what your friend is thinking and feeling, but it sounds as though he is simply not ready to have a romantic relationship with you. It also sounds that even though you have known him for 4 years, he doesn't live in the same town, is that correct? The unfortunate truth is that you may not really know him well at all. His sobriety may still be tenuous since he has relapsed in the recent past, too.

IMHO, this does seem like a lot of red flags and you may have a brighter and happier future with someone who is more open, honest, and does not continue to struggle with alcohol.