My husband is in denial
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 1
My husband is in denial
Good morning.
My husband has always loved to drink in our 22 years of marriage. At times, he has always teetered on being able to control it but over the last 5 years, I feel like it has been become a full time part of his life. He sometimes will take his first drink at 8:30 in the morning and will even pour wine in the middle of the night. He doesn't feel he has a problem or is an alcoholic because he says he is never drunk. He also says that alcoholics don't hold down a job or go their kids events. It has gotten to the point that he drinks on average 8 drinks a day and as much as 12 on the weekends. He is now 100 lbs overweight. He has become a regular at bar, he lies about it, he hides it. He carries it around in his pocket when we are out. He has been working at home since 2020. He spends a lot of the day sleeping and was recently laid off from work. His job was project based and instead of seeking work when projects were slow, he would take lunches at the bar, work the full day at the bar or sleep. He blames me for his drinking and tells me I have Munchausen by proxy because I tell him he needs to get help because I want him to be an alcoholic. I'm just so depressed. I feel so stuck but this situation is a ticking time bomb.
My husband has always loved to drink in our 22 years of marriage. At times, he has always teetered on being able to control it but over the last 5 years, I feel like it has been become a full time part of his life. He sometimes will take his first drink at 8:30 in the morning and will even pour wine in the middle of the night. He doesn't feel he has a problem or is an alcoholic because he says he is never drunk. He also says that alcoholics don't hold down a job or go their kids events. It has gotten to the point that he drinks on average 8 drinks a day and as much as 12 on the weekends. He is now 100 lbs overweight. He has become a regular at bar, he lies about it, he hides it. He carries it around in his pocket when we are out. He has been working at home since 2020. He spends a lot of the day sleeping and was recently laid off from work. His job was project based and instead of seeking work when projects were slow, he would take lunches at the bar, work the full day at the bar or sleep. He blames me for his drinking and tells me I have Munchausen by proxy because I tell him he needs to get help because I want him to be an alcoholic. I'm just so depressed. I feel so stuck but this situation is a ticking time bomb.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Welcome amj, I'm glad you found us.
I moved your post to the Friends & Families of Alcoholics Forum where you will likely get more responses.
If your husband is in denial about his alcoholism, there is not much you can do. He will need to decide that he has a problem and seek support for himself. For you, what do you see as your future for yourself and your children?
I moved your post to the Friends & Families of Alcoholics Forum where you will likely get more responses.
If your husband is in denial about his alcoholism, there is not much you can do. He will need to decide that he has a problem and seek support for himself. For you, what do you see as your future for yourself and your children?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 133
Hello amj,
Order a copy of "GettingThem Sober" by Toby Rice Drews The title is misleading somewhat, as it is about how to stop putting up with all the crazy. You are going to see your husband on many of those pages.
My former alcoholic husband was a tenured university professor and he kept his job and made it to all of his classes and got all of the grades in on time. He was, however, out of his mind drunk A LOT. At home. I was attending Al-Anon back then and one of the members was married to a United Airlines pilot who drank uncontrollably EXCEPT three days before he was scheduled to fly. Did not lose his job (or crash a jetliner).
Your husband is pulling that classic I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Munchausen? Seriously? Alcohol saturation.
You are right about the ticking time bomb. Every home situation with an alcoholic is that. But you are capable of making rational and deliberate choices as long as you are not isolated with an alcoholic. You can break the isolation by attending Al-Anon, by reading and posting on this forum, by going to the library and finding books on alcoholism and on codependency recovery, and by finding a counselor if you can afford one. If you are experiencing physical symptoms from stress, you can see your physician for a check-up and report honestly what you are living with at home, you may get a referral to a counselor for yourself (not couples) covered by your health insurance. Do not accept any prescriptions, though, that have any risk whatsoever of physical or psychological dependency. If you have anxiety, there are safe, non-addictive anti-depressants which will help alleviate both depression and anxiety.
There are so many other options to the alcoholic marriage than just putting up with it. The spouse has to be committed to change and brave enough to face reality. You can do that with support.
Order a copy of "GettingThem Sober" by Toby Rice Drews The title is misleading somewhat, as it is about how to stop putting up with all the crazy. You are going to see your husband on many of those pages.
My former alcoholic husband was a tenured university professor and he kept his job and made it to all of his classes and got all of the grades in on time. He was, however, out of his mind drunk A LOT. At home. I was attending Al-Anon back then and one of the members was married to a United Airlines pilot who drank uncontrollably EXCEPT three days before he was scheduled to fly. Did not lose his job (or crash a jetliner).
Your husband is pulling that classic I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Munchausen? Seriously? Alcohol saturation.
You are right about the ticking time bomb. Every home situation with an alcoholic is that. But you are capable of making rational and deliberate choices as long as you are not isolated with an alcoholic. You can break the isolation by attending Al-Anon, by reading and posting on this forum, by going to the library and finding books on alcoholism and on codependency recovery, and by finding a counselor if you can afford one. If you are experiencing physical symptoms from stress, you can see your physician for a check-up and report honestly what you are living with at home, you may get a referral to a counselor for yourself (not couples) covered by your health insurance. Do not accept any prescriptions, though, that have any risk whatsoever of physical or psychological dependency. If you have anxiety, there are safe, non-addictive anti-depressants which will help alleviate both depression and anxiety.
There are so many other options to the alcoholic marriage than just putting up with it. The spouse has to be committed to change and brave enough to face reality. You can do that with support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,012
Hi Amy, I'm glad you found us and also sorry that you are in this situation.
As Lucy said, you are wise to understand you are living with a "ticking time bomb". Alcoholics absolutely do hold down jobs and function fine until they don't anymore.
You may already know that he has the right to drink and may well choose to drink himself to death. You didn't cause this, nor can you control it nor can you cure him (the 3 Cs). You can focus on yourself and make plans to leave (or not) depending on how you feel about the situation.
Most of us here found Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More helpful.
As Lucy said, you are wise to understand you are living with a "ticking time bomb". Alcoholics absolutely do hold down jobs and function fine until they don't anymore.
You may already know that he has the right to drink and may well choose to drink himself to death. You didn't cause this, nor can you control it nor can you cure him (the 3 Cs). You can focus on yourself and make plans to leave (or not) depending on how you feel about the situation.
Most of us here found Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More helpful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey amj82-
So sorry you have been living in this topsy turvy world for so long.
He's just saying a lot of baloney. My A father always kept a job. One of my A brothers could be out drinking 12+ beers at night and be up the next morning in the freezing cold at 5:30am and at work by 7a - I don't think he ever missed a day of work, until he got a 2nd DUI and lost his license!
In fact a major mind-blower for me was accepting the concept that "nothing gets in the way of their drinking." So if they have to maintain a job and an image of respectability so they can keep drinking they will keep that job; if they have to pick a fight to deflect away from their obvious bad choices, then they will pick that fight, etc., etc.
How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving.
So what then must we do??
I had to retrain my brain to get out of denial and focus on the things I can control. AlAnon helped me enormously with that. Have you tried any meetings? Once I started going to AlAnon and reading more and more about alcoholism and the alcoholic dynamic in families I started seeing my way out of the insanity to a place of peace of mind.
When he starts in on his version of reality just remind yourself that you do know what is actually true.
Imagine his bs ramblings and accusations as the quacking of a duck
(we have a whole thread on here called Quackers...).
Peace,
B.
So sorry you have been living in this topsy turvy world for so long.
He's just saying a lot of baloney. My A father always kept a job. One of my A brothers could be out drinking 12+ beers at night and be up the next morning in the freezing cold at 5:30am and at work by 7a - I don't think he ever missed a day of work, until he got a 2nd DUI and lost his license!
In fact a major mind-blower for me was accepting the concept that "nothing gets in the way of their drinking." So if they have to maintain a job and an image of respectability so they can keep drinking they will keep that job; if they have to pick a fight to deflect away from their obvious bad choices, then they will pick that fight, etc., etc.
How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving.
So what then must we do??
I had to retrain my brain to get out of denial and focus on the things I can control. AlAnon helped me enormously with that. Have you tried any meetings? Once I started going to AlAnon and reading more and more about alcoholism and the alcoholic dynamic in families I started seeing my way out of the insanity to a place of peace of mind.
When he starts in on his version of reality just remind yourself that you do know what is actually true.
Imagine his bs ramblings and accusations as the quacking of a duck
(we have a whole thread on here called Quackers...).Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
An Al-Anon friend of mine once said: "A lot of people hit potholes in life, but we Al-Anoner's are different. We like to move in furniture and start measuring for drapes!" Funny, not funny.
I found this tidbit on the web: "According to data reported by the WashingtonPost, about 10 percent of American adults consume about 74 drinks per week, or more than 10 drinks per day. This 10 percent represents about 24 million people. Many of the people in this group likely struggle with alcohol dependence and addiction." Your husband is right in there. But I'm pretty sure that at the end my alcoholic spouse could down a quart of vodka a day (32 drinks). She kept her well paying, responsible job right up to the end.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and as my spouse (and I) approached our respective bottoms, the problem got worse. I kept finding that I could deal with a little bit more, and a little bit more...as her drinking got a little bit worse, and then a little bit worse.
One day I finally reached my breaking point and reached out for help. That was the same day I told her "I can't live like this anymore." My story actually has a happy ending, she went into rehab the next day and has been sober for 14 years. But it wasn't all roses and rainbows. We both did a lot of work, on ourselves. I discovered that she wasn't the only one with problems, in addition to the way her alcoholism had affected me, I also had issues of my own that I had drug along behind me from a troubled childhood. When I changed, our relationship changed. I'm grateful for her sobriety, but I also know that because of my Al-Anon program I came thru very dark times stronger, saner, happier.
If you're thinking about getting help, Al-Anon is free (we survive on donations and bake sales)!. Meetings are easy to find and you can attend in person or via Zoom (or the equivalent). One thing I know for sure, living with an active alcoholic is hard, and our reactions to the insanity start to make us a little crazy. Sometimes a lot crazy.
Al-Anon was one of the best suggestions I got (that I completely didn't follow). I was told, "You'll wish you had done this 5 years earlier." And yeah, about 5 years later I did a palm plant on my forehead. Doh.
Best wishes to you on your journey. Know that help is available and that you don't have to do it alone!
I found this tidbit on the web: "According to data reported by the WashingtonPost, about 10 percent of American adults consume about 74 drinks per week, or more than 10 drinks per day. This 10 percent represents about 24 million people. Many of the people in this group likely struggle with alcohol dependence and addiction." Your husband is right in there. But I'm pretty sure that at the end my alcoholic spouse could down a quart of vodka a day (32 drinks). She kept her well paying, responsible job right up to the end.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and as my spouse (and I) approached our respective bottoms, the problem got worse. I kept finding that I could deal with a little bit more, and a little bit more...as her drinking got a little bit worse, and then a little bit worse.
One day I finally reached my breaking point and reached out for help. That was the same day I told her "I can't live like this anymore." My story actually has a happy ending, she went into rehab the next day and has been sober for 14 years. But it wasn't all roses and rainbows. We both did a lot of work, on ourselves. I discovered that she wasn't the only one with problems, in addition to the way her alcoholism had affected me, I also had issues of my own that I had drug along behind me from a troubled childhood. When I changed, our relationship changed. I'm grateful for her sobriety, but I also know that because of my Al-Anon program I came thru very dark times stronger, saner, happier.
If you're thinking about getting help, Al-Anon is free (we survive on donations and bake sales)!. Meetings are easy to find and you can attend in person or via Zoom (or the equivalent). One thing I know for sure, living with an active alcoholic is hard, and our reactions to the insanity start to make us a little crazy. Sometimes a lot crazy.
Al-Anon was one of the best suggestions I got (that I completely didn't follow). I was told, "You'll wish you had done this 5 years earlier." And yeah, about 5 years later I did a palm plant on my forehead. Doh.
Best wishes to you on your journey. Know that help is available and that you don't have to do it alone!
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