Charr999

Hello,

This is my first post so I’ll give some backstory but im essentially trying to navigate my relationship with my ABF who was sober for 2 years and went to rehab and is now actively drinking again and forever trying to justify it, it feels like a game most days.

We met about 4 years ago when he was drinking heavily (I didnt know how heavily) his drinking became a big problem, homeless, failed suicide attempt, lost licence, it was a mess! We stopped dating and he moved to his mom’s house to work on himself and get sober. We did still talk and remained close friends and eventually got back together after he had been sober for about 3 months and have been together since and have now bought a house together.

After approximately 6 months of sobriety he attended rehab for 30 days and remained sober for almost 2 years (20 months). We accomplished so much in those 2 years and he was so proud of himself! That being said he always had to be busy, was always trading the addiction off for something else (working, fishing, etc)

Fast forward to about a year ago and he has been drinking on and off and trying to control it. At first he could go a couple weeks without a drink and then 4 or 5 days without a drink and now is back
to daily drinking. When he first started again he would say he was going fishing or whatever it was and then not come home for a day, then it was a couple days. He made me promise not to allow him to drink. Well now that we’re back here I don’t feel like being his mother and I’m so tired of him always trying to justify it. He is now drinking at
home because he thinks it’s better than me getting angry at him when he takes off.

First it was “I wish I could just have a beer when I cut the grass or watch the game” then it was “I will just drink twice a month when the kids aren’t home” or just when we go on vacation or whatever the new thing is he thinks will appease me for the time being.
Now (the last few weeks) he’s been drinking daily. I try not to argue or discuss it while he’s drinking but tonight I did. I miss the sobriety so much and I told him that. After a conversation about it he basically told me he is just not happy sober and I asked about the 2 years when we first committed to each other, I was upset and we were arguing about how he’s always saying what he thinks I want to hear and then he said that our relationship was boring and mundane while he was sober and that he was living on a razors edge and hating it the whole time and that our sexlife was boring then too.

I was shocked and it feels like it came out of left field and I shouldn’t be surprised because I know better than to even try and talk about it when he’s drinking but holy heck.

I obviously want him to be back in recovery but now I’m at a loss. I really don’t want to end it but now I don’t know what to do. We get along great and have built a pretty great life, he’s a great guy but I feel so low right now. I don’t even know how someone could go 2 years pretending to be happy if he wasn’t. He chose sobriety and I’m not going back to the way it was when he was drunk.

I’m sure he wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t at least partly true or is it all a part of this justification game. It’s like he’s always bargaining to keep drinking. Sorry for the long post, just trying to make some sense of it all

Any support or advice is appreciated.