Charr999

Hello,

This is my first post so I’ll give some backstory but im essentially trying to navigate my relationship with my ABF who was sober for 2 years and went to rehab and is now actively drinking again and forever trying to justify it, it feels like a game most days.

We met about 4 years ago when he was drinking heavily (I didnt know how heavily) his drinking became a big problem, homeless, failed suicide attempt, lost licence, it was a mess! We stopped dating and he moved to his mom’s house to work on himself and get sober. We did still talk and remained close friends and eventually got back together after he had been sober for about 3 months and have been together since and have now bought a house together.

After approximately 6 months of sobriety he attended rehab for 30 days and remained sober for almost 2 years (20 months). We accomplished so much in those 2 years and he was so proud of himself! That being said he always had to be busy, was always trading the addiction off for something else (working, fishing, etc)

Fast forward to about a year ago and he has been drinking on and off and trying to control it. At first he could go a couple weeks without a drink and then 4 or 5 days without a drink and now is back
to daily drinking. When he first started again he would say he was going fishing or whatever it was and then not come home for a day, then it was a couple days. He made me promise not to allow him to drink. Well now that we’re back here I don’t feel like being his mother and I’m so tired of him always trying to justify it. He is now drinking at
home because he thinks it’s better than me getting angry at him when he takes off.

First it was “I wish I could just have a beer when I cut the grass or watch the game” then it was “I will just drink twice a month when the kids aren’t home” or just when we go on vacation or whatever the new thing is he thinks will appease me for the time being.
Now (the last few weeks) he’s been drinking daily. I try not to argue or discuss it while he’s drinking but tonight I did. I miss the sobriety so much and I told him that. After a conversation about it he basically told me he is just not happy sober and I asked about the 2 years when we first committed to each other, I was upset and we were arguing about how he’s always saying what he thinks I want to hear and then he said that our relationship was boring and mundane while he was sober and that he was living on a razors edge and hating it the whole time and that our sexlife was boring then too.

I was shocked and it feels like it came out of left field and I shouldn’t be surprised because I know better than to even try and talk about it when he’s drinking but holy heck.

I obviously want him to be back in recovery but now I’m at a loss. I really don’t want to end it but now I don’t know what to do. We get along great and have built a pretty great life, he’s a great guy but I feel so low right now. I don’t even know how someone could go 2 years pretending to be happy if he wasn’t. He chose sobriety and I’m not going back to the way it was when he was drunk.

I’m sure he wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t at least partly true or is it all a part of this justification game. It’s like he’s always bargaining to keep drinking. Sorry for the long post, just trying to make some sense of it all

Any support or advice is appreciated.

toomanychances

You said:

I obviously want him to be back in recovery but now I’m at a loss. I really don’t want to end it but now I don’t know what to do. We get along great and have built a pretty great life, he’s a great guy but I feel so low right now. I don’t even know how someone could go 2 years pretending to be happy if he wasn’t. He chose sobriety and I’m not going back to the way it was when he was drunk.

My comments:

Please go read my post - it is above or below yours. I said 8 years ago I wouldn't live with an alcoholic. If you aren't going back to the way it was when he was drunk, then you have your decision. Since he is a boyfriend - it will be a lot easier for you to cut ties.

I know your heart is broken - mine is too - but your boy friend does not want to stop drinking and it just gets worse.

trailmix

Hi Charr, sorry you are in this situation and getting hurt.

Yes, most relationships with alcoholics don't start out the way they become. Alcoholism is progressive and when he picked up that first drink again, he was right back where he was. As you probably know, alcoholics can't moderate their drinking, one or two is never, ever, enough.

So you are faced with a bigger dilemma now because you have had that sober time with him and are well and truly attached to him.

Your boundary, to not be in a relationship with an active addict held when this first came up. He left, got treatment etc. That boundary you have was for a very good reason. Don't let yourself down now. This is harder because you have been in this relationship longer now, of course, but the boundary is still a very valid one, no?

Boundaries protect us. It's a good idea to have them so that when we get in to a situation where they apply, we know what to do. We know the decision we made (with good reason) while not in the throes of an argument or in the situation, when we were clear thinking.

I wouldn't listen to his drunk rambling, it has nothing to do with you, it has to do with his alcoholism. Yes, to an active alcoholic EVERYTHING is boring, except drinking and doing whatever they want to do. It also clouds his judgement and other thinking skills. Not sure if you have ever been drunk, but imagine trying to run your life from that place.

You are trying to come between him and his drinking, that never ends well.

Perhaps time to dust off that boundary and let him go off and do whatever he is going to do, which may or may not include getting sober again.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

What do you want to do?

venuscat

I am an alcoholic, and I accept and understand that this is a disease that requires management and treatment for the rest of my life, and I am fine with that. In fact, I am grateful. Because recovery opened doors for me that I never even knew existed, and my life became a magical place.

I keep hearing stories about alcoholics/addicts who get sober but don't do recovery. That doesn't work. It is like trying to be a healthy diabetic without monitoring your blood sugar.

Those of us who are serious about this stay in recovery long-term, and unfortunately, those who get sober and switch to different addictive behaviours never find peace and they never know the joy of sobriety.

If your partner isn't prepared to get sober and work a recovery program, I can't see a way this works out for you as a couple.
And honestly, for someone who went to rehab, he seems clueless about all of this, and I don't understand why—he needs to do way better. s

Behappy1

Not what you want to hear, but he's a boyfriend. Not a husband, no kids. The only thing tying you to this mess is a house. My advice is figure that out and get out while you can. This is coming from someone on BOTH sides of the fence.

toomanychances

THIS!

I joined two al anon meetings today via zoom - I thought there were only meetings for my area but there was a setting for any electronic meeting. It really helped - I would advise you to give it a try. I'm grieving someone who is still alive - I need a place where people understand - and they do. It helps to know you aren't alone.

wyrd

My advice is to seek help and consider your options. It sounds like he used alcohol as an escape from himself and he's been white-knuckling sobriety and now he's taking out his frustration on you because he feels he has been missing out. Well, you are missing out on a loving partner yourself for as long as he chooses to drink. The bargaining and the tired games will wear you out.

As venuscat said, sobriety is so much more than staying sober for x amount of days. He will have to hit rock bottom again (which will happen, even if it'll take a long time) for the idea to enter his head again that sobriety might be worth trying. If he chose sobriety for your sake, this will only make him resent you in the long run. At this point, you might be devastated for a while but it won't last and you won't be spending years of misery on someone you fell in love with when he was drunk.

Charr999

So after a conversation the next day (because I know better than to try when he’s been drinking) he agreed it’s a problem and is going to stop again. ( I was expecting more bargaining and excuses to be honest)
I’m not naive enough to just take his word for it as we both know it’s not as easy as that. He did say this time that he needs more help and will need to see a therapist to navigate the parts he’s numbing with alcohol (there’s a lot of childhood stuff). Now to see if he makes an appointment and follows through because I really believe that’s the missing piece. Rehab was helpful but he really didn’t fine the AA helpful.

That being said, it’s only been 1 full day and although I’m hoping he can get it figured out this time I did stick with my original boundary and I will not continue like this if he doesn’t work on the recovery and not just sobriety. I hate to give an ultimatum because I know he needs to do it for him and not to keep me. It’s such a frustrating situation. Thank you all for the advice and support. I do see a therapist on my own which has helped tremendously and although we aren’t married we do have 2 children each, mine live with us and his are here part time.

Hoping he figures it out this time but feeling stronger reading these and more confident in sticking to my boundary.

trailmix

I hope he does too.

Good for you for reasserting your boundary, it's so important. A suggestion might be to put some timelines in there as well. Things like these open ended promises can drag on for years. You could be sitting there 5 years from now going through another, I promise to do better, drinking session.

Some people don't find AA helpful, but maybe he wasn't as committed to it as he could have been. There are other groups, like SMART recovery. But of course, that's all up to him.

A timeline might be, when is he stopping (I hope it's today, right now and that this isn't going to be a drawn out session trying to find a therapist he can work with?). What if he relapses, what is your boundary there? One drink? A weekend or week of drinking?

Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope you will keep posting.

mattmathews

!

mattmathews

When the alcoholic in my life started drinking heavily, (and I do mean heavily!), it felt like she was saying that she didn't love me. I took it personally, I felt like she chose the bottle over me and I was resentful. When she told me that she had to drink so she could stand being around me...that hurt me to the quick.

Thirteen years of recovery later (St. Patrick's Day!) for her and for me, I'm pretty confident that she would tell you that she was full of it when she said those words. That's if she even remembers saying them. But she's got a program, she hasn't been trying to white knuckle it for all of those years. I started attending Al-Anon meetings and found acceptance, understanding and they even told me that they would love me until I learned to love myself. I did the work, I learned that I was responsible for my own happiness and that she was responsible for her own happiness. (I actually thought that if I could make her happy, my happiness was just a lucky byproduct!) I learned that I didn't cause her to drink...she drank because she was an alcoholic! (Duh!) I did the work and I found self-esteem and so many other good qualities that I didn't know I had.

As for life being dull without alcohol, I've met at lot of recovering alcoholics over the years and I think that they might disagree. I remember one old recovering alcoholic saying: "If you decide you want to get sober, you'd better grab your a** with both hands because it's going to be a hell of a ride."