Doitformygirls

Where to even begin. I've been with my wife for 14 years met when I was 18 and now 32. She always drank but I was young I didn't really see it as an issue. Our relationship was the only thing in my life that I thought was solid. 4 years ago we had our first daughter and three years ago had a beautiful suprise baby that's when things for her got worse

The drinking after our second got out of control. She drank a litre of wine and then some a night. Wasn't present always sad. It would have been easier for me to make a decision if she was mean or something around those lines but she wasn't and I didn't want to see the women I love battle this demon. Why does someone like this have to suffer with this horrible thing. Fast forward to a month ago the day I've been waiting for she told me she wanted to go to rehab. Finally she's decided I thought that's what is needed a shift in her.

I held the fort down for a month while she was in there but something in the way she was talking to me felt off. She didn't want to see me as she needed space to complete her program. I agreed and said what ever it takes. But she still wanted to call me and so on. Those 15 minute phone conversations felt forced on her end.

She got out of rehab on Thursday and hugged me and held my hand it seemed like things were okay. Then as I was making the bed Friday morning her AA book fell on the ground and a note slipped out. You can probably guess the rest it was a note from a guy. It basically read I'm falling for you and I know you feel the same way but have a lot to figure out. When you do im here for you. I was livid called her and said we need to talk. I didn't start with the note but basically to save what's turning into a book the Coles notes conversation went like this. She said something has been missing from our relationship for years. She didn't know this until she got sober. This is so hard for her because she loves me so deeply basically isn't in love with me. She said that I deserve to be loved in a way that she never can. That this is over and doesn't want to do counseling. When confronted about the note, she said she was uncomfortable by his advances. Not because she didn't want it but because it was against her morals because we were together. That is very difficult for me to hear as she does have feelings for him. The hardest part is she kept the note and I said that and she cried and said I know. She was also going to go bowling with him and two more people from rehab next Saturday. I told her how inappropriate that is and she agreed and apologized.

She's been gone now for 2 days. My girls asking where their mom is after already not seeing her for a month. I don't even know what to tell them. We are in good communication and things are amicable. I don't think she's in a place currently where she can watch the girls by herself. We also don't have support for somebody to be there with her. Unfortunately that was me. My life is thrown upside down the house, the cars my girls. Where does everything stand. The hardest part that I'm struggling with is I believe while in there her addict brain was enjoying the sparks and attention and she feels like that might be what love is. She doesn't realize that love is hard work. It's commitment. It's not always sunshine and rainbows. I'm scared that in 6 months when her brain settles back into reality she will want to come back. That thought terrifies me. As right now I'm in crisis mode and I can't trust my brain to make the right decision. I'm scared that in 6 months I might still be there . Maybe I would take her back. Maybe I wouldn't... But I want to make sure that I'm not choosing the easy route. The silence is deafening.
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LucyIntheGarden

Hello and welcome,

I am sorry for your pain, and it is good you have started reaching out for support. Our minds are chaotic in an alcoholic marriage. And alcoholics intuitively know how to manipulate us to get what they want. The alcoholic brain is a selfish one. And your ride on the roller coaster of her mental chaos could make you start questioning your sanity in the months ahead.

Don't believe everything she tells you. Don't think you have the facts. Don't fall for lines that get her what she wants and make her look good , such as telling you that you deserve to be loved in a way that she never can. This is alcoholic manipulation. She will say whatever it takes to make herself look good in her betrayal. And she's just puffing herself up with that business about her morals regarding cheating. It is all smoke and mirrors. What she's really doing is drug-seeking. She is not sober. A sober person would not be leaving her husband and children to date another alcoholic straight out of rehab.

You are going to have to find moral strength such as you've never needed before because you are going to have to put your personal desires and anguish aside to FIRST TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN. You are there for them now in the ways you can be. But you will not be able to give them the qualified guidance and grounding they need during this time of confusion and feelings of abandonment.

Please do what is most important right now and get some professional help for your children. Next week. Soon as possible. If you don't know where to start, make an appointment with their pediatrician and tell the doctor what is happening in their lives. You can get a referral to a counselor for your children. It might be covered by your health insurance. They MUST have help. And, should you and your wife proceed with divorce, the choices you make now for your children will carry a lot of weight in family court.

You sound pretty grounded in this upheaval in your life. But you will have many blind spots. So, if you can also find counseling for yourself and attend some Al-Anon meetings, you will have a better chance of seeing what is truth and what is fantasy. I am pretty sure she is five steps ahead of you.

toomanychances

Alcoholism is such a selfish disease. You held down the fort while she was in rehab - it was time for her to come back and help. I've been there.

You said you were in crisis mode - I think you are in survival mode. While you are overwhelmed, I'm grateful your children have you.

I've been joining al anon meetings virtually - right now they are doing the intro and I have a headset on listening while my son is playing video games. I would suggest you post here to get your thoughts and frustrations out - but also join a few al anon meetings and take what you can from it. You don't need to buy into all of it. I will tell you - I do find it helpful - there are people out there who are dealing with the same things as me and have come out the other side.

Come here when the silence is deafening or join a meeting - you won't feel as lonely and will be heard.

woodlandlost

Hey DOIT...

First off, so sorry my friend. Been there...

Lucyinthegarden's take is really sage. Read and re-read that. I want to emphasize the point that her actions are smoke and mirrors. She is gone for two days, means likely drinking and not getting any better.

I have been. in your shoes. I found it overwhelming and like I was almost in a panic. With the experience I had, I wished I could have taken the time to slow down, and take guidance from people who have been there, seen it, understand it. The problem with addiction and for the spouse who is in it, is that delusional thoughts can plague your thinking, judgements and actions. I got left holding the bag after very similar circumstances. I know what it must feel like to be in your situation. Let me be clear...find help to help you keep your head on straight. Grieve, feel the pain and sorrow but get some support. I found the books by Toby Rice Drews (Getting them sober) to be UBER helpful to help understand the disease from the perspective of a family member.

My experience also showed that the early phase of this, especially with another person involved, is utter madness. It is part and parcel with the disease of alcoholism. Don't try and separate the two. She is behaving this way because she is in the grips of her addiction.
Expect more crazy. As someone once told me, when the earth starts shaking...take cover. Going into the fray and talking to her, might help you on some level...but it doesn't. You can't make sense of the craziness. All you can do is find ways to look after yourself and that will help you make the best decisions for your kids too. Let me emphasize that trying to stop her, change her behaviour is not going to do anything except to drain your own batteries and send you further into the gutter. I have learned that all the actions I took, all the sleepness nights, letters, phone calls, visits....did absolutely nothing. I say this because at least in my view, if I could take back all that energy, I would have and I would have invested it into myself.

My wife blew up 5 years ago...not much has changed.

My friend....take cover, find support, invest in yourself and you will be able to be there for the kids in a way that will help them too.

mattmathews

[QUOTE=
She's been gone now for 2 days. My girls asking where their mom is after already not seeing her for a month. I don't even know what to tell them. We are in good communication and things are amicable. I don't think she's in a place currently where she can watch the girls by herself. We also don't have support for somebody to be there with her. Unfortunately that was me. My life is thrown upside down the house, the cars my girls. Where does everything stand. The hardest part that I'm struggling with is I believe while in there her addict brain was enjoying the sparks and attention and she feels like that might be what love is. She doesn't realize that love is hard work. It's commitment. It's not always sunshine and rainbows. I'm scared that in 6 months when her brain settles back into reality she will want to come back. That thought terrifies me. As right now I'm in crisis mode and I can't trust my brain to make the right decision. I'm scared that in 6 months I might still be there . Maybe I would take her back. Maybe I wouldn't... But I want to make sure that I'm not choosing the easy route. The silence is deafening.
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Been there friend. I'd been with my wife for 15 years when, due to an emotional event that really affected her sense of self worth, she started drinking heavily. Like a bottle of rum, or vodka or whatever else she could find in the house per night, (including some really rot-gut tequila I'd bought for a recipe one time). At the low point, she was on a 13 day binge that ended on St. Patrick's day. Later, she described herself as having been in a very, very, very dark place. But this isn't about her.

By the time she got to her bottom, I had reached my breaking point. I could see our already fragile house of financial cards collapsing. Our relationship had sucked for quite some time and I was sooo done with it. I had broached the idea of divorce to my barely adult youngest daughter (which wasn't fair to her). I was prepared to go my own way and give up on relationships in general. My life felt like a prison.
In short, I probably didn't feel exactly like you do right now, but I have felt anxiety and fear. (I've been told that I should focus on the similarities, not the differences).
When she went into rehab I felt like a 100# weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She was someone else's problem for a month! Yay! A week and a half later she called me and told me that I needed to go to two Al-Anon meetings and my first thought was "there she goes trying to control me again." I think I was as much bemused as irritated, but for some reason I went.
I didn't know what Al-Anon was, and my perception of alcoholics was pretty much limited to my wife--and those guy's sleeping rough (and stinky) in the park. I found a meeting in a local hospital in a nice (clean) part of town. Best decision I ever made. Best.

At those first few meetings I was probably told a lot of things, but some of the things I actually heard were: 1) I didn't cause the alcoholic to drink, 2) I was told that I wasn't there to find ways to stop the alcoholic from drinking, I was there because of the alcoholic. And one of the things that kept me coming back was 3) There are no "musts" in Al-anon. Item 1 was a relief, because it told me (and this would become clearer over time) that I wasn't responsible for my wife's behavior. Well, not just that I wasn't responsible for it, but that it was completely out of my control anyway. The Item 2 was interesting because even though I felt "broken" by my wife's drinking, I really couldn't put into words how I'd been affected by her alcoholism. Item 3 was great, because it meant that I wasn't going to be asked to do anything I didn't want to do or wasn't ready to do. Did I mention I was feeling a lot of fear in those days?

If you're at a point where your life just feels unmanageable, Al-Anon could be the right place for you. If you listen to what people in the group have to share, and listen for the similarities, I believe you'll hear that other newcomers lives are in crisis too. You'll also hear that people who have stuck around for awhile were where you are now when they arrived in the rooms for the first time. You may also hear that those people who have been there for awhile have found strength, hope, serenity...maybe even joy...whether the alcoholic in their life is drinking or not. (I should note that my relationship with my alcoholic wife has not only survived but thrived.)

Try it out. You've really got nothing to lose and everything to gain. No matter what else happens in your life, in 6 months you're going to be stronger, in a better place, and almost certainly not in crisis mode. And lets face it, you've got kids. Whether your wife is drinking in 6 months, or not; whether you two are together in 6 months, or not; your lives will continue to be intertwined for years and years to come. Doesn't it make sense to find better tools for dealing with her? You don't have to do it by trial and error and you don't have to do it alone.
Best wishes to you, friend.

Eauchiche

Dear Doitformygirls
I don't have anything to add to the other good folks who have posted already, except to say that you have described the closest thing to hell on earth.
I am so sorry.

Grammaton

Oh my God my man I wish you the best and to have the wisest decision. I would talk to a therapist regarding what would be the best course or action if she does return in six months. I personally would most likely 80% certain not take her back. She made her bed she needs to lay in it. But than again there are the children to take care of. But honestly I think it would be more logical to minimize the negative influence that their mom might have on them. They don't need to see both the substance infidelity and then the physical infidelity. That's not an example you want them to have.

Personally I am kind of glad I didn't go to rehab since I've read all of those rehab romances which are sickening since they strike at the most vulnerable mental states. I am already too chemically ****** up with my alcoholism to let another thing take place of booze. That's just filling one dopamine rush with another. Filling the loss of booze with the gain of "love" where in reality both are transitory.

Lilybet

So sorry that you and your kids are hurting. I was with my XAH for 25 years. He had periods of sobriety but no real recovery. I didn't know much about addiction when we married and he hid his history. I stayed much longer than I should have. At the end, he had been sober for 3 years when he relapsed cheated and left. He went to rehab again after that but it didn't stick. Even when he was sober, there were other things happening behind the scenes that I didn't know about. So often, they just transfer addictions. He was in and out of program for 20 years but never got honest or really did the work. So much lying and selfishness. I eventually went NC and divorced him.

I'm sure it's even harder with kids but they will also be a comfort. I never had them and I would have liked to feel that at least, something good came out of all those years. My ex had a son from another relationship but predictably, was never much of a father.

I know it doesn't seem like it now but you are still young enough to forge a different, happier future for yourself and your children. In a way, leaving is sometimes the only kindness they ever show us, although not intentional. Living with an addict is like balancing on a seesaw. You're always compensating for instability. I hope you find the strength to move forward and reclaim some peace. Best wishes.