seekingpeace23

When do you know they need more help than rehab, ie, a mental facility?

I am the last person in the family that will speak to my step son- and it has been very limited to protect myself. It’s been a very long, difficult two years.
No one except me will have any communication with him. His behavior has been terrible to everyone in the family and his ex partner. He abandoned his one year old son.
I finally convinced him to go to rehab a few weeks ago.

He still has two weeks but every time he calls me I grow sad. Sad that nothing is any better. There’s so much that I just don’t have the energy to write. But there are so many lies and half truths. The narcissism is like nothing I’ve ever seen in my life. He will lie right in front of people knowing that they know the truth- sometimes were there and saw what happened and he still lies about it.

But here is what I wanted to ask. A couple years ago he made some very serious allegations about a child care facility when he was young. You always want to believe the victim. And we did.
But….I just don’t believe him anymore. It never added up and he lies constantly. He said he talked about this the other day at rehab. He also said his counselor sat him down and brought up his half-truths and narcissism. And it weirdly didn’t seem to bother him.
Has anyone else dealt with this? I’m starting to think he needs more help than rehab but I will talk to the counselors and see what they say.
Apparently the counselor broke the rules the other day and let him use his phone to call his brother to request he move his items out of his apartment as he was getting evicted. Instead he called me and asked for over $4,000 to cover all his overdue rent. This hit me (I said hat I did not have another cent for him) that he wasn't going to get it. The only thing I would help him with over two years was paying for this rehab. And the cost of it was insane and really hurt us. So the sad lights came on again that nothing was going to change.

I’m just sad. I had hoped he would use this to really work on being a dad to his son- if nothing else, Doesn't seem like even two weeks left will help.
I don't know what he needs at this point but I feel pretty done.

venuscat

You are a wonderful person, seekingpeace23 and a very caring aunt. s

It does indeed sound like he has some serious issues, but he needs to be willing to work on them, and you gifted him this time at rehab to do just that.
So, I sure understand you feeling sad.

I hope he tries to get well, and if I were you, I would be pretty much 'done' at this stage as well. s

Bekindalways

This is so sad Seeking. It does sound like rehab is not going to turn him around. Unfortunately for many rehab doesn't work. Even worse, there may be nothing that will turn your stepson around. Perhaps being homeless will wake him up but for many even this doesn't work.

Please get yourself as much support as you can. This is really hard to watch someone self destruct like this.

trailmix

Yes, unfortunately it sounds like there is much more going on here than alcoholism. That alone is a huge challenge, of course. Maybe he is a person with Narcissistic personality disorder, maybe he is a sociopath or psychopath, you just don't know and neither do his counselors.

Whether it's alcoholism or some personality disorder (he could just be a compulsive liar!), it's way beyond the help he is getting. But regardless, alcoholism, personality disorder, unless he is willing to address both, there is not much else you can do.

Especially if he is a compulsive liar or has NPD or psychopathy, these are almost impossible to treat (especially as the person rarely seeks treatment).

I'm sorry this is all going on. Keep in mind the 3 c's - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

I know someone who has a compulsive liar for a kind-of friend. She can be shown video (and has been) of what actually happened and she still won't let that phase her, she will stick with her original story.

Steely

I’m so sorry seekingpeace 23.

My brother is same, and won’t even go to rehab because doesn’t believe he has a problem. He too, lies in front of me/others when the truth is obvious to us all. He lies without the blink of an eye. He has stolen from me. Bought him food, lent him money, which is never repaid. He feels no shame.

Personally, I think he’s a sociopath. He's had a lot of childhood trauma too, but it doesn’t help to know this, and I’m not a doctor.

If your step-son has suffered childhood trauma this is what he has to work on in therapy. If he doesn’t, that’s his choice. Everyone else shouldn’t have to wear it indefinitely. It’s too painful. Fruitless.

I’ve had to come to the unhappy conclusion that this is the life he has chosen for himself, and I’ve had to let go. I talk to him on the phone from time to time, but I no longer try to persuade him regarding benefits of change. He doesn’t want to change. And I’m no longer angry, or sad. It’s what he has chosen.

I’ve had to take care of myself, and my own mental health Speace , and seriously recommend same for you. It is a great relief to do so.

Post here, many have been in similar situation and have good advice.

I think it’s time to let go seekingpeace.

seekingpeace23

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your comments. You've said the words I've feared but not actually been able to say- sociopath. Maybe NPD. Both are scary. Sociopath puts an awful pit in my stomach. He did have childhood trauma. His mother was a drug addict and had severe mental illness although we aren't sure if it was BPD or NPD or even sociopathy. I never met her but she abandoned them when they were young. I also know that she had more contact with this step son than anyone knew at the time through texting and social media. Lies, promises, big grand things and then she would disappear on him and start the same cycle months later. She died of a drug overdose a few years ago. So he does have his share of heartache.
He also has a loving family that has tried to be there for him and support him in every way. One thing that scared me was that he was bigger than life all through school. Terrific athlete without even trying or putting in the work. Handsome. Big personality. Good student without even trying. He could do no wrong and was treated that way by his peers and even teachers and coaches.
But there were many red flags that we didn't even see. Hindsight, right?

Anyways, I will be around. I appreciate your support <3

Bekindalways

Seeking that is so dang tough specially if he seemed okay when younger but sounds like his gifts may have contributed to some narcissism or he genetically inherited his mom's mental illness. Maybe getting out of the way and letting him become homeless on the streets will change him but I'm afraid even this doesn't work for a lot of people.

I hope you can indeed find peace as much as peace is possible

Bernadette

SPeace23,
I understand that tug and tenderness of heart and that's a normal impulse. He is in the best place right now to recieve help, social services, make a plan for discharge etc. All that is up to the rehab facility and him. It's all just way beyond your scope - you've played your part, others will continue to come in and out of his life...it is so depressing when the real depth of their situation becomes undeniable... and that's why I hope you seek peace by getting help for yourself.

It's OK to say to him, "I love and care for you but that can't fix your problems, you have to do work with the professionals and other recovered alcoholics who can truly help you. It's the way to get better and I hope you choose it each day." And sometimes that has to become like your broken record response.

There are years in my life when I can only have very sporadic contact w/ my A brothers, just sending them cards or leaving messages every now and then just saying "Thinking about you. Love ya and hope you're doing well." I sometimes have to keep my distance to maintain my own peace of mind and not collapse into utter depression and hyperfocus on them and their problems.

Hugs & Peace,
B.