When is enough…enough?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 1
When is enough…enough?
Hi all,
it’s my first time here and I feel it’s a bit of a last resort. I am 21 and I met my boyfriend (31) 2 years ago. My text is probably going to be real long so sorry in advance!
When I met him I knew he suffered with some drug issues but I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into at the time. He is addicted to Ketamine. From the beginning he often let me down but always made it up to me whether it was drug related or not. He told me that he wanted to stop and change his life around and that he would change. He’s a tattoo artist and the shop he was working at when I met him was a bad vibe, most of the people working in the shop were addicts and the owner was a drug dealer! (Sounds crazy already I know!) He left the shop and over the past two years he has moved from shop to shop about five times. Sure enough though he was still using wherever he went. The blame was often put on the fact that he was stressed or the fact he had a hard up brining. Two of his brothers also suffered from addiction. I came from a loving happy family and this was all new and scary for me but I really believed that with my love and support I could make a difference. I got him to go to NA, sign up with SDAS, have hypnotherapy, go away on holiday. I tried everything. I’m so young and I’ve gone through all the emotions I’ve been angry, I’ve cried, I’ve tried to out on a brave face but in reality I really can’t cope. I lost my job due to being sexually harassed and putting in a claim, yet my focus is completely on making sure he’s okay because he keeps saying he wants to change. Now I have no drive for a future and I feel like a wasted life. I used to be active, have loads of friends loved life. Now i barely have the confidence to go out. He’s extremely controlling, although it has got better in recent months. I can’t say I’ve been perfect through all this but all I have ever wanted is him to be happy and healthy. His longest time sober was 4 months but ever since he can’t go longer than 3 weeks. His hypnotherapy was seemingly working well and uncovering a lot of past trauma. I could not count on my hand how many times I’ve been promised it’s the last time, or that I don’t understand. Or I shouldn’t be upset or angry. He tells me to live my life but in reality I can’t even if he doesn’t realise it I feel trapped because he will make a rude or unfair comment towards anything I do. I get questioned and accused all the time, he comments on my clothes religiously. I’m scared to wear a skirt incase it’s too short. He had been working so hard to change but I feel so damaged by his behaviour in the past and his false promises I never feel okay.
anyway, two weeks ago I decided enough was enough and I had to cut ties with him because I was making myself ill. We have a dog together and I take the dog everywhere I live in the countryside and gave him the best life, I stayed in contact so he could see the dog but didn’t want him having him full time as often drugs would be in the house despite him telling me it was the last time. It was hard but I thought I had made the right decision despite loving him deeply I felt it was enough of a chance. I then had a call one night to say that his brother had passed away, his brother was a heavy ketamine user also and had severe health issues because of it. Of course, I came straight to his families house and supported him as much as I could, he told me that he would never ever touch it again after what had happened and even though I had my doubts his mother even shouted at me saying how dare I even think he would touch it again after his own bother died of it. He told the police he would give names and help track down all the dealers. (I have begged him for months to stop having to contacts of dealers on his phone and multiple times he has lied or accused me of controlling him when one or two were his friends, I asked it for his own health because I cared so much). We ended up falling back together again I supported and loved him like always, I had a few days where maybe I was grumpy and not the best but I still came back to him despite it all. One day I thought he was acting strange so I asked him. He’s outraged that I would even suggest that he would ever use ketamine again as his brother died from it….that night he used ketamine again. He was supposed to come to watch our dog do agility and instead I got a crazy cryptic phone call about how he tries to be there for evryone and his other brother made a comment to his mum, how he couldn’t get a lift to me and that’s why he was so upset. So I asked him, have you done drugs? He said no about 6 times until I said I don’t belive you and he admitted. He told me not to tell his family and they had dealt with enough that day especially after the coroner said his brothers autopsy was inconclusive.
I feel like my life had been turned to ruins since I met this man, he is ten years older than me and I have loved him and tried my hardest but I have nothing left. I feel guilty if I leave but I’m going no where in life. I’m so traumatised from all the drugs and that lifestyle. Is enough enough or should I keep trying. Should I forgive him because of what’s happened. I honestly can’t see how he could take it after the outrage of being accused and after his own brother dying from the drug, from seeing his mum break down to losing a son. The arguments the promises all of it. I love him but I don’t know what to do.
im so sorry that’s so long and crazy but any advice would mean the world thank you xx
it’s my first time here and I feel it’s a bit of a last resort. I am 21 and I met my boyfriend (31) 2 years ago. My text is probably going to be real long so sorry in advance!
When I met him I knew he suffered with some drug issues but I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into at the time. He is addicted to Ketamine. From the beginning he often let me down but always made it up to me whether it was drug related or not. He told me that he wanted to stop and change his life around and that he would change. He’s a tattoo artist and the shop he was working at when I met him was a bad vibe, most of the people working in the shop were addicts and the owner was a drug dealer! (Sounds crazy already I know!) He left the shop and over the past two years he has moved from shop to shop about five times. Sure enough though he was still using wherever he went. The blame was often put on the fact that he was stressed or the fact he had a hard up brining. Two of his brothers also suffered from addiction. I came from a loving happy family and this was all new and scary for me but I really believed that with my love and support I could make a difference. I got him to go to NA, sign up with SDAS, have hypnotherapy, go away on holiday. I tried everything. I’m so young and I’ve gone through all the emotions I’ve been angry, I’ve cried, I’ve tried to out on a brave face but in reality I really can’t cope. I lost my job due to being sexually harassed and putting in a claim, yet my focus is completely on making sure he’s okay because he keeps saying he wants to change. Now I have no drive for a future and I feel like a wasted life. I used to be active, have loads of friends loved life. Now i barely have the confidence to go out. He’s extremely controlling, although it has got better in recent months. I can’t say I’ve been perfect through all this but all I have ever wanted is him to be happy and healthy. His longest time sober was 4 months but ever since he can’t go longer than 3 weeks. His hypnotherapy was seemingly working well and uncovering a lot of past trauma. I could not count on my hand how many times I’ve been promised it’s the last time, or that I don’t understand. Or I shouldn’t be upset or angry. He tells me to live my life but in reality I can’t even if he doesn’t realise it I feel trapped because he will make a rude or unfair comment towards anything I do. I get questioned and accused all the time, he comments on my clothes religiously. I’m scared to wear a skirt incase it’s too short. He had been working so hard to change but I feel so damaged by his behaviour in the past and his false promises I never feel okay.
anyway, two weeks ago I decided enough was enough and I had to cut ties with him because I was making myself ill. We have a dog together and I take the dog everywhere I live in the countryside and gave him the best life, I stayed in contact so he could see the dog but didn’t want him having him full time as often drugs would be in the house despite him telling me it was the last time. It was hard but I thought I had made the right decision despite loving him deeply I felt it was enough of a chance. I then had a call one night to say that his brother had passed away, his brother was a heavy ketamine user also and had severe health issues because of it. Of course, I came straight to his families house and supported him as much as I could, he told me that he would never ever touch it again after what had happened and even though I had my doubts his mother even shouted at me saying how dare I even think he would touch it again after his own bother died of it. He told the police he would give names and help track down all the dealers. (I have begged him for months to stop having to contacts of dealers on his phone and multiple times he has lied or accused me of controlling him when one or two were his friends, I asked it for his own health because I cared so much). We ended up falling back together again I supported and loved him like always, I had a few days where maybe I was grumpy and not the best but I still came back to him despite it all. One day I thought he was acting strange so I asked him. He’s outraged that I would even suggest that he would ever use ketamine again as his brother died from it….that night he used ketamine again. He was supposed to come to watch our dog do agility and instead I got a crazy cryptic phone call about how he tries to be there for evryone and his other brother made a comment to his mum, how he couldn’t get a lift to me and that’s why he was so upset. So I asked him, have you done drugs? He said no about 6 times until I said I don’t belive you and he admitted. He told me not to tell his family and they had dealt with enough that day especially after the coroner said his brothers autopsy was inconclusive.
I feel like my life had been turned to ruins since I met this man, he is ten years older than me and I have loved him and tried my hardest but I have nothing left. I feel guilty if I leave but I’m going no where in life. I’m so traumatised from all the drugs and that lifestyle. Is enough enough or should I keep trying. Should I forgive him because of what’s happened. I honestly can’t see how he could take it after the outrage of being accused and after his own brother dying from the drug, from seeing his mum break down to losing a son. The arguments the promises all of it. I love him but I don’t know what to do.
im so sorry that’s so long and crazy but any advice would mean the world thank you xx
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
Enough is enough. Don’t keep in this road and live half a life for yourself. You are only 21. Let go now and give yourself your happy life back. You may find support at either Alanon or a domestic abuse counselor. The control thing with the clothes is abusive.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by Thea1234 
Hi all,
it’s my first time here and I feel it’s a bit of a last resort. I am 21 and I met my boyfriend (31) 2 years ago. My text is probably going to be real long so sorry in advance!
When I met him I knew he suffered with some drug issues but I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into at the time. He is addicted to Ketamine. From the beginning he often let me down but always made it up to me whether it was drug related or not. He told me that he wanted to stop and change his life around and that he would change. He’s a tattoo artist and the shop he was working at when I met him was a bad vibe, most of the people working in the shop were addicts and the owner was a drug dealer! (Sounds crazy already I know!) He left the shop and over the past two years he has moved from shop to shop about five times. Sure enough though he was still using wherever he went. The blame was often put on the fact that he was stressed or the fact he had a hard up brining. Two of his brothers also suffered from addiction. I came from a loving happy family and this was all new and scary for me but I really believed that with my love and support I could make a difference. I got him to go to NA, sign up with SDAS, have hypnotherapy, go away on holiday. I tried everything. I’m so young and I’ve gone through all the emotions I’ve been angry, I’ve cried, I’ve tried to out on a brave face but in reality I really can’t cope. I lost my job due to being sexually harassed and putting in a claim, yet my focus is completely on making sure he’s okay because he keeps saying he wants to change. Now I have no drive for a future and I feel like a wasted life. I used to be active, have loads of friends loved life. Now i barely have the confidence to go out. He’s extremely controlling, although it has got better in recent months. I can’t say I’ve been perfect through all this but all I have ever wanted is him to be happy and healthy. His longest time sober was 4 months but ever since he can’t go longer than 3 weeks. His hypnotherapy was seemingly working well and uncovering a lot of past trauma. I could not count on my hand how many times I’ve been promised it’s the last time, or that I don’t understand. Or I shouldn’t be upset or angry. He tells me to live my life but in reality I can’t even if he doesn’t realise it I feel trapped because he will make a rude or unfair comment towards anything I do. I get questioned and accused all the time, he comments on my clothes religiously. I’m scared to wear a skirt incase it’s too short. He had been working so hard to change but I feel so damaged by his behaviour in the past and his false promises I never feel okay.
anyway, two weeks ago I decided enough was enough and I had to cut ties with him because I was making myself ill. We have a dog together and I take the dog everywhere I live in the countryside and gave him the best life, I stayed in contact so he could see the dog but didn’t want him having him full time as often drugs would be in the house despite him telling me it was the last time. It was hard but I thought I had made the right decision despite loving him deeply I felt it was enough of a chance. I then had a call one night to say that his brother had passed away, his brother was a heavy ketamine user also and had severe health issues because of it. Of course, I came straight to his families house and supported him as much as I could, he told me that he would never ever touch it again after what had happened and even though I had my doubts his mother even shouted at me saying how dare I even think he would touch it again after his own bother died of it. He told the police he would give names and help track down all the dealers. (I have begged him for months to stop having to contacts of dealers on his phone and multiple times he has lied or accused me of controlling him when one or two were his friends, I asked it for his own health because I cared so much). We ended up falling back together again I supported and loved him like always, I had a few days where maybe I was grumpy and not the best but I still came back to him despite it all. One day I thought he was acting strange so I asked him. He’s outraged that I would even suggest that he would ever use ketamine again as his brother died from it….that night he used ketamine again. He was supposed to come to watch our dog do agility and instead I got a crazy cryptic phone call about how he tries to be there for evryone and his other brother made a comment to his mum, how he couldn’t get a lift to me and that’s why he was so upset. So I asked him, have you done drugs? He said no about 6 times until I said I don’t belive you and he admitted. He told me not to tell his family and they had dealt with enough that day especially after the coroner said his brothers autopsy was inconclusive.
I feel like my life had been turned to ruins since I met this man, he is ten years older than me and I have loved him and tried my hardest but I have nothing left. I feel guilty if I leave but I’m going no where in life. I’m so traumatised from all the drugs and that lifestyle. Is enough enough or should I keep trying. Should I forgive him because of what’s happened. I honestly can’t see how he could take it after the outrage of being accused and after his own brother dying from the drug, from seeing his mum break down to losing a son. The arguments the promises all of it. I love him but I don’t know what to do.
im so sorry that’s so long and crazy but any advice would mean the world thank you xx
it’s my first time here and I feel it’s a bit of a last resort. I am 21 and I met my boyfriend (31) 2 years ago. My text is probably going to be real long so sorry in advance!
When I met him I knew he suffered with some drug issues but I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into at the time. He is addicted to Ketamine. From the beginning he often let me down but always made it up to me whether it was drug related or not. He told me that he wanted to stop and change his life around and that he would change. He’s a tattoo artist and the shop he was working at when I met him was a bad vibe, most of the people working in the shop were addicts and the owner was a drug dealer! (Sounds crazy already I know!) He left the shop and over the past two years he has moved from shop to shop about five times. Sure enough though he was still using wherever he went. The blame was often put on the fact that he was stressed or the fact he had a hard up brining. Two of his brothers also suffered from addiction. I came from a loving happy family and this was all new and scary for me but I really believed that with my love and support I could make a difference. I got him to go to NA, sign up with SDAS, have hypnotherapy, go away on holiday. I tried everything. I’m so young and I’ve gone through all the emotions I’ve been angry, I’ve cried, I’ve tried to out on a brave face but in reality I really can’t cope. I lost my job due to being sexually harassed and putting in a claim, yet my focus is completely on making sure he’s okay because he keeps saying he wants to change. Now I have no drive for a future and I feel like a wasted life. I used to be active, have loads of friends loved life. Now i barely have the confidence to go out. He’s extremely controlling, although it has got better in recent months. I can’t say I’ve been perfect through all this but all I have ever wanted is him to be happy and healthy. His longest time sober was 4 months but ever since he can’t go longer than 3 weeks. His hypnotherapy was seemingly working well and uncovering a lot of past trauma. I could not count on my hand how many times I’ve been promised it’s the last time, or that I don’t understand. Or I shouldn’t be upset or angry. He tells me to live my life but in reality I can’t even if he doesn’t realise it I feel trapped because he will make a rude or unfair comment towards anything I do. I get questioned and accused all the time, he comments on my clothes religiously. I’m scared to wear a skirt incase it’s too short. He had been working so hard to change but I feel so damaged by his behaviour in the past and his false promises I never feel okay.
anyway, two weeks ago I decided enough was enough and I had to cut ties with him because I was making myself ill. We have a dog together and I take the dog everywhere I live in the countryside and gave him the best life, I stayed in contact so he could see the dog but didn’t want him having him full time as often drugs would be in the house despite him telling me it was the last time. It was hard but I thought I had made the right decision despite loving him deeply I felt it was enough of a chance. I then had a call one night to say that his brother had passed away, his brother was a heavy ketamine user also and had severe health issues because of it. Of course, I came straight to his families house and supported him as much as I could, he told me that he would never ever touch it again after what had happened and even though I had my doubts his mother even shouted at me saying how dare I even think he would touch it again after his own bother died of it. He told the police he would give names and help track down all the dealers. (I have begged him for months to stop having to contacts of dealers on his phone and multiple times he has lied or accused me of controlling him when one or two were his friends, I asked it for his own health because I cared so much). We ended up falling back together again I supported and loved him like always, I had a few days where maybe I was grumpy and not the best but I still came back to him despite it all. One day I thought he was acting strange so I asked him. He’s outraged that I would even suggest that he would ever use ketamine again as his brother died from it….that night he used ketamine again. He was supposed to come to watch our dog do agility and instead I got a crazy cryptic phone call about how he tries to be there for evryone and his other brother made a comment to his mum, how he couldn’t get a lift to me and that’s why he was so upset. So I asked him, have you done drugs? He said no about 6 times until I said I don’t belive you and he admitted. He told me not to tell his family and they had dealt with enough that day especially after the coroner said his brothers autopsy was inconclusive.
I feel like my life had been turned to ruins since I met this man, he is ten years older than me and I have loved him and tried my hardest but I have nothing left. I feel guilty if I leave but I’m going no where in life. I’m so traumatised from all the drugs and that lifestyle. Is enough enough or should I keep trying. Should I forgive him because of what’s happened. I honestly can’t see how he could take it after the outrage of being accused and after his own brother dying from the drug, from seeing his mum break down to losing a son. The arguments the promises all of it. I love him but I don’t know what to do.
im so sorry that’s so long and crazy but any advice would mean the world thank you xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 134
The drug life is an ugly life, Thea. You have lost the innocence of youth, simply by being within range of its destructiveness. There is no love in that world. God, Goodness, and Light are not to be found in the darkness that is the drug world.
Just as young soldiers who return from war need time and help to heal from the shattering of their innocence, you need the same.
Whoever loves you in your present life, parents or other relatives, longtime friends or teachers, whoever loves you, reach out to them and let them know you need them. Tell them what has happened to you, and let them know you need their love. More than ever.
You did nothing wrong, loving that young man, but truly, the power of evil in his life will not be influenced by love. Not yours, not anyone's. Drugs destroy human connection. You did not know. You know now. So you must walk away and never have contact with him again.
Just as young soldiers who return from war need time and help to heal from the shattering of their innocence, you need the same.
Whoever loves you in your present life, parents or other relatives, longtime friends or teachers, whoever loves you, reach out to them and let them know you need them. Tell them what has happened to you, and let them know you need their love. More than ever.
You did nothing wrong, loving that young man, but truly, the power of evil in his life will not be influenced by love. Not yours, not anyone's. Drugs destroy human connection. You did not know. You know now. So you must walk away and never have contact with him again.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,921
^^^^ I agree with every word Lucy said. I could not have put it any better than she did. ^^^^
It's time to take your life back...and please, do not feel guilty for walking away. Guilt is something to feel when you have done something wrong. You have done nothing wrong, so there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. He is a grown man and will survive, just as he survived before he met you.
I wish you the best. I hope you'll let us know how you are doing.
It's time to take your life back...and please, do not feel guilty for walking away. Guilt is something to feel when you have done something wrong. You have done nothing wrong, so there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. He is a grown man and will survive, just as he survived before he met you.
I wish you the best. I hope you'll let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
You've given him three years, that's about 34 months too much.
It is not your job to fix him. If loving someone and supporting him/her was enough to get someone sober, none of us would be here. Do people who lose friends to drugs continue to do drugs? Of course they do. Drug users are expert at justifications for their habits. The job is so stressful, a friend is sick, the grandmother died, got money troubles. He has had, what, six different employers since you started dating?
Your boyfriend is already a little sus (in my opinion) by choosing a teen for a consort when he was 28. You were technically an adult, but a lot of growing up happens after the magic age of 18. Someone his own age and more experienced would be more likely to push back or just walk away.
It is not your job to fix him. If loving someone and supporting him/her was enough to get someone sober, none of us would be here. Do people who lose friends to drugs continue to do drugs? Of course they do. Drug users are expert at justifications for their habits. The job is so stressful, a friend is sick, the grandmother died, got money troubles. He has had, what, six different employers since you started dating?
Your boyfriend is already a little sus (in my opinion) by choosing a teen for a consort when he was 28. You were technically an adult, but a lot of growing up happens after the magic age of 18. Someone his own age and more experienced would be more likely to push back or just walk away.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Alcohol is described as cunning, baffling and powerful...drugs are similar but worse. Addiction is a disease of not only the body, but also the mind and the spirit. If you take one thing away from the experiences of the people you meet on this forum it should be this: You can't fix him. Period. Your love is not enough. His disease is going to keep dragging him right back in until he decides he's had enough, and even then it takes a lot of courage and strength to overcome what's going on in his life.
A couple of other thoughts: It's not your job to make him happy. That's his responsibility. And by extension, it's not his job to make you happy. That's your responsibility. Take some time and figure out how to do that. You're worth it. Also, your life is not wasted. We all take turns down paths that don't take us where we think we want to go, that's life. We make choices and it's only by looking over our shoulders that we can discern whether it was a good choice or a bad choice. You may not believe this right now, but that's how we learn! They say that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional...and it's when we get stuck and don't learn that we suffer. That getting "stuck" is a form of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over (and over) again, and expecting different results.
I always suggest attending a couple of Al-Anon meetings. They're for the family and friends of alcoholics, but everyone is welcome. Truthfully, most of us don't have the strength to handle a relationship with an active addict--but you don't have to do it alone.
Keep coming back!
A couple of other thoughts: It's not your job to make him happy. That's his responsibility. And by extension, it's not his job to make you happy. That's your responsibility. Take some time and figure out how to do that. You're worth it. Also, your life is not wasted. We all take turns down paths that don't take us where we think we want to go, that's life. We make choices and it's only by looking over our shoulders that we can discern whether it was a good choice or a bad choice. You may not believe this right now, but that's how we learn! They say that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional...and it's when we get stuck and don't learn that we suffer. That getting "stuck" is a form of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over (and over) again, and expecting different results.
I always suggest attending a couple of Al-Anon meetings. They're for the family and friends of alcoholics, but everyone is welcome. Truthfully, most of us don't have the strength to handle a relationship with an active addict--but you don't have to do it alone.
Keep coming back!
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