LoveMyAHusband

When do you ever feel ok with yourself about moving forward? Most of the time I feel so much healthier than I did with him. But occasionally (like today), I still feel like an awful spouse for not sticking with him in the hard times. Intellectually I know I wasn’t truly helping anything, but I can’t even imagine the pain one would feel when having your life partner bow out on you. Does that eventually get better? When?

(As an update, we have only spoken once since our therapy session in January. He didn’t show up for the one in February because he relapsed and was in treatment, but he managed to tell the therapist not to expect him but not me. The only exchange we have had since then was initiated by me a couple months later and about taxes and he responded that he’s working on his own therapy for now. No apologies, although I’m glad he’s working on himself. Meanwhile I’ve more than tripled my dive count and traveled the world and surpassed expectations at my job. But I still can’t help but miss him.)

Bekindalways

It is really different with everyone so I am reluctant to tell you. I didn't have so much guilt as much as psychedelic off the charts pain. This pain lasted about 3 years for me and then in the first week of January 1991, the pain stopped. I was still a depressive and still a mess but the pain was gone.

As I said, I'm reluctant to share this as we two are different. And you describe guilt while mine was grief.

And really LMAH, you may well be saving his life by staying away. It is the absolute best thing for both of you. Sadly this type of love is not something that hallmark nor Rom Coms talk about but it really is transformational.

Please please keep taking care of yourself. I don't know if or when the guilt will recede but as far as I know you are doing the right thing.

wyrd

Do you know for a fact that he's in pain though? Addicts can be selfish, and recovering addicts often need to be just that to be able to work on themselves. Do you think he has just a hard time as you going no contact or does he simply prioritize working on recovery right now?

Imagine you had never left, would your staying have kept him from drinking again? Probably not. But it would have taken its toll on your health. He has all the help he needs to get into recovery. Him keeping his focus on himself is a good thing if he wants to do that.

Just to make sure in case you're talking about yourself bowing out. You didn't bow out of anything, he did. I read your thread, there's nothing else you could have done, it seemed like you were walking on eggshells a lot. All you did was refusing to take second place to his first "love" for lack of a better word, destructive as it is, alcohol. You wanted to get off the carousel of madness and you did.

If you feel guilty once in a while, that's fine. But it doesn't change the fact that it's the best you could have ever done for you and it may well be for him as well.

trailmix

Hi LMAH, glad you posted, I have been wondering how you are getting on. I am glad to hear that your travels and diving are going along swimmingly!

What you wrote above, maybe you do know? You did make a boundary, you did bow out of the relationship, but really, so did he, so perhaps you do know how that feels. Remember as the months dragged on and he lied and he promised and he wanted to take up camp in rehab?

I do understand that it's a mental illness, possibly he really feels he can't overcome it, or heck, maybe he doesn't really want to. If it's the first, what can you do and if it's the latter, what can you do? Nothing. He has to go and get the help and whichever it is, he chooses not to do that with you.

You can't have a relationship with him while he is drinking, isn't that really the bottom line? Is that a choice? I don't think it is really because you have no influence over whether he drinks or not.

ToughChoices

You actually CAN imagine the pain of having a life partner bow out on you…..right? ‘Cause that’s what he did. What he’s doing.

You are just responding as healthfully as possible to the emotional abandonment that is addiction.

It hurts terribly, but it gets better. I think it took me about a year to feel ready to date, and I married my current (wonderful) husband about 3 and 1/2 years after I left my ex.

If my ex had thrown himself into recovery and desired to attempt reconciliation after a year or more of sobriety, I might have considered it - I never stopped loving him. But I also never stopped believing that active addiction and true partnership were incompatible.

You know this, too. In a year you’ll be able to see how much your life has improved and changed. You’ll also be able to see what he has done with his “freedom.”

For now, focus on kids and friendships and diving! Enjoy and build your beautiful life!

Behappy1

I have known and dated my xah since I was 17. 53 now. We have been divorced for 12ish years. I have and suspect always will care about him and still for him in many ways. While I was in it, I thought our love was fierce, loyal and deep. We were soulmates - I thought. He is pretty much sober now, but does mess with rx meds I suspect. I am now realizing that my "love" for him was a type of love, but it was more of a caring, fixing, nurturing and controlling love. It wasn't a giving type of love (from him).

I look at him now and that "care and love" will always be there, that connection that we've had will always be there. But I left because I had too. Now he's not as giving to me because I'm not giving him what he wants, I'm not the stool for him to stand on to get what he wants. He doesn't have to appease, manipulate or use me to get what he wants. He has his own free will without me trying to control him. If I look at him now without me involved dotting his i's and crossing his t's for him - I can see clearly who he is.

We're "friends" I guess because we have 2 kids. But I can see clearly who he is and I really regret wasting so many years of my life simply put - trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It will never fit. Ever. No matter how much I try to saw the edges off smoothing him out. IDK if you see any similarities here with you, but I do. Maybe what you miss is him needing you. Maybe what you need to feel fullfilled, loved is to fix something because it's the accomplishment that you miss. I was so involved in the storm that I didn't know how to act in the calm. Have you been so busy with work, kids etc that you don't know how to deal with the calm? Just a thought.

LoveMyAHusband

Thank you for sharing! It may not be the same, but it does help to know it takes a while. It helps reset expectations and not feel down about not being instantly ok with it all.

LoveMyAHusband

Thanks for your response. No, I don’t know if he’s in pain. I suspect he has a hard time with the no contact because he’s said it but he truly seemed to mean it. And given how close we were and how much time we spent together (almost 24/7, really), I do believe it. But I do know he said he wants to focus on recovery before going back to therapy, and I see that as a positive sign. I also saw a photo he was tagged in on FB today. I hadn’t seen any in the last year except from me. But he was at a recovery gym with a recovery group, so I’m glad that he’s currently making good choices. Perhaps he needed the wake up call. Or maybe it was something that has nothing to do with me. Or maybe it’s temporary. But at least for today I’m glad he’s taking care of himself.

That last bit hit pretty hard, though. And several of you said it. And you’re right. He did bow out first.

LoveMyAHusband

Hi! Thanks for asking! It’s been quite the wild ride (in a good way), but I’m glad to be doing something for me. I’m going on a 2-week dive trip all my myself next month and very much looking forward to it.

You’re completely right. Even if I was there, there’s nothing I could do. He really has to put in the work if that’s what he wants.

LoveMyAHusband

You’re right. It does hurt terribly. It’s not even my first divorce, but things had fizzled out in those. It’s so much harder to leave when you love someone this much. I think the next year will be really telling. I know I won’t stop growing - so much has changed for me in the last year (independent of what happened with him). He spent the last year stagnant or worse. That gap will keep on growing until reconciliation is hopeless unless he works hard.

It’s helpful to hear that it takes time to feel ok again. My single friends don’t believe me, but I have ZERO desire to date. I still love him too much, and I don’t want to be in this boat again. It’s been nice having control over my life again.

LoveMyAHusband

Well, you certainly got me thinking. I feel like you very much described my relationship with my previous ex - he was always about himself. A good guy, but he didn’t even realize how little he was giving until much too late. It’s because of that relationship that I valued my current(?) person. He was very loving and giving, and that brought a lot of joy into my life. Of course, I adored him (he could always make me laugh!), and I gave a lot but I also got a lot. I’d like to think I handle calm well - I was really happy and settled when I met him and had been single for ~6 months (not long compared to the 8 year relationship I’d been in, but I really felt so good during that time!). I feel like I’m mostly ok right now, but I do miss him when I remember. But I’m sure there’s some applicability in what you’re saying. I will say that I don’t want to fix anyone - I’m too tired of that, too tired of taking care of everyone else. Honestly, I’d love to just be taken care of for once so I feel like I can breathe. He did that for me for those first two years. And he supported me when I was depleted (such as with the kids).

Yet I do know I have very caring and nurturing tendencies, so I’ll continue to think on what you said. For sure I know I’m getting a chance to see who he really is without me, and that alone makes this time apart worth it.

Steely

Bekind ❤️

Bekindalways

Ah thanks. It was a tough time.

venuscat

Hi, LMAH, I missed your thread, sorry. s

The thing is, you didn't bow out; you stuck with him through the hard times. You gave him every opportunity to get better, and he didn't come through.
Frankly, I think you handled the entire situation with grace and kindness. ❤️